Name: Joe Rogan Experience #253 - Andrew Dice Clay
Uploaded: 2013-05-31T22:37:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #253 - Andrew Dice Clay' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #253 - Andrew Dice Clay' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-31. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #253 - Andrew Dice Clay

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All right, ladies and gentlemen, buckle the fuck in.
Andrew Dice Clay is here, ladies and gentlemen.
Cue the music, Brian.
Let's make it official.
The Joe Rogan Podcast.
Check it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Train by day.
Joe Rogan Podcast by night.
All day.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have with us not just Eleanor Kerrigan, not just Max
Silverstein,
but Andrew Dice Clay as well.
This is a fucking phenomenal show.
You know, you're so strong and everything.
In the meantime, I can't get the coffee to come out of my cup.
There's something wrong with the lid.
You got to pull the lid back.
Let me help you with your little love.
Oh, really?
I thought that was it right there.
Is that it?
I've been trying to drink it.
Is it a faulty one?
Do you see where it says lift?
Oh, I didn't see it.
Oh, you got to lift it.
Well, I'm not going to do it.
You do it with your fingers.
Yeah, can't everybody just be Starbucks?
Just feel.
It's like this.
Like this.
Look, look, look.
Gorgeous isn't everything.
Sometimes you have to think, pumpkin.
That was pretty easy.
That's sad.
She did it for you.
Now you know why I got around.
One of the things that I enjoy about being around you, man, is that life is
theater 24-7.
I don't know what you'd say.
Public theater.
Public theater.
In the dressing room.
You're a fun fucking dude to be around.
You know what?
And I've learned that about you.
I've really learned that about you.
Because we didn't know each other that well.
And now we've become what I would call friends.
Oh, absolutely.
You're like a new friend.
I'd be honored.
Constant text.
Yeah, we text.
Constant text.
Do you do it in all caps?
And what's funny is.
No, no.
I have to do it that way or else I can't see what I'm doing.
So it's not like, you know how they say when you text.
Oh, you can make the font larger.
That's what I've had to do.
I don't use that kind of phone.
I don't use that kind of phone.
Oh, you don't use an iPhone?
No.
How dare you?
I use Commando.
He uses a typewriter.
It's harder.
Commando, you could talk 300 feet under the water with it.
Oh, is it one of those Verizon ones?
Yeah.
Those crazy ones?
Yeah.
So you got one for a disaster?
Well, let's say you're having a fight with a guy, right?
Right, right.
And you're on the beach.
Okay.
So now I run into the water.
I go underneath.
I could call the cops and say, I got a problem over here.
I mean, why the fuck are they making phones to talk underwater?
But I got it.
Yeah.
I thought about going that way.
I tried it in my pool.
It's like, I think of, what do you want to, what kind of car do you like to
drive?
Do you like to drive a sports car or do you want to drive like a military Humvee?
I mean, you got two different ways of looking at things.
One is, I'm going to just assume that these roads are going to be like this and
that I
can get around on them pretty easy and just, and it's fun.
Or I can pretend that the shit could hit the fan at every moment and all of a
sudden I'm
driving through the fucking desert trying to find rats to eat to stay alive.
I like an industrial car.
I like that thought.
I like that.
I agree with you.
Yeah.
You like that?
I like trucks.
I do them all with the metal all around them.
Just like things solid.
With the metal all around them.
Yeah.
Big fucking machine.
Stay back.
Back up.
I mean, I got to challenge it too.
But that to me is an industrial sports car.
Do you have one of the new ones?
Yeah.
Yeah.
With the black stripe on the front.
They nailed that car.
It's great.
They really like replicated a 70s muscle car.
They really nailed it.
Listen, Dodge, do me a favor here.
Yeah.
Talk to us.
Make like the convertible version.
Nothing will be cooler than that in convertible.
Yeah.
I think you're right.
Yeah.
Where the fuck is the guy that's going to do this already?
Yeah.
That's kind of silly.
Why does it take 10 years?
I mean, Camaro does it.
It's a fucking challenger.
Yeah.
I want the top down.
Yeah.
What the fuck, Dodge?
Really?
What is that?
They don't have a sunroof?
No.
Well, they got a sunroof.
A sunroof is not right.
Every time you open the sunroof, you want to close it because the sun's now
beating on
you through this little fucking hole.
But I convertible the sun.
Either want it open or not open.
Eleanor, I'm talking.
When I'm done talking, you start.
That's how it works.
I just asked a question.
Ask it when I'm done.
24-7.
No, you know, you've got to know how to, you know, talk.
Keep them in line.
Yeah.
Keep them in line.
The 427 Corvette is the best American car available now.
Have you seen that now?
See, but to me, that's too small.
Oh, it's cute.
I like a big muscle car.
Do you?
Yeah.
They finally took the Z06 suspension and Z06 engine and they put it in a
convertible.
The Z06 was the fucking race car.
And that was, they took a regular Corvette and then the Z06 was 505 horsepower
and fucking
racing suspension.
Big, fat, fucking, almost slick tires.
It's the craziest car ever.
And now they're making it as a convertible, which is the first time they've
been off of
that kind of power.
Jeff Abraham, the publicist, my publicist, he's got, he's got that.
The Corvettes are ridiculous.
They're ridiculous cars.
They're cool to be in, but then it's getting out of it.
That's the hard part.
Well, it's, you know, it's also a plastic car.
Because everything on me is broken.
Everything?
Everything from disintegrating feet to ripped shoulders.
Now can I talk?
You don't have disintegrating feet, Andrew.
Well, in a way they're disintegrating.
Well, I think mother time or father time, whatever the fuck it is.
Oh no, when I close my fist and I got to open my hand, wait, let it, it snaps
open.
You are wearing gloves though.
No, no, it's even worse when there were no gloves on.
Really?
Yeah, like the joints get stiff and then they got to like pop open.
Did you really start wearing gloves because too many people were?
After you jerk off your hands like this for three hours.
Did you really start wearing gloves because too many people were shaking your
hands?
You were worried about like getting sick or?
Well, it was, I don't mind shaking hands.
I just can't take sweaty hands.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
So I invented a way to shake hands without actually touching skin to skin.
That's good.
Smart.
No, because, you know, a lot of people today, I mean, look how people are
dressed.
How sloppy they are.
Yeah.
With the jeans that they look like they're going to take half a shit out of
their pants.
As they're walking down the street with the flip flops.
Yeah.
I'm glad you're with me.
So picture about their hygiene with their hands.
Yeah.
They probably got their fingers in their ass crack half the time.
I don't want to shake it.
Scratch them and then using a keyboard, right?
So, yeah, but you know what I'm talking about.
I know you know what I'm talking about.
Oh, I know what you're talking about.
Because you shake a lot of hands too.
Yeah.
Well, so you're with me in the disdain of people who wear their fucking pants
buckled around
their dick.
Oh, yeah.
It's sickening.
There is a problem with that, folks.
That is just stupid.
And people have said, man, you're so wrong, dude.
You're just fucking, you're just talking shit about style.
You're being silly.
No, no, no, no.
It's nothing sexy about it.
It's not style.
That is crazy.
When I see your pants.
It's not lazy.
It's insanity.
When I see a girl or a guy walking around like they took a dump in their pants,
it's the
last person I want to talk to.
Yeah, they are waddling.
There's something about it that just shows that all you have to do is get one
charismatic
person to do something and then every asshole wants to follow him.
So it must have been just one probably badass black dude out of prison who sagged
his pants
and kept sagging his pants.
And then all of a sudden, all these fucking dorks want to copy that guy and it's
become
like this thing.
And the belt buckle where they back look, they literally are buckling their
belt over
their dick.
Like, you silly fuck.
You can't even walk.
What are you, hobbling yourself?
That's like, this is way worse than anybody can make fun of a woman doing by
wearing high
heels.
Like, at least a woman in high heels can kind of kick her shoes off if she has
to run.
You know what I mean?
Those things aren't hard to get off.
But if you're wearing your fucking belt buckled around your dick, if somebody
wants to beat
your ass, you really don't have a whole lot of options.
You're going to get your fucking ass kicked unless you want to fight naked.
And by the time you get those pants off, that dude's going to beat the shit out
of you.
You can't even walk.
You're tied up.
Joe.
You're lasso-ed.
Joe.
Joey.
Joey.
Joey.
Joey J.
Yeah, yeah.
My nickname for you is Joey J.
Thank you, sir.
And we don't talk about what the J means.
By the way, I need to get a pair of sunglasses like those.
The violence.
The prescription, though.
That's why I wear it.
The bad ass, though.
Yeah.
Can you get it?
Those are, I don't give a fuck sunglasses.
And I don't.
I know you don't.
I don't.
I know you don't.
I don't.
That's why you got those glasses are perfect for you.
Yeah.
Joe.
It's like he's Spider-Man.
We went to see Dice.
We'll have to get him glasses.
Let me just say, we went to see Dice in Vegas, and it is one of the rare times
that
I ever get a chance to go to see a show.
You actually said you haven't sat down and watched a comedy show in years.
Well, it had been about a year, and the last