Name: Joe Rogan Experience #382 - Greg Fitzsimmons
Uploaded: 2013-08-09T00:15:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #382 - Greg Fitzsimmons' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-08-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #382 - Greg Fitzsimmons' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-08-09. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #382 - Greg Fitzsimmons

hey freaks what's happening friends people offended by freak you too
what the fuck's going on don't say tranny you're not allowed to say that
anymore
it's a new one they removed tranny tranny's bad now even if you're saying that
right now
it's very dangerous you removed to make a tranny also oh you son of a bitch you
rearrange
you rearrange you're not supposed to say that anymore it's transgender you
recycle
even if you love transgender people you're not allowed to say that like even if
you have
nothing but love in your heart tranny's out now it's offensive i'll never be
able to embrace it i
i accept it and i honor it but it fucking it does not me my head can't wrap
around it
you know what your head can wrap around greg fitzsimmons legalzoom.com god let
me tell you kid
um if you ever have had to do anything uh legal involving like saying like
setting up
setting up a corporation it's kind of a pain in the ass you got to go to
someone's office got
to pay some dude a lot of money cost me a ton of money yeah well you can do it
on legal zoom
for 99 bucks they'll they'll talk you through it if you run into troubles they
can connect you with
an independent attorney if you need additional guidance independent attorney so
if you get to
one of those situations where you're like you know what i think i might be
fucked and you're
looking at all you've created and you're like i don't think this is legal i don't
think i know
what i'm doing like ah they'll hook you up and um legal zoom they want to
emphasize that it's not a
law firm they provide self-help services at your specific direction but if you
need things like if
you need to write a will or need to do something along those lines you can do
that online with legal
zoom with legal zoom.com and it makes it much easier than than going somewhere
i mean this is where
the world is coming eventually you're going to be able to do everything on your
fucking computer
i mean just like stamps.com this is the same kind of thing you're going to be
able to do these things
on your computer and legal zoom.com is an excellent example of that the past 12
years over two million
americans have used it and they they saved a ton of money it's an excellent
excellent service so go
check them out craigfoot simmons and use the code name rogan in the referral
box for even more
savings all right my friends boom shall lock lock boom on it.com that's the
other sponsor if you go
to o-n-n-i-t and use the code name rogan you will save 10 off any and all
supplements that's mike dolce
and he knows a lot about food but apparently he thinks you can eat wheat i
gotta talk to him about
that gotta find out when i'm if i'm wasting my time not eating wheat i'm all
gluten free right now
gregfoot simmons i heard wheat is the shit that's the new thing is it is the
complete food source
really yeah that's all that's all you need that that's that it's the best food
source that is the
the best in terms of the amount of different nutrients and fiber it's uh there
you go you
see people that drink shots of wheatgrass that's true yeah yeah that is true is
that the same though
as wheatgrass the same as wheat i don't think it is well it doesn't shit doesn't
fucking look like it
brown shit that we have in ohio that you chew on and when you're thinking about
things
when you want to look like uncle barry finn
right right um uh i don't know i'm trying gluten free for a while seeing how it
works so far works
so good but mike dolce has got a ultimate grocery guide up there on on it you
can learn more about
that mike dolce is a uh a guy that a lot of the mma fighters use for uh their
uh nutrition uh counseling
he's just a really smart guy when it comes to uh diet uh so i gotta ask him
about this wheat thing
find out what's good or bad about it but mostly what we sell on on it is things
that can enhance
human performance all stuff like strength and conditioning equipment
supplements like hemp
protein powder and things along those lines it's all just things that if you
use them on a regular
basis they can enhance human performance whether it's medicine balls or
weighted vests or kettlebell
cardio dvds all the stuff that we sell the idea is that it's going to enhance
if you use it and you
work out with it it'll enhance the way your body works if you take the
supplements it'll enhance
the way your body functions i want big muscles you should get some i need some
i need bigger muscles
are you ready yeah commit yeah because i've got all the time though i've got a
big mouth i need to
start backing it up at almost 50 you're like fuck it right it's time to really
knuckle up i'm not
gonna get tough except that's i'm tired of being the guy with the sand kicked
in his face o-n-n-i-t
use the code name rogan save yourself 10 off any and all supplements greg fitzsimmons
is in the
fucking house my friends cue it brian
sweet sweet greg fitzsimmons you beautiful savage you always good to see my
friend what a what a hang
this is gonna be baby kicking back got some girl scout cookies and your special
coffee what's it
called it's called bulletproof coffee oh man that goes down smooth it's a dave
asprey creation he
he invented creating coffee with grass-fed butter and mct oil medium triglyceride
oil oil it's it
gives you a caffeine high and it's a lip balm yeah it keeps you greasy um the
idea with it is that
because it has the caffeine uh blended in with the butter and the mct oil that
it's more of a slow
release effect right it takes your body a while to digest it as opposed to like
coffee just go
right in your bloodstream and you don't get the crash with this exactly yeah
exactly yeah that's
how they do medicinal uh marijuana stuff is in the butter right yes yes i do
not know the i've never
made anything and never cooked anything i don't know the process but i know
there's something involved
cooking it to to activate the thc in an edible form i think though that you can
get high with it and if
you just eat if you just eat it on its own yeah i think you have to eat an ass
load of it i think
it's like it's no joke right you have to like have salads right then maybe you
can catch like a
little bit of a buzz that's the new wheat man yeah cannabis salads did you hear
about sanjay gupta
right cnn fucking incredible i mean first of all props to cnn for for airing
this and this guy for
coming out with this this is incredibly controversial stance this guy sanjay gupta
he went and over the
last year he was working on a documentary called weed and even he's he before
he started this project
he thought that marijuana was bad for you he thought marijuana was addictive he
thought that marijuana was
you know something that should be avoided and at the end of this project he's
writing this story
apologizing he says i apologize because i didn't look hard enough until now i
didn't look far enough
i didn't review papers from smaller labs in other countries doing some
remarkable remarkable research
and i was too dismissive of the loud chorus of legitimate patients whose
symptoms improved on cannabis
instead i lumped them in with the high visibility maliners is that how you say
that maliners just looking to get high
i mistakenly believe the drug enforcement agency listed marijuana as a schedule
one substance because of
sound scientific proof surely they must have quality reasoning as to why
marijuana is in the category of the
most dangerous drugs that have no accepted medical use and use a high potential
for abuse so he wrote this
long article i want to keep reading it and he also admitted he was wrong that's
the really as a doctor
to go on on camera and say i was wrong i wonder though this this almost makes
me wonder it's it's it
almost seems like some sort of a shift in policy because the the reality of cnn
and msnbc and fox news
these are giant companies they're huge companies they don't just say things
they don't just say whatever the
fuck they want to say right none of that gets done it all go it has to go
through a bunch of people
and they have to decide what are we are we doing this what are we doing are we
going to print this
is this going to piss off ted turner yeah who's going to who's going to get
upset by this is going
to cost anybody money are we okay with this should we should we move in this
direction and then they
print a story like this because i just got to think that something as big as cnn
like they could
have said like maybe in the 80s if you tried to print the story they would have
been like bitch get the
fuck out of here right we're not putting this on the air well especially
because nancy reagan had
just declared the war on drugs yes exactly the just say no era that's when you
and i started doing
comedy it was like what a beautiful like kickstart everybody had to their act
right there was always
a drug war joke because it was so preposterous kitty dukakis drinking uh
rubbing alcohol and and war on
drugs nobody remembers that story that was when mike dukakis was running for
president and he was he had
done a he had a couple of blunders the tank thing the tank thing hurt him he
got in a tank and put like
a soldier's outfit on and let them take pictures of him and everybody was like
what the fuck because
he was the wimpiest human being but he was like worse than ross perot yeah they
they wanted to improve
his image yeah as a leader and so that was he looked like um he looked like a
snail like this
little wrinkly neck sticking out it was like pale white face and he was one of
those guys he's he's
like um ralph nader in that he doesn't give a fuck that his suit isn't from brooks
brothers and
well taylor it's like asshole you're running for president you actually have to
take the time to get a decent
suit there's the picture oh my god look at him look at that shit who told you
to do that he's got like a
full helmet on and shit what does he do now i haven't heard anything about him
in a long time probably
a professor it's a good question oh my god can you imagine if that that was
your teacher in school
well he's obviously a brilliant man you know i think the the the idea of
running for president
it must be so fucking incredibly stressful i mean that that you see a woman
just completely lose it
and start drinking rubbing alcohol i mean she just she's so she needs to get
tanked up so bad and
there's nothing in the house she's drinking aftershave betty ford oh fuck man
they were all drunks
imagine the pressure of the white house just wrap your head around the pressure
of making all the
decisions of pressure of being the guy everywhere you go there's fucking
security everywhere around
you bulletproof cars and getting on jets and flying to other countries and you're
like the center
of the the representation of the conflict in the world like fuck not only that
people are talking
about like um those those fishermen that go out in in alaska and it's the most
dangerous job
how about this how about this statistic i i looked this up i counted maybe i
counted wrong but i think
10 percent of presidents have been killed in office or died in office so what
other job would have a
10 percent chance of you dying in four years not in the life of the job god so
you know you got that
hanging over your head the two best ones ever assassinated right lincoln kennedy
i mean those
are the the heroes those are the james deans of presidents right you know if
you look back at like
who's the the who's the bad motherfuckers the president's the guys that got
killed yeah yeah those are the
ones we miss those are the ones that they that that was the one they were gonna
do it they were gonna
fix it well and on the other side reagan was that guy and they tried to kill
him well reagan wagen was
a totally different animal you know it's interesting how reagan like it over
time has become like
something that's much more acceptable to like absolutely well time always whitewashes
i mean
henry kissinger the guy is he can't leave the country because he woul