Name: Best of Joey Diaz - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume 1
Uploaded: 2013-11-01T05:49:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Best of Joey Diaz - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume 1' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Best of Joey Diaz - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume 1' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-01. Transcript available.

We got down, Joe Diaz. We went deep. We just kept smoking.
We just fucking smoked because it didn't do shit to me.
What?
You got to break out the A weed when I come up here, dog.
What are you talking about?
Brian, that weed we just smoked, don't do shit to me.
If you make me drive 40 minutes up, you got to get me stoned, bro.
That's Susquehanna weed I've been telling you about that shit.
Susquehanna?
Yeah, you brought that shit to the ice house, too. That shit don't do nothing
to you.
You're so crazy.
It's true.
You need to go to a doctor.
What the fuck, dog?
You need to go to a doctor.
You need to go to a doctor.
What are you talking about? It is strong.
Joey, it's the best weed you can buy.
No, it's not. Look at my fucking eyes. Do I look high to you, guy?
Yeah, you're as high as fuck.
That's the second fucking times because I smoke on the way because I knew you
were going to give me that Susquehanna fucking weed.
Joey.
Yo, man, I don't think they heard you. Why don't you tell them what your name
is?
I would like to know what my IQ is when I have a hard one.
It's like fucking three.
I don't think of nothing else.
It's amazing.
You know, women realize that.
You know when they realize that, when they try to become men like Chaz Bono?
Don't. Like I said today, you can't fucking just drop a pair of nuggets on and
go out there and sling dick.
Nuggets.
I always fucking know that you're the real deal.
You know, who are you kidding?
You've been sucking dick for 20 years.
Now you want to change fucking governments.
You can't do that shit.
You can change governments.
Yeah, you're changing governments.
You know what I'm saying?
20 years ago, I went to a club to get quaaludes.
And I walked in.
I'll never forget.
It was called Ramrod.
It was a gay bar in the city.
And we were kids.
We were like 18.
And I walked into this club.
And before we walked in, there was a fetish club on the side.
And there was a guy in a tub that had a sign on him that said, spit on me.
That was his fetish for people to spit on him.
So here's the beauty.
I'm standing there.
You know, your jaw is going.
You're drinking.
You know, you had to pee.
And all of a sudden, I see 20 guys standing on line for the fucking bathroom.
And I asked him.
And I go, listen, why don't you just ask the guy in the tub if we could pee on
him?
So I walked over to the guy.
Can I ask you a question?
Do you mind if we pee on you?
The guys go right ahead.
There was a point in the night.
I looked at him.
He had a circle of guys.
You know those guys that don't want to wait on line?
Like, fuck it.
Just pee on him.
When I left, the guy had three inches of pee in the fucking tub.
The sign was all fucking melted.
This guy wanted people to spit on him.
We ended up pissing on him.
And I pissed on him.
I'm guilty of it.
I don't give a fuck.
He didn't suck my dick in that.
In North Bergen, New Jersey, these cops got together.
Because I'm from a real corrupt police town.
And they called this bar, the Meadowlands Inn.
And there was a go-go bar on Tunnelie Avenue.
And on Wednesday nights, it was erotic banana night.
For two bucks, they give you a frozen banana.
And you walked into the strip club.
You peeled the banana.
You gave it to the chick.
She shoved it in the pussy.
She gave it back to you.
And you ate it.
At Christmas Eve, I was in there one year.
I go in there.
And I'm sitting at the bar.
And there's this old guy.
And they had like a stage in the middle.
And then you sit around the side.
But the chicks would put their foot and climb over.
That's how.
This is 1980, dog.
This is with strip clubs.
You could kill a bitch in a strip club.
You know what I'm saying?
You could kill a bitch in a strip club for $150.
That was on the menu.
Like, $150, you get to kill me.
You know what I'm saying?
So, this bitch comes over with her leg.
This guy's got to be 60.
I'm about 16.
I calm my little pussy.
But I wasn't a professional.
I didn't know about the dirty things I like.
You know what I'm saying?
This motherfucker took his, she took his false teatop and stuck him in a snatch
and put him
back.
And he put him in his mouth on Christmas Eve.
I love people who think they're going to be the urine test.
I always love those fucking clowns.
You know why I love those fucking clowns?
Because I was one of them.
I always thought I was going to beat the system.
I used to drink vinegar.
I used to do an eight ball on Friday, an eight ball on Saturday.
And then they would have to test me on Monday for federal probation or
Wednesday or Friday.
I could make the piss test Wednesday, but there's no way I could make the one.
There's a little rock candy coming out of his dick.
So, I would fucking.
Vinegar flavored rock candy.
I would go and get white distilled vinegar with a bottle of Gatorade.
And I'd be eating cranberries while I was doing this shit.
So then, I failed that time.
So then I came up with another idea.
Forget about drinking.
I'm going to take my uncircumcised dick and I'm going to pull the skin back and
I'm
going to put my products in there.
Okay?
I thought it out and I said to myself, what kills piss on contact?
You got Clorox, but I can't sneak that into my dick.
Clorox?
So I said, what's the next best thing to kill piss?
So I figured out, pool clean it.
Right?
So I went to my buddy's house and we had a pool.
You know those big things that used to have in the pool?
Oh, no.
Clorine?
And I grinded that.
Thank Clorine.
Fucking hockey marks.
I grinded that motherfucker and I took my little skin on my helmet and I pulled
my dick
back there before I went into probation and I dipped my dick in there and it
didn't hurt
and I just poured all the whole fucking thing on my dick.
Oh, my God.
And I pulled the skin over and I tied it like a rubber band at the end.
I walk into probation.
I'm ready to piss, Mr. D.
I take that dick out and I pop that skin back and all that volcano dust goes in
there and
the thing starts breathing on its own.
I put the cap on it.
The thing is on his desk and you can see it like fucking we've got.
You can see it like shaking.
I'm like, I got to get out of here.
He's like, oh, great to see you.
He put it in.
Do you know what, bitch?
I still came back positive.
The chlorine the next day didn't hurt.
I went right to the halfway house and washed my dick off.
But the next day I went to piss and my dick was like one of those piss was
coming out of
everywhere.
I had like four holes in my helmet.
And the last thing I figured was Drano.
What?
So I took Drano and I pulled it on my dick.
Oh, my.
And I went down there again.
God.
I had fucking pissed with the Drano.
And this time, dog, the thing was turning red right in front of me.
And about four days later, I get a call.
Mr. Diaz, can you come down to probation?
I thought they were going to handcuff me at probation.
I get there.
There's a car.
There's a probation officer.
The guy got in the chick.
There was a chick that really liked me.
She goes, I don't know what you did, but you fucking broke the machine this
time.
I really, literally broke the testing thing they had.
They couldn't even.
They didn't know what was in my system.
Let me tell you something, dog.
My dick was rare for a fucking month.
Let's not get away with this shit.
The saddest moments of your life is when your dick is sore.
There's something wrong with your dick.
You realize, what have I done?
And on the weekends, he cuts your fucking dick off and puts that fucking monkey
that that
chick had we met in Vegas with the artificial turf and the fucking hole that
time, remember?
That they threw out the Riviera.
Remember Riviera?
Security came and tapped us.
You're talking to a fucking Harvey here.
Don't get confused.
Nothing beat that dirty who I used to date from Michigan, dog.
That's the crazy bitch I was fucking in the ass in Seattle.
I felt something hit in my dick.
So I looked at her asshole.
I stuck like two fingers.
Like something was hitting the top of my unit.
I'm like, what the fuck is this sharp thing hitting my dick?
So I took my dick out.
She's like, oh, oh, oh.
And I just put two fingers in there.
I searched around her asshole.
And that's when I found like a fucking little, like a, you know when you eat a
Hershey's
bar with aluminum foil that's inside the Hershey's, like half of it.
And I took it out, but it was all wrinkled up.
And it was like, this was pointy over here.
And I just took it out, looked at it.
It was like kind of brownish.
I put on the table, stuffed my dick back in there and finished up.
What?
I never said none too, because how do you tell somebody to have aluminum foil
in their ass?
How the fuck did you?
Did you steal my change jar in the late 90s?
Probably did, right?
No, no, I didn't steal my fucking change jar.
A fucking change jar?
What's a change jar?
I called you Joey Jingles for a while.
No, no, I would never run a change jar.
A change jar like a fucking cup of change?
Yeah.
No.
Yeah, it was just a weird thought that just came into my head.
No, I just...
What the fuck is wrong with your change jar?
I'm a professional.
I've never watched the Twilights, but I've seen what those two little fucking
half of fruitcakes
look like, and I can't believe they're vampires.
In my day, vampires were bad motherfucking.
Barnabas Collins, that's a vampire.
Wow, you just went deep.
Deep!
You just went deep.
I didn't even know what that is.
I didn't even know what that is.
Shadows.
And you know, when you were a vampire, you fucked guys, you fucked chicks.
It don't matter.
You're a vampire.
You ain't gay.
You just sling dick, you fucking dogs.
It don't matter.
You're a fucking animal.
You gotta fucking go in New York.
Yeah, you gotta go.
People don't go like this in New York.
You gotta stop sign.
You know how they do here?
Like, where do you go?
Get the fuck?
Somebody fucking go already.
You fucking moron.
I gotta get to the weed store.
This is a great store.
I forgot about this.
I was thinking of Stanhope on the way up here.
And our friend Mike was selling weed.
But at one time, he worked at CAA.
And he goes, listen, one of the interns over there, he blew up.
He ended up being Whitney Houston's manager.
And, you know, and the tour manager, and he's looking for powder.
So every day, they would come over, and I would sell Bobby Brown and Whitney
Houston.
You know, they would come over with like $1,100, which was per diem money.
I was taking Whitney's per diem money, right?
Every day, they'd come over with a little white envelope and give me the per
diem money.
And I'd go up to the Martell Cartel, and I'd buy 14 grams of blow, take an
eight ball out, and cut it, and then give it to Whitney Houston.
And they were fucking going crazy.
This went on for 30, 40 days.
But I couldn't snort all the blow I was stealing from them.
I couldn't snort it.
It was just too much.
They're picking me up at 9 in the morning, paging me on the red pager.
I'm coming downstairs, getting in the car with them, going to the Martell Cartel,
to the brothers, going in the house with two grams of Coke already cut in my
pocket.
And I would just go in, take rocks out, throw the cut in, mix it up, and give
it right back to them in the car, and they'd be happy as shit.
So how much Coke were you stealing from them?
I was selling them.
I was getting them a half ounce and taking an eight ball out and throwing an
eight ball to cut it.
What is an eight ball?
Three and a half grams.
This is 98.
They're doing a half ounce a day, which is three ounces a week.
Oh, my God.
Pow, it's singing.
The page is going off, and it's sage.
And I said, fuck it.
Let me just bring the two ounces to the house of blow.
And I brought, at that time, it was like an ounce and a half and three quarters.
This bitch picked me up at six in the morning with a case of Starbucks coffee
in Canada, half a gallon of vodka.
And we went back to the house, and we did that whole package of blow, heroin,
Valiums, MDMA, GSP.
How many days?
How many days?
Two days.
Jesus Christ.
Here's how sick I was.
The fucking Houstons kept calling me.
And I'm like, fuck you, motherfuckers.
I'm out of commission, right?
So finally, that next week was the Grammys.
Last time ever I seen Whitney Houston.
I get a call on a Monday morning after the Grammys at nine in the morning.
And they're like, is your boy up?
He'd have to be.
Come get me.
And they pull up to my fucking house where I live by the YMCA.
And it was the manager, Whitney Houston, and Ricky Martin in the fucking back.
And they're all going.
They're going from the Grammys.
That jaw, all them jaws are fucking going, Jack.
And I get in the car with them.
I drive to the Martell cartel.
I'm sitting there like I don't even know it's Ricky Martin.
I just looked out the window.
I was more paranoid than he was.
I got in, bought it, brought it back to the car.
That's the last time I've fucking seen it.
You know this story's going to get on the internet now.
You know, I've never played.
I've never played the brain improv.
You're fucking half and eleven years ago.
What are you using going to say to me?
No, you remember me, bitch?
Oh, I remember me.
What the fuck, Joe Rogan?
Why you got to bother me with this shit?
Why you got to sit in here having a good time like gentlemen?
You got to talk to me about chimps eating babies?
What the fuck kind of dinner table conversation is this, cocksucker?
But it hit the fan every now and then.
And you'd be in Jersey going, where the fuck are you?
I'm not going to lie to you, dog.
I never left Vegas.
But I still remember when I was playing kickball with Lucy Snorebush.
That's not a real name, Joey.
That's not a real name.
Fucked up.
That's an iCarly name.
This bitch had a fucked up mug.
But she was like 5'8 in the grade.
And I broke into a house and ate her pussy one night on a quaila.
I just couldn't take it.
This bitch was banging.
And after my mother died, I knew it was Lucy Snorebush.
I climbed up a fucking ladder like old Susanna once she cried for me.
I climbed up the ladder, opened up her door.
I knew she was out drinking, so she was going to say nothing.
I just jumped on the bed.
And I laid her pussy and left like a burglar.
Her name was Lucy Snorebush.
And she was fucked.
Her grill was okay.
But her body was banging from the time she was like 7.
This bitch was banging.
And I was like, hey, I met her.
But she used to have a, she used to have a gold pump.
I ate a pussy on a quaila.
On a quaila.
Broke into her house.
I was like 17.
This is so casual.
And as I was walking down the hill to the house, I'm thinking about whose pussy
am I going to eat tonight.
And I knew this chick was out.
Like she was out earlier.
And whenever she drank, she was kind of loose dog.
I went right to her yard, put a ladder in, climbed up the fucking ladder,
opened the window.
She's like, who's there?
Who's there?
Don't even ask.
She just fucking pulled her pants, ate her monkey, and climbed back out like a
fucking vampire.
That's all you did?
She seen me like a week later.
She's like, that was amazing that night.
Fuck yeah.
Did they kill Michael Jackson?
I don't know.
Look at the movie.
He was dancing and singing.
And next, you know, he's dying of oxygen.
No, not right.
Junkies are junkies are junkies.
He's a junkie every day.
He doesn't wake up singing, dance, and then he has oxygen tanks at night.
Something's not right there.
And in my case, like old school, you're worth more dead than what you are alive.
I mean, he's worth more now than he's ever been.
I think Paul Cotty killed Michael Jackson.
That's what I think.
What's changed when they go on Fox News?
They don't give a fuck no more because nobody said nothing.
They don't give a fuck.
Why would they?
Half of these kids are coming back.
This is the worst.
It doesn't matter if they're addicted.
Cussing is what's bad.
No, no, no.
You can't do nothing to me that Castro hasn't already done.
And when this shit goes down.
Wasn't that in Scarface?
That's right.
And I got to re-quote that motherfucker right there.
I flew on the flight afterwards and I had fucking a bag.
I knew an F-4 was coming.
I had a little bag of reefer in my fucking...
No, you didn't.
I do.
This is a conspiracy thing.
This is just to show you how hard the airport people are working with their
fucking X-ray machine.
Now, I had it in a baggie and I put it under my left nut.
No, okay.
We're not telling this story.
That's enough.
Yes, for freedom of speech, I'll call Obama right now, motherfucker.
They said, we're going to put you through the X-ray machine.
I'm standing there sweating bullets with this baggie under my fucking left butt.
Oh, that's enough.
Stop.
Because my left nut's bigger than the right nut because I'm a righty.
Stop.
People don't know that.
I thought I had cancer for a couple of weeks.
You know, the opposite hand is always bigger than the nut.
It's like Satan is in the control room.
Listen to me.
So I'm standing with my legs open with this weed stinking.
You're like Rodney Danger.
Listen, stop fucking Rodney.
I had this weed that was stinking up a storm, not to mention my balls.
I'm sweating now because I'm going to go to jail tonight and all of a sudden
the guy goes,
he's clear and he shook my hand.
I'm like, my taxpayers are hard at work.
Go fuck yourself, you cop.
Hold on.
Hold on one second.
Take a joke.
Take a shuttle.
Joey Diaz, Facebook, Twitter, check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Big dicks in your ass.
Get out of here.
You're in trouble.
I'm the umpire.
This is the, I'm throwing.
All right, all right.
Listen.
Stay black because that's the most important.
Okay, okay.
Hey, Joe.
The second he leaves the room, I'm totally talking about how awesome he is.

Best of Joey Diaz - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume 1

We got down, Joe Diaz. We went deep. We just kept smoking.
We just fucking smoked because it didn't do shit to me.
What?
You got to break out the A weed when I come up here, dog.
What are you talking about?
Brian, that weed we just smoked, don't do shit to me.
If you make me drive 40 minutes up, you got to get me stoned, bro.
That's Susquehanna weed I've been telling you about that shit.
Susquehanna?
Yeah, you brought that shit to the ice house, too. That shit don't do nothing
to you.
You're so crazy.
It's true.
You need to go to a doctor.
What the fuck, dog?
You need to go to a doctor.
You need to go to a doctor.
What are you talking about? It is strong.
Joey, it's the best weed you can buy.
No, it's not. Look at my fucking eyes. Do I look high to you, guy?
Yeah, you're as high as fuck.
That's the second fucking times because I smoke on the way because I knew you
were going to give me that Susquehanna fucking weed.
Joey.
Yo, man, I don't think they heard you. Why don't you tell them what your name
is?
I would like to know what my IQ is when I have a hard one.
It's like fucking three.
I don't think of nothing else.
It's amazing.
You know, women realize that.
You know when they realize that, when they try to become men like Chaz Bono?
Don't. Like I said today, you can't fucking just drop a pair of nuggets on and
go out there and sling dick.
Nuggets.
I always fucking know that you're the real deal.
You know, who are you kidding?
You've been sucking dick for 20 years.
Now you want to change fucking governments.
You can't do that shit.
You can change governments.
Yeah, you're changing governments.
You know what I'm saying?
20 years ago, I went to a club to get quaaludes.
And I walked in.
I'll never forget.
It was called Ramrod.
It was a gay bar in the city.
And we were kids.
We were like 18.
And I walked into this club.
And before we walked in, there was a fetish club on the side.
And there was a guy in a tub that had a sign on him that said, spit on me.
That was his fetish for people to spit on him.
So here's the beauty.
I'm standing there.
You know, your jaw is going.
You're drinking.
You know, you had to pee.
And all of a sudden, I see 20 guys standing on line for the fucking bathroom.
And I asked him.
And I go, listen, why don't you just ask the guy in the tub if we could pee on
him?
So I walked over to the guy.
Can I ask you a question?
Do you mind if we pee on you?
The guys go right ahead.
There was a point in the night.
I looked at him.
He had a circle of guys.
You know those guys that don't want to wait on line?
Like, fuck it.
Just pee on him.
When I left, the guy had three inches of pee in the fucking tub.
The sign was all fucking melted.
This guy wanted people to spit on him.
We ended up pissing on him.
And I pissed on him.
I'm guilty of it.
I don't give a fuck.
He didn't suck my dick in that.
In North Bergen, New Jersey, these cops got together.
Because I'm from a real corrupt police town.
And they called this bar, the Meadowlands Inn.
And there was a go-go bar on Tunnelie Avenue.
And on Wednesday nights, it was erotic banana night.
For two bucks, they give you a frozen banana.
And you walked into the strip club.
You peeled the banana.
You gave it to the chick.
She shoved it in the pussy.
She gave it back to you.
And you ate it.
At Christmas Eve, I was in there one year.
I go in there.
And I'm sitting at the bar.
And there's this old guy.
And they had like a stage in the middle.
And then you sit around the side.
But the chicks would put their foot and climb over.
That's how.
This is 1980, dog.
This is with strip clubs.
You could kill a bitch in a strip club.
You know what I'm saying?
You could kill a bitch in a strip club for $150.
That was on the menu.
Like, $150, you get to kill me.
You know what I'm saying?
So, this bitch comes over with her leg.
This guy's got to be 60.
I'm about 16.
I calm my little pussy.
But I wasn't a professional.
I didn't know about the dirty things I like.
You know what I'm saying?
This motherfucker took his, she took his false teatop and stuck him in a snatch
and put him
back.
And he put him in his mouth on Christmas Eve.
I love people who think they're going to be the urine test.
I always love those fucking clowns.
You know why I love those fucking clowns?
Because I was one of them.
I always thought I was going to beat the system.
I used to drink vinegar.
I used to do an eight ball on Friday, an eight ball on Saturday.
And then they would have to test me on Monday for federal probation or
Wednesday or Friday.
I could make the piss test Wednesday, but there's no way I could make the one.
There's a little rock candy coming out of his dick.
So, I would fucking.
Vinegar flavored rock candy.
I would go and get white distilled vinegar with a bottle of Gatorade.
And I'd be eating cranberries while I was doing this shit.
So then, I failed that time.
So then I came up with another idea.
Forget about drinking.
I'm going to take my uncircumcised dick and I'm going to pull the skin back and
I'm
going to put my products in there.
Okay?
I thought it out and I said to myself, what kills piss on contact?
You got Clorox, but I can't sneak that into my dick.
Clorox?
So I said, what's the next best thing to kill piss?
So I figured out, pool clean it.
Right?
So I went to my buddy's house and we had a pool.
You know those big things that used to have in the pool?
Oh, no.
Clorine?
And I grinded that.
Thank Clorine.
Fucking hockey marks.
I grinded that motherfucker and I took my little skin on my helmet and I pulled
my dick
back there before I went into probation and I dipped my dick in there and it
didn't hurt
and I just poured all the whole fucking thing on my dick.
Oh, my God.
And I pulled the skin over and I tied it like a rubber band at the end.
I walk into probation.
I'm ready to piss, Mr. D.
I take that dick out and I pop that skin back and all that volcano dust goes in
there and
the thing starts breathing on its own.
I put the cap on it.
The thing is on his desk and you can see it like fucking we've got.
You can see it like shaking.
I'm like, I got to get out of here.
He's like, oh, great to see you.
He put it in.
Do you know what, bitch?
I still came back positive.
The chlorine the next day didn't hurt.
I went right to the halfway house and washed my dick off.
But the next day I went to piss and my dick was like one of those piss was
coming out of
everywhere.
I had like four holes in my helmet.
And the last thing I figured was Drano.
What?
So I took Drano and I pulled it on my dick.
Oh, my.
And I went down there again.
God.
I had fucking pissed with the Drano.
And this time, dog, the thing was turning red right in front of me.
And about four days later, I get a call.
Mr. Diaz, can you come down to probation?
I thought they were going to handcuff me at probation.
I get there.
There's a car.
There's a probation officer.
The guy got in the chick.
There was a chick that really liked me.
She goes, I don't know what you did, but you fucking broke the machine this
time.
I really, literally broke the testing thing they had.
They couldn't even.
They didn't know what was in my system.
Let me tell you something, dog.
My dick was rare for a fucking month.
Let's not get away with this shit.
The saddest moments of your life is when your dick is sore.
There's something wrong with your dick.
You realize, what have I done?
And on the weekends, he cuts your fucking dick off and puts that fucking monkey
that that
chick had we met in Vegas with the artificial turf and the fucking hole that
time, remember?
That they threw out the Riviera.
Remember Riviera?
Security came and tapped us.
You're talking to a fucking Harvey here.
Don't get confused.
Nothing beat that dirty who I used to date from Michigan, dog.
That's the crazy bitch I was fucking in the ass in Seattle.
I felt something hit in my dick.
So I looked at her asshole.
I stuck like two fingers.
Like something was hitting the top of my unit.
I'm like, what the fuck is this sharp thing hitting my dick?
So I took my dick out.
She's like, oh, oh, oh.
And I just put two fingers in there.
I searched around her asshole.
And that's when I found like a fucking little, like a, you know when you eat a
Hershey's
bar with aluminum foil that's inside the Hershey's, like half of it.
And I took it out, but it was all wrinkled up.
And it was like, this was pointy over here.
And I just took it out, looked at it.
It was like kind of brownish.
I put on the table, stuffed my dick back in there and finished up.
What?
I never said none too, because how do you tell somebody to have aluminum foil
in their ass?
How the fuck did you?
Did you steal my change jar in the late 90s?
Probably did, right?
No, no, I didn't steal my fucking change jar.
A fucking change jar?
What's a change jar?
I called you Joey Jingles for a while.
No, no, I would never run a change jar.
A change jar like a fucking cup of change?
Yeah.
No.
Yeah, it was just a weird thought that just came into my head.
No, I just...
What the fuck is wrong with your change jar?
I'm a professional.
I've never watched the Twilights, but I've seen what those two little fucking
half of fruitcakes
look like, and I can't believe they're vampires.
In my day, vampires were bad motherfucking.
Barnabas Collins, that's a vampire.
Wow, you just went deep.
Deep!
You just went deep.
I didn't even know what that is.
I didn't even know what that is.
Shadows.
And you know, when you were a vampire, you fucked guys, you fucked chicks.
It don't matter.
You're a vampire.
You ain't gay.
You just sling dick, you fucking dogs.
It don't matter.
You're a fucking animal.
You gotta fucking go in New York.
Yeah, you gotta go.
People don't go like this in New York.
You gotta stop sign.
You know how they do here?
Like, where do you go?
Get the fuck?
Somebody fucking go already.
You fucking moron.
I gotta get to the weed store.
This is a great store.
I forgot about this.
I was thinking of Stanhope on the way up here.
And our friend Mike was selling weed.
But at one time, he worked at CAA.
And he goes, listen, one of the interns over there, he blew up.
He ended up being Whitney Houston's manager.
And, you know, and the tour manager, and he's looking for powder.
So every day, they would come over, and I would sell Bobby Brown and Whitney
Houston.
You know, they would come over with like $1,100, which was per diem money.
I was taking Whitney's per diem money, right?
Every day, they'd come over with a little white envelope and give me the per
diem money.
And I'd go up to the Martell Cartel, and I'd buy 14 grams of blow, take an
eight ball out, and cut it, and then give it to Whitney Houston.
And they were fucking going crazy.
This went on for 30, 40 days.
But I couldn't snort all the blow I was stealing from them.
I couldn't snort it.
It was just too much.
They're picking me up at 9 in the morning, paging me on the red pager.
I'm coming downstairs, getting in the car with them, going to the Martell Cartel,
to the brothers, going in the house with two grams of Coke already cut in my
pocket.
And I would just go in, take rocks out, throw the cut in, mix it up, and give
it right back to them in the car, and they'd be happy as shit.
So how much Coke were you stealing from them?
I was selling them.
I was getting them a half ounce and taking an eight ball out and throwing an
eight ball to cut it.
What is an eight ball?
Three and a half grams.
This is 98.
They're doing a half ounce a day, which is three ounces a week.
Oh, my God.
Pow, it's singing.
The page is going off, and it's sage.
And I said, fuck it.
Let me just bring the two ounces to the house of blow.
And I brought, at that time, it was like an ounce and a half and three quarters.
This bitch picked me up at six in the morning with a case of Starbucks coffee
in Canada, half a gallon of vodka.
And we went back to the house, and we did that whole package of blow, heroin,
Valiums, MDMA, GSP.
How many days?
How many days?
Two days.
Jesus Christ.
Here's how sick I was.
Th