Name: Joey Diaz Hates Ranch Dressing (taken from Joe Rogan Experience #219)
Uploaded: 2013-05-31T18:20:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz Hates Ranch Dressing (taken from Joe Rogan Experience #219)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz Hates Ranch Dressing (taken from Joe Rogan Experience #219)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-31. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan Experience
Pendula, listen, I just love the rant
and if you want to listen to Pendula at Sunday School
He's fucking amazing
I want to meet him so bad
We didn't figure this out ten years ago
I know, but come on, that's a great rant, Joe Deez
What are you wasting my time with this shit for?
I'm wasting your time?
I came here to talk to you, dog
You have to see this fucking guy
You know me, dog
Well, we're talking to you
Well, I'm talking to you right now
Talking to me about
It's a business
What the fuck do you want?
Nobody knows prison's a business
That's what it is
It's a fucking business, guys
It's important when a guy like Pendula
That's great
You do, you break the fucking law
You go to jail
You sell weed against the law
And ten bales
You get caught
You go to jail
I went to jail
I'm responsible
I learned how to fucking
That's it
What are you going to do?
There's a law
You cannot fucking do it
You're going to go to jail
Jail and prison are a fucking business
They're a business
That's why
Get a ticket driving with the phone
How much they tell you it is?
How much they tell you it is?
I don't know
$25
Until you go down to L.A. County
And it's $225
Because you've got to pay the court costs
The prison fee
The judge's vacation
It's a fucking business, guys
They're going to raise the taxes now
For fucking parking tickets
It's a business
What the fuck do you want me to do?
This is the oldest conversation in the book
They should have legalized this after they shot Kennedy
They didn't
We're fucking fortunate that we live in California
And we don't have to abide by this
When was the last time you were at a store
And they kicked the door down, Joe Rogan?
How about you, my friend?
So all this shit you guys talk about
Them kicking the doors, the feds
I've never seen it
I go get weed every day
Stop scaring these fucking white kids
And getting them talking
This is nonsense
This is nonsense talk
That they should come to jail
When I never drank
So what?
So who gives a fuck?
It applies for everything, dog
There's a lot of people who are in jail
That get out every day
On a DNA or whatever
You break the law
You sell five pounds of weed
You've got to go to jail
It's a business
You didn't do nothing wrong
But it's a business
They have guidelines
If you get caught
With 30, 28 grams of blow
You have to do
A certain amount of fucking time
You get caught
With a quarter ounce of weed
You have to do
A certain amount of time
You got caught with it
Why are you crying to me for?
You got caught with it
I was a criminal for 30 years
You ever seen me get caught
With blow
With weed or blow?
No
You follow me?
There's a way to do it
And there's a way
How the fuck are you
Going to get caught
With fucking weed
And not think you're
Going to go to jail
If you live in fucking Ohio
Or in fucking Kentucky
Or wherever
You're going to go to jail
I kind of see your point
But I also see his
Because it's an important
Mine is brilliant
I know
It's important
It's not
You got together with Fallon
And the president's hip
I don't give a fuck dog
You don't give a fuck at all
I'm smoking
Look here
Here's what I think
About your whole drug thing
Look like the same thing
I've rubbed my balls
With for the last 32 years
With the sativas
And the bullshit
Just get high dog
You people have
Too much drama
To the gift that God gave us
Of getting high
You got too much drama
I kill you
I gotta put a thing
At the end of the joint
To be cool
Meanwhile you're smoking
Shut the fuck up
You're smoking an electronic cigarette
But I'm smoking
Think about that
I'm smoking
Oh okay
That's all that matters
I got you
At the end of the week
That's all that matters
Fucking people
Want to be intelligent
All the time
I can't wait to see you
On stage tonight
The fucking stupidity
You're in rare form today
One out of six people
And three out of four people
In there for rape and murder
What are you telling me for
Look Joey Meatballs
Calm down
Who gives a fuck
Who gives a fuck
To show people
That you give a fuck
Who gives a fuck
I don't give a fuck
I don't want people
Locked up in jail
For weed
You know my favorite thing
Joe
What if they came in here
Jack boot thug style
And fucking haul you away
For your little fancy pencil
I've been doing comedian
For 20 years
I drink from time to time
Do I ever get behind
Of a car when I'm drunk
And get a DUI
That's a choice you make
These are all the choices
You make bro
So what are we getting at
I know it's illegal
I know it should be legal
And I know that
John Lennon's gonna make
A comeback
But for today
But for today
2000
For today
But for today
If you get caught smoking
Fucking in New York
You're going to jail
I don't care
What you said bro
I love hearing you talk
I know
Fuck
I'm gonna put up
With this nonsense
I love Pendulet
But I don't give a fuck
I was going off yesterday
I was saying how
Joey Diaz would get mad
About ketchup
About
Because everybody wants
To come up with
This fucking Heinz ketchup
Or ranch
Have you ever
Even talked about ranch
Oh I fucking hate ranch
I don't know how the fuck
People could eat that shit
I don't know how
People could eat ranch
Like when I go to a place
And I say
Oh you have wings
And they say
It comes with ranch
I get up and leave
Even if I don't get the wings
Because if you're gonna serve
Wings with ranch
I don't want to do business
With you
I don't want to do business
With you
I'm very easy
I'm very fucking easy
So if you fuck up
Pork fried rice
What do we got to talk about
Wings must be done
With blue cheese
Blue cheese
Yeah like the way
They invented it in Buffalo
New York
If you're gonna do something
Do an original
You're gonna show up
With that ranch
That smells like somebody's ass
Give a snow fucking ranch
They're saying that ranch
Is starting to replace ketchup
Yeah that's good
If you're a fucking hillbilly
And you want to taste
The ass in your mouth
All fucking day
I hate that fucking ranch shit
Don't put it close to me
Don't put it around me
It's either blue cheese
With wings
Or go fuck your mother
That's the next shirt
Alright please
You're gonna give me
A fucking ranch
With fucking wings
I can say
Blue cheese with wings
And you're gonna fuck your mother
Go fuck your mother
And eat this shit
Fucking gonna give me
Ranch with my wings
That's the next shirt
That's the next shirt
That's the blue cheese with wings
That's how you motherfuckers
I'm stoned
Fuck it
He's fucked up now
It's either blue cheese with wings
Or you go fuck your mother
Fucking gonna give me
Ranch and shit
I don't even like
People around me
Order a ranch
Like don't order that shit
Around me
Do me that favor
Alright
I don't even like
I don't even like
I don't even like
I don't even like
Freaks and geeks
Lovers and children
What's going on
Ladies and gentlemen