Name: Joe Rogan Experience #178 - Joey Diaz
Uploaded: 2013-03-28T04:44:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #178 - Joey Diaz' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #178 - Joey Diaz' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-28. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #178 - Joey Diaz

yo what
the joe rogan experience podcast is brought to you by the fleshlight
we're brought to you by several things we're brought to you for you guys this
is the most
important part we're brought together the whole thing it's all for you it's all
for you but we
got to pay bills bandwidth costs money what's that dramatic opening by the way
you had this
fucking too high to talk how to wait a few seconds how to wait for the moment
to achieve me no we do
we do the music after the commercials no it's easy to edit if somebody wants to
nobody wants to listen
these goddamn commercials I have to do I'm back Joe I've returned but what was
the last time you
used your flashlight actually I used it all weekend because my girl was at AVN
and it was really hard
because every hot girl was outside of Los Angeles and went to Vegas it seemed
like you know so you
so you had a hard time even masturbating pretending a hot girl was in town
right it's hard what a
fucking twisted world you live in where you think that all when all the porn
stars are out of town
well no more attractive girls no there's like an energy in the air you know and
it leaves it's like a ghost
town it feels really empty inside well your world is inexorably tied to the
porn world at this point yeah
that's why yeah it's weird yeah it's very strange you live a strange life my
friend yeah so you had to
like beat it all weekend yeah I did I went crazy I went apeshit nice it's a
solid product that flesh
light it's uh I'll tell you what just just for sheer impact of effectiveness
efficacy it's better than
anything we promote it's better than any of the vitamins it's better than
anything it's nice to have
mental clarity but to really be able to shoot fucking blasto loads like like
you can with the flesh
light have you seen that thing that that they made one of our uh rants on on a
past podcast where it's
an ipad uh holder that you can attach a fleshlight to the back of it made that
yeah and so now you can
sit there and they have this porn like like first person shooter type porn that
you sit there and
watch on your ipad while and holding it while it's connected to your fleshlight
wow it's just the
beginning yeah just the beginning it's once it goes virtual that's when things
are going to be
really strange when there's somehow or another like they can put a helmet on
you and then the
fleshlight moves up and down on your dick and probably like a bunch of fleshlights
all over your
body right you would all right Joey did you just call him Joey Joey Joey anyway
the flashlight should be
like a you should be able to take the alpha brains and fuck the fleshlight you
should
combined that's that's the secret right there yeah so you gotta get these
fucking chemists to put you
don't want to be too smart while you're fucking a fake pussy so what better off
like we have like
alpha dumb pills no it's like an alpha mushroom type pill or it's a psychedelic
trip as you're
fucking coming so let's say you fuck the purple one you think of purple things
i don't know i would
like to know what my iq is when i have a hard-on because i bet it's half yeah i
would like to know
what my iq is when i have a hard-on it's like fucking three yeah i'm thinking
nothing else it's amazing you
know women realize that you know when they realize that when they try to become
men like like chas
bono you know she's uh one of the things she's saying is like now she
understands like male
behavior no she doesn't she understands a little what does she understand well
she understands the
effect she's been a man for two fucking years two fucking years she's been a
man go get your two
year old and say you understand what it is to be a fucking man it's the same
difference she's all
fucking fat with that fucking beard she don't trick me you don't like that
beard no i just don't
believe you know listen people want to have parties for a little while she's
going into a deep water
here she made the conversion she went right deep into being a fucking man just
because you strap a
pair on and don't like i said today you can't fucking just strap a pair of
nuggets on and go
out there and sling dick nuggets i always fucking know that you're the real
deal you know who you
kidding you've been sucking dick for 20 years now you want to change fucking
governments you can't do
that shit you can change government yeah you're changing governments you know i'm
saying it's two
different fucking worlds a man a fucking woman you know what man but wouldn't
you hate to have been
born if you imagine you were a man but you were really a woman you really wish
you were a woman
like that would fucking be so frustrating get the fuck out of here get the fuck
out of here right
well what is it then what is it the people that do it is this you know we
should this is a fucking
solid conversation that we should actually have let's let's let's save this we're
gonna stop
and then right when we come back we're going to talk about all right we're
going to talk about
that fucking bonus we're going to talk about that right when we come back it's
a solid conversation
go to joe rogan's website and click on the uh the link for the flashlight click
on the link for
the flashlight enter in the code name rogan you get 15 off 15 it's a fucking
solid product tremendous
the uh the other products we're sponsored by is from on it.com o-n-n-i-t if you
don't like it make
your own you know yeah we've already got this done and i know what a fucking i
like i like i like that i've never
used a flashlight but what i like about right now i'm thinking about at least
you know where your
fucking tropical helmet juice is going right sometimes when you walk off you
open your eyes
you don't know what the fuck yeah look for me everywhere where'd it go on my
hand sometimes you
find it on your foot on the computer and the flashlight it goes right to the
bottom like hershey's
chocolate goes back you gotta stay that motherfucker up and you're back bitch
that's right exactly
exactly exactly what's the coupon code for the on it oh for on it
dog somewhere whoa who is that is that me for on it quick no who is it come
here oh is that in the
back oh what i don't know uh so anyways go to joe's website
um sounded like me you're watching videos of me talking to my dog no did you
see it sounded like
hey twixie or something like that whatever it is wow that's creepy
i don't know what it is just kidding what is it is it your computer no no
somebody's computer was
making all that noise my computer was not on uh all these are off what the fuck
happened well let's
start this motherfucker joe rogan alpha brain would help us solve this conundrum
of where the
the sound came from and what it was that had to be your dude no it wasn't
couldn't have been mine
there was nothing on mine when i went back there that's all right if you'd like
to look at videos
save it get it i am on alpha brain you cannot sneak by me with your childish
games they don't work
i see them i see the plan i see the matrix what experience what the fuck are
you doing how dare
you i think we got brian a little too high i don't think i don't think you can
do it okay it was
actually be bright we are um um not on alpha brain right now that's the problem
alpha brain is the
cognitive enhancing supplement offered by onnit.com um we also have shroom tech
sport
which is a cordyceps mushrooms uh supplement which is great for endurance
working out like
jujitsu you want to get your jujitsu on you want to do some crossfit or
something crazy like that
it's great if you're a sedentary individual no need there's another uh product
called shroom tech
immune just the immune boosting supplement all the information is available on
onnit.com o-n-n-i-t
and uh as we always say for real and this is not just lip service if you think
the stuff
costs too much please steal the ingredient list and not don't steal it just
copy it down
and and and duplicate it yourself buy the stuff in bulk and duplicate yourself
make it yourself
and i hope you do and i hope you enjoy it and if you are interested and you do
try but it doesn't
work for you you don't like it you don't believe in it you just doesn't you don't
find it effective
you get a hundred percent of your money back 100 you don't have to send in the
product you don't
have to you just tell us you're not happy and it's over we try to make it as
easy and as clean and as
ethical as possible i believe in nootropics i've been taking them for a long
time if you're interested
in them you should research them you should go online and google it and look up
the different
there's a bunch of different companies and have a bunch of different
proprietary blends of different
nootropics and uh there's all different nootropics have different effects on
different people it's a
fascinating fascinating stuff please google it check it out but if you want to
buy our stuff or you want
to even check that out at all o-n-n-i-t.com use the code name rogan you get 10
off joe diaz is here
bitches we're ready to break shit down this is the week of the chicago theater
we're coming chicago you
dirty bitches the podcast also brought to you by olive garden mention olive
garden get 10 off nothing red
did you talk about red band olive god did you talk about olive garden red band
no i didn't so i
oh my god you just killed his old old garden bit he broke it out in the middle
of a i had
to he was talking about hunting steve ranella and brian goes like olive garden
i was like oh no
you little motherfucker whenever i talked to brian i go how did the podcast go
today great did you
mention my olive garden you know what kind of sucks about that whole thing that
everyone now takes
pictures while they're at the olive garden and sends them to me so i get so
tired of looking at olive
garden like that is not like and honestly i don't give a about the olive garden
and now
people flood my twit stream with olive garden you love it like i love c2o
coconut water
they just sent me some more so thank you c2o people and i gotta thank grillo's
pickles too
remember we were talking about the uh pickle company in boston that had these
homemade pickles
they were selling them in the park and how awesome they are yeah they got a
hold of me and they sent me
some oh you're serious oh my god these pickles are ridiculous dude i love they
have these habanero
pickles where you know it's pickles with like slices of jalapeno and habanero
in it they're like really
spicy pickles god damn they're good they're like fresh and just crisp and woof
you slice and put them
in a cheeseburger to a fucking tremendous some serious pickles i know it seems
like i'm excited about
we're talking about chas bono that's speaking of pickles we're talking about chas
bono that's what
his you know what's crazy about chas bono she's gonna look like ralphie may
once she had the surgery
it's like i mean chas bono is the the that is the most amusing story to me of
last year and i don't
with it really i just don't with it it's just it just creeps me to out one way
or the
other i don't know why i feel really bad for her you know i uh i just feel like
if you if you're gonna go
through with that for i feel bad for one way or the other either i feel bad for
because she really
is a man trapped in a woman's body and that must be really frustrating or i
feel bad for that she's
you know she's in this state of disarray where you know that's the option and
you got to go through
surgery and and and it just seems to me like anybody that would need to do that
for any reason just to
actually change and try to become something else and become some different sex
you know that's that's a
i think that's a deep dissatisfaction with your current life and you know who's
to say that maybe
her solution isn't becoming a man well go play rugby first and then come back
you know what i'm saying
i would like to know she's happier i would like to know she's happier now i
mean that would be an
interesting oh i k