Name: Joe Rogan Experience #188 - Amy Schumer
Uploaded: 2013-04-09T21:37:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #188 - Amy Schumer' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #188 - Amy Schumer' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-09. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #188 - Amy Schumer

Sorry, sorry, sorry.
It's a lot of people I have to communicate with.
We already started, Joe.
Here we go, you dirty bitch.
No, how dare you?
Did you really?
We said go.
Hold on.
Here we go.
Here we go.
This is how slow I type.
You dirty bitches.
And you know why I type so bad?
It's because I don't want to admit that I need glasses.
Yeah.
Fucking, I need reading glasses.
I have old man eyes.
No.
HTTP.
And people say, Joe, do you write all those crazy lines before the action?
Yeah, I do that all myself.
I'm like a coder, bro.
Wow.
This is like sneakers.
Oh my God, sneakers reference.
That's great.
Whoa, how did you bust that out?
I know you guys.
Look, I have a lot going for me.
You do have a lot going for you.
We're going to get to that.
Reference wise.
Do you have any flashlights at your house, Amy?
Dude, this is a commercial.
He's easing into it.
I have zero flashlights.
Are you guys promoting flashlights or flashlights?
Flashlights.
Oh, that's nice.
Well, it's one of our sponsors.
I have no use for that.
Yeah, it's not for you.
Yeah, that's a totally different groove.
If I'm ever craving a pocket pussy, like I've got one.
Well, the tuck and pull method of the flashlight where you take the actual
flashlight out of
it and it's like this big fleshy thing and you tuck it inside of you and then
you pull
it out slowly and it feels really good.
It's kind of like anal beads for your vagina.
It's the second use of the flashlight.
But you want to make sure you don't tuck the whole thing in there because it
could probably
get stuck.
Tell me less.
Fascinating.
Tell me less.
Amy Schumer being silly goose.
Come on.
We have two commercials.
This is what we do.
One of them is for the flashlight that really is a sponsor for our podcast.
Do you have one here?
I'd like to look at it.
No.
I'm sorry.
I would have brought you one if I thought you were curious.
I thought there was a gift bag situation.
I should start hooking that up, right, Brian?
I had a boyfriend ask me if I'd be into him getting that and I was like, I don't
see how
that would benefit me at all.
Oh, why?
Maybe so you could watch him fuck something else if you were crazy?
Yeah, I was like, I'm cool.
You could just fuck me.
Maybe he could just fuck that thing and you spit on him.
Maybe that's what he's looking for.
Maybe that's what he wanted, yeah.
I was like, do you need me to make more time for us or what's happening?
Smack him in the face while he's doing it.
Yeah.
That's the thrill.
He wasn't like that kind of a dude, but I wouldn't have minded that.
You never know.
I tried to find out.
Anyway, if you go to Joe Rogan.net and click on the link for the fleshlight,
enter in the
code name Rogan, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men and our
sponsor forever
from the beginning of the podcast when we were scrubs, when we like, this is
like we've come
so far, but we have a room.
We have an actual space now with cameras, but from the beginning of the podcast,
these guys
were with us when nobody was watching, listening, whatever.
They remain our sponsor.
They're cool.
And it's a good product.
Yeah?
Even though it sounds embarrassing.
Do you love it?
It's a good product.
I don't love it.
Marry it.
I like it.
You like it?
I like it.
I'm not going to complain about it.
It's a good inanimate object, but I don't feel in love for it.
That would be creepy.
That would be like a Twilight Zone.
I feel like it's possible.
Those real dolls.
Yeah.
Have you seen those where they have communities of real dolls?
Absolutely.
And dudes like get their real dolls together.
Hey, man, my girl likes your girl.
I didn't know that happened, but.
I made fun of it on my website once in a blog, and then some guy emailed me his
reality as
to why he has this.
Oh, no.
It's like really sad.
Oh, yeah.
It's either really sad or the best troll ever.
It was horrific.
Well, he could have been a troll.
Oh, no.
He could have been a troll, but it didn't seem like it was.
He was one of the guys that was in the community that I was making fun of
because they had
all their dolls, and they're dressing them and shit.
Yeah.
And I'm like, hey, what the fuck are you doing?
Right.
He's like, you guys are crazy.
So what was his defense?
Well, then a lot of these guys are either disfigured or something really wrong
with them.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
That is so sad.
It is very sad.
It's a fucking, what a shitty roll of the dice.
I think I can get down with fucking a disfigured guy.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Like, something, like one little thing fucked up.
I think I could get into that.
But what if he had a lot of things fucked up?
Oh, if he's like, he can't be like all masked out.
Like, he's got a, it just has to be like one charming, like, baby arm.
Like a weird wart or something?
Some weird eyelid wart?
Like, I don't think it can be something extra.
I think it has to be something missing.
So if, like, a limb is gone, that way, like, everyone thinks I'm so nice.
And I'll be kind of, like, grossed out while we're fucking.
Oh.
But, like, get into it, I think.
Hmm.
Would the grossed out part, would that benefit you in some way?
Yeah.
I like, that's, I like watching porn like that.
Like, where I'm like, would this make me puke?
Like, would I throw up on this dude?
So, I could, now, this is how I'm finding my target demo.
I just, like, if you're disfigured, you want a chance.
If you're disfigured or you want to make me puke.
Yeah.
Come on down to the funny bone and blah, blah, blah.
Amy, shoot me.
You crazy.
You so cry.
We're still doing commercials, believe it or not.
Oh, sorry.
It doesn't seem like it, right?
Yeah, the cameras are not even on you.
But that's the beautiful thing of the flow.
That's the beautiful thing of the flow of this show.
Yeah.
We're also sponsored by Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of AlphaBrain, the
cognitive enhancement
supplement that I show you right here.
Look at that.
Vitamins for your dome, Amy Schumer.
I saw you take it.
Smart pills.
You're really doing it.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I take them for real.
Yeah.
It gives you, like, it's not, like, as prominent as, like, say, Adderall or
something like that.
But what it does is it enhances the way your brain functions.
Anybody who's interested in it, Google the word nootropics.
That's the best way to get information on it.
And try a bunch of different stuff out before you ever even think about buying
AlphaBrain.
Research nootropics.
Get involved in looking at what it is.
There's a bunch of studies about it.
You know, a lot of them were done on people with Alzheimer's, you know, people
whose brains
weren't functioning so well anymore, and it helped them.
Various companies have nootropic formulas, don't necessarily go out and buy
AlphaBrain.
But I'm telling you that we use it, and it's awesome.
I like it.
And if you don't like it, you order it, and it doesn't work for you.
You don't even have to return it.
You get 100% money back guaranteeing.
We try to make it as easy as possible for your first order.
Can't have more than that because some people stole it or something.
Dragons came.
Brian, what was the story again?
How'd it go?
The dragons came.
It was a troll who came over the mountain with a battle axe and came into town
and took
all the AlphaBrain and then put it on eBay or something?
No, no.
Joe, you took my AlphaBrain the other day and sold it on eBay, I noticed.
I didn't sell it on eBay.
His new thing is that he just gives it to me and he launders it and then sells
it on eBay.
It's been him the whole time.
Yeah, man.
That's my new theory.
I make like three bucks every time.
It's an awesome deal.
Anyway, we also have a bunch of different cool supplements that are available.
All of them that I find to be effective.
If I didn't think they're effective, I wouldn't promote them 100%.
That's the truth.
Get into it.
Check it out.
If you want to try AlphaBrain, go to JoeRogan.net.
Click on the AlphaBrain link.
Enter in the code name Rogan and you get 10% off.
All orders, not just the first one.
As many orders in the future.
All right, bitches.
Amy Schuber's here.
Start the music.
Now the podcast officially begins.
Train by day.
Joe Rogan podcast by night.
All day.
That's a very mild version of the song there.
Yeah.
It's like you weren't trying to hurt Amy Schumer's ears.
Oh, thank you.
That was the lady-friendly version?
I think that was.
I think that's exactly what he was doing.
Is that what you're doing?
Yeah, exactly.
Because you find her cute.
I didn't want to startle her.
You love her.
You love her already.
Look at you.
You're already adjusting your behavior.
Say it.
That's respect.
That's some serious respect.
Whoa, I'm excited.
Because usually it blows your fucking eardrums out.
Yeah.
And it's all silly.
It's kind of like tea party music.
And then he gets silly with the fade out.
You know, because he fades out.
And then wah, wah, wah, wah.
And he'll go on for like minutes.
But not with you.
Thank you, Brian.
With you, he's trying to be like really unobtrusive and really sweet.
Look, I'm putting collages of pictures together.
You're making him the best.
You're making him the best Brian he can be.
He's doing his job.
You're shocked.
For real, if it wasn't for you here, I think you're making Brian the best Brian
he can possibly be.
Is this a better version of you, Brian, for real?
No, I think he's-
What if I bring out the best in you?
Don't run away from this.
He's trying to troll me right now.
Yo, I'm not trying to troll you.
Women do do that.
That's one of the things that-
He's playing a practical joke on me right now.
You know how guys, this is going to sound totally ridiculous, but you know how
guys will
sometimes get divorced and the woman will get half a guy's shit and then people
will say,
oh man, that's fucked up.
You know, that she never told a joke or she never, you know, made one point.
You know, how the fuck did she get half his money?
But the combination of people sometimes, sometimes like a woman will come into
your life and she's
such a bad-ass bitch and you want to impress her so much, you will be a better
person.
Well, I think the flip side of that is, I think what chicks do, not me, no.
I think when you start dating somebody, like I'll just, like I'm the, I'm like
super cool
new girl.
Oh yeah.
I'm like, let me just sweep the crazy under the rug for a couple months.
I'm like, you don't need to see this.
Of course.
You don't need to meet my mom who I'm becoming.
And then, uh, you know, the truth comes out eventually.
But I think you're like the best version of yourself at first and then you can't
help it.
That's what I always tell guys.
You should be the you who you're pretending to be when you're trying to get
laid.
If you do that-
Stay that way.
Yeah, stay that guy.
Be that guy.
Yes.
It is possible to be that guy.
It's fucking hard.
Yeah, you can like decide and work on it, right?
Be the you that you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid.
I think it takes a lot of vitamin D or something.
Yes.
It definitely takes vitamin D.
That's why I'm so low on D.
You got to do squats.
Yeah.
You got to do deadlifts.
A ton of squats.
Deadlifts.
Squats doesn't give you D.
Kettlebells, son.
Big fucking heavy ones.
50 pounders, 70 pounders.
You got to really work the spine and the core.
All that is part of it.
You got to keep your core engaged for sure.
Yeah, my inner core.
For sure.
So I think that Amy Schumer is like your muse.
This is what I'm saying.
Oh my God.
You know that she's hilarious.
You know that she's talented as fuck.
So when you're around her, you've got like this crazy respect because you're
also physically
attracted to her.
Like there's a lot going on here.
This is the best.
I am now.
Don't you feel this?
Don't you feel this, Amy?
There's a lot going on here.
I am loving this.
Brian, this is not bad, bro.
It's good.
Brian's totally shaking his head.
Brian, are you in denial?
All I'm saying is she makes you a better person.
I know.
What is this shirt?
This cougar hunter.
The evidence is right there.
