Name: Joe Rogan Experience #249 - Bert Kreischer
Uploaded: 2013-05-31T10:15:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #249 - Bert Kreischer' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #249 - Bert Kreischer' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-31. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #249 - Bert Kreischer

oh shit you dirty bitches wait what no meow now oh okay
you fucked up my flow right i had a false start out of the gate but like usain
bolt i will recover
from my shitty start the joe rogan experience podcast is brought to you by onnit.com
that's
o-n-n-i-t makers of alpha brain shroom tech sport shroom tech immune new mood
strong bone all these
different things well the big one is alpha brain that's my favorite that's the
one i rely on
and uh i use all of them but to me alpha brain's my baby i wouldn't i wouldn't
give that shit up
that stuff's amazing i've gotten lorenzo fortita completely hooked on it i got
a lot of people
hooked on it it's uh it's very effective what it what is it they're vitamins
that enhance brain
function is it bullshit no this is maybe it's a placebo i don't think it is no
my crew my crew
from uh trip flip we were in scotland and i was having a rough morning and i
was like fuck it i'm
alpha braining today and they and literally they said no more alpha brain i
said why and they go you
will not shut the fuck up the whole van i was just playing these games like i
was like fucking i was
funny as shit but it was like they were like you're fucking exhausting us i was
my wife outlawed
alpha brain when i'm hanging out with my daughters because i don't i don't play
with my daughters i
just think of jokes i'm just fucking firing i love this shit that's weird that
sounds like you're high
like your wife is telling you not to get higher on your kids well she did say
that it does not do that
to me are you dipping your alpha brain in cocaine no no no but if you take some
alpha brain and some
coffee you're fucking creative and this is the new thing i heard if you put a
little bit of
nicotine nicotine nicotine gum is the shit stimulates creativity nicotine we
had rob wolf on the podcast
who uh talked about that about nicotine gum being really good for creativity
makes sense yeah apparently
what's really bad about cigarettes is the 590 different things that they added
to make them more
addictive which you know you want to know that you've been sold down a fucking
river by politicians
how about the fact that your fucking cigarettes have 590 ingredients and all
those bitches do is make it
easier to hook you what yeah what if cigarette companies like added 20 000 good
ingredients to it on top of the
500 bad one because then it would be more good than that at the end of the day
man you're still burning
things and taking that burning chemicals in your mouth and that can cause
cancer it just can you know even
the the best case example of burning chemicals and then breathing it in i don't
see how that's going
to help you the tobacco itself is not nearly as bad they're just the burning
plant matter yeah it's not
nearly as bad what if they put a little bit of asparagus or aloe into that
smoke though you know so
well i think i'm saying for like you're uh for quitting you know and for i
think tobacco is supposed to be
like if you like one of those american cigarettes one of those things called
american spirits those are
supposed to be easier to kick they're also harder to smoke and worse for you
and when they go out
they go everyone complains that they go out like they they just don't stop
burning and they stop
burning so they don't have all the shit all the little the little gasoline in
there to keep it running
they actually actually cigarettes now have these things built into the paper at
least in california
by law they have to have these stoppers so when people flick cigarettes out the
window
it used to be they'll just burn all the way to the filter where now they have
like these things
that's built into the paper that stops it from smoking which probably gives you
even more right yeah
let's start adding to that that is the best thing i ever did is quit smoking
and quit dipping
i was addicted to dipping worse than anything that's like a grab bag of money
that's all it is you know
you shouldn't be selling that shit you know you shouldn't be hooking people on
that get out of that
business that's a creepy goddamn business but what if your company was like philip
morris tobacco
and then you're driving a fucking ferrari and flying around a private jet
because you're poisoning all
these fucks so you have to keep like greasing politicians and that's why you
never hear any
of these guys you never hear obama you never hear bush you never hear anybody
talk about getting rid of
cigarettes they never do they talk about homosexuality they talk about
everything yeah but
fucking they talk about trayvon martin yep but they don't talk about fucking
cigarettes cigarettes
let's kill four this is a conservative estimate it could be more four hundred
thousand people a year
and it might be as much she'll just add a special effect to it
accidentally brian was smoking a cigarette on his way over here right after
strep throat
yeah you'd have to wrap your fucking head around that man that's a lot of
goddamn people
that's a half a million people like a picture a stack of bodies and they were
all rotting all because
of cigarettes that's that is really crazy that is fucking crazy that's a
fucking astounding any other
product if they told they had that number they'd be like fucking rapid kale did
that how quickly they
take out the kale farmers if kale was killing 400 000 people a year but could
you fucking imagine but
people like what i like it though it helps me stay thin i should so much better
with kale i love when
i see green shit on the toilet paper imagine if kale if kale was if kale killed
one person they would
shut down the fucking kale factories yeah but cigarettes are just steady sure kales
killed more than one
person what the fuck are you talking about because salad always gets that that
disease on it uh or what
nose no no stop right now no that's not how they've killed people the worst
medical diagnosis of all
time it has selma hayek selma hayek in it selma hayek disease you just your
conversation was running
with snowshoes on through mud that was what that sentence was with the ski
goggles on and two
baseball gloves on yeah that is true that a lot of people have gotten sick they've
i think it's e coli
from eating spinach especially yeah and apparently it's because the way some
farms are set up
the from the cows actually runs down like the water from that will get onto the
crops
and that can have e coli because and one of the reasons why it can have e coli
is because they're
giving these cows things they're not supposed to be eating to make them fatter
to make them fatter like
grains so cattle we're supposed to eat grass that's what they that's what their
natural food is so when
you don't give them grass they apparently can get really sick with e coli and
then that shit gets
onto the spinach yeah so it all goes back to like farming like an ass i think
people have died from
that so kale has killed i don't know if no more people have choked on kale it's
spinach though
spinach is kill people and the funny thing is i did a i did a morning show
thing with uh in wherever i was in
omaha and i and they had a farmer that was talking about his grass-fed steak
right you got to try i do
grass-fed and so he gets done the thing and i go so what is it like does grass-fed
taste better he
goes no not at all i go what he goes it actually has less flavor i go then what's
the thing he goes
oh it's just what i do i can't know fucking there's no better the reason it's
grass-fed is like
fucking nothing well that's a weird uh for him that's a weird thing to say
because i
prefer the taste of grass-fed it's more um gamey they it's more gaming i'm sure
the ones that are
corn fred you know the they're just fat as fuck they're also those are real oh
my god i love steak
ribeyes fat ribeye yeah the preparation is disgusting you're fucking up these
animals but
god damn we make a good steak let's get out of this commercial dude yeah yeah
well maybe something
something i could you feel like we're missing something not having the
flashlight as a sponsor
absolutely absolutely i think it's crazy it's i don't feel comfortable with it
at all i miss
talking about you need fucking gross sex toys you need to grow son you need to
get out of that it's
enough we can only i mean we did 200 plus podcasts but we talked about rubber
buses wait how much
that's beautiful how much hard it is to do that how much would it cost for a
sponsorship like give me
a ballpark we don't talk about this in the air i want to talk about it because
i'm maybe i'll just
have travel channel sponsor this show do you have olive garden kind of money
yeah no i'll get
travel channel to trip flip so you have to talk about trip flip at the
beginning of every
fucking show got it out early i'll do it seven more times on it.com that's o-n-n-i-t
uh what is
alpha brain listen if you go to on it.com everything will be explained it is a
very comprehensive
website including all the science behind alpha brain what the difference i
stole the ingredients
nutrients just like you said five hcp yeah that stuff's great does anything
have
melatonin in like any of the on it products have like a sleeping aid like melatonin
now you should
do that melatonin is awesome they should do like new mood bonus turbo style or
something like that
sleep yeah or like super new mood this new mood would be almost the opposite
because it's a boosting
like an enlightening yeah but it relaxes you also does it yeah well i think for
some folks some people
have a little bit more tension so it's good probably like alleviates a little
bit of that they should
call it just something cool like it's amazing though that they figured out
someone can do that pass the
the f**k out pass the f**k out chill chill chill dog it would be awesome if
they made a melatonin
chill dog don't be such a douche and spell it like d-a-w-g yeah d-a-w-g for
sure yeah i emailed on it
this weekend on twitter and asked them to come up with something for alcohol to
like make the turnaround
better or something yeah hangover juice for that i do you're not going to do
anything you're poisoning
yourself but what you can help two things can help one water and two nootropics
three battle roots yeah
if you uh if you take like a bunch of new mood and a bunch of alpha brain after
you if you're hung over
and drink a you have to drink a f**k load of water and you should almost always
take nutrients with food
your body absorbs them better if they're connected to fats and carbohydrates so
you should always take pills
uh with with food but uh as far as i'm you know i think you're the real problem
is dehydration yeah
you know you're poisoning yourself and you're it's alcohol is an amino suppressant
it's a diuretic
it's like you're you're really like sending your body through some s**t it's
the only way to recover
from that is time water food good food give it a chance to go oh yeah if i get
a little bit of
sleep the night before i feel like like if i do stop drinking and then do some
s**t and then go to bed
i feel f**king so much better but when i have when i wake up and i have that
beer on the bed stand next
to me just staring at me like a gay lover like wow we had a weird f**king night
last night
anyway on it.com o-n-n-i-t um if you if you order the first 30 pills um and you
uh you have an
opportunity to try it out and if you don't like it you get 100 money back
guarantee the idea is that
what we're selling you is really good it's it's really effective and i don't
want anybody to ever
feel ripped off it's more important for me that people feel like this is an
even deal than it is to
make money so we have a hundred percent money back guarantee on the first 30
pills if you don't like
it just say it that's it you don't have to return it i'm telling you it's some
fascinating s**t i love
it it it it helps me but also diet helps me you know vitamins multi vitamins
fish oil everything you
need to take care of your health b****s get on that s**t but if you're