Name: Bert Kreischer is The Machine (from Joe Rogan Experience #95)
Uploaded: 2013-05-10T18:47:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer is The Machine (from Joe Rogan Experience #95)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer is The Machine (from Joe Rogan Experience #95)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-10. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan experience.
So listen, man, last time you were here, there's a fucking story about the
Russian mob.
We teased these bitches.
These people right now on Twitter, they have been going crazy all day.
Do not let Bert Kreischer get out of there without the Russian mob story, man.
Tell us what the fuck happened.
All right.
This is in 1993, probably, I think is when I went to Russia.
I was taking Russian classes at Florida State.
I thought they were Spanish classes.
What?
I thought they were Spanish classes because it was a noon class and I signed up.
And then I was like, fucking sweet, Spanish at noon?
I could phone that in.
And then I get there and they start writing a new language, a new alphabet.
And I'm like, all right, this clearly isn't Spanish.
So then I said, I'm going to leave.
And the teacher's like, listen, don't leave because if you leave, we can't have
a class
and I can't get my master's degree.
But if you stick around, I'll talk to you after the class.
I get done at the end of the class.
She's like, listen, don't, you know, if you don't leave and I won't, and just
show up
at class, I'll give you a C.
I was like, done, done.
So I took Russian.
I took Russian one, two, and three because these kids needed another guy in
their class
to take these classes.
So then finally I take Russian four and we go to Russia.
We go to Russia.
But this is Russia, like when the mob ran Russia, like, are you, are you guys
aware
of that?
No.
Okay.
In like the nine, late nineties, mid nineties, the mob ran everything that had
to do with Russia.
So when going over to Russia, you had to, you had to literally pay off the mob
in order
to go and study abroad.
So we paid off the mob and they gave us in return two banditos, two young mobsters
who
would go everywhere with us.
They lived in our hotel.
They stayed with us.
They went on tours with us.
They went, they would did everything with us.
Their names were Igor and Sasha.
And when we got there, our teacher was like, listen, this is Igor and Sasha.
They will be ghosting us with my teacher who was there with me.
He was like, they're in the fucking mob.
Igor and Sasha.
Igor and Sasha.
It's like a gay guy named Bruce.
And they were like, and they were like, oh, it gets worse.
So they were like, listen, whatever you do to our class, do not talk to them.
Do not interact with them.
Oh my God.
Do not engage them.
They are only here to shadow us.
So in my head, I'm like, fucking get to know these guys, right?
Like get a bottle of vodka, six pack of Baltica, knock on their door.
No, mind you.
I speak no Russian at the time.
No Russian.
Cause I'd never studied in any of the classes.
So first night there, I knock on Igor and Sasha's room and they're having a
party in there.
Like fucking all their friends are in their room.
They lived right next to me.
And Kendra, my teacher, lived across the hall from Igor.
So I knock on their door.
Igor opens the door and he looks like a fucking thug.
He's got, he's got like a wife beater on, a cigarette, a beer.
And he just looks at me in Russian and just goes, shito.
And now as the second he says that, I start panicking.
All the phrases I had in my head that I was trying to say all disappear.
And all I say to Igor in Russian is, I am the machine.
What is it?
How do you say that?
And so, but I just said, and he went, and now I don't know what I've said.
I'm like, what did I just say?
I'll fuck you up.
Like, and I go, I go, I am the machine.
And he goes, say it again.
I said, I'm the machine.
And then he starts laughing and he brings me into the room.
He's like, hold on, say it again.
And so I say it to the room.
I don't know what the fuck I'm saying.
I'm like, I'm the machine.
And they're like, you're the machine.
I'm like, I'm the machine.
I said that all fucking night with these guys.
That's the only communication we had is I said, I'm the machine.
And Igor and Sasha and I became best friends, right?
We did everything together.
If we went on a field trip, they would tell me, machine, you don't need to go
on the field trips.
Come drink with us.
So now, cut to one day, we have to take a train to Moscow.
Now, a different mob ran the train to Moscow and a different mob ran Moscow.
And Igor and Sasha were not allowed to cross boundaries.
And they told me, they said, listen, we're not going to go with you, but we've
taken care of you.
We've talked to the mobsters on the train and in Moscow because we had to pay
them too.
So they weren't allowed to come with you?
They weren't allowed to come with us.
Because it's a different mob.
And we're paying a different mob now to protect us on the train.
Wow.
We're paying a different mob to protect us in Moscow.
Holy shit.
So they said, we've taken care of it.
Don't worry about it.
So they take me to the train.
And they introduced me to our two new gangsters, Igor and Igor.
What?
I swear to you.
Three Igors out of four dudes.
There's not a lot of names in Russia.
It's Alex, Igor, or Sasha.
What about Fyodor?
So Igor and Igor, my Igor says to these Igors, this is the machine.
If you give them alcohol, you'll have a great time.
So Igor and Igor are like through the roof.
They're like, awesome.
Don't worry.
We've taken care of you.
We're sitting in first class.
You're not sitting with your class.
You're sitting in first class to Moscow.
And I'm like, holy shit, this is what I'm talking about.
And I bring another guy, John Bolshoi, Big John.
I bring him with me to go sit in first class.
And sure enough, man, we're in fucking first class.
Just me, these two Igors, John, the conductor, I shit you not,
the conductor, before the train takes off, comes into the room, I swear to you,
rips off the band on this thing, says, this is a present for the machine.
It would be an honor to do a shot with you.
And I'm like, oh, this is fucking right.
So I do a shot with the conductor, and we pound this vodka within, like,
fucking 30, 45 minutes, we're done, all the vodka in the room.
Whoa.
We're drinking hard.
And my class is all in coach, and I'm sitting in first class.
And Igor and Igor are like, let's go get more vodka.
And I'm like, done.
These guys run the fucking train.
So we get up, we walk into the bar cart, and Big Igor says,
Machine, grab some bread, Clev.
And I'm like, that's bread.
I'm understanding Russian.
He's like, grab some Sia, that's cheese.
I'm like, I'm learning Russian.
I'm looking at John, who's standing behind me.
He's like, yeah.
He's like, grab vodka.
I go, I know that one.
And then he's like, grab all the money.
Grab all the rubles.
And I go, what?
I look around, and we're robbing the bar cart.
What?
The bartender's standing like this.
Everyone's standing against the wall.
And I'm sitting behind the bar with a handful of rubles, a bottle of vodka,
and a thing of bread going, holy fuck.
John looks at me, and he's like, just take it.
Let's go.
Take all the fucking cash out of the bar cart.
And what is the bartender doing?
Not making eye contact.
And they're packed out.
Everyone just lets it happen.
It's the mob.
They ran everything in Russia.
Everything.
Wow.
And so we get done, and we go back to our room, and it's a totally different
energy.
Like, very, like, very sketchy, you know?
Are you freaked out now?
I'm freaked out because I'm like, fuck, I just robbed the car.
Like, no one else saw anyone rob the bar cart except for me.
And my teacher, Val, who at the time was our chaperone, didn't speak any
Russian.
She comes to our first class cart, opens the door, and says, I need to talk to
you right now.
And I was like, listen.
And she goes, I told you that you're in big trouble.
You, I, my classmate, your classmates have told me what happened.
Big Igor takes a sip of vodka, spits it in her eyes, and goes, no one talks to
the machine like that.
I'm like, whoa.
He spit vodka in her eyes?
And fucking, it is.
And then shuts the door, and then looks at me, and he says, don't worry.
I got you.
When it gets dark, we're going to have a lot of fun.
And he pulls out a thing of keys.
He's got keys to the whole fucking train.
He's like, we're going to rob everyone when it gets dark.
Now I'm like, fuck, what did I get myself into?
Oh, my God.
Like, this is bad news.
Bad fucking news.
So, it gets dark, and sure enough, then we start robbing the train.
Go through my class first, and we'd fucking open the door.
Little Igor would crawl in, pull the bags out.
John and I would go through them and try not to steal, like, anything important.
And Big Igor would stand guard, and if anyone woke up, he'd take a sip of vodka
and spit it in their face.
What?
And it was, I mean, it's sketchy.
Now it's sketchy.
It's not even fun.
Are these guys armed?
Fucking, no, no, no.
They're loaded, though.
They're hammered, piss drunk.
We robbed my whole class, and then we end up, they end up taking off and going
into the car.
And me and John are sitting in the first class car just thinking, we're fucked,
man.
We're fucked.
We robbed the train.
We robbed the bar cart.
And they come back, and they're just fucking angry drunk, like, piss angry
drunk.
We pull into Moscow, and my teacher, Val, comes to the door, opens it, and said,
I'm just letting you know we've called the police.
So I was like, fuck.
So Igor and Igor are like, fuck it.
Don't worry.
Fuck the police.
Fuck the police.
This is Russia.
Who the fuck does she think she is?
This isn't America.
This is Russia.
We run everything.
I'm like, ugh, I'm going to fucking go to the gulag.
Sure enough, man, the cops are sitting on the middle, like, the middle, you
know, where people get off the train, that little receiving area.
My class is sitting there.
My whole class are in the pajamas.
They're crying.
Their bags have been gone through.
They're fucking giving statements to the cops, and the cops are writing them
down.
And I'm sitting with Igor and Igor and John in the fucking cart, and they're
just still drinking and smoking.
And they're like, fuck this.
Fuck this.
We'll take it there to this right now.
They walk outside, out to the cops, and start yelling at the cops.
And I'm like, motherfucker, this is not how I would have taken care of this.
Just, I don't even know what they're saying, but they're just shouting, and the
cops are shouting back.
And then finally, Big Igor just starts pointing at me.
And I'm like, oh, he's pinning this whole fucking thing on me?
Like, I'm going down for the whole thing?
And then the cop starts pointing at me and telling me, or whatever he's saying,
come here, right now.
So I fucking walk out, and it's that moment where you find the hash on your
body.
You know, they find it, and you're going to jail forever.
That's that moment, that walk, where your asshole gets cold, and you're like,
this is it.
Midnight Express.
Fucking, that's the moment.
And I walk all the way across this little fucking trail to get to him.
I get right up to the cop, and the cop looks at me, and he goes, I understand
you're the machine.
And I was like, yeah.
And he goes, tonight you party with us.
I was like, what?
All right, so then we went out and partied with these cops.
So the cops did nothing.
Fucking nothing.
They were so excited to meet the machine.
What?
They were like, this fucking, it was a nickname.
Is there no one funny in Russia?
Is that what it is?
No, there was no humor.
There was no...
I got a drink with you.
Is that what it is?
Is there's no one funny, and then you come along, and you're hilarious, so they're
like,
we're partying with you.
Yeah, and I was just loud.
Like, there's not a lot of loud people.
Would you be willing to move to Russia to be their bitch and to like...
No.
Dude, those guys scared me.
One night, the guy...
How many nights did you party with these guys?
Oh, I partied with Igor, and you were on the train only, and then I partied
with the
cops in Moscow with John, and then for one night, and then we hid from them,
because they
wanted...
The cops wanted...
No, the cops were scary.
More scary than the gangsters, because they could not get in trouble.
Like, they were like, drive my cop car, and you're like, what the fuck?
Drive my cop car.
Just fucking...
Do they drive on the left side or the right side?
Same side as us?
I don't remember.
I was there for three months.
You'd think I'd know.
I have no idea.
I was drunk a lot.
I think they drive on the same side as us.
But they...
I mean, like, the whole experience in Russia was just...
I mean, it was just...
I remember one time, Igor and Sasha had said they were going to get a boat for
us for
Russian May Day or Labor Day, and they were like, yeah, we got to...
They're going to have a big boat for our whole class.
We're all going out in a boat.
So I get up early for the day.
We're going out in the boat, and I go over to Igor's room, and Igor's eating
dried fish,
drinking beers.
And I was like, what's the matter?
And he's like, I'm fucked.
I go, what?
And he goes, we got no boat.
I go, what do you mean?
He goes, I've done everything to try to get a boat.
I can't get a fucking boat.
And we've promised the class a boat for the tour.
It's supposed to have a boat.
And so we're like, oh, fuck.
And he goes...
And then all of a sudden, the phone rings, and he goes, we got a boat.
I go, we do?
And he goes, yeah.
So we start walking to the dock.
We're carrying a fucking big case of beer, my whole class, cameras, and fucking
their little
passports around their neck.
And one of his buddies just walks up, and he's like, hey.
And he's like, hey.
And then we just get to the dock, and there's a boat there, and we just get on
it and take
off.
And halfway through, we realize the guy just stole the fucking boat.
Really?
He just stole the boat, and he was like...
Russia must be just fucking crazy, man.
Insane.
We went to a big mob boss party one night, and Igor tells the mob boss, he goes,
this is
the machine.
This is the guy.
How does this all happen?
I just was loud, and then I was partying with Igor and Sasha so much that, and
they just
tell their friends, oh, you got to meet this guy.
You got to meet this guy.
He's so funny.
Dude, we're going to have to drink with you.
I never lived it down.
We got to do shots with Bert Krusher.
You got to be careful, man.
You're selling yourself as this incredible, fun party guy, and everyone's going
to want
to do shots with you.
Oh, I don't.
I'm fucking...
Are you friends with Igor on Facebook now?
Have you tried to find him?
I don't think Igor's a lot.
Can I follow Igor on Twitter?
Just click online when you want him.
All right, ready?
Yes.

Bert Kreischer is The Machine (from Joe Rogan Experience #95)

The Joe Rogan experience.
So listen, man, last time you were here, there's a fucking story about the
Russian mob.
We teased these bitches.
These people right now on Twitter, they have been going crazy all day.
Do not let Bert Kreischer get out of there without the Russian mob story, man.
Tell us what the fuck happened.
All right.
This is in 1993, probably, I think is when I went to Russia.
I was taking Russian classes at Florida State.
I thought they were Spanish classes.
What?
I thought they were Spanish classes because it was a noon class and I signed up.
And then I was like, fucking sweet, Spanish at noon?
I could phone that in.
And then I get there and they start writing a new language, a new alphabet.
And I'm like, all right, this clearly isn't Spanish.
So then I said, I'm going to leave.
And the teacher's like, listen, don't leave because if you leave, we can't have
a class
and I can't get my master's degree.
But if you stick around, I'll talk to you after the class.
I get done at the end of the class.
She's like, listen, don't, you know, if you don't leave and I won't, and just
show up
at class, I'll give you a C.
I was like, done, done.
So I took Russian.
I took Russian one, two, and three because these kids needed another guy in
their class
to take these classes.
So then finally I take Russian four and we go to Russia.
We go to Russia.
But this is Russia, like when the mob ran Russia, like, are you, are you guys
aware
of that?
No.
Okay.
In like the nine, late nineties, mid nineties, the mob ran everything that had
to do with Russia.
So when going over to Russia, you had to, you had to literally pay off the mob
in order
to go and study abroad.
So we paid off the mob and they gave us in return two banditos, two young mobsters
who
would go everywhere with us.
They lived in our hotel.
They stayed with us.
They went on tours with us.
They went, they would did everything with us.
Their names were Igor and Sasha.
And when we got there, our teacher was like, listen, this is Igor and Sasha.
They will be ghosting us with my teacher who was there with me.
He was like, they're in the fucking mob.
Igor and Sasha.
Igor and Sasha.
It's like a gay guy named Bruce.
And they were like, and they were like, oh, it gets worse.
So they were like, listen, whatever you do to our class, do not talk to them.
Do not interact with them.
Oh my God.
Do not engage them.
They are only here to shadow us.
So in my head, I'm like, fucking get to know these guys, right?
Like get a bottle of vodka, six pack of Baltica, knock on their door.
No, mind you.
I speak no Russian at the time.
No Russian.
Cause I'd never studied in any of the classes.
So first night there, I knock on Igor and Sasha's room and they're having a
party in there.
Like fucking all their friends are in their room.
They lived right next to me.
And Kendra, my teacher, lived across the hall from Igor.
So I knock on their door.
Igor opens the door and he looks like a fucking thug.
He's got, he's got like a wife beater on, a cigarette, a beer.
And he just looks at me in Russian and just goes, shito.
And now as the second he says that, I start panicking.
All the phrases I had in my head that I was trying to say all disappear.
And all I say to Igor in Russian is, I am the machine.
What is it?
How do you say that?
And so, but I just said, and he went, and now I don't know what I've said.
I'm like, what did I just say?
I'll fuck you up.
Like, and I go, I go, I am the machine.
And he goes, say it again.
I said, I'm the machine.
And then he starts laughing and he brings me into the room.
He's like, hold on, say it again.
And so I say it to the room.
I don't know what the fuck I'm saying.
I'm like, I'm the machine.
And they're like, you're the machine.
I'm like, I'm the machine.
I said that all fucking night with these guys.
That's the only communication we had is I said, I'm the machine.
And Igor and Sasha and I became best friends, right?
We did everything together.
If we went on a field trip, they would tell me, machine, you don't need to go
on the field trips.
Come drink with us.
So now, cut to one day, we have to take a train to Moscow.
Now, a different mob ran the train to Moscow and a different mob ran Moscow.
And Igor and Sasha were not allowed to cross boundaries.
And they told me, they said, listen, we're not going to go with you, but we've
taken care of you.
We've talked to the mobsters on the train and in Moscow because we had to pay
them too.
So they weren't allowed to come with you?
They weren't allowed to come with us.
Because it's a different mob.
And we're paying a different mob now to protect us on the train.
Wow.
We're paying a different mob to protect us in Moscow.
Holy shit.
So they said, we've taken care of it.
Don't worry about it.
So they take me to the train.
And they introduced me to our two new gangsters, Igor and Igor.
What?
I swear to you.
Three Igors out of four dudes.
There's not a lot of names in Russia.
It's Alex, Igor, or Sasha.
What about Fyodor?
So Igor and Igor, my Igor says to these Igors, this is the machine.
If you give them alcohol, you'll have a great time.
So Igor and Igor are like through the roof.
They're like, awesome.
Don't worry.
We've taken care of you.
We're sitting in first class.
You're not sitting with your class.
You're sitting in first class to Moscow.
And I'm like, holy shit, this is what I'm talking about.
And I bring another guy, John Bolshoi, Big John.
I bring him with me to go sit in first class.
And sure enough, man, we're in fucking first class.
Just me, these two Igors, John, the conductor, I shit you not,
the conductor, before the train takes off, comes into the room, I swear to you,
rips off the band on this thing, says, this is a present for the machine.
It would be an honor to do a shot with you.
And I'm like, oh, this is fucking right.
So I do a shot with the conductor, and we pound this vodka within, like,
fucking 30, 45 minutes, we're done, all the vodka in the room.
Whoa.
We're drinking hard.
And my class is all in coach, and I'm sitting in first class.
And Igor and Igor are like, let's go get more vodka.
And I'm like, done.
These guys run the fucking train.
So we get up, we walk into the bar cart, and Big Igor says,
Machine, grab some bread, Clev.
And I'm like, that's bread.
I'm understanding Russian.
He's like, grab some Sia, that's cheese.
I'm like, I'm learning Russian.
I'm looking at John, who's standing behind me.
He's like, yeah.
He's like, grab vodka.
I go, I know that one.
And then he's like, grab all the money.
Grab all the rubles.
And I go, what?
I look around, and we're robbing the bar cart.
What?
The bartender's standing like this.
Everyone's standing against the wall.
And I'm sitting behind the bar with a handful of rubles, a bottle of vodka,
and a thing of bread going, holy fuck.
John looks at me, and he's like, just take it.
Let's go.
Take all the fucking cash out of the bar cart.
And what is the bartender doing?
Not making eye contact.
And they're packed out.
Everyone just lets it happen.
It's the mob.
They ran everything in Russia.
Everything.
Wow.
And so we get done, and we go back to our room, and it's a totally different
energy.
Like, very, like, very sketchy, you know?
Are you freaked out now?
I'm freaked out because I'm like, fuck, I just robbed the car.
Like, no one else saw anyone rob the bar cart except for me.
And my teacher, Val, who at the time was our chaperone, didn't speak any
Russian.
She comes to our first class cart, opens the door, and says, I need to talk to
you right now.
And I was like, listen.
And she goes, I told you that you're in big trouble.
You, I, my classmate, your classmates have told me what happened.
Big Igor takes a sip of vodka, spits it in her eyes, and goes, no one talks to
the machine like that.
I'm like, whoa.
He spit vodka in her eyes?
And fucking, it is.
And then shuts the door, and then looks at me, and he says, don't worry.
I got you.
When it gets dark, we're going to have a lot of fun.
And he pulls out a thing of keys.
He's got keys to the whole fucking train.
He's like, we're going to rob everyone when it gets dark.
Now I'm like, fuck, what did I get myself into?
Oh, my God.
Like, this is bad news.
Bad fucking news.
So, it gets dark, and sure enough, then we start robbing the train.
Go through my class first, and we'd fucking open the door.
Little Igor would crawl in, pull the bags out.
John and I would go through them and try not to steal, like, anything important.
And Big Igor would stand guard, and if anyone woke up, he'd take a sip of vodka
and spit it in their face.
What?
And it was, I mean, it's sketchy.
Now it's sketchy.
It's not even fun.
Are these guys armed?
Fucking, no, no, no.
They're loaded, though.
They're hammered, piss drunk.
We robbed my whole class, and then we end up, they end up taking off and going
into the car.
And me and John are sitting in the first class car just thinking, we're fucked,
man.
We're fucked.
We robbed the train.
We robbed the bar cart.
And they come back, and they're just fucking angry drunk, like, piss angry
drunk.
We pull into Moscow, and my teacher, Val, comes to the door, opens it, and said,
I'm just letting you know we've called the police.
So I was like, fuck.
So Igor and Igor are like, fuck it.
Don't worry.
Fuck the police.
Fuck the police.
This is Russia.
Who the fuck does she think she is?
This isn't America.
This is Russia.
We run everything.
I'm like, ugh, I'm going to fucking go to the gulag.
Sure enough, man, the cops are sitting on the middle, like, the middle, you
know, where people get off the train, that little receiving area.
My class is sitting there.
My whole class are in the pajamas.
They're crying.
Their bags have been gone through.
They're fucking giving statements to the cops, and the cops are writing them
down.
And I'm sitting with Igor and Igor and John in the fucking cart, and they're
just still drinking and smoking.
And they're like, fuck this.
Fuck this.
We'll take it there to this right now.
They walk outside, out to the cops, and start yelling at the cops.
And I'm like, motherfucker, this is not how I would have taken care of this.
Just, I don't even know what they're saying, but they're just shouting, and the
cops are shouting back.
And then finally, Big Igor just starts pointing at me.
And I'm like, oh, he's pinning this whole fucking thing on me?
Like, I'm going down for the whole thing?
And then the cop starts pointing at me and telling me, or whatever he's saying,
come here, right now.
So I fucking walk out, and it's that moment where you find the hash on your
body.
You know, they find it, and you're going to jail forever.
That's that moment, that walk, where your asshole gets cold, and you're like,
this is it.
Midnight Express.
Fucking, that's the moment.
And I walk all the way across this little fucking trail to get to him.
I get right up to the cop, and the cop looks at me, and he goes, I understand
you're the machine.
And I was like, yeah.
And he goes, tonight you party with us.
I was like, what?
All right, so then we went out and partied with these cops.
So the cops did nothing.
Fucking nothing.
They were so excited to meet the machine.
What?
They were like, this fucking, it was a nickname.
Is there no one funny in Russia?
Is that what it is?
No, there was no humor.
There was no...
I got a drink with you.
Is that what it is?
Is there's no one funny, and then you come along, and you're hilarious, so they're
like,
we're partying with you.
Yeah, and I was just loud.
Like, there's not a lot of loud people.
Would you be willing to move to Russia to be their bitch and to like...
No.
Dude, those guys scared me.
One night, the guy...
How many nights did you party with these guys?
Oh, I partied with Igor, and you were on the train only, and then I partied
with the
cops in Moscow with John, and then for one night, and then we hid from them,
because they
wanted...
The cops wanted...
No, the cops were scary.
More scary than the gangsters, becau