Name: Bill Burr's trip to Indianapolis (from Joe Rogan Experience #343)
Uploaded: 2013-03-27T22:16:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's trip to Indianapolis (from Joe Rogan Experience #343)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's trip to Indianapolis (from Joe Rogan Experience #343)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-27. Transcript available.

I had an incident on the airplane going to Indianapolis where this guy just
started interrogating me.
He thought I was some sort of flight risk.
About what?
I don't know.
He was on something.
I don't know what happened.
I was sitting down.
So he's just a passenger.
Yeah.
I didn't know if he was a sky marshal, but he ordered a Dewar's in the
beginning, and he just slammed it.
Neat.
So I'm like, this guy's not a sky marshal.
This guy's boozing it up.
So he just goes to me.
He's like, we're just sitting there, and he just says, he goes, hey, are you
afraid to fly?
Oh, God.
And I'm like, what?
He goes, are you afraid to fly?
I go, no, I'm not afraid to fly.
And he goes, is you sure?
Because, you know, it's okay.
You can tell me if you are.
And immediately I'm looking at this guy.
What do you mean?
It's like, okay.
What is this like interrogation 101, build a relationship with your subject
thing that you're doing here?
And I was just like, no.
He goes, all right.
Because, you know, he's just kind of fidgeting and looking around.
I was like, no, man.
I go, I'm cool.
He's like, oh, you like to fly?
I'm like, when I'm up here?
Because, you know, I bump myself up.
I go, when I'm back there, I don't like it.
And then he goes, he's all right, you know.
But, you know, you can tell me if you're afraid to fly.
So now I'm just like, dude, I'm not afraid to fly.
So, and he's staring at me.
And I put my hand like this to show that it wasn't shaking.
I go, I'm not nervous.
All right?
Thanks for asking.
And then he goes, well, anybody can do that.
And I'm just like, oh, Jesus Christ.
And I just said, look, dude, I'm drinking water.
You're drinking Dewars.
Okay?
And he goes, that wasn't Dewars, right?
And I'm just like, all right, fuck this guy.
So, I'm sitting there.
You saw him order it.
Huh?
You saw him order a Dewars.
Oh, yeah, I was sitting there.
He said, let me get a Dewars.
And she brought it over neat.
And he threw it back like he was drinking baby milk.
Right?
I was impressed.
This guy's old school.
Starting off good, right?
So, then there's like five minutes of silence.
More passengers are getting on.
And then the guy goes, hey, you know, I'm sorry, man.
I just got off on the wrong foot there, right?
He goes, my name's so-and-so.
What's your name?
He asked me, like, what my name is.
And I was thinking of saying something like Steve, you know, or some silly.
Lenny Clark.
I wish I said some silly name, you know, but I didn't think of one.
I just went, it's Bill.
And he goes, oh, cool.
He goes, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?
He started doing this shit.
And I just look at the guy and I go, I'm like, yeah, I don't have to answer
your questions.
Whoa.
I don't.
He has no fucking authority.
You're not a Sky Marshal.
You're drinking booze.
You're an asshole.
What are you on?
Are you afraid to fly?
Go fuck yourself.
Leave me alone, right?
So then he goes, like, all right, now I am concerned, okay?
I am concerned, okay?
Why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill, right?
He says this, right?
And they close the doors and they're doing all this stuff.
And I just start, like, I joked on my podcast.
I just started smirking like Ryan Gosling.
You know, he does that little Mona Lisa smile.
You just kind of smile.
And I'm just sitting there shaking my head at the guy, right?
And I'm literally taking out my eye pillow.
I wear, like, a mask just to say I'm so not worried about anything that you're
going to fucking do.
All this passive-aggressive shit just to piss this guy off.
And he's going, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?
And I just kept, I didn't say anything to him.
I just kept laughing, just kept shaking my head.
And I was taxiing down.
And he goes, dude, he goes, I fucking do this for a fucking living.
He says, F, F, F, F, and all this stuff.
The lady in front turns around, starts looking, and we're taxiing down the
thing.
He goes, you don't answer my questions right now.
I'm going to hit that call button.
I will hit that call button.
I will stop this plane, and you will be fucking arrested, like, saying all this
stuff.
And I'm just looking at him, smiling, shaking my head, like, go ahead and push
it, dude.
Let's see where the fuck this goes.
This is going to be hilarious.
What happens?
Does a police car pull up to the plane?
No fucking clue.
So he goes to push it, and he can't find it.
It was kind of a weird place.
And he finally founds it, and he hit the button.
I'm like, holy fuck, he hit the button.
This is hilarious.
And I'm just sitting there.
He goes, now, you wait.
You fucking wait, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm just sitting there, smiling, shaking my head at him.
I'm like, dude, I don't care.
I don't care.
You're not, you have no fucking authority.
You're not going to hit me.
You're not going to do anything.
You're on fucking something.
Right.
But I'm not getting that.
Dude, if that guy had a vibe like he was going to punch me,
I would have been up in the aisles.
But he didn't.
He just had like that.
It was like a kid throwing a temper tantrum.
He wanted like this.
He almost seemed like he wanted to be an army ranger,
but he didn't quite make it.
What did he look like?
What did he look like?
He was like a wiry dude.
He was in good shape.
You know, wiry dude, white dude.
Like that dude who shot that Trayvon Martin kid,
who wasn't really a cop.
Yeah.
But he wanted to be a cop, so he took it to the next level.
And here's the thing.
I could have squashed the whole thing and just been like,
look, I'm a comedian.
I'm going to Indianapolis.
If you'd like to come out to the show,
I could have done that, but I'm a dick and I hate,
I hate fucking, I hate authority.
And this guy doesn't have any, so fuck him.
So I just laugh.
Now he pushes the button.
So then the stewardess comes over and she goes,
yeah, what's the problem?
He goes, this guy is a flight risk.
I am not comfortable flying with him,
but ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, and all this shit.
I was surprised how few people were looking around.
People were just kind of sitting there
and this guy was wigging out and I'm just sitting there.
And then the stewardess was like,
all right, did anybody else see any behavior?
And the lady was sitting in front of him,
pointed at him and said, yeah, he was berating.
And he pointed, and she pointed at me.
He was berating him.
And I'm just like, perfect.
So I'm literally putting my fucking eye mask down
as I'm talking to him, just going,
hey, I'm just a guy trying to go to Indianapolis.
This guy, he's drinking Dewars
and he's dropping the F-bomb.
Then I'm thinking, fuck, I said bomb.
You know, there wasn't a problem.
This guy's just doing this thing
where he wants to win.
He wants some sort of recognition
of whatever the fuck he thinks he is.
The plane's still moving.
No, at this point, it fucking stopped.
It pulled over.
I forgot that part.
It pulled over and stopped.
Dude, it's a fucking red eye, okay?
It stops.
Another stewardess comes over and he goes,
what's the problem?
And he goes through the whole fucking thing.
And it's like, basically the captain at this point
is going, do I really have to come back there?
It's like, really?
The red eye fucking flight?
My last flight of the day,
I used to fly combat missions.
You know how fucking boring this is
to fly this fucking bus?
I don't want to deal with this bullshit.
Do I really have to come back there?
And then they finally asked him,
they said, hey,
are you going to be comfortable
flying with this guy?
And he, I think they acknowledged
that he had some sort of something there.
So he goes, you know what?
No, it's okay.
It's going to be okay.
Whatever, right?
That he had some sort of something.
Like some sort of power
that they checked with him.
Like, you're going to stand down, sir?
Like whatever fucking spy he thought he was.
So now we get back in line
and we're taxing.
And as we're going down the runway,
I got my eye thing on
and I'm just sitting there
and he's yapping in my ear.
He goes, you think this is fucking over?
You think this is fucking over?
And at this point, I'm laughing.
I'm holding my stomach
and I'm fucking laughing
and it's driving him nuts
and I'm having a fucking ball with this guy.
And he goes, you know,
my dad's the CEO
of some fucking company in Indianapolis.
And he starts saying
that he's going to have me fucking arrested
when I land.
And he starts describing the view
I was going to see from the jail.
Like some Law and Order episode.
Oh, you're going to love it.
Did you get a picture of this guy?
Did he take a photo?
No.
Oh, how could you not?
You should have been filming video
this whole entire time.
Yeah, that would be amazing.
Can't you just be in the moment
and not turn into a film crew?
No, because then the story's even better.
The universe gave me this fucking moment.
I'm telling this story.
I don't, you know.
So, he fucking,
so then I got my things down
and then finally he's going,
yeah, oh, you're going to love
the view from the jail.
You're going to see Lucas Oilfield
and blah, blah, blah, blah
and all this shit.
And then he finally-
Lucas Oilfield.
Yeah, that's where the Colts play.
Telling me, like this view.
Dude, it was such hacky interrogation.
Then he finally said,
he goes, you know what?
I'm glad.
I'm glad.
You know what?
I fucking hope you do something.
I fucking hope you do something.
We're up there.
And I'm fucking bursting.
What?
I hope you do something.
And I'm sitting there
with a blindfold on laughing at him.
It was driving him fucking nuts.
It was great.
So then,
five minutes of silence,
ten minutes of silence goes by
and I'm finally thinking
that maybe this shit's over
or is he just sitting there
staring at the side of my head
and then all of a sudden
I just hear,
right as I'm starting to nod off,
I just hear,
why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?
And I just laugh.
So, dude,
my adrenaline was fucking going.
I was just like,
wow,
they're going to stop the plane.
This is fucking intense, man.
This is crazy.
What's going to happen?
And I'm totally innocent
so I got to kind of watch it happen.
So then I couldn't sleep.
So I was sitting there
with that stupid mask on
for like a half an hour
and then finally I was just like,
all right, fuck it.
I got to take it off
and I got to deal with this guy.
And I take it off
and I look over
and he's just,
he's just passed out,
head hanging,
this fucking, you know,
special ops guy.
You know what you should do?
I'm totally passed out.
You should fucking
waylay him
with a huge haymaker
right in the face
and then immediately
pretend you're asleep.
No.
No,
because someone would have
seen that.
But they're all asleep.
No, you know what I did?
Was I immediately
started pounding waters
because I didn't have
to go to the bathroom
and I wanted to get up
on the plane
just to see if he was
going to fucking
wig out again.
Make some sort of
So you made yourself
go to the bathroom
on purpose?
No, I started slamming waters.
Just so that you
would have water
in your bladder?
Yeah, so now
I have to go to
the fucking bathroom
like you can't believe
and this fucking guy
has passed out.
I held it for the last hour.
He didn't wake up
until we landed
and then we pulled up
to the terminal
and I got out
and I stood up
and he wouldn't look at me
and I'm thinking
he probably slept it off
and I was feeling
fucking weird,
hopefully.
And the lady in front of me
got up and she just goes
she smiled
and she said hey
and I just said hey
and I go that was
that was an interesting one
and then he had the pillow
like this, Joe.
He had it behind here
in some weird position
in some sort of like
alpha male way.
He tried to get
some sort of tough thing
the last word.
He took the pillow out
and he threw it down
between his legs
and he like grunted.
He went like
like he threw a pillow down.
That was it.
That was my trip
to Indianapolis.
Oh, and then
I worked at a theater
and Elmo was there