Name: Joe Rogan Experience #264 - Tom Segura (Part 1)
Uploaded: 2013-06-03T03:45:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #264 - Tom Segura (Part 1)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-06-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #264 - Tom Segura (Part 1)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-06-03. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #264 - Tom Segura (Part 1)

oh we're already live yeah damn watch me tweet and talk at the same time you
know there's a lot
of guitar players that can do that tweet and guitar yeah they can sing and talk
at the same
time me i can't even type and talk at the same time and i don't have to keep
any kind of spell
experience wrong how do you sing and talk at the same time it seems impossible
sing i mean
sing and play guitar rather at the same time but they'll also play guitar and
like keep playing
the song and then talk to you about some something you know i mean like like i
know man when you get
down they need to make a left and they're still playing the exact you know song
their brain can
can do both at the same time yeah it's like drummers i don't get that or like a
drummer has like one beat
on one leg one beat on the other leg one dude how goddamn impressive is dice's
kid yeah max is a
fucking beast really you're oh my god dude we had max silverstein he came on
the show with dice and
we played a video of it and i had seen him do it live when we went to dice's
show because he does
he does like uh his band does a song before dice comes out so i knew that the
kid could play the drums
but there's a video of him at the comedy lab next to the improv and whose show
was it on uh i don't know
whatever it was the fucking kid's insane i mean he's not just good at the drums
he's sick i mean he's
he looks like a fucking professional really oh it's amazing man the hand-eye
coordination is ridiculous
i mean he fucking goes off on this solo and he nails it he nails it perfect and
it's one of those
one of those moments you're like that kid's a bad motherfucker that kid could
be a bad motherfucker
anything he wants anything he wants yeah anything he wants his fucking dad did
a great job raising him
man that that kid loves his father you know that is a a beautiful thing to
watch dice and his kid
for real he loves his fucking kids man and they love him and they're all
empowered like his son is super
confident young and strong and smart and you know he's he's fucking got a real
shot a real shot
you know without anybody's help just from talent just from you know the the
ability to play drums like
that you can do that i really believe you could apply that shit to anything and
if you go to on it
and use the coupon code rogan you get yourself some alpha brain and learn to
function on my level son
so seamless uh people will make fun of me for this alpha brain but you can all
go fuck yourself
if you take it and you don't see any results i think there's something wrong
with your brain you
need to go to a doctor you need to find out or you need to shit you got that
from damn that's huge
tommy buns he just held up his arms and showed his throwing throwing guns
around this room
it's really chucking guns around this room uh no so for real what is alpha
brain it's really
it's all best best explained on on it.com because it was written by sober
people first of all and
second of all uh people who understand science other than my level of
understanding which is
repeating shit that other people understand but i don't ever really understand
do you believe in
evolution um well i think there is certainly a lot of evidence for natural
selection and adaptation
and that it's most likely the way things have evolved but there's some holes in
it there's some
holes yeah we'll talk about it yeah have a question for talk about this in the
middle of a commercial
hey man well this i thought that's the way this shit rolls here i want to thank
on it.com for
supporting us uh we got hacked recently folks and uh we uh had to like severely
upgrade our uh
our um technical system whoever it is that the website interfaces with uh i
learned something new by the way
on passwords uh if you use like a regular word as a password and maybe a number
you know that's okay
but the hardest thing that would take like i forget like 32 years for a
computer to hack is if you just
take three random words and put them together like taco uh fart handicap or
something like that
really yeah and that way the computer will never just the odds that it will get
to that point is like 32
years yeah but then they'll just have a new computer search engine they'll be
like yeah
what bitch and they'll nail it quicker we just need capital and then lowercase
thing i don't think that
matters at all really yeah that's like zero most things aren't case sensitive
yeah but uh
either way on it.com spelled o-n-n-i-t and if you go there and today is the 11th
september 11th
and uh if you go there for one more day use the code got your back and you get
18 off of everything
that includes kettlebells and battle ropes because uh normally the coupon code
uh coupon code of rogan
only works for uh the supplements it doesn't work for the kettlebells and the
battle ropes
the uh reason being is that we sell those literally as cheap as is humanly
possible
but because of this fuck up because the fact that everybody feels terrible that
um this website got
hacked with it we don't know whether or not anybody's uh credit card
information got compromised so far no
one has uh reported any what they call substantiated fraud i think they call it
but uh whatever it is
some scumbags figured out a way to get into our system it's just i thought i
don't understand the way
they do it i i'm completely talking like i'm explaining french to you though i
don't speak french
so i can never really comment but as far as i know i mean this it's really i
think for a lot of
these guys it's fun to see how they can sneak into systems even if they're not
stealing anything
i think it's the game script kids that are just really bright and they figure
out how to sneak
into your system it's all the gains the hunt man they like trying to see how
far they can get
and then you have to some hackerish the other day but i'll talk well let me
yeah let me just get
through with this the so because of that because everybody's very bummed out
about that that you're
uh you know the credit card information's been compromised and if you go to on
it.com forward slash
breach it'll explain all that um it's just an unfortunate aspect of doing
business on the
internet we apologize and nobody uh nobody foresaw it this way uh we've beefed
up the security
considerably so hopefully it won't happen again and whoever hacks us please don't
do
that thanks you don't have to do that that's mean i know you can do it okay we
know you can do it
please don't do it i don't want anybody to get caught and go to jail for
something stupid like that and
you know and if that's how you're making your money how dare you go get a
fucking respectable job you
son of a bitch you're stealing numbers from offline you can't do that i'm a big
fan of you guys
yeah i want to give a shout out powerful shout out to anonymous lulsec shout
out shout out to the
hackers of the world yeah man look that you know there's a certain uh there's a
certain amount of
morals that are on the internet when it comes to uh how things get done as well
you know there's there's
a there's a moral attitude of the internet i think more mirrors society than it
does uh the shit that
you see on television the shit that you see in the news you know there's a like
when anything goes
down like the the difference between like damn we shouldn't do this in a
commercial oh yeah through
this joe joe rogan.net that's my website go to on it.com use uh oh the other
phone yeah yeah that's
not for today though do not sponsor us today. Oh fuck that. It's only a part-time
thing with the ting
we're just trying it out we're seeing how it works the phone is phenomenal
though the samsung
uh galaxy s3 is fucking is the shit. Is it really? It's sweet it's sexy looking.
It's amazing it's
really great it's got a little few every now and then a little hiccup here and
there but it's
really special. I need a new phone. It's a special phone. What's the queefs
about it? Well it just
seems like um i think the the uh iphone is a really well-designed phone man.
Tomorrow. The way
is that tomorrow the new one comes out? The way the the when you the touch
screen first of all is
better than anything on the planet. The best touch screen. The quality of it
feels better than
anything. Like when you have the case on an iphone and you just feel that metal
in glass it's like the
sexiest piece of equipment ever. But you got to walk around with a condom on it
because you know
it's so breakable. Yeah. But but it's still super duper fucking sexy. I mean it's
awesome. You hold on
to that thing. I mean feel that. That's a that's some genius piece of device
and so it's that phone is
always a little better than everything I've tried. The way it interfaces just
cleaner smarter makes more
sense easier to find shit. It's just better. It's like our tiffany jewelry. I
think my phone really started
taking a shit the most today. Really? And it's it's totally because it comes
out tomorrow. I agree.
Yeah. Apple's sending out darts. I swear to god. Electronic darts. The Joe Rogan
experience is
brought to you by onnit.com. Go to o-n-n-i-t. We got to get this podcast
started. This is ridiculous.
That's it. We're not brought to you by anybody else. Go to deskwad.tv though
and pick up some
some funky sexy cat shirts. It has been proven that you're 20 percent more
likely to get your penis
touch if you're wearing a deskwad cat shirt. 20 percent. 20 percent. We have a
43 percent with
alcohol. You add a deskwad shirt and alcohol and someone's going to touch your
penis. And this is a
blind study. Yeah. It's like three out of five times someone's touching your
penis. All right. I feel
good for you. I feel like the odds are strong. Tom Segura is here you dirty
bitches. Let's get it
popping Brian. Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan experience. Train
by day. Joe Rogan
podcast by night. All day. Oh sweetness. Tommy Buns in the fucking house ladies
and gentlemen.
It's good to have you buddy. We're about to uh just talk nonsense and go
through a commercial
and Tommy Buns hits me with do you believe in evolution?
Oh I do. Like throwing heavy handed questions at people man. That's a
fucking right hand bomb to open the round. Well it's just funny to me because I
was watching this
thing about and this guy was like this guy fucking believes that evolution
should be taught in the
classrooms. You know it was like a political ad like that and I was like what
the fuck. Like that
that appeals to somebody that like yeah fuck that guy. He thinks evolution
should be taught. This
guy's a fucking asshole. You're like really like there's that there's there's
actually enough
people that believe like I I'm not uh a science expert so I don't want anyone
to think like wait
a minute. Oh you're about to. You're not a science expert? I know I mean. At
what point do you become
an expert because if you were just you and you lived in the 1400s you'd be a
fucking science expert.
You're probably right. They'd be like electricity is God's way of showing you
his anger. You're like
well no actually it's just some shit that's formed by the clouds in the
atmosphere and my president.
You'd be a fucking scientist. You could explain so much shit to these people.
Well actually I would
just know it and not know how to explain it. They would just be like no no you
draw it. You draw it.
No the earth's round and they'd be like how do you know? I'd be like cuz I've
seen pictures.
You would you would be work with those people for a couple days and you'd be so
annoyed. You're like listen
you have to listen to me. I'm your new king and I'm gonna show you how to build
an airplane.
He would just they'd be like an airplane. What the fuck are you talking about?
Get some wood. Get
some wood. I'm gonna show you. You need this has got to be straight like that.
Think like a bird but
then with the tail up in the air. There's air drafts from above and below.
People would go where did you
get this idea from? I don't know man. They just c