Name: Why Richard Kind Won't Talk About George Clooney
Uploaded: 2025-10-18T13:01:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Why Richard Kind Won't Talk About George Clooney' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Why Richard Kind Won't Talk About George Clooney' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-18. Transcript available.

Speaking of crapping and animals, there's a legend there, you were roommates
with Mr.
George Clooney.
I'm sure you're asked about this all the time.
All the time.
Let's not ask about it now.
Okay.
No, I'm going to stop.
I'll stop.
I'm going to tell you a couple of things.
So George Clooney took a shit on your dog.
That's correct.
Yeah, that's the story.
I will tell you, I get asked.
My joke is that under special skills on my resume, I have a friend of George
Clooney.
More people ask about George than they ask about me.
I didn't mean to.
I know you don't mean to.
I thought it was the proximity of the animal crapping story.
Let me just say this is how improvised and fresh this is.
We didn't even pre-interview.
So he doesn't know, don't ask a lot about George because, I'm going to tell you
why, it's because
he gets asked about by me a lot, number one.
Number two, I talk and I talk and I talk and I talk.
And I might say something that may be interpreted as negative about George.
And you know what, just recently I was misquoted in New Yorker magazine and in
the notes, they
had like an interview, a fact checking thing.
I cleared it up.
And still it was printed incorrectly.
I read that you, you said that George Clooney wants China to invade Taiwan,
didn't you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
See, why would you say that?
This is why I don't like to talk about it.
You should check with your friend.
They misunderstand.
Why would you say that?
People misunderstand.
That's a huge global, that's a global, that is...
I know, it's a wrong decision.
And his wife's at the UN.
I mean, it's just crazy.
It was horrible.
It's...
What do you think you're doing?
Yeah.
Okay.
And anything we'll say could be taken by the New York Post.
And in turn, so I don't like to talk about George.
And yet, as stories go on, I always bring them up.
But I'm not gonna...
I try not to.
You also said that George Clooney said on January 6th they should have finished
the job?
Why are you going there?
I don't know.
You're so...
I don't know what I'm doing.
I was late today.
My dog's been shitting all night.
You're an incendiary community.
My dog's been shitting all night.
What do you want to know about me?
I first became aware of you during Spin City.
That was like when I was a kid.
And yet, I had a life before that.
But that's okay.
No, no, no.
I don't believe you did.
But that's how old you are.
But I understand from my research, you grew up in Philly.
And you and I were at a very similar crossroads in our lives.
We both were gonna go to law school and then we pursued our fabulous artistic
pursuit.
Yeah, well, I'd say it and this is...
I mean, anybody who's seen an interview with me, I always say this.
My dad's best friend said try acting...
Roy Cohn.
What?
Roy Cohn?
He was the lawyer for the McCarthy hearings.
Well, George...
He was George's lawyer and then told me to, you know, hook on to Roy Cohn.
Yeah, yeah.
So my dad's best friend said try acting because when you're 40 you're gonna
resent your wife
and kids for having left your dream behind.
So I tried it and I was...
I actually wasn't any good, but I got away with it.
And I enjoyed it.
And then...
Okay, I'm gonna tell you something that I think is sort of interesting.
And it hit me.
Is that when you're around 27, 28, 29 and you're an actor, all of a sudden at
that age,
you want a house, you want kids, you want money, you want the trappings that
you knew your parents had.
And so you say enough of this acting and you'll either go into law or you
become a producer,
a director or a writer or whatever it is or an agent and you make a lot more
money.
When I was 27 or 28, I went to Second City.
Yeah.
And I was hired and I worked every night.
So I was an actor every night for four and a half years.
So I didn't even have time to say...
And I was making a living, not a good living, but I was making a living.
And then all of a sudden I'm 33 years old and Jesus, what am I going to do with
my life?
And I kept being an actor.
I think my qualification was if I can make money for rent and everything from
just comedy.
Like if I didn't need another job, then I was a comedian.
I used to say I didn't want to have kids until I could afford to send them to
camp.
Really?
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So we have our bar and I did.
I made rent.
Yeah.
I could make rent all the time.
Did you go to camp growing up?
Hell yeah.
Me too.
Yeah.
What camp?
Where?
Upstate New York, obviously.
A Jewish...
Well, I went to Camp Sunapee in New London, New Hampshire.
Did you...
Were there girls at yours?
No.
Oh, really?
No.
Were there girls at yours?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
To get laid?
No.
Anyway, I then went to tennis camp and didn't get laid, but, you know, went
this far from...
Yeah, I was pretty close.
Yeah, I was pretty close.
Yeah, I got pretty close.
I wasn't doing really...
And she was a good tennis player.
She was, too.
I don't know.
Really?
I don't remember.
She was funny, though.
She was pretty smart.
Why?
I don't know.
She probably...
You know what?
You're right.
Because I don't get pretty girls, I get smart girls.
I...
You get...
You've dated some of the most beautiful women.
I was very lucky.
My wife, who is no longer my wife, but is beautiful.
Yeah.
I've been very lucky.
I...
It's why I don't date...
Why I don't have as many girlfriends as I would have liked in my life.
Because my bar is high, especially with what's on my resume.
My problem was I would watch Seinfeld growing up and I would see George...
You got everybody.
I would see George with these 11s and I'd be like, it's a lie.
Right.
It's on TV.
Obviously, he...
And then I moved to New York and it's...
This is the land of...
This is the place where...
Beautiful, smart, you know what they do like...
But us...
But us guys, somehow...
We do.
It's true.
Because they've seen enough...
Because they've watched Annie Hall, they think it's acceptable.
To be with a friggin'...
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Costanza and Mr. Allen.
You're right.
I mean...
It's very true.
It's kind of true.
Yeah, it's kind of true.
I'm never leaving.
I can't.
Do you like LA?
What do you think?
What kind of action could I get going over there?
In Texas, do you think I could meet a woman?
In Texas?
No, I was born in LA, in fact.
Were you?
Yeah.
If I were a betting man, I would have said you were not.
I was...
Well, I look like I'm...
Juju, Juju, Juju from Brooklyn.
My parents are from South Africa.
Cape Town.
No kidding.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to South Africa.
I'm taking my kids on a safari.
Oh, you are?
Yeah.
Where are you going?
A crew here?
Botswana.
Botswana.
Oh my God, you're going on the good one.
I know.
You're going on the good one.
Oh my God, it's awesome.
I...
Can I come?
Sure.
Okay, we can go see my grandma.
She's 94.
We need somebody to throw out.
She just got a hip.
A little luring.
Bait.
Oh, your grandmother still lives in South Africa?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's never leaving.
Okay.
Yeah.
I understand.
She's your grandmother.
All the grandmas stayed.
All my parents' generation of Jews left.
Wow.
During apartheid.
And then the grandmas are like, I'm not going anywhere.
Of course not.
Well, that's not how they talk.
Well, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Does she have an accent?
Of course, yeah.
But not a Jewish accent.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what I realized?
Can you do an impression of her?
Adam, you've got a lot of problems.
Okay.
No, that's not what any Jewish grandmother sounds like.
I haven't seen you in four years.
Hear the things that are wrong with you.
So, we're competitors in this space.
You work for the other guys.
You work for the Red Sox.
What?
You're the announcer for Mulaney's talk show.
Yeah, but he doesn't have a podcast.
This is not a podcast.
This is 1000% long for a talk show.
Oh, I see, I see, I see, I see what you're saying.
Oh, this is a talk show.
I thought it was a podcast when I came in here.
And you weren't here when you were late.
This is a talk show.
In the style of Dick Cavett.
This is Dick Cavett, who I loved.
Yes, thank you.
And I don't blame you.
I don't blame you.
I know Dick Cavett.
I know he's alive.
He's not just alive.
He's a nice man.
How old is he?
He's like 90.
Okay.
Yeah.
He's old.
Why would you, why would you point fingers at age?
He's an old man.
I think it's great to live longer.
I don't want to die ever.
I don't either.
And yet, the other night, I'm coming up in my apartment.
And it's 2:30 in the morning.
And I opened the...
What's your address?
And I opened the door to the elevator.
And there's a man standing there who lives on my floor.
Very old man.
Very old.
And wizened and everything.
And I go, "John, what's the matter?"
He goes, "I'm waiting for my wife."
I mean, he's this.
He's a little man.
He's a little man.
And I go, "John, do you want to go back to bed?"
And he goes, "Yes."
And I put him, I take my arm around him and I walk him in.
And I walk him to his apartment and I go, I'm going, I walk him down.
And I don't want to scare his wife who has no idea that he's roaming the halls
waiting for her.
I go, "Louisa?"
"Louisa?"
"Louisa?"
And we get to the bed.
"Louisa?"
I'm doing it softly.
And then she just wakes up.
And a woman...
And she goes, "Oh!"
And just hopped out of bed.
I took his bathrobe off.
Helped him into bed.
He's got a urine stain the size of my fist.
And the saddest thing.
So, I want to live forever.
I want to see my kids grow up.
I want to see every good movie that's coming out.
I want to see what's going to happen to this country.
I love living.
I am truly the guy who says I will sleep when I'm dead.
I came home at 2:30.
My wife left me because I have so much energy.
I can't stop.
I don't want to be John.
I really thought that story was going to have a punchline.
Hey, I'm not all about funny.
I know.
You can have Anthony Weiner on here.
And you wasn't that funny.
I wasn't that funny?
No.
You might have been.
It was like two Jews having an argument.
I could be talking.
I could talk.
I'm not funny, funny, funny all the time.
You want funny, funny?
No, no, no, no.
You want funny, funny, funny today?
No, listen.
You're not.
I had to look at the coffee cup to see.
I'm not going to tell you to tap dance.
I had to remember his name.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can be funny if you want.
No, you don't have to be.
But I can be thoughtful.
You can be yourself.
I mean, that story was beautiful.
It's not beautiful.
It's really sad, actually.
It was in response to, I want to live forever.
Yeah.
Because you saw some disgusting...
Are we going to use any punctuation in our talking, like a period and now you
talk, and then you
talk a period and then I talk?
No.
No, we're just going to talk over each other, and then you're going to say
something that
I think is important, and I'm going to say, "What did you say?" so that I could
respond.
Are we getting along?
No.
You're my best friend.
Okay.
Good.
Do you get any points on Cosmigos?
Let's talk about something else.
Okay.