Name: Bert Kreischer's Flying Dildos Story (from Joe Rogan Experience #145)
Uploaded: 2013-03-30T00:47:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer's Flying Dildos Story (from Joe Rogan Experience #145)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer's Flying Dildos Story (from Joe Rogan Experience #145)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-30. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan Experience
But, um, can we get to the flying dildos first?
Because we might forget.
Yes, okay, flying dildos.
Here we go.
So, I called Joe.
This is what you said.
You go, we were just talking about this.
And you're like, yeah, you've got so many crazy stories that have happened to
you.
And, and, and, but I never think that.
I think there are just things in my life.
I think it's my ability.
The way I see something happen is different than the way everyone else sees it
happen.
You know, I see the, the little thing that, that registers in me.
I go, oh, that's my thing.
You know, and it lights up for me where my wife just glazes over it.
And it's come to light in this podcast more than anything.
The machine, I mean, the way, I've told that story to fucking a million people.
But then when I told it to you, something lit up.
And I went, oh, that is a good story, right?
The fucking fighting a bear.
The fucking, everything, I'm getting mauled by a bull.
Tracy Morgan, everything's lights up.
So then, I'm talking to you on the phone today.
I call you, you call you, hey, can you do the podcast?
I go, yeah, I can do the podcast.
And you go, I said, I'm on the phone with Dell, American Airlines, trying to
get upgraded.
You're like, where are you going?
I said, Amsterdam.
He said, oh, I've never been there.
I said, oh, whatever you do, if you ever go there, don't go see flying dildos.
True story, right?
So, I'm fucking like 22.
I'm in Amsterdam with like five friends.
And, of course, we do the rounds in Amsterdam and get fucking lit up.
Heineken factory, head shops, I think even maybe mushrooms.
We walk by this live sex show and it says on the billboard, guy on girl, girl
on girl, oral sex, this, this, this.
And then the last one is flying dildos.
Come see flying dildos.
And so, I'm like, fucking, I tell everyone, we're seeing flying dildos.
I want to see fucking flying dildos.
That, to me, is a showstopper.
That is something that I will buy tickets for everyone for.
So, I buy us all tickets.
We go in to see a live sex show.
Have you ever seen one?
No.
It's basically like half a boxing ring.
So, it's like you walk in and it's stadium seating and then half a boxing ring
where they just, without the ropes, and they just, everything happens right
there.
They just fuck.
They just fuck.
Whoa.
And are dudes beaten off in the audience?
Are you allowed to wear lipstick?
No, dudes aren't beaten off in the audience.
They aren't.
No, it is kind of creepy now that you say that because I don't know what we
were supposed to do, but there was like 20 people in there.
But we just sat in there, because I guess maybe you should have, but we didn't,
and we ruined it for everyone.
So, we sit down, and they're like, and they come out, and they're like, the
first is girl on girl.
This is just like you'd see at porn, right?
So, two girls come out, and they're like, they go to eat, and the second two
girls come out, I start going, flying dildos, flying dildos.
And they're like, no, we're not flying dildos.
I go, oh.
And all 20 guys are like, whoa, I want to see flying dildos, too.
So, they do their thing.
They leave.
A girl comes out by herself, masturbation.
And I go, flying dildos?
And she goes, no, I'm not flying dildos.
I fucking, everyone that came to the stage, I just yelled, flying dildos!
How many people came to the stage?
Fucking like nine acts.
Nine acts come to the stage.
How long is each one doing?
Five minutes, fucking masturbating, and then eating each other out, and then
blowing a dude, and then the guy fucks the girl.
That's like the headliner, right?
And we get to the guy fucking the girl, and I'm like, you better be fucking
flying dildos.
And the guy's like, we're not flying dildos, okay?
Stop with the fucking flying dildos.
And I'm like, boo, the whole time they're fucking.
You're booing while they're fucking?
Yeah, but now we got 20 dudes, and they're all on my team, because we're
fucking hammered.
And I'm like, boo, we want flying dildos, right?
So then, all of a sudden, after the dude being a fuck, a lady comes out with a
doctor's little briefcase.
You know that doctor's thing, bag?
Yeah.
And just walks up on stage.
I go, you better be fucking flying dildos.
She goes, ladies and gentlemen, I am flying dildos.
And the fucking place goes nuts.
20 dudes.
She's like fucking right out of the military.
Like, come on, flying dildos.
She goes, I'm going to need someone from the audience.
And everyone's like, fucking flying dildos.
So I'm like, fucking, I am definitely going up there.
Of course you did.
So I get up, I'm going to get up there, and everyone's chanting, flying dildos,
flying dildos.
I got my hands up, and she goes, okay, okay, hands behind back.
And I put my hands behind my back, and she handcuffs me.
And everyone's like, flying dildos.
Like, everyone's going fucking nuts.
She drops my pants, cuts my shirts with the scissors, throws me on the back,
puts a dildo in my mouth, and just fucks it.
And then stands up.
She goes, that was flying dildos.
And she leaves me with a dildo in my mouth, naked, going, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Everyone's taking pictures.
Like, fucking snap right up to the, for like, I had handcuffs on.
I couldn't fucking move.
And just snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap.
And I'm just like, help me.
Somebody help me.
Get the dildo out of my mouth.
It was a fucking nightmare.
Do you have a photo of this?
This was in 90, this was right after the Russian mob thing.
So this is, there was no digital cameras.
So it's real.
I can tell you, if you want to see a picture.
Somewhere out, someone out there has in a dusty shoebox.
PJ Cusmano.
Photo that they brought back.
Third caller, if you can send us that photo, you'll win two tickets to the Alphabet.
PJ Cusmano has that picture, I guarantee it.
Because I know, he's one of my buddies that was on it with us.
He had one of those disposable cameras.
And came right up there, like, right up to the stage and just snap, snap, snap,
snap.
PJ, if you're out there, find me on Twitter, homie.
What if it was PJ Stansberry the whole time?
We'll make it worth your while.
PJ from the comedy store?
Hey, yo, yo.
Yeah.
That's a terrible...
That's the best PJ face I've ever seen in my life.
What did you give him before the show started?
I have no idea.
I have no idea.
He's extra silly today.
You ready to record?
It's recording.
Oh, it is already?
What the fuck, son?