Name: Joe Rogan Experience #268 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz
Uploaded: 2013-06-03T15:47:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #268 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-06-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #268 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-06-03. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #268 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz

I'm not telling you that Vito is going to beat Jon Jones, but something.
Something's going to happen?
Something.
You think?
If anybody could do it, dog.
Vito's a bad motherfucker.
Vito's a bad motherfucker.
He's been around a long time, man.
He's got kicked in the face, and he's had a couple down, but everybody loses to
Anderson
and Silva.
So I ain't ashamed of that, but I was thinking about it the other day, and I
watched the
countdown, and I watched the interview, and I'm like, you know what?
I'm not saying he's going to beat Jon Jones.
But, bro, experience is a motherfucker, Jon Jones.
It is a motherfucker.
The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com.
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Nutrition is the most important thing.
Before supplements, get your fucking nutrition straight, son.
Don't try to be eating cheeseburgers and take Alphabrain and think it's going
to balance itself out.
If you want to be healthy, you've got to eat healthy food.
That's number one.
Number two, get your fucking body in order, son.
Just drop a little body fat.
Drop your working heart, resting heart rate.
You've got to be in shape a little bit, at least a little.
And then start fucking around with vitamins.
But get off your ass, you dirty bitch.
Go to Onnit.com.
Get yourself some kettlebells.
Be all manly as fuck.
Right, Joe Diaz?
Some battle ropes.
Right, cocksuckers.
Some hemp protein powder, you fucking freak bitches.
I didn't get the hemp yet.
Is it good?
Oh, it's delicious.
Oh, it's the best tasty stuff ever.
Well, it's flavored with stevia, so there's no sugar in it.
It's like only one gram of sugar.
It's raw cocoa.
It's maca, which is like something that's supposed to enhance your sexuality.
It's supposed to fire you up.
I don't know if it works.
And then there's the stevia.
The stevia is used as the sweetener for the hemp.
Yeah, chocolate.
That's the flavor.
Yeah, chocolate.
I like chocolate.
And it's the finest quality hemp hearts available.
We just went and got the best shit.
We can only buy 50 pounds of it a day.
It's kind of crazy.
We can't grow it in America.
It's not – you can't get high on it.
You can't test positive.
Like people say, what if I get tested for work?
You cannot test positive.
But oddly enough, if you eat poppy seed bagels, you do test positive for heroin.
It's kind of crazy.
In the halfway house, they'd tell you that.
Yeah, you cannot eat poppy seed bagels, but you can take hemp protein powder.
It doesn't – it's not – there's no THC in it.
But it's illegal to grow anyway.
It's our government's way of fucking you in the ass if you're a farmer.
It's a great crop, and we have to buy it from Canadians.
It's fucking ridiculous.
It has nothing to do with marijuana.
It's completely non-psychoactive.
You eat it.
It's healthy.
It's got a lot of protein in it.
It contains the essential amino acids.
It's a great fiber for making clothes with.
I mean, you can go on and on and on about the benefits of industrial hemp.
Hemp as a commodity.
But there's some creepy shit going on that that's illegal because it makes no
sense.
It doesn't have anything to do – even a little bit.
It has nothing to do with getting high.
It's a really fucking creepy racket.
But it's one that this government is all caught up in, you fucks.
Anyway, go to onnit.com.
Go to deskwatt.tv.
Pick up some delicious cat t-shirts at deskwatt.tv.
There's the new one that the dope ass – what I call the hypno cat because I
believe he's hypnotizing me when I stare at that little creepy fuck.
He is.
It's a very creepy cat.
I love that cat.
His Hitler stash – or his chaplain stash has been removed and now it's a penthouse
keyhole.
So if you have a penthouse key, you can open it.
Oh, really?
Is that what it is?
Well, his just – his hypno ring in the center freaks me the fuck out.
That's a creepy cat.
How high were you when you came up with that one?
Pretty high.
Pretty high, right?
You'd have to be.
Anyway, deskwatt.tv.
Go check it out.
And that's it.
Joe Diaz is here, ladies and gentlemen.
Billy Corbin canceled on us.
The Mad Flavor represents the Joe Rogan experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.
Powerful Joe Diaz.
What's up, beautiful?
Hey, we had a good podcast with Mac Danzig and we were waiting for Billy Corbin,
who's
the director of Cocaine Cowboys.
And then I looked down at my phone and he had been telling me that he had to
cancel.
So you were close by.
He said, fuck it.
Let's drop in anyway.
No, I was –
I was on the 5, getting on the 134 when he called the first time.
And I just got in the right-hand lane, right?
And I just did 65 like the rest of the civilians.
Yeah.
When you called back, I was on Forest Lawn.
And I fucking kicked that into that HOV lane.
I had the Sons of Anarchy behind me.
I had this black biker behind me.
So I knew if the cops were going to pull anybody, he was going down first.
He was my beard.
I got in front of him in the HOV lane and I just shot that motherfucker hell-bent
for
all the way until you called me and said, nah, we're going to –
and I said, hold on, I'm back in the HOV lane and I went two cars and there was
an unmarked
police car in the right-hand lane.
He didn't even see me.
I just slipped right back behind him and I took my time after that.
I just stayed at 65 like a fucking savage.
Yeah, that's like a thing that we do out here.
You roll the dice in the HOV lane for a little bit.
400 bucks?
Is this what it is?
460.
And if you cross the line –
And is it a license point?
Like when I go for it, I go for the 920 package.
I go for the $920 package.
That's – you go over the line and you – because you can only cut into HOV
where
the lines say you're permitted.
Right.
So I do the 960 package, which 920 in court, all together, court costs.
You got to drop 100 for the victim compensation fund, another 100 from the deaf
kids from Chinese
society.
You're going to run into about $1,600 a fucking day.
What is it about minivans in fucking Southern California that makes them think
they should
be in the left lane?
Kills you.
It's ridiculous.
Anywhere in this great country of ours, when you drive and there's somebody
doing 65 in
the left-hand lane.
They get out of your way.
They get out of your way.
Only in California, they'll sit there and fucking torment you.
And they'll give you the finger.
Like they don't think that they should have to move.
It's something that never made it out here.
Back where I grew up, the highways were more narrow.
There was a lot of two-lane highways.
So it was just good citizenship.
Getting out of the lane, there was only two lanes.
So if you're in the left lane, you're trying to go fast.
If you're in the right lane, you're going slow.
But these douchebags have this wealth of lanes.
They have six, seven, eight lanes.
Like, you can go around me.
Why don't you just go around me?
Why don't you just not be in the fast lane, you twat?
Just in the fucking twat lane number two and do 65.
Don't be a bother.
You're going 60 miles an hour in a minivan, and you're mad that people don't
want you in their way.
That's ridiculous.
You don't have to be in the left lane.
That's for passing people, you stupid fuck.
And the worst is like when I go up north.
Like when you go up north in the 101, after you pass a certain, it's beautiful.
It opens right the fuck up.
It's beautiful driving.
And here you are doing fucking 80.
You're on cruise.
You got the Eagles Hotel California.
Yeah.
And you get behind a fucking 750.
That's doing 65.
And that's when I really start to burn.
I'm thinking to myself, for starters, he's a Jew driving a German car.
How confused is this cocksucker?
This cocksucker.
This motherfucker's got no loyalty to his people.
Right?
That's number one.
Number two.
Number two, he's doing 65.
If I got a seven car, it's because the only reason I would buy a seven series
is if when
a cop pulls me over, I could rip the ticket in his face and call my attorney.
That's the only way I would drive a seven.
If I could do 90 all the time, Joe.
If not, I don't see the beauty in it.
I don't see it.
Unless you're going to do 90, then it's okay to get a seven.
You mean like a seven series BMW?
A 753?
A five?
If you got a three, you should shoot yourself.
That's a Toyota fucking Corolla.
You just paid more.
You wanted to impress people.
You know, that's your deuce right there.
You're talking about this three series BMW?
Yeah.
I have an M3.
No, but you have an M3.
It's a big fucking difference.
It's a beautiful car.
I love that car.
But the people that get the three holding on to I'm famous type things.
Great cars.
Joey, Eddie has a three.
I understand.
That fucking thing drives brilliantly.
But there's some people who can't afford the three that get it.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
And basically, it's a fucking Lexus fucking RX.
Well, they have a smaller one than that.
They have an I.
They have a tiny one.
They have an IM.
It's this like tiny little buzz mobile, but it looks like a fucking hell of a
lot of fun.
Why don't you show me that Porsche?
Yeah, the one that some guy.
How much does that Porsche grow wholesale?
Retail?
I think that's a...
A hundred.
He's got a 991, which is the newest generation.
It's more than a hundred.
Okay.
That's a Carrera, so you might be able to get that one for less than a hundred.
It's not the Carrera S.
You pull me over with that car, and I'm like, yes, officer.
Do you know how fast you were doing?
It doesn't matter, because this is how I do it.
What license?
I don't have it.
Give me the ticket.
You rip it up.
You give it to him.
You give him the name of your fucking attorney.
He's got a yarmulke on it with a star going through it.
There you go.
Call him in 10 minutes.
He'll tell you what's going to do.
A shooting star coming out of his yarmulke.
There's a picture of Jesus bleeding on the floor and shit here.
Remember that, all right, cocksucker?
Take this, cocksucker.
You're going to pull me off with doing 90.
I'm in Northern California.
You know, when you get up here, it's beautiful to drive.
You can't, you know, 6 in the morning do your thing.
Yeah, but that area is filled with cops waiting to bag you.
Waiting for you.
I've seen it.
I got pulled over one night on the 130, because there's parts when you're
coming from the 101 North,
where it becomes hilly.
And you get caught up on those motherfucking hills late night.
You got the music on.
You listen to the radio, whatever.
You're on the phone with your buddies.
When you go over that hill, look at your speedometer.
Yeah.
You're doing 90.
Yeah.
By mistake.
You're not really.
You're doing 90.
They come right behind you.
Yeah, there's a lot of spots where they wait.
Yeah, they wait.
The ride to San Francisco is fucking parking ticket central, or driving,
speeding ticket central.
You got to really, you got to stick to the law.
And that's, around LA, that's the one leniency we have.
There's not that many cops.
I'm going to tell you what was ticket city.
Boulder.
Really?
The cops in Boulder had this thing by, and they were telling me the statistic
once.
It was like one of the highest on the national average.
This is in the 80s.
Right.
But on that one, Iris.
Iris takes you into Longmont.
Okay, on Iris, in between 28th and 30th Street, they would nail more people.
It was like a national.
They just sit there by the mental health center, and they get you on that 20
with the blinking
li