Name: Adam's Gay Thought Experiment
Uploaded: 2025-10-11T13:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Adam's Gay Thought Experiment' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Adam's Gay Thought Experiment' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-11. Transcript available.

Don't you think to some extent, like, the way we talk about children is a
little bit cruel?
How do you mean? I do agree.
Listen, I'm the, you know, I'm the freaking Voltaire of the left, right?
Okay, but like...
Don't degrade yourself by comparing yourself to Voltaire.
I'm the freaking Spinoza of the left.
You're the Marquis de Sade of the left.
I am, yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm the Sun Tzu of the left.
But like, I do think that there isn't on both sides of political discourse.
And first of all, sides. It's just you guys, really.
Who? Art?
And we can get into that.
It's like, why has there been an advantage in, like, online discourse on one
side, really?
Oh, you're saying on the right? Yeah, it is.
I don't want to go there yet.
But I don't want to go there yet.
But like, I do think there hasn't been a discussion enough about when we talk
about kids,
we just talk about their penises and vaginas.
And I think it's a little perverse.
Again, I'd like to question your premise here.
I think it's a little bit perverse, and I don't think it's Christian.
I don't think that's a Christian approach to, like, talking about how...
Yeah, but I don't think we do that.
I think that's a false premise.
If I'm reading your big...
You're right that the liberal politicians came out and said we need to castrate
kids.
And then conservatives...
I don't think that's true.
You don't think that we castrate kids?
I don't think that's...
You don't think we do the trans procedures on kids?
I don't think Pelosi said we need to cut their dicks off.
He said we need to support trans children.
That is a euphemism to mean we need to put them on cross-sex hormones, and in
some cases, mutilate them.
Across the board, whether they're trans or not, they weren't able...
Coast-to-coast, national politicians, like Nancy Pelosi...
Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro.
You're talking about something that is probably just a statistical insignificance,
and you're highlighting it...
The 2024 election was one on that issue.
You're highlighting it.
You're highlighting it.
No, it's not.
It's a major political issue.
You're highlighting it to vilify an entire group of people.
I'm not vilifying anyone.
Again, I really don't agree with the premise.
I mean, there are a lot of things to talk about.
You know that I won that one.
You know I just won that one.
You went to Yale, too, bro.
I don't...
No, I don't think so.
You went to Yale, and I won that one.
Did you?
Damn, I should have taught at Yale.
Okay, I just...
So, okay, you also go on those shows where it's like Only Fans?
The Whatever podcast.
I've gone on that a couple times.
Yeah, and you yell at girls that show their titties and vaginas?
I definitely don't yell at them, yeah.
But you tell them that you're high-value cigar men and that they're low-value
prostitutes?
I'm not sure I've ever said that, yeah.
What does your wife say to you before you go to one of them shows?
Yeah, so I could have a good work trip, honey.
I don't...
Yeah.
Your wife...
Come on, bro.
Think about that.
She said, I support you in yelling.
A work trip?
I don't yell...
Again, I think your premises are a little suspect.
Do you go on a plane to the yelling at Only Fans show?
Yeah, I don't yell at them.
You travel on a plane to that?
Yeah, I travel on a lot of my planes.
And what does your wife say?
Well, she says...
My girl would kill me if...
My girl would kill me.
If you went on a dating podcast?
A dating podcast?
Yeah.
No, it's a podcast where girls that take their clothes off for money get told
by men, and
there's a...
Well, I guess the difference is I tell them not to.
There's a white guy one and a black guy one, right?
Yes.
And the black guy one, they are all Holocaust deniers now.
I've never been on the black guy one, actually.
You should go on the black guy one, dude.
I don't think they've invited me on.
So you go on a show where you tell girls not to do Only Fans?
Yeah, don't sell your bodies for sex is my name.
You should have gone Goldman Sachs, dude.
What the hell are you doing?
That sounds way more boring.
It's so good.
Because if I were at Goldman Sachs, they'd be like, what do you do?
I'd say, I invest money and whatever.
But you ask me, what do I do now?
I don't know.
I just kind of talk.
You seem like a nice guy, right?
I appreciate that.
But what's the motivation behind telling a stranger they're a bad person?
I don't tell them they're a bad person.
But you are effectively telling them that their entire life is bad and that
they...
They should improve it.
That they would be happier and flourish if they improved it.
But it's a stranger.
It's a stranger, right?
Yeah, I don't know these girls.
And it's also someone that doesn't...
You have some modicum of power.
It's someone that has...
It's some nobody.
You're telling a nobody that they're stupid.
I don't do that.
No.
Yeah, you do.
I think all of your premises are a little bit mistaken.
Why are you smiling, then?
Bro, why are you smiling?
Because...
You know you're going on the prostitution to tell them that they're loose women.
And they shouldn't be loose women.
I do tell them they shouldn't be loose women.
That's true.
I don't want to get involved with that.
I know.
Your premise, I guess, is you don't want to be involved with other people.
I think I'm a human being who lives in a society.
And I think we should conduce to the common good.
And we should help our fellow man and have charity for them.
So that would be a...
It's not charitable, though.
It is charitable.
It's not charitable to tell someone that they're...
Charity is to will the good of the other.
That they're being a bad person.
No, no, no.
To say, hey, you should not do things that are bad for you.
And you should do things that are good for you.
Yeah, but if someone's already had all the trans surgeries.
And they're like, I'm happy now.
And you're saying that you tell them that they're actually a man and stuff.
You know that you're not being nice to them.
I am certainly...
I think the truth is nice.
It's a stranger.
I think lies are very mean and disrespectful.
And you know it's not nice to them.
I think it's nice to tell people the truth.
You have to tell people the truth.
Like, in love.
You can't say, like, hey, you fat, ugly jerk.
No, it's a know-it-all.
But can't you just admit it's just showbiz and it does numbers?
No, it's not just showbiz.
It does do numbers.
That is just showbiz, dude.
No, it's not.
It's not.
It's important to tell people the truth.
It's not.
And it's good for them.
Okay.
Can we call Ben?
I just want to say what else.
Did he text me back?
Let me see.
He definitely did.
He totally did.
What did he say?
Hold on.
I'm going to read it first before I...
What did he say?
Hold on.
Just hit him up, dude, please.
Hold on.
This will be the amazing finale for the episode.
This is great.
What did he say?
He said, LMAO, tell him sane.
Wait, just call him.
He said that.
Call him real quick.
No, I'm not calling him.
Please, call Ben.
This is my show.
It's El Capitan.
No, I'm not putting...
Why are you being afraid of the boss?
Do you be a little bit bold?
Yeah, I'm not...
I don't want to...
Hey, what do I care?
Hey, what do I care?
You know, what do I care what Ben's doing?
It's not up to me.
It's not my...
What do I care?
What do you mean?
He's being gay right now?
I did not call him gay.
Can I say something to you, my sister is like...
My sister is...
Is she a Ben fan?
Rather woke.
And she said his Wicked review was incredible.
She said Ben hit the nail on the head.
He's like, this is not as good as the original cast recording.
Kristen Chenoweth saying...
Idina Menzel.
Idina Menzel saying, let it go.
Much better.
Can you please call Ben?
Yeah, no.
No.
You can't go to LaGuardia until you call Ben.
I'm not calling him.
All right, thought experiment.
Yeah.
Either you do my thought experiment.
Yeah, I'm in.
I'm in for the experiment.
Okay, you're walking down the street.
You see two guys having sex with each other.
Michael, answer my question.
You're walking down the street.
You see two fellas fully in the nude.
Actually, they're both wearing Jordans.
It's in Uganda.
They're both wearing Jordan ones.
They're having sex with each other, right?
Yeah.
Do you intervene and tell them to stop having sex?
Yeah, actually.
In the street?
If it were in their private room, I'd say, hey, fellas, please stop it.
Okay, and they keep having sex after you say that?
Yeah, I'd say, first I call Ben Shapiro, obviously, because you asked me to.
Then I call the police, and I say, get those guys out of the street.
The police are too far.
Okay.
They're too far.
You see a six-year-old walking down the other side of the street.
Yeah.
You're next to the, around the corner.
You're at a corner, right?
You see these two fellas fully in the buff having sex.
A six-year-old coming towards you, right?
Yeah.
Okay?
You got about, like, what are you going to say?
Split second.
Caleb, how long is that six-year-old going down a full city block?
Ten seconds.
Ten seconds.
You got ten seconds.
What are you going to do?
Physical intervention?
I guess I'd...
Are you going to punch them?
No, I would probably divert the six-year-old.
Say, hey, hey, hey, don't go...
Because I don't want to really get that involved with the guys.
I don't know if they...
This might be like Scott Wiener in California.
They are pretty buff these days.
The gay guys are like, they look like...
They're buff.
They look like John Cena these days.
Yeah, I'm not trying to catch that, you know, monkey box or anything.
Okay, but the six-year-old has an appointment, and the six-year-old is like, I
have an appointment.
I cannot, I cannot do this.
Yeah.
The six-year-old's like, stranger, stranger, stranger.
Because they know, you know, the six-year-old's like, the six-year-old jukes
you Barry Sanders
style, okay?
Okay.
Six-year-old's continuing.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
You have, you have about five seconds now.
I dive, I have to...
You have to dive on the men having sex?
I could, you know what?
I would probably take my jacket off and throw it on the men in the buff so that
the six-year-old
wouldn't see them.
Okay.
And then I would have to get a new jacket.
Jacket blocked.
Jacket on the floor.
By the homosexuals?
You have three seconds now.
Okay.
Three seconds.
The kid has a very important appointment.
I've got, and can I, can I sort of walk alongside the kid to kind of block it?
So, he's still walking, but I'm kind of blocking his view.
You're too skinny.
You're not gay, actually.
You're not buff like gay guys.
I'm not buffing fat.
Yeah, yeah.
The kid is also like, the kid is fast and wily.
Yeah.
Okay.
And the kid has to turn the corner, too.
Yeah.
So, at that point, I...
And plus, your body's not going to block two incredibly jack gay guys only
wearing Jordan
ones.
Chicagos.
Chicagos.
You want me to tackle the homosexuals, don't you?
I don't want you.
I'm going to say, "What do you do?"
What do you want me to do?
You want me to jump on the gay guys, is what you're saying.
Okay.
That's what you're clearly saying.
I'm saying, "What do you do?"
What do I do?
I don't know what to do.
At that point, I can either tackle the six-year-old, or...
I'm a liberal.
I'm going to tell the six-year-old that this is their sexual education.
This is beautiful.
So, tell me what you do if you see these two hunks.
You see these two...
Yeah.
You see these two guys, they look like Tom of Finland illustrations.
Yeah.
They've got huge ones, too.
You've never even seen that big.
Okay?
You're seeing that they're going at it.
I mean, it's kind of like the most athleticism and tenacity on display you've
ever seen.
It's really impressive.
If not for the child there, I might marvel.
In fact, you're watching them having sex and you're like, in fact, they have to
be gay.
Yes.
Right?
It's their weight class.
Yeah.
They can't have sex with a woman because they'd kill them.
Right?
These two Adonises...
Yes.
They literally...
They're Greek.
The tenacity and athleticism on display is just phenomenal.
I see.
And so the kid says...
Listen, it's not my thing, but I...
And you know, on that point then, the kid would say, finally he sees it, it's
three seconds.
He says, "Ah!
What's that?"
You let the kid see it.
I don't...
Well, I apparently can't stop him.
And he sees it, and so what do I say?
I say, "That is Achilles and Patroclus, and this is a lesson in ancient Greece."
So you do sexual education seven-year-old style?
I do historical education.
You do seven-year-old sexual...
Historical, yes.
Non-sexual.
You do drag queen story hour at the library?
I would not lie.
I would not lie to him.
I would just...
Take a partial truth.
This is how the blue pill...
This is how the blue pill...
He took the blue pill, everyone.
Thank you.

Adam's Gay Thought Experiment

Don't you think to some extent, like, the way we talk about children is a
little bit cruel?
How do you mean? I do agree.
Listen, I'm the, you know, I'm the freaking Voltaire of the left, right?
Okay, but like...
Don't degrade yourself by comparing yourself to Voltaire.
I'm the freaking Spinoza of the left.
You're the Marquis de Sade of the left.
I am, yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm the Sun Tzu of the left.
But like, I do think that there isn't on both sides of political discourse.
And first of all, sides. It's just you guys, really.
Who? Art?
And we can get into that.
It's like, why has there been an advantage in, like, online discourse on one
side, really?
Oh, you're saying on the right? Yeah, it is.
I don't want to go there yet.
But I don't want to go there yet.
But like, I do think there hasn't been a discussion enough about when we talk
about kids,
we just talk about their penises and vaginas.
And I think it's a little perverse.
Again, I'd like to question your premise here.
I think it's a little bit perverse, and I don't think it's Christian.
I don't think that's a Christian approach to, like, talking about how...
Yeah, but I don't think we do that.
I think that's a false premise.
If I'm reading your big...
You're right that the liberal politicians came out and said we need to castrate
kids.
And then conservatives...
I don't think that's true.
You don't think that we castrate kids?
I don't think that's...
You don't think we do the trans procedures on kids?
I don't think Pelosi said we need to cut their dicks off.
He said we need to support trans children.
That is a euphemism to mean we need to put them on cross-sex hormones, and in
some cases, mutilate them.
Across the board, whether they're trans or not, they weren't able...
Coast-to-coast, national politicians, like Nancy Pelosi...
Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro.
You're talking about something that is probably just a statistical insignificance,
and you're highlighting it...
The 2024 election was one on that issue.
You're highlighting it.
You're highlighting it.
No, it's not.
It's a major political issue.
You're highlighting it to vilify an entire group of people.
I'm not vilifying anyone.
Again, I really don't agree with the premise.
I mean, there are a lot of things to talk about.
You know that I won that one.
You know I just won that one.
You went to Yale, too, bro.
I don't...
No, I don't think so.
You went to Yale, and I won that one.
Did you?
Damn, I should have taught at Yale.
Okay, I just...
So, okay, you also go on those shows where it's like Only Fans?
The Whatever podcast.
I've gone on that a couple times.
Yeah, and you yell at girls that show their titties and vaginas?
I definitely don't yell at them, yeah.
But you tell them that you're high-value cigar men and that they're low-value
prostitutes?
I'm not sure I've ever said that, yeah.
What does your wife say to you before you go to one of them shows?
Yeah, so I could have a good work trip, honey.
I don't...
Yeah.
Your wife...
Come on, bro.
Think about that.
She said, I support you in yelling.
A work trip?
I don't yell...
Again, I think your premises are a little suspect.
Do you go on a plane to the yelling at Only Fans show?
Yeah, I don't yell at them.
You travel on a plane to that?
Yeah, I travel on a lot of my planes.
And what does your wife say?
Well, she says...
My girl would kill me if...
My girl would kill me.
If you went on a dating podcast?
A dating podcast?
Yeah.
No, it's a podcast where girls that take their clothes off for money get told
by men, and
there's a...
Well, I guess the difference is I tell them not to.
There's a white guy one and a black guy one, right?
Yes.
And the black guy one, they are all Holocaust deniers now.
I've never been on the black guy one, actually.
You should go on the black guy one, dude.
I don't think they've invited me on.
So you go on a show where you tell girls not to do Only Fans?
Yeah, don't sell your bodies for sex is my name.
You should have gone Goldman Sachs, dude.
What the hell are you doing?
That sounds way more boring.
It's so good.
Because if I were at Goldman Sachs, they'd be like, what do you do?
I'd say, I invest money and whatever.
But you ask me, what do I do now?
I don't know.
I just kind of talk.
You seem like a nice guy, right?
I appreciate that.
But what's the motivation behind telling a stranger they're a bad person?
I don't tell them they're a bad person.
But you are effectively telling them that their entire life is bad and that
they...
They should improve it.
That they would be happier and flourish if they improved it.
But it's a stranger.
It's a stranger, right?
Yeah, I don't know these girls.
And it's also someone that doesn't...
You have some modicum of power.
It's someone that has...
It's some nobody.
You're telling a nobody that they're stupid.
I don't do that.
No.
Yeah, you do.
I think all of your premises are a little bit mistaken.
Why are you smiling, then?
Bro, why are you smiling?
Because...
You know you're going on the prostitution to tell them that they're loose women.
And they shouldn't be loose women.
I do tell them they shouldn't be loose women.
That's true.
I don't want to get involved with that.
I know.
Your premise, I guess, is you don't want to be involved with other people.
I think I'm a human being who lives in a society.
And I think we should conduce to the common good.
And we should help our fellow man and have charity for them.
So that would be a...
It's not charitable, though.
It is charitable.
It's not charitable to tell someone that they're...
Charity is to will the good of the other.
That they're being a bad person.
No, no, no.
To say, hey, you should not do things that are bad for you.
And you should do things that are good for you.
Yeah, but if someone's already had all the trans surgeries.
And they're like, I'm happy now.
And you're saying that you tell them that they're actually a man and stuff.
You know that you're not being nice to them.
I am certainly...
I think the truth is nice.
It's a stranger.
I think lies are very mean and disrespectful.
And you know it's not nice to them.
I think it's nice to tell people the truth.
You have to tell people the truth.
Like, in love.
You can't say, like, hey, you fat, ugly jerk.
No, it's a know-it-all.
But can't you just admit it's just showbiz and it does numbers?
No, it's not just showbiz.
It does do numbers.
That is just showbiz, dude.
No, it's not.
It's not.
It's important to tell people the truth.
It's not.
And it's good for them.
Okay.
Can we call Ben?
I just want to say what else.
Did he text me back?
Let me see.
He definitely did.
He totally did.
What did he say?
Hold on.
I'm going to read it first before I...
What did he say?
Hold on.
Just hit him up, dude, please.
Hold on.
This will be the amazing finale for the episode.
This is great.
What did he say?
He said, LMAO, tell him sane.
Wait, just call him.
He said that.
Call him real quick.
No, I'm not calling him.
Please, call Ben.
This is my show.
It's El Capitan.
No, I'm not putting...
Why are you being afraid of the boss?
Do you be a little bit bold?
Yeah, I'm not...
I don't want to...
Hey, what do I care?
Hey, what do I care?
You know, what do I care what Ben's doing?
It's not up to me.
It's not my...
What do I care?
What do you mean?
He's being gay right now?
I did not call him gay.
Can I say something to you, my sister is like...
My sister is...
Is she a Ben fan?
Rather woke.
And she said his Wicked review was incredible.
She said Ben hit the nail on the head.
He's like, this is not as good as the original cast recording.
Kristen Chenoweth saying...
Idina Menzel.
Idina Menzel saying, let it go.
Much better.
Can you please call Ben?
Yeah, no.
No.
You can't go to LaGuardia until you call Ben.
I'm not calling him.
All right, thought experiment.
Yeah.
Either you do my thought experiment.
Yeah, I'm in.
I'm in for the experiment.
Okay, you're walking down the street.
You see two guys having sex with each other.
Michael, answer my question.
You're walking down the street.
You see two fellas fully in the nude.
Actually, they're both wearing Jordans.
It's in Uganda.
They're both wearing Jordan ones.
They're having sex with each other, right?
Yeah.
Do you intervene and tell them to stop having sex?
Yeah, actually.
In the street?
If it were in their private room, I'd say, hey, fellas, please stop it.
Okay, and they keep having sex after you say that?
Yeah, I'd say, first I call Ben Shapiro, obviously, because you asked me to.
Then I call the police, and I say, get those guys out of the street.
The police are too far.
Okay.
They're too far.
You see a six-year-old walking down the other side of the street.
Yeah.
You're next to the, around the corner.
You're at a corner, right?
You see these two fellas fully in the buff having sex.
A six-year-old coming towards you, right?
Yeah.
Okay?
You got about, like, what are you going to say?
Split second.
Caleb, how long is that six-year-old going down a full city block?
Ten seconds.
Ten seconds.
You got ten seconds.
What are you going to do?
Physical intervention?
I guess I'd...
Are you going to punch them?
No, I would probably divert the six-year-old.
Say, hey, hey, hey, don't go...
Because I don't want to really get that involved with the guys.
I don't know if they...
This might be like Scott Wiener in California.
They are pretty buff these days.
The gay guys are like, they look like...
They're buff.
They look like John Cena these days.
Yeah, I'm not trying to catch that, you know, monkey box or anything.
Okay, but the six-year-old has an appointment, and the six-year-old is like, I
have an appointment.
I cannot, I cannot do this.
Yeah.
The six-year-old's like, stranger, stranger, stranger.
Because they know, you know, the six-year-old's like, the six-year-old jukes
you Barry Sanders
style, okay?
Okay.
Six-year-old's continuing.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
You have, you have about five seconds now.
I dive, I have to...
You have to dive on the men having sex?
I could, you know what?
I would probably take my jacket off and throw it on the men in the buff so that
the six-year-old
wouldn't see them.
Okay.
And then I would have to get a new jacket.
Jacket blocked.
Jacket on the floor.
By the homosexuals?
You have three seconds now.
Okay.
Three seconds.
The kid has a very important appointment.
I've got, and can I, can I sort of walk alongside the kid to kind of block it?
So, he's still walking, but I'm kind of blocking his view.
You're too skinny.
You're not gay, actually.
You're not buff like gay guys.
I'm not buffing fat.
Yeah, yeah.
The kid is also like, the kid is fast and wily.
Yeah.
Okay.
And the kid has to turn the corner, too.
Yeah.
So, at that point, I...
And plus, your body's not going to block two incredibly jack gay guys only
wearing Jordan
ones.
Chicagos.
Chicagos.
You want me to tackle the homosexuals, don't you?
I don't want you.
I'm going to say, "What do you do?"
What do you want me to do?
You want me to jump on the gay guys, is what you're saying.
Okay.
That's what you're clearly saying.
I'm saying, "What do you do?"
What do I do?
I don't know what to do.
At that point, I can either tackle the six-year-old, or...
I'm a liberal.
I'm going to tell the six-year-old that this is their sexual education.
This is beautiful.
So, tell me what you do if you see these two hunks.
You see these two...
Yeah.
You see these two guys, they look like Tom of Finland illustrations.
Yeah.
They've got huge ones, too.
You've never even seen that big.
Okay?
You're seeing that they're going at it.
I mean, it's kind of like the most athleticism and tenacity on display you've
ever seen.
It's really impressive.
If not for the child there, I might marvel.
In fact, you're watching them having sex and you're like, in fact, they have to
be gay.
Yes.
Right?
It's their weight class.
Yeah.
They can't have sex with a woman because they'd kill them.
Right?
These two Adonises...
Yes.
They literally...
They're Greek.
The tenacity and athleticism on display is just phenomenal.
