Name: Best of the Week - March 10, 2013 - Joe Rogan Experience
Uploaded: 2013-03-15T19:50:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Best of the Week - March 10, 2013 - Joe Rogan Experience' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Best of the Week - March 10, 2013 - Joe Rogan Experience' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-15. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan experience.
I said on camera, we had an email from somebody who said that his master could,
with point
pressure, they could knock you out.
I got a great story about this also with Amir.
Anyway, I looked in the camera.
I said, okay, anybody in America you're watching right now, if you have a
person who says that
he can knock me out with a punch, like just pressing somewhere, we invite him.
We pay him.
We pay his trip.
He can come on the show.
He can do it on camera, on me.
He can knock me out.
I said, it's a no-lose situation for me because if it works, I'm signing up.
I'm going to do that stuff.
But I tell you, it's not going to work.
We had this guy with, you know Amir Perez, you know him also, right, my buddy?
We see these guys on stage and the touch guys, right?
Yeah.
So one guy goes this, tick, and this is what the person does.
They just fall back.
And then the guy said, did you see his eyes roll back in his skull?
Well, that means he was out for real.
So I go to Amir, I go, this is going to be fun.
Watch this.
So these guys, they come walking down after the set.
I said, okay, do it to me.
I want you to do it to me.
You want him to knock out.
He said, are you sure about that?
I said, do it to me.
I want to know how it feels.
And he goes, you know what?
I got something better.
So he already steered away from it, right?
So he says, let me show you this.
And he walks over to his buddy.
They start talking to each other.
And then he walks away.
And in the corner, he stands like this.
Like, I mean, crazy.
And he runs towards his friend.
And he goes like this.
In midair, he stops and he flies on the ground.
So he threw like kung fu hands at him.
Kung fu hands at him.
Doesn't touch him.
Doesn't touch him.
I go, dude, I'm sold.
Do that to me.
Right.
I'm going to attack you right now.
So I'm going to the corner.
And he goes, yeah, but you have to be really angry.
I said, excuse me.
Yeah, really angry.
Otherwise, it won't work.
I say, your friend just did it, right?
I said, I think I can better act than your friend.
Don't worry.
I'll be in the zone.
You know, but really.
He says, no, no.
Because if you're not real angry, it doesn't work.
It needs to be that balance.
So I knew it was his way out.
So I walked over to him.
And I'm standing like this.
I said, kick me in the pills.
And he says, what?
I said, kick me in the pills.
I said, I'm going to be really fucking pissed.
You know?
He didn't want to do it, needless to say.
I mean, but they're idiots that truly believe that is true.
When you just stop and think about what an actual football player today,
a 310-pound man who can run like, literally like a track star of the 1930s.
Yeah.
You know, when you stop and think about the kind of damage they can do,
and you sort of look towards the future and extrapolate 1,000 years from now, 2,000
years from now.
Especially when this drastic change has happened in just the last 50, 60 years.
It's unbelievable.
When you look at where the guys are a third larger than they used to be in just
50 years.
Yeah.
So you extrapolate that out.
And, of course, there's genetic and physical limitations.
But as nutrition improves and science improves and genetic engineering improves,
you're going to wind up in the future.
Pro sports, a couple centuries from now, pro sports, they're not even going to
look human.
They're going to look like a different species.
That's how I came up with the idea for the book is I used to do a little stuff
for ESPN when I was in college,
like manage the team swimming off the field or hold the dish and that kind of a
thing.
And I was 126 pounds and Michigan-Michigan State's a giant football game every
year.
It's huge.
ESPN is there and my producer, Al Killian, I'm on the headset with him and he's
got me bringing the teams out of their dressing room.
And then he starts screwing with me because I'm 19, I don't know any better.
And he's in my ears going, listen, if they don't come out at the right time, ESPN
is going to lose $5 million of advertising and that's going to be on you.
And I'm like, he was fucking with me because he could, because I didn't know
any better.
And I'm like so stressed out.
And then let Michigan State out of the locker room at the appointed time and
all these giant human beings are coming out.
And then as they're coming out, they're running, walking by the door to the
Michigan locker room.
Michigan locker room door opens up and standing in the door is Greg Skrepnack.
You ever heard of him?
No.
He was 6'8", 360.
He was a giant, giant man.
Plus he's got all the gear on.
And I'm on the, and I'm like, and I'm, I'm a little tiny thing.
I'm freaking out.
I'm like, hell, hell, Michigan's going to come out.
He's like, you don't let them come out of that locker room.
I don't care what you have to do.
And so I, he's giant.
He's 6'8".
I'm 5'8".
I'm 125 pounds.
And he goes to step out and I just put my hand right, right on the sternum.
I just stiff armed him and went, stop right there.
You guys can't come out of that locker room yet.
And just, and he just, he looked confused.
He was like, who is this little person?
And he managed to wait and all the guys were behind him and he managed to wait
just long
enough for Michigan state to come out.
Then I got out of the way and they came out.
But I had, I wrote the whole concept of the book in that one moment, the whole
GFL series.
I had my hand on this guy's here.
My nose came up to his sternum.
And I remember thinking, it's like, he's a completely different species than me.
And that was, and after that, I went home and started writing that book.
Like, what if we have different species playing football?
And the whole thing blew up from there.
How do these people feel about you taking off, going to America to let
everybody know about
them and then flying back again?
I mean, is this a, this must be so bizarre for them.
Yeah.
Well, that's, what's crazy.
At first, every, all the nine, well, I've been to more than nine, but the last
time I
went, I went to nine different tribes and of pygmies, a little nine villages.
Each one of them had never seen a white dude before.
So that scares them.
I mean, there'd be times that it would take an hour, maybe even sometimes a
little over
an hour before someone in that, that tribe, most of the time it was always
women or children
that would finally come up to me and touch me to make sure they don't go
through me.
Like I was a spirit or a ghost of some sort.
And then once one person felt me and I'd play a game with them or something
like that,
then more would, I mean, literally come out from hiding behind trees, come out
from,
from the forest.
Whenever I come in, sometimes they would flee, run, cry, kids like flailing on
the ground,
like just freaked out by me.
But whenever I'd make friends with them, then they would ask me one thing,
every place that
I went in all nine tribes, they asked me, will I help them have a voice?
That was the thing.
They're like, we have no voice here.
They're the only tribe not allowed to have their citizenship in Congo.
And like, so they have zero voice.
Wow.
What a strange turn your life has taken that this is, you've gone from being on
the house
in the ultimate fighter, you know, competing in the heavyweight version of the
show to now
living in a grass hut in the Congo.
What a, that's a strange, or a leaf hut rather.
What a strange journey you're on, man.
Yeah, to be honest, I wouldn't change it.
For me, actually, booze was my savior because I was hanging out with a lot of
dudes who were
doing some serious, you know, bad, bad, bad drugs.
And my whole thing was, I don't want to be 60 years old and not, so I always
have this,
my idyllic sort of retirement, which I'm trying to get to sooner rather than
later now,
is just like this sort of forgotten, like little cove, you know, little cove.
Can I be your neighbor?
Yeah.
And I'm just.
I'll chip in for Wi-Fi and solar.
I'm sitting there at the school.
I'm going to send you this, I'm going to send you this, this article of this
dude.
How old are your kids?
Three and one and a half.
Dude, I got a four and a fucking two.
Let's have a party.
I'm going to tell you, I'm going to send you this.
How old are you, are your boys or girls?
Girls.
Okay, we got a big lesbian super slumber party going on.
I'm going to send you this article.
It's a fantastic article about a dude who was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer,
like the worst cancer you can ever, and he was a Greek dude.
He grew up in America, but like, you know, came here when he was three or some
shit.
So he goes back to Greece to this little island in the middle of nowhere,
and he has to walk up this hill every day.
He goes to talk to his buddies, drinking the wine, he's eating the food from
wherever.
And all of a sudden, like five years, he was given like, you know,
six months to live or whatever, not even six weeks to live.
And they said, you know, what the fuck happened?
You didn't die.
And he goes, you know, I came here and I forgot to die because, you know,
he's sitting there and there's no stress and he's walking up the hill every day
and he's drinking wine with his buddies and he's eating the food from the,
you know, the fish from the bay and the fucking whatever.
And I sit there and I say, you know, now I'm looking at this shit.
So my idyllic retirement is basically I'm stealing this guy who killed cancer
by living this euphoric life of I live on this little cove and I'm drinking my
wine
and I'm sitting out there and I'm just blissing out on reality.
Now, that's why I didn't get hooked to heroin.
That's why I didn't get hooked to fucking crack.
That's why I didn't get hooked to all the shit that my boys got hooked to
because I always thought to myself, if I fucking get hooked to this shit,
I'm going to have to A, die or B, fucking quit it.
And if I quit it, guess what, I'm never going to be able to sit on that fucking
cove
with my glass of fucking wine sitting out there and being this blissful old
Buddha dude, right?
So, I mean, and that's why I don't, that's why I don't judge anybody
because I'll tell you what, everyone's trying to get through the day
to get to their goddamn cove.
I'll tell you what, everyone's trying to get through the day.