Name: Joey Diaz Prison Stories (from Joe Rogan Experience #39)
Uploaded: 2013-10-03T22:43:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz Prison Stories (from Joe Rogan Experience #39)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-10-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz Prison Stories (from Joe Rogan Experience #39)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-10-03. Transcript available.

the Joe Rogan experience okay what was uh tell what happened with uh didn't you
have someone
hostage can you talk yeah yeah in 1987 I was uh 27 years old whatever I was
working in Boulder
I was going to school at night and I was snorting coke with three hands and I
fucking uh got involved
with some kid and he was gonna rob his roommate and ended up robbing them both
of them and then
the guy that I had a partner was gonna rob me what a tangle web we weave when
we tangled to
deceive and it just so happens that the guy got caught like I told the guy I
didn't want nothing
to do with it even though I had the coke with me I sent the coke to Aspen but
the other guy the guy
that tried to rob me he ended up getting pulled over with the guy we kidnapped
in the trunk of his car
all fucking bandled up and shit so I got arrested for the kid now I'm
kidnapping too and everything but
you know what I fucked up it wasn't because I fucked up it wasn't because
America listen bro
10 to 7 I got a ticket this morning for $200 10 to 7 this morning
both of you motherfuckers were sleeping I was going to Tai Chi at 7 so I had to
drive there so my wife said if you have to go
to Tai Chi at 7 you might as well drop me off at the train station I usually
walk her every
morning to the train station but I drove her there was a lunch truck there I
couldn't pull over so I
pulled by where she crosses the street when I made the right when I made the
left there was a cop on me
he goes bro the bus driver's complaining he goes it's a thousand dollar ticket
I have to give you a $200
ticket for parking instead is that okay and I took the ticket I was not angry
at him I went to Tai Chi I did my thing
I didn't mention it he did his job this is America he did his fucking job you
follow I'm saying to you a lot of people
who got pissed off at this guy for pulling me over he did his fucking job you
know when I kidnapped that
guy I kidnapped him I did that I got four years I got all fucking easy they
should have thrown me in
there for 10 fucking years but people don't really how much time did you
actually do 18 months 16 months
that's a long time it cost me two years of my life you don't know what your
life how precious is it
horrible no it wasn't horrible I was doing standing on my head but the only
people that's gangster talk
the old I could do that time standing on my head time bro and you do time guys
like you don't it's
just another day in paradise they're gonna take us to a place where we get the
bullshit about jujitsu
instead of two hours a day eight hours a day you follow me and you eat and
whatever your freedom gets
lost which sucks but it's the people at home it's not you or whatever we could
I could do whatever
the fuck I get bro my genes are from Cuba motherfucker tell me about I smoked
the weed
Castro smoked before he went to the mountains to take over you understand me
now what was a typical
day in prison like for you like at that six months you're in there six months
what's a typical day
living like a doctor you liked it bro you gotta remember I went to prison for
four years I got
sentenced but guess what I became I became a stand-up comic I learned how to do
stand-up
in prison on Thursday what they used to have movie night I didn't even know
that dog they used to
have movie night on Thursday night so the projector would always fuck up like
you stream it would
always fuck up Joey talking the microphone it would always fuck up so on
Thursdays the people just
jokingly I would always go what the fuck is wrong with the projector and
everybody would say Cuba get
up there and talk so I would go up there on Thursday nights it was you know 200
people and like 100
of them were black so they go Cuba go up there and talk and I would make fun of
the black guys like what
would be what would you say you know we make fun of the kitchen you know like
the fucking kitchen
this is the beginnings of your stand-up career you know we should make fun I
used to be that's how the
movie starts I fucking the first day in prison they made me a baker you know
you don't you don't tell
people what you want it's like Cuba like yeah on the outside I was a mechanic
really well in here
you're a baker you know what I'm saying here's a book learn how to make bagels
and I made these cinnamon
rolls dog that almost blew up the kitchen right these motherfuckers were big so
that afternoon they
fired me as a baker and they made me a fucking dishwasher and a stock room
clerk right so I was
a dishwasher and a stock room clerk and whenever they had shitty meals the guys
I knew when they
were going through the line I would yell don't do it so I would go don't do it
how often were the meals
bad three times a week but it didn't matter because at lunchtime I was allowed
to go to the store for
15 minutes I worked it out where I had to drive to take garbage out so I would
go to the store for 15
minutes not only that I would call in my own at the Chinese restaurant so it
would be ready by the
time I got there so I would go back to the prison with Chinese food and
groceries that's how strong
I was in there plus I didn't fuck around in there plus they were doing steroids
and selling drugs
in prison please like a motherfucker so I was in the stock room clerk so they
had to pay me rent
so I because they never expected you stocked you stocked I would say yeah I'll
hold your roids
you gotta give me three dollars you know
you gotta give me some cigarettes so I had roids cigarettes I had pills in
their lap they weren't
mine they just belonged to other people but you put them under pallets so I
would give them a key
whenever they needed to go take shit out so they knew where the connection I
was that I was to know I
was the holder plus how did they get the steroids and somebody had to put it up
their ass yeah whatever
I don't know I don't know I never imagine shooting a steroid in your way how do
they smuggle it in again
up their ass and then they get then they put it where their contact visits
right
what you do is you take your fucking kid and you fill his pockets with the
young
youngs and while you're making out with your husband you say you want to see
the
kid you pass the kid to the husband and he takes the drugs out then he gives
you
back the ugly kid that's how Henry Hill did it that's how they do it same shit
it's no you could bro there's more drugs on the inside there was there was on
the
outside and to boot this was a minimum security camp we had contact visits when
you
have a contact visit there's parties every night
these motherfuckers that's the first time I did it no I was like the second
time I did heroin
was it and I couldn't do a needle so the Mexicans took a Mexican thing of
heroin melted it I had to
put like a funnel in my nose made out of paper and they dripped it in my nose
and I got up I had
like candle wick burning out of my nose what the fuck is this they're like that's
heroin man
be cool I was like this for like a day and the white dudes the bikers would
give me speed
and they would play basketball all fucking night
they'd be out there and I'd be out there with them huffing every week was a new
adventure
I did every drug but the drug of every
it's crazy you had a great time in college
there could be dude that's a movie that's the movie minimum security prison
where everyone's partying and it's just the greatest time ever and it's like a
bum like when you got when you when you when you you know
you get released it's like
funeral which is even better talking to Mike people keep complaining about I
was I was I
was I was I was when I go to the halfway house it was even better because I
started
loaning money out to the index as a loan shot yeah thanks yeah because they
want to go out but if your
rent's not paid on Thursday you're not allowed for the weekend so the rent
would be $65 I give him 65 and 92
you know I'm saying like I'm gonna give you $65 you gotta give me 92 tomorrow
and I had 10 guys on that row but I was a fucking machine in there the biggest
scam I had at the camp the biggest scam I had was with there was an old Italian
dude
from Brooklyn he was like a half a mobster and he had pool cards and he could
only do one card a week
he would make like 30 bucks and I went up to him I go bro you have a problem
with these cards I go you
you're giving them to white guys you're not getting the black population you're
not getting the fucking
specs and he goes I don't know they won't talk to me I said give me the fucking
cards we're gonna go
partners he went from selling one card every Monday to doing 10 with me
because I had the brothers I had the youngs I had the Puerto Ricans I had the
whites I had everybody
and it was amazing that's why I really learned that I could really fucking do
this
so on Thursday nights they would say Cuba fuck the movie just go up there and
talk about the kitchen
and they were all the yams would yell don't do it
it was hysterical it was fucking hysterical
and I would just talk about that and then I had this one crazy black guy this
guy was Anton Spencer
his name was Spencer Antoine from New Orleans and he was crazy and he told me
he told me he was in
there for eight years for involuntary manslaughter and he was my mentor that
was my dog Jack he was
fucking nuts and he would tell me about like one day some guy nailed him two
dollars and he comes to
the kitchen he goes did you see that guy and I go no I think he's packing and
leaving this
motherfucker went and got a knife he got him at the gate the guy was getting
out of jail he's like
motherfucker you better give him my two dollars I was blown away I'm like this
guy was
old and his parents and family had money they're they're like the best attorney
from bro this guy
killed somebody with his hands and he got eight years a black guy in in uh in
LA downtown LA because
I was in the federal place he beat him with his fucking hands and got eight
years and he did four
for involuntary manslaughter he had like fifty thousand dollar attorneys this
guy but he had a
knife he had a gold tooth in his mouth he was one of those brothers and shit
that his eyes would go
crazy I went in there every Thursday I get on stage and then one day this is
fucked up Joe Rogan this
is why I really dig you because one day the guy in the library was like a nerdy
dude the guy that ran
the library and I was friends with him we did acid he was very into Nostradamus
and you know he was
intelligent but he had just he had some problem or something he went to prison
and the funny thing was
that one day he came up to me in the jail and a notebook was a big thing and I
was getting ready to get out
and I never even thought about it he came up to me one day he goes hey bro I
got your notebook
and I go what's the notebook for he goes so when you get out you can write some
jokes he goes
he goes every week you write jokes I never see the notebook and I looked at him
and I go
I don't even write and this motherfucker went nuts he goes you don't write and
you go up there
every week and do that he goes when you get out of here you it was like an
angel it was like an
angel I never seen the guy again I never heard from him again he just goes what
I watch you do you
really need to write and get it together well because you have a gift just
pursue this and that
guy never even talked to me like he never used to talk to me at all just set it
out of the blue
out of the blue came up to me when they goes hey wait wait the black guy right
no white guy a white
nerdy guy that was like a really nerdy guy that would always roll his own
cigarettes so some random
guy came up random he goes you got talent yeah do you think do you think that
if you didn't go to
prison if you didn't have that experience of talking in front of those people
that you probably never
would have done stand-up or stand-up something that was in the back your head
anyway it was in
the back of my head the prison really woke the animal up because not only
thought about it before
I had thought I had bro if anybody because you had to be funny before prison
right anybody who heard
yeah the nigga's crazy by Richard Pryor you had to think of he pushed it so
hard in that
so but before prison you were always the life of the party and all that kind of
shit yeah I thought
I was always good at the deli I was you love telling stories yeah I was always
good with that shit and
then the thing that really got me was when you go to prison they do a
diagnostic on you and I like to
get an attorney now to really that's the only thing that irks me about my life
like a lot of times
people say oh I slept with this guy with me is I always wanted to know was on
that paperwork
because it was an intense psychological evaluation it just wasn't a guy with a
piece of paper saying
what do you think when you see a star like they put shit in my head electrodes
and all this shit it was
three days of mental testing and it was eating me alive and I wanted to know I
kept asking the
counselor who was from Mississippi he hated black people he hated spics he told
me to my face
my counselor told me he goes I hate he goes I hate all you bug fuckers spics
and niggas I mean
that's how he thought that was my counselor oh my god and he said to me he goes
I go bro what
his name is mr. blue I go what are you gonna fucking tell me what's on there
and one day he's
like you really want me to tell you what's on here bug fucker that's what he
would call me to my face
bug fucker he goes I'll tell you what's on here mr. bug fucker it said that if
you really wanted
something and I had it that you would take it from me he goes now you do what
the fuck you want with
that and he threw me out of his office and I felt like a thief for three days
that's what I read it
at but what he was trying to tell me was that anything I wanted in my life that's
what that said
that I could do anything you want dog you could do do it that's what he was
saying that's what he
was trying to beat around and like calling you a bug fucker no by saying what
he said right
lady came up to me he goes hey did you understand where I was going with that
he goes you're a smart
guy you're not one of these guys use you know this is an experience tell us
about your first stand-up
gig do you remember it yeah I remember what made you go up that night do you
consider the ones in
prison your first stand-up gigs I'm talking about first official at a club like
your first time you
went up like but I'm it's I'm thinking that if you did it how many times you do
it in prison
you really were doing like open mic night I was doing every Thursday for sure
if that's not a movie I don't know a bunch of times so you had material did you
have material
planned out did you have stuff that you repeated no what was the first club is
for you imagine
repeating a joke in front of those young shit and all those crazy woke out Mexicans
that's the first
time I really knew about the whole heritage and they would sneak in fucking
green chili burritos
tremendous really brought what who had the best tattoo artists was it the
Mexican Mexicans Mexicans
always have while that I was in jail with generations of Mexicans at one time I
was in jail with the
grandfather the Aiella's the father and the son whoa whoa that's really what
you start seeing that
thing you're like wow and he's a being a movie right now like this is fucking
crazy and I always wanted to
shoot somebody and be a criminal I didn't you know I always thought about that
my life deserved more
than to spend it in here that's what prison did for me bro it was if people
come up to me go how bad
I was prison prison is how bad you make it for me for fucking me it opened my
eyes I became a standup comic
son we are broadcasting to iTunes oh shit iTunes we're recording to server get
the fuck out of here server

Joey Diaz Prison Stories (from Joe Rogan Experience #39)

the Joe Rogan experience okay what was uh tell what happened with uh didn't you
have someone
hostage can you talk yeah yeah in 1987 I was uh 27 years old whatever I was
working in Boulder
I was going to school at night and I was snorting coke with three hands and I
fucking uh got involved
with some kid and he was gonna rob his roommate and ended up robbing them both
of them and then
the guy that I had a partner was gonna rob me what a tangle web we weave when
we tangled to
deceive and it just so happens that the guy got caught like I told the guy I
didn't want nothing
to do with it even though I had the coke with me I sent the coke to Aspen but
the other guy the guy
that tried to rob me he ended up getting pulled over with the guy we kidnapped
in the trunk of his car
all fucking bandled up and shit so I got arrested for the kid now I'm
kidnapping too and everything but
you know what I fucked up it wasn't because I fucked up it wasn't because
America listen bro
10 to 7 I got a ticket this morning for $200 10 to 7 this morning
both of you motherfuckers were sleeping I was going to Tai Chi at 7 so I had to
drive there so my wife said if you have to go
to Tai Chi at 7 you might as well drop me off at the train station I usually
walk her every
morning to the train station but I drove her there was a lunch truck there I
couldn't pull over so I
pulled by where she crosses the street when I made the right when I made the
left there was a cop on me
he goes bro the bus driver's complaining he goes it's a thousand dollar ticket
I have to give you a $200
ticket for parking instead is that okay and I took the ticket I was not angry
at him I went to Tai Chi I did my thing
I didn't mention it he did his job this is America he did his fucking job you
follow I'm saying to you a lot of people
who got pissed off at this guy for pulling me over he did his fucking job you
know when I kidnapped that
guy I kidnapped him I did that I got four years I got all fucking easy they
should have thrown me in
there for 10 fucking years but people don't really how much time did you
actually do 18 months 16 months
that's a long time it cost me two years of my life you don't know what your
life how precious is it
horrible no it wasn't horrible I was doing standing on my head but the only
people that's gangster talk
the old I could do that time standing on my head time bro and you do time guys
like you don't it's
just another day in paradise they're gonna take us to a place where we get the
bullshit about jujitsu
instead of two hours a day eight hours a day you follow me and you eat and
whatever your freedom gets
lost which sucks but it's the people at home it's not you or whatever we could
I could do whatever
the fuck I get bro my genes are from Cuba motherfucker tell me about I smoked
the weed
Castro smoked before he went to the mountains to take over you understand me
now what was a typical
day in prison like for you like at that six months you're in there six months
what's a typical day
living like a doctor you liked it bro you gotta remember I went to prison for
four years I got
sentenced but guess what I became I became a stand-up comic I learned how to do
stand-up
in prison on Thursday what they used to have movie night I didn't even know
that dog they used to
have movie night on Thursday night so the projector would always fuck up like
you stream it would
always fuck up Joey talking the microphone it would always fuck up so on
Thursdays the people just
jokingly I would always go what the fuck is wrong with the projector and
everybody would say Cuba get
up there and talk so I would go up there on Thursday nights it was you know 200
people and like 100
of them were black so they go Cuba go up there and talk and I would make fun of
the black guys like what
would be what would you say you know we make fun of the kitchen you know like
the fucking kitchen
this is the beginnings of your stand-up career you know we should make fun I
used to be that's how the
movie starts I fucking the first day in prison they made me a baker you know
you don't you don't tell
people what you want it's like Cuba like yeah on the outside I was a mechanic
really well in here
you're a baker you know what I'm saying here's a book learn how to make bagels
and I made these cinnamon
rolls dog that almost blew up the kitchen right these motherfuckers were big so
that afternoon they
fired me as a baker and they made me a fucking dishwasher and a stock room
clerk right so I was
a dishwasher and a stock room clerk and whenever they had shitty meals the guys
I knew when they
were going through the line I would yell don't do it so I would go don't do it
how often were the meals
bad three times a week but it didn't matter because at lunchtime I was allowed
to go to the store for
15 minutes I worked it out where I had to drive to take garbage out so I would
go to the store for 15
minutes not only that I would call in my own at the Chinese restaurant so it
would be ready by the
time I got there so I would go back to the prison with Chinese food and
groceries that's how strong
I was in there plus I didn't fuck around in there plus they were doing steroids
and selling drugs
in prison please like a motherfucker so I was in the stock room clerk so they
had to pay me rent
so I because they never expected you stocked you stocked I would say yeah I'll
hold your roids
you gotta give me three dollars you know
you gotta give me some cigarettes so I had roids cigarettes I had pills in
their lap they weren't
mine they just belonged to other people but you put them under pallets so I
would give them a key
whenever they needed to go take shit out so they knew where the connection I
was that I was to know I
was the holder plus how did they get the steroids and somebody had to put it up
their ass yeah whatever
I don't know I don't know I never imagine shooting a steroid in your way how do
they smuggle it in again
up their ass and then they get then they put it where their contact visits
right
what you do is you take your fucking kid and you fill his pockets with the
young
youngs and while you're making out with your husband you say you want to see
the
kid you pass the kid to the husband and he takes the drugs out then he gives
you
back the ugly kid that's how Henry Hill did it that's how they do it same shit
it's no you could bro there's more drugs on the inside there was there was on
the
outside and to boot this was a minimum security camp we had contact visits when
you
have a contact visit there's parties every night
these motherfuckers that's the first time I did it no I was like the second
time I did heroin
was it and I couldn't do a needle so the Mexicans took a Mexican thing of
heroin melted it I had to
put like a funnel in my nose made out of paper and they dripped it in my nose
and I got up I had
like candle wick burning out of my nose what the fuck is this they're like that's
heroin man
be cool I was like this for like a day and the white dudes the bikers would
give me speed
and they would play basketball all fucking night
they'd be out there and I'd be out there with them huffing every week was a new
adventure
I did every drug but the drug of every
it's crazy you had a great time in college
there could be dude that's a movie that's the movie minimum security prison
where everyone's partying and it's just the greatest time ever and it's like a
bum like when you got when you when you when you you know
you get released it's like
funeral which is even better talking to Mike people keep complaining about I
was I was I
was I was I was when I go to the halfway house it was even better because I
started
loaning money out to the index as a loan shot yeah thanks yeah because they
want to go out but if your
rent's not paid on Thursday you're not allowed for the weekend so the rent
would be $65 I give him 65 and 92
you know I'm saying like I'm gonna give you $65 you gotta give me 92 tomorrow
and I had 10 guys on that row but I was a fucking machine in there the biggest
scam I had at the camp the biggest scam I had was with there was an old Italian
dude
from Brooklyn he was like a half a mobster and he had pool cards and he could
only do one card a week
he would make like 30 bucks and I went up to him I go bro you have a problem
with these cards I go you
you're giving them to white guys you're not getting the black population you're
not getting the fucking
specs and he goes I don't know they won't talk to me I said give me the fucking
cards we're gonna go
partners he went from selling one card every Monday to doing 10 with me
because I had the brothers I had the youngs I had the Puerto Ricans I had the
whites I had everybody
and it was amazing that's why I really learned that I could really fucking do
this
so on Thursday nights they would say Cuba fuck the movie just go up there and
talk about the kitchen
and they were all the yams would yell don't do it
it was hysterical it was fucking hysterical
and I would just talk about that and then I had this one crazy black guy this
guy was Anton Spencer
his name was Spencer Antoine from New Orleans and he was crazy and he told me
he told me he was in
there for eight years for involuntary manslaughter and he was my mentor that
was my dog Jack he was
fucking nuts and he would tell me about like one day some guy nailed him two
dollars and he comes to
the kitchen he goes did you see that guy and I go no I think he's packing and
leaving this
motherfucker went and got a knife he got him at the gate the guy was getting
out of jail he's like
motherfucker you better give him my two dollars I was blown away I'm like this
guy was
old and his parents and family had money they're they're like the best attorney
from bro this guy
killed somebody with his hands and he got eight years a black guy in in uh in
LA downtown LA because
I was in the federal place he beat him with his fucking hands and got eight
years and he did four
for involuntary manslaughter he had like fifty thousand dollar attorneys this
guy but he had a
knife he had a gold tooth in his mouth he was one of those brothers and shit
that his eyes would go
crazy I went in there every Thursday I get on stage and then one day this is
fucked up Joe Rogan this
is why I really dig you because one day the guy in the library was like a nerdy
dude the guy that ran
the library and I was friends with him we did acid he was very into Nostradamus
and you know he was
intelligent but he had just he had some problem or something he went to prison
and the funny thing was
that one day he came up to me in the jail and a notebook was a big thing and I
was getting ready to get out
and I never even thought about it he came up to me one day he goes hey bro I
got your notebook
and I go what's the notebook for he goes so when you get out you can write some
jokes he goes
he goes every week you write jokes I never see the notebook and I looked at him
and I go
I don't even write and this motherfucker went nuts he goes you don't write and
you go up there
every week and do that he goes when you get out of here you it was like an
angel it was like an
angel I never seen the guy again I never heard from him again he just goes what
I watch you do you
really need to write and get it together well because you have a gift just
pursue this and that
guy never even talked to me like he never used to talk to me at all just set it
out of the blue
out of the blue came up to me when they goes hey wait wait the black guy right
no white guy a white
nerdy guy that was like a really nerdy guy that would always roll his own
cigarettes so some random
guy came up random he goes you got talent yeah do you think do you think that
if you didn't go to
prison if you didn't have that experience of talking in front of those people
that you probably never
would have done stand-up or stand-up something that was in the back your head
anyway it was in
the back of my head the prison really woke the animal up because not only
thought