Name: Joe Rogan Experience #228 - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2013-05-06T18:23:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #228 - Bill Burr' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #228 - Bill Burr' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-06. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #228 - Bill Burr

all right here we go joe rogan experience podcast is brought to you by the
fleshlight
but we wish we were brought to you by wd-40 because brian i think our shit is
constantly
squeaking so we would be like you hear all that it's really the springs the
springs of the problem
but i wonder if like just a little splash of wd-40 wouldn't save the day joe
maybe it would
maybe it wouldn't maybe it would just smell like a garage in here then you know
i think you guys
need a free case of that a free case check it out and then maybe a little bit
of sponsorship i think
the the reality of the uncensored nature of this podcast makes it very
problematic for anybody to
want to be professionally associated with i don't know if i go to my dad's
garage he has a fucking
pamelae anderson poster on the wall and he has all these wd-40 products they
have like these wd-40
pens now where it's just like if you just want to dab something with the fleshlight
yeah wd-40 is a
lubricant oh yeah you imagine dude you imagine what kind of damage you'd do to
your dick if you
fuck the flashlight that's what jay leto does jay leto does that shit all day
that's what jay leto does oh that's hilarious what do you think that black spot
in his hair is it's
from juicing all over his fucking head wd-40 squirting out the tip of the
fucking jay leto's got
black loads oil like loads it's been around cars too long could you imagine if
you love cars so much
that you really try to jerk off to gasoline you really try to pour gas in your
hand and beat off
with it i mean it is like a lubricant right it is liquid oh great smell could
you jerk no that would
have to be unbelievably painful right you realize you're pitching some sort of
extreme reality show
like what can you jerk off with yeah and it's a combination yeah of some perverted
show and like
name that tune like i can jerk off with gasoline joe rogan jerk off with that
gasoline no i can i can
just get a fucking bandana on because the fumes i can come in three strokes
yeah how many jesus that didn't take long how many minutes how many minutes
three minutes into this
what if you had a race to come ready go there's a fucking camera on you you're
alone in a fucking
white room and uh you you don't get to watch anybody else beat off so you have
to imagine and
it's for a million dollars the guys who the people who get off on that are
people who always fantasized
about being in a room with just a camera yeah if you were shows always turned
me on i don't know
what it was if you were a freak reality star gay dude that would probably be a
good gig for you
you could probably like win that contest the quickest outright yeah because you
know you would really
be worried about guys watching you beat off or like athletes who don't freeze
up in like game sevens
can take the big shot they don't care that with all that attention i was
watching some documentary
on prison and there was one dude who claimed that he had an affair with uh
there was a female prison
guard and he wound up uh fucking this female prison guard and some some shit
went on she got in trouble
for it wow the guy apparently he could make his dick hard and ejaculate all
without touching himself
that's how much free time that dude had that dude was in jail for so long he
figured out about game
though yeah to be in the prison cell you know she's fucking with her career her
ability to pay a mortgage
and he still got it he probably did that trick she got all fascinated i think
he showed her that i think
he showed her that i bet she just couldn't take it i mean that was like the
ultimate pimp move you're
in a cage locked up in a cage and you can make yourself nut all over yourself
and it's so hot that
the guard the one person who's she's free she just works there she just works
around you and you're
stuck in a box what did he do for a crime too i don't know i wish i had all the
details of the
story or than not it was actually true you know i mean she could have just made
that shit up
that's a pretty extraordinary thing is there a guy who can do that i've seen
guys blow themselves
i didn't know if it was entirely i was with the guy who uh we went to we went
to a titty bar
and uh i don't think he got a lap dance he was just looking at this girl he got
so turned on
he blew it in his pants and i laughed he didn't tell me until like weeks later
and it was one of the
hardest i ever laughed because he was laughing he had a great sense of humor
about himself
so dude it was just one of those fucking you're just crying laughing like there
was the first wave
of what dude this is the fucking way and he was like dude i i don't know how i
was just sitting
there he's like a pothead i was just sitting i don't know i don't know he just
came in his pants
anyway this is the longest fleshlight commercial that's like that's like some
shit maybe you do it
when you're like i don't know 11 o'clock is that what that is that's the
commercial reminder
oh well yeah that's ridiculous yeah the ability i think we got bill burr
contact high what do you
think i think bill burr you might be contact high right now son you might have
got hot box in this
small room yeah it could have happened go to joe rogan.net click on the link
for the fleshlight
enter the code name rogan and you will save yourself 15 off number one sex toy
for men we are also
brought to you by on it on it makers of alpha brain shroom tech sport shroom
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these different nootropics are all things that i've been into before i ever had
anything to do with on
it if you use the code name rogan you'll save yourself ten percent off okay
music bill bears here
and like i said i think i think you got a contact joe rogan experience train by
day joe rogan podcast by night all day
is that a new thing you're doing there dj i'm just right stone dj rd powerful
bill bear good to see you
buddy what's going on good to see you too sir it's fucking awesome to have you
come down here again
always always a good time and you were telling a fucking hilarious story about
eating a pot brownie
and about how fucked up it got you yeah i did that now it's brutal i guess this
is a story that you
had told on our first podcast but i forgot it but it's fucking hilarious it's
true kids don't don't
just don't just eat pot that shit is way stronger than smoking pot four to five
times more psychoactive
yeah nobody told me that the person i was with didn't know and uh yeah so i had
two and a half i have a
sweet tooth you know oh no i had one she had half of one right she had half of
one then i ate her other
half i don't remember and then there was another half left and i threw that you
because she was
getting high and i wasn't feeling anything and then we got in a car and went to
newark airport
to go uh fly to costa rica and by the time i got there dude it was it was it
was insane i was like
borderline like hallucinating dude the the eating of it is like if you go back
to like early literature
on hash eating like what would the kind of things that people were describing
when they were eating
hash at least incredible psychedelic experiences people don't realize that's
not just like getting
hot you're not just like smoking a little reefer and kicking back and hey this
movie's kind of funny
his fucking pizza tastes so good now no you ate two pot brownies where you
probably should have ate a
quarter of one of them because they're fucking notoriously strong nobody ever
when was the last
time you ever heard of anybody getting like really shitty brownies seven days
ago seven days ago you
heard someone getting shitty brownie me i got shitty brownie i think they were
mushroom brownies
oh you just got them from a dude some guy just gave it to me at a fucking show
and then i felt like i was
tripping crazy you're eating things people just giving you at shows yeah that's
like jim morrison
shit walking down the street eating whatever anybody gives you yeah the dispensary
i i go to a dispensary
that i trust and they're you get used to whatever their their sort of labeling
is you know but when you
gotta ask them like what like what do you do it really is the new frontier yeah
you know like like
governmental sticker that's on there like this is you know four point five
percent well then alcohol
it gets silly because they have like x's like when especially baked goods see
with marijuana if it's
just the marijuana that you smoke it's pretty obvious you know it's all even if
it's really
strong marijuana it's still you know what you're smoking you know what the size
of it is you know how
much thc is going to get in there from a bowl or a joint when you eat something
they have these weird
labels on them like 5x and 3x but x is there's no real x it's not like x equals
10 milligrams it's
just they're just making it up so it doesn't mean anything yeah no just
smelling when you guys smoked
it took me back to that i could tell i could tell yeah i'm all set it'd be like
if you ever puked on
a drink you know what i mean like a long time ago i one of the worst i ever puked
was uh drinking rum
and cokes and for like 25 years i never i never had another rum and not 25 what
am i talking about
that old like 20 years you just smelled it and it would just make it just just
immediately associated
with puking uh outside you know underage drinking and that type of shit so when
i smelled that stuff
i was just like i had one of those with jack daniels for a long time oh it's
fucking that the first time
i got drunk i got drunk with some friends in high school and oh my god i didn't
had no idea what i
was doing i mean there's just no idea how to drink at all jack daniels yeah jesus
yeah at a party with
a bunch of my friends that were all they were all like serious stoners but i i
wouldn't smoke pot
because i was doing martial arts and i thought that pot was a drug and pot
would fuck you up but i would
drink every now and then with them and the first time i ever did it was oh my
god it was so crazy
disgustingly blasted i'm track daniels i was old milwaukee just in comparison
a couple of my dad had strows right a couple of strows and i drank like a third
and i'm like am i
drunk yeah you know there's no way i would do jack i threw up in a car i threw
up in a taxi car uh
taxi cab i threw up in the back seat of the cab oh it's fucking horrible i
could barely remember
it when i talk about something that happened when i was like 14 or whatever the
hell i was
it doesn't seem like i'm telling the truth you know what i mean it's it seems
like i kind of have a
memory of that but boy is it fucking fuzzy you know if i had to describe to you
like moments in high
school why because it was so long ago so long time ago man i'm 44 now when i
look back when i was 14 i
don't really remember what the fuck happened back then i remember a few things
i could tell you where
we lived tell you what street we lived on but if i like try to get specific
with i went back to where
i grew up the other day and um it was uh it was really fascinating man went
back to the to the house
and the where i where when i went to high school that that era of my life and
everything looked
different th