Name: The Horror of 7th Heaven | The Adam Friedland Show
Uploaded: 2024-11-03T13:00:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Horror of 7th Heaven | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Horror of 7th Heaven | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-03. Transcript available.

i just don't want anyone to think i'm like a degenerate i don't know i'm
feeling a little
more do kids think that though i mean it's like are there people that are like
like it's like oh
how do you think you became an alcoholic they're like oh my dad would wear
shorts
yeah you know it's like that's not a way you can fuck up a kid is by having
whack clothes i'm just trying to be less of a commie these days well i'll tell
you what you
need to do is watch seventh heaven and take a page out of eric camden's book
okay because that
man is a perfect father okay there's not a single element of any of his
children's lives that he
doesn't have complete control over okay even their internal thoughts they're
not allowed they have to
pass they run it by him and then he issues fatwas from the kitchen okay you
know like that's that
seems like that's the ideal situation i hate that show you're still mad about
it yeah well i still
when you were like mad i literally have been watching it every night i was
watching fucking
seventh heaven last night really yeah i can't help myself and then it builds
and i'm sitting there with
my girlfriend and the intro comes on i'm like i hate this fucking song and she's
like do you want to
skip it i'm like no i think it gets let it wash over like it's me fired up to
just fucking hate these
people and uh and it works i mean you know but that's like it's like the family's
being bad the family's
never doing anything that's actually bad right you know it's like fucking you
know eric who's like the
older brother who's like 30 years old like he stays at every what's his name
yeah barry watson he like
stays at a girl's house till like 5 a.m uh-huh and then the dad's like have you
completely lost your
mind you know and that's like exactly how he reacts it's like screaming at the
top of his lungs
and then they're grounded but like what does that mean because it's like they're
still allowed to
they're like well he can still go to the library and go to school and it's like
that's all he was doing
anyways he doesn't do anything your kids don't do anything other than fucking i
think deep down you
want to be a member of this family and you know i want to watch you dad i want
to watch more episodes
of seventh heaven and be like you fucking piece of shit and it's good and it's
healthy because they're
fictional characters now when there's a tv show like that where there's i mean
how many seasons of
seventh heaven are there i think there's seven seasons so when there's when you
there's seven
seasons there's probably like 20 episodes in a season how do you approach a
piece a piece of
content like that just but you just pick randomly no you just watch it straight
you watch it straight
through watch it straight through there was a good one i got it was like it was
maybe episode five or
six of season one yeah where and they're in living in like i'm assuming this is
supposed to be like
northern california i think it's about it's like it's like elk grove or
something how far into the
series are you i'm close to the end of the second season now okay so the they're
in it's like
sopranos so but he's watched like 20 hours they're in like suburban sacramento
he's already seen it
this is like his fourth time around is there in suburban sacramento no this is
the first time i've sat
down to like watch the show i mean it was on all the time when i was a kid so a
lot of this i'm
familiar with having seen the show yeah but like so they're in suburban sacramento
the year is 1996
and uh somebody burns down the black church uh-huh you know because yeah that's
just that's that was
happening all the time and so the black church family has to move in with the
camdens for a week
while they like you know i don't i don't know why they have to move in with
them i think it's because
they're worried somebody might burn down their house also right and so they're
i mean it's like
1950s alabama it's fucking insane like the heat of the night people are burning
down the black minister's
house and like all this i mean yeah so they have to live with the camdens and
they live with the
camdens and like the children they have the scene they move in and all the
black kids are on one side
of the living room and the white kids are on the other side of the living room
and the white kids
are like so do you um like things you know like that's like they never oh they
can't they're
never met a black kid and so one by one they start integrating right and uh and
so like you know they
pair off because obviously the black family have the same kids of the same age
right and they brought
all their grandkids in too right so it works their way up from the bottom so
the young the babies because
they haven't learned prejudice yet they get along right away oh okay and then
simon yeah and then
simon and simon and the black boy they so of course you're prejudiced against
the people who are living
in your house yeah right but i mean it's like they i mean they might as well be
fucking aliens and simon
and the black child or son they become friends and they go to a park and they're
playing and then
simon decides to take all his toys away and then a bully on the park calls him
an n-word lover
and simon punches him in the face i mean it's like i mean and they drop it the
kids it's insane
yeah that's insane wow like a guys an eight-year-old would be dropping the n-word
love n-word lover yeah
you know like it's where do you learn it it's nuts you know and then so and
then simon's like you
know you take that back meanwhile at the same time so the same character simon
is like mom why would
anyone want to burn down their church like he just doesn't understand it right
but he knows he knows
about the n-word and what n-word means and that's happening right of course lucy
becomes friends with
like the black daughter and so lucy comes out and she's got oh she looks like
bo derrick now she's
got fucking braids oh right right right and then the father's like what what is
this normally if she
had had braids that would be a screaming match in the house and he would make
her shave her head
has to accept and spend yeah spend like 10 days in that black cube in mecca you
know as punishment
but not this time so they come out and the family they like they see lucy's braids
and like she's
like look what kaisha did you know yeah and then kaisha walks in the frame she
goes it's an ancient
african hairstyle dating back to and then explains that this is an ancient african
hairstyle you know
and that's why she has the braid so that's their cultural sharing yeah and then
the final part is
the older black brother and matt they don't they take the longest to get to to
you know so at one
point they take the longest simon is in are the parents at odds too or they're
cool with each other
because they're boomers and they solved racism they went to woods they
understand yeah they were they
remember fucking listening they're che guevara yeah exactly they remember they
were they weren't like
they were probably there's an evangelical christian they were vaguely aware of
of like soul music yeah
you know so that means they don't have to they get all this is it you know
because it's 1996 so the
prevailing mentality at the time is like boomers solved racism we fixed overreacting
to rodney king
it's like so that's you know anyways so then the older brother uh the older
brother and you know
they don't really get along because the older black brother is like he's kind
of surly you know
and uh you know mary's like hey you guys want to play basketball he's like oh
because that's what we
like we like basketball huh you think that's what we do after church you know
and so uh like matt
like you man him there's tension and then they go to pick up the kids at school
right they go pick
up simon and simon's taking a while to get out you know because he's in
suspension for punching that
boy that called him an n-word lover oh he got in trouble for that he got in
trouble for it so he's
in he's an after school that's an injustice yeah like did the boy get suspended
too the one who
dropped the n-bomb they don't mention the principal now yeah no he got a
promotion yeah well you have
to understand this is sacramento in 1996 this is he's on paid leave the other
kids so normalized yeah
racist place yeah yeah and so uh the school security guard he's like he sees
them parked outside in the
loop where people park to pick up their children from school uh-huh that's
where they go and it's
after school yeah time where you'd be i think i know where this is so matt
comes down there he's
like he's gonna he sees the black kids he's like the hell are y'all doing over
here you know and
matt's like we're just picking our brother up from school man stop giving us a
hard time
you know doing this yeah really doing his acting man man man could you just
like stop giving us a hard time man
we're just picking up my christian brother from school his friend
because the security guy's like there's a black guy in your car black guy yeah
and he's
like yeah well my job is to keep vandals you know like looking at the black vandals
yeah
away from your vandals and miscreants you guys are gonna get back in the car
and leave he's like
we're picking up my brother man yeah you know okay we're just kidding you're
not even a real cop
and he's like get back in the car and leave or whatever and they're like
whatever man forget you
and then i think that they just leave simon i can't remember yeah pick him up
or not but they
leave and they're getting back to the house and then like um you know they're
walking back and the
black brother is like man why do you think he gave us a hard time back there
and matt's like i don't
know the guy was just a rent-a-cop dick you know he's like oh you think that's
all it was you know
and he's like trying to explain he's like man everybody's afraid of me did i
ever do anything to
you did i ever threaten you did i ever hurt you in any way but you're afraid of
me too just like the
security guard was and then like matt says the black kid goes no you know what
the issue is man
it's your attitude all right oh no you go around with a chip on your shoulder
like everybody owes you
something oh no oh no you're living off the dole and then the black older
brother he's like he goes
like he takes it into consideration that's the lesson that's the cultural
sharing that happens is that
they have bad attitudes yeah they got bad attitudes they're just waiting for
handouts
they got bad attitudes and so matt teaches the older brother that it's like
because black men have a bad
attitude that's why stuff like their welfare keys oh yeah yeah and then at
dinner right there's an
ongoing joke throughout the episode where each one they take each family member
it goes down the line
until they take turns where somebody says you know if you rub salt on butter it
heats up and then they
pour salt on the butter stick and then he goes yeah put your hand over it and
then when they put the
hand over to feel it so the other person smashes their hand oh good prank right
and um and then and
then the dads are like oh i'll remember this trick and it's like what no this
isn't a trick it's some
weird fucking thing you made up they're gonna end up with a grease stain on
their shirt it starts with
matt and they do the trick down the family until it gets to ruthie and then
ruthie does it to the
older black brother and then this is after matt's speech to him about his
attitude it's your attitude
yeah no it's your shitty attitude and then but but before that before how the
butter gets to the
table right because matt says that the older brother and the other brother is
like oh it's my attitude
problem that's why black males are you know oh my god and uh yeah so then they're
at the dinner table
and the the mom says matt can you go tell lucy to bring the butter into the
kitchen and matt instead of
getting up he goes lucy bring the butter into the kitchen and then they kind of
look at him and he
like shrugs or whatever so what matt has learned from black people is being
loud being loud and
abusive to women loud that's what he picked up is yelling at women yeah is
screaming wow so he's
learned that that's the cultural sharing that happens between them yeah and
someone's getting
residuals from that episode yeah and then the rapist is yeah yeah episode of
course whoever wrote that
is yeah with the parents obviously almost fucking while dancing to louie armstrong
okay yeah
wait that's black music yeah like what a wonderful black music from like the 30s
yeah
it's not like marvin they're listening to like scott joplin it's not motown it's
not a big show
yeah they're listening hello mammy dude that is demented oh oh sorry that's not
how the episode ends
the episode ends with the black pastor deciding to hold a service at the uh
white church no at the
remains of where the black church is so there's some of it some of the altar is
still visible the
stained glass still there the rest of it's burned out but they do it outside
right and so they have
chairs set up and then you see all the people in the town coming together to
attend the the black
church's you know service the first one since it got burned down so we see the
white people showing up
we see the black people showing up then we see a seek man showing up for some
reason there's a guy
with a turban and the whole outfit on and then two wahhabist saudi princes mohammed
otto and those are
that's those no literally they've got the just the 9-11 hijackers they've got
the whole no they've got
the whole outfit on they're dressed like they're in fucking dubai or some shit
adam's parents show up
yeah well no that's it my mom that's it for the cultural sharing is they have
for some reason there's
a seek man and then two saudi princes and then they're like and that's
everybody yeah and we're all
here that's all the kind of people yeah in suburban sacramento yeah and he
gives a good sermon
he's like he's he ends with like uh he's like i can't help but be reminded of
my son's words
dear god please stop the fires and then freeze frames that's it yeah
i don't believe that it's your attitude yeah well so he earned he learned how
to act right
who the the older black kid that's all is you get that one moment and then ruthie
smashes his hand
in the butter and you can see he wants to be mad for a moment and kill her
naturally right he's
gonna have his gang kill her but then he remembers that speech yeah so he stops
he was he was gonna wild
out on her

The Horror of 7th Heaven | The Adam Friedland Show

i just don't want anyone to think i'm like a degenerate i don't know i'm
feeling a little
more do kids think that though i mean it's like are there people that are like
like it's like oh
how do you think you became an alcoholic they're like oh my dad would wear
shorts
yeah you know it's like that's not a way you can fuck up a kid is by having
whack clothes i'm just trying to be less of a commie these days well i'll tell
you what you
need to do is watch seventh heaven and take a page out of eric camden's book
okay because that
man is a perfect father okay there's not a single element of any of his
children's lives that he
doesn't have complete control over okay even their internal thoughts they're
not allowed they have to
pass they run it by him and then he issues fatwas from the kitchen okay you
know like that's that
seems like that's the ideal situation i hate that show you're still mad about
it yeah well i still
when you were like mad i literally have been watching it every night i was
watching fucking
seventh heaven last night really yeah i can't help myself and then it builds
and i'm sitting there with
my girlfriend and the intro comes on i'm like i hate this fucking song and she's
like do you want to
skip it i'm like no i think it gets let it wash over like it's me fired up to
just fucking hate these
people and uh and it works i mean you know but that's like it's like the family's
being bad the family's
never doing anything that's actually bad right you know it's like fucking you
know eric who's like the
older brother who's like 30 years old like he stays at every what's his name
yeah barry watson he like
stays at a girl's house till like 5 a.m uh-huh and then the dad's like have you
completely lost your
mind you know and that's like exactly how he reacts it's like screaming at the
top of his lungs
and then they're grounded but like what does that mean because it's like they're
still allowed to
they're like well he can still go to the library and go to school and it's like
that's all he was doing
anyways he doesn't do anything your kids don't do anything other than fucking i
think deep down you
want to be a member of this family and you know i want to watch you dad i want
to watch more episodes
of seventh heaven and be like you fucking piece of shit and it's good and it's
healthy because they're
fictional characters now when there's a tv show like that where there's i mean
how many seasons of
seventh heaven are there i think there's seven seasons so when there's when you
there's seven
seasons there's probably like 20 episodes in a season how do you approach a
piece a piece of
content like that just but you just pick randomly no you just watch it straight
you watch it straight
through watch it straight through there was a good one i got it was like it was
maybe episode five or
six of season one yeah where and they're in living in like i'm assuming this is
supposed to be like
northern california i think it's about it's like it's like elk grove or
something how far into the
series are you i'm close to the end of the second season now okay so the they're
in it's like
sopranos so but he's watched like 20 hours they're in like suburban sacramento
he's already seen it
this is like his fourth time around is there in suburban sacramento no this is
the first time i've sat
down to like watch the show i mean it was on all the time when i was a kid so a
lot of this i'm
familiar with having seen the show yeah but like so they're in suburban sacramento
the year is 1996
and uh somebody burns down the black church uh-huh you know because yeah that's
just that's that was
happening all the time and so the black church family has to move in with the
camdens for a week
while they like you know i don't i don't know why they have to move in with
them i think it's because
they're worried somebody might burn down their house also right and so they're
i mean it's like
1950s alabama it's fucking insane like the heat of the night people are burning
down the black minister's
house and like all this i mean yeah so they have to live with the camdens and
they live with the
camdens and like the children they have the scene they move in and all the
black kids are on one side
of the living room and the white kids are on the other side of the living room
and the white kids
are like so do you um like things you know like that's like they never oh they
can't they're
never met a black kid and so one by one they start integrating right and uh and
so like you know they
pair off because obviously the black family have the same kids of the same age
right and they brought
all their grandkids in too right so it works their way up from the bottom so
the young the babies because
they haven't learned prejudice yet they get along right away oh okay and then
simon yeah and then
simon and simon and the black boy they so of course you're prejudiced against
the people who are living
in your house yeah right but i mean it's like they i mean they might as well be
fucking aliens and simon
and the black child or son they become friends and they go to a park and they're
playing and then
simon decides to take all his toys away and then a bully on the park calls him
an n-word lover
and simon punches him in the face i mean it's like i mean and they drop it the
kids it's insane
yeah that's insane wow like a guys an eight-year-old would be dropping the n-word
love n-word lover yeah
you know like it's where do you learn it it's nuts you know and then so and
then simon's like you
know you take that back meanwhile at the same time so the same character simon
is like mom why would
anyone want to burn down their church like he just doesn't understand it right
but he knows he knows
about the n-word and what n-word means and that's happening right of course lucy
becomes friends with
like the black daughter and so lucy comes out and she's got oh she looks like
bo derrick now she's
got fucking braids oh right right right and then the father's like what what is
this normally if she
had had braids that would be a screaming match in the house and he would make
her shave her head
has to accept and spend yeah spend like 10 days in that black cube in mecca you
know as punishment
but not this time so they come out and the family they like they see lucy's braids
and like she's
like look what kaisha did you know yeah and then kaisha walks in the frame she
goes it's an ancient
african hairstyle dating back to and then explains that this is an ancient african
hairstyle you know
and that's why she has the braid so that's their cultural sharing yeah and then
the final part is
the older black brother and matt they don't they take the longest to get to to
you know so at one
point they take the longest simon is in are the parents at odds too or they're
cool with each other
because they're boomers and they solved racism they went to woods they
understand yeah they were they
remember fucking listening they're che guevara yeah exactly they remember they
were they weren't like
they were probably there's an evangelical christian they were vaguely aware of
of like soul music yeah
you know so that means they don't have to they get all this is it you know
because it's 1996 so the
prevailing mentality at the time is like boomers solved racism we fixed overreacting
to rodney king
it's like so that's you know anyways so then the older brother uh the older
brother and you know
they don't really get along because the older black brother is like he's kind
of surly you know
and uh you know mary's like hey you guys want to play basketball he's like oh
because that's what we
like we like basketball huh you think that's what we do after church you know
and so uh like matt
like you man him there's tension and then they go to pick up the kids at school
right they go pick
up simon and simon's taking a while to get out you know because he's in
suspension for punching that
boy that called him an n-word lover oh he got in trouble for that he got in
trouble for it so he's
in he's an after school that's an injustice yeah like did the boy get suspended
too the one who
dropped the n-bomb they don't mention the principal now yeah no he got a
promotion yeah well you have
to understand this is sacramento in 1996 this is he's on paid leave the other
kids so normalized yeah
racist place yeah yeah and so uh the school security guard he's like he sees
them parked outside in the
loop where people park to pick up their children from school uh-huh that's
where they go and it's
after school yeah time where you'd be i think i know where this is so matt
comes down there he's
like he's gonna he sees the black kids he's like the hell are y'all doing over
here you know and
matt's like we're just picking our brother up from school man stop giving us a
hard time
you know doing this yeah really doing his acting man man man could you just
like stop giving us a hard time man
we're just picking up my christian brother from school his friend
because the security guy's like there's a black guy in your car black guy yeah
and he's
like yeah well my job is to keep vandals you know like looking at the black vandals
yeah
away from your vandals and miscreants you guys are gonna get back in the car
and leave he's like
we're picking up my brother man yeah you know okay we're just kidding you're
not even a real cop
and he's like get back in the car and leave or whatever and they're like
whatever man forget you
and then i think that they just leave simon i can't remember yeah pick him up
or not but they
leave and they're getting back to the house and then like um you know they're
walking back and the
black brother is like man why do you think he gave us a hard time back there
and matt's like i don't
know the guy was just a rent-a-cop dick you know he's like oh you think that's
all it was you know
and he's like trying to explain he's like man everybody's afraid of me did i
ever do anything to
you did i ever threaten you did i ever hurt you in any way but you're afraid of
me too just like the
security guard was and then like matt says the black kid goes no you know what
the issue is man
it's your attitude all right oh no you go around with a chip on your shoulder
like everybody owes you
something oh no oh no you're living off the dole and then the black older
brother he's like he goes
like he takes it into consideration that's the lesson that's the cultural
sharing that happens is that
they have bad attitudes yeah they got bad attitudes they're just waiting for
handouts
they got bad attitudes and so matt teaches the older brother that it's like
because black men have a bad
attitude that's why stuff like their welfare keys oh yeah yeah and then at
dinner right there's an
ongoing joke throughout the episode where each one they take each family member
it goes down the line
until they take turns where somebody says you know if you rub salt on butter it
heats up and then they
pour salt on the butter stick and then he goes yeah put your hand over it and
then when they put the
hand over to feel it so the other person smashes their hand oh good prank right
and um and then and
then the dads are like oh i'll remember this trick and it's like what no this
isn't a trick it's some
weird fucking thing you made up they're gonna end up with a grease stain on
their shirt it starts with
matt and they do the trick down the family until it gets to ruthie and then
ruthie does it to the
older black brother and then this is after matt's speech to him about his
attitude it's your attitude
yeah no it's your shitty attitude and then but but before that before how the
butter gets to the
table right because matt says that the older brother and the other brother is
like oh it's my attitude
problem that's why black males are you know oh my god and uh yeah so then they're
at the dinner table
and the the mom says matt can you go tell lucy to bring the butter into the
kitchen and matt instead of
getting up he goes lucy bring the butter into the k