Name: Joe Rogan Experience #260 - Greg Fitzsimmons
Uploaded: 2013-06-03T01:24:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #260 - Greg Fitzsimmons' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-06-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #260 - Greg Fitzsimmons' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-06-03. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #260 - Greg Fitzsimmons

you dirty bitches that's my new song you dirty bitches i need i need a little a
little more
rhythm to pull it off the joe rogan experience podcast today tuesday september
4th 2012
griselda blanco is dead that's me that's me they got that griselda blanco lady
who's that
she's the cocaine cowboys uh lady i still have not seen we should talk about
this we'll talk about
this later um i gotta do a commercial joe rogan experience podcast it's brought
to by onnit.com
that's o-n-n-i-t what is on it on it's a supplement company we make alpha brain
and a bunch of shit
that i talk about on the podcast all the time uh the one thing i can tell you
is everything that uh
we sell at onnit.com is all stuff that i've used i believe in i endorse i
wouldn't get
behind anything that wasn't legit and the fascinating thing to me about alpha
brain
is that it's uh you know like all the all the information from nootropics if
like you're
interested in the subject of nootropics which is like it's all nutrients that
have been shown to
have a positive effect on human neurochemistry the idea is that you your brain
produces more
more juice you have more ability to string together sentences you have more
neurotransmitters
i don't understand it that shit goes away with time your endorphin uh receptacles
and all that
stuff it starts to die away everything does we're going down greg you need some
juice going down
yeah what i've what i've found is that i benefit greatly from i take a lot of
vitamins and uh i take a lot of
really what i believe are very effective supplements and i eat a lot of really
good food you got to be
healthy because if you don't this motherfucker will fail on you it will fall
apart you'll crash into the
rocks like you got to keep it together bitches and that is what on it is all
about the company is
basically set up everything we sell is stuff that will improve you with the
strength and fitness
equipment kettlebells and battle ropes there's like the best way you could ever
work out if you want
to develop functional strength that directly translates into any athletic
endeavor kettlebells
and battle ropes are fantastic battle ropes are these giant fucking ropes and
you flail them through
the air and you do it for like sprints of 30 seconds and oh it's brutal so
those and kettlebells they
will last you for to the end of time the battle ropes you can't get many any
cheaper than you can get
it in on it.com and the kettlebells there's like as cheap as you can humanly
sell them we're sending
cannonballs through the mail it's not that easy it's ridiculous it's i mean
that's we're sending i mean
some of them are 90 pounds you're sending a 90 pound fucking cannonball through
the mail that shit is
expensive as fuck and just like alpha brain if you want to take the ropes
and make them yourself go get a bunch of ropes it's really expensive you'd be
amazed yeah those
really big heavy big thick heavy ropes those are expensive as fuck it's not
easy to target you got
to go to uh you can get them though you can go to nautical stores i just don't
think they usually
sell them and tank sizes yeah it's probably hard to get but you can definitely
get it i mean we got it
it's just a it's just a big heavy rope you know if you can make your own make
your own if you got
some extra giant rope laying around you can probably do it with chains too if
you want to go fucking
crazy rampage jackson style or like 17 000 tennis shoes yeah yeah i mean the
idea is like that you're
using your whole body in like a whipping effect and shoelaces the the wind like
the uh the amount of
wind it takes to work out like and do like these 30 second sprints 20 seconds
off and then 30 second
sprints that's like uh this protocol of different exercises you do with the
battle so fucking brutal
man it's like nothing it gets you tired like nothing you ever do outside of
like wrestling a man
not that you do any man wrestling i wrestled uh rope man once rope man that was
a fucking workout
it's alive uh the point is my father off me off a waterbed when i was two
just kidding you're the only grown man that i know that still uses just kidding
i know
it's the dumbest shit ever what's the what's the thesaurus version of that of
just saying yeah like
what's the adult version of that like you don't have to say anything i know you're
just kidding
i know is there an adult version you know the original one was nano nano yeah
me and my friends
you say that instead of like just kidding or not really yeah i think it was
from we were like you
know 10 9 oh i never heard that one that's way better well no no no black
people used to say it
in my town they'd be like no no all right that's my new thing on it.com o-n-n-i-t
go get yourself
some fucking kettlebell sun hemp protein powder we got all kinds of groovy shit
and it's all the
supplements have a 30 day uh 30 pill rather 100 money back guarantee if you don't
feel like it
enhances you and helps you then you just say this stuff sucks and get your
money back it's that simple
you don't have to return the product use the code name rogan and you will save
yourself 10 off you
dirty bitches all right brian cue the music let's make it official craig fitz-simmons
is here
joe rogan podcast check it out the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan
podcast by night
all day
and then that happens this is what happens every podcast you have these fucking
awesome conversations
you get rolling and then we play that music and all of a sudden we got to start
from scratch again
and we forget what we were just talking about that we were like saving for the
podcast what were we
talking that's we have a very inefficient way of starting the show and we've
never analyzed it until
this moment and i've always thought the best like talk show like tonight show
thing would be as soon as
the guests walk in the stage door backstage they should just be getting filmed
and then play pieces of
that yeah you know because who gives a shit once they sit down they tee it up
it's like i can tell
you the end of george clooney's story yeah his mom made cookies and then uh she
got hit on
who gives a fuck i agree who gives a fuck about your little prepackaged dry ass
story that you've done
on four other talks you know we talk shows now you see guys promoting a film
there's this website that
tells you all the late night shows guests for the next two weeks and you'll see
like paul rudd
go fucking daily show tonight show letterman conan you know and then start
working your way down so
you're on like uh jimmy uh what's the guy who does uh the late late nbc show jimmy
fallon no no
no it's like he does music it was on mtv not jimmy um jimmy store carson daly
carson daly is
still on television for 10 years i like his taste yeah i find a lot of weird
creepy bands and movies
from that guy just because he's he's kind of like cutting edge hipster like he
there's a reason why
like he was on mtv our same generation now he's older so he he does give some
cool taste of music
once in a while uh when i catch it i always i'm interested because he does pick
little random cards
out of the blue that you maybe you haven't heard of like music wise at least or
movie wise i don't
know i i don't think he's bad i'd take him over leno any day no i never said he
was bad no no those
things are fucking hard man those things are really hard to do it's really hard
to do a talk show like
that and be even remotely interesting it's so segmented it's like you never
really get a chance
to get rolling you're just trying to like interject and say witty things in
this really brief story
it's like you barely get to know someone like under the the the idea of this
this breaking it up
and for these long ass commercials and you know you talk in between the break
and then when we come
back you know and then it just it's it's so fake and hokey you remove yourself
and the good guests
just say you know what i'm gonna do he's gonna introduce me and i'm gonna tell
a great fucking story
then we're gonna go to commercial but if you try to fake that you're hanging
out talking that's
that's that's torture especially when you're using an alienware computer right
joe yes it's hard to do
man it's it's hard to do that job that's a really difficult job this is way
easier it's way easier to
do a podcast like there's a yeah yeah because a podcast you just start talking
you know a show like
that like you have to you have to operate within like this really narrow frame
of time like what
if there's like a really intense subject something that is a really
controversial to you and the person
that you're talking about it with like sometimes it might require a long time
to delicately work
through some weird subject like if a guy comes on and he's talking about his
wife just had an abortion
or something that could do it yeah it could yeah i mean anything along those
lines yeah well you know
it's like there's there's certain things that when you're you're talking about
it you need some time
you don't want to have to go uh go to break in five and you know like come on
really okay we'll be
back because the host has to fill every second they get uncomfortable when the
thing's not going well
so they they jump in like some dysfunctional enabler yeah the commercial ruins
the conversation it ruins it it fucking kills it it's the death of it and the
idea that you have
to do a commercial at a certain time like opie and anthony have commercials but
they just talk
until they're done and then they go all right you guys want to take a break let's
take a break play
some commercials we'll be right back and it's completely organic yeah it's like
you're watching
separate shows you're like you're watching one hour and a half show where they
didn't go to
commercial and then another hour show where they didn't go to commercial and
then they'll go to
commercial well and also you don't get the sense with opie and anthony or um
podcasts that we're talking the way two human beings talk there's a rhythm and
there's a pace
and there's not there's not high iq moments every three seconds like when you
watch a monologue in
an interview you had 20 writers mapping every word so to me it's off-putting
and i think it is to a
lot of american sitcoms are the same way human beings don't have conversations
the way they do
on sitcoms so that's why people started wanting reality tv they were like this
is makes me feel
uncomfortable because it's not real right yeah it's it's clumsy it's like the
way the president talks to
the to the people that's the same sort of thing it's the same sort of animal it's
like seeing gene
simmons on his show that's just an noise the fuck out of me because it's not
only fake it's just really
dumb fake like he glued dildos to his hand you know like really like this yeah
i have to believe that
you glued a dildo to your it's so unfortunate do you know i guess he's just
trying to keep doing it
you know bobby lee right sure apparently uh and this apparently he's talked
about this i'm not i'm not
outing him about this when he goes on the road how many times have people had
to say that statement
in reference to a bobby lee story which by the way i love bobby lee love bobby
lee i really do i mean
truly but you know why because he's vulnerable he's a broken toy and he knows
it we all know it so you
don't have to so that's why he's a sweetheart of a guy he is but he goes on the
road he buys three
bottles of elmer's glue and at night he pours it on his hands and then peels it
off are you serious that's
so cool oh my god and i heard that and i was like i want to fucking do that
dude oh my god you know
those markers the crayola markers you can bite off the end and then pull take
out the uh ink yeah out
of it you put that in a glue overnight and it'll turn whatever color marker so
you put on your hand
you can make it like green hulk hands so it looks like you're peeling off nice
tip for halloween
yeah you should what are you 12 you're talki