Name: Massage Parlors with David Choe (from Joe Rogan Experience #392)
Uploaded: 2013-11-23T22:12:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Massage Parlors with David Choe (from Joe Rogan Experience #392)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Massage Parlors with David Choe (from Joe Rogan Experience #392)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-23. Transcript available.

the Joe Rogan experience I just had the worst massage thing I'm I think I'm
done now I was in
Santa Monica and it was like I was trying to think carefully if you want to say
this on the air oh
yeah yeah it's fine but uh I was actually thinking like I'll just get a legit
massage this place was
open really late though and it but it looked really nice outside you know so I
was like uh
are you open and I think they might have just sent the last girl home because I
saw this
pretty decent looking girl walk out the side door and then what time is it uh 9
30.
you know in Santa Monica really for the most part no legit massages happening
after 9 30.
yeah well I was like most massage places closed down around 9 you know yeah but
this was right down
the street from boa so I'm like all right it can't be too crazy you know right
all right so uh I go in
and this really old fat Asian lady was there and I was like are you open and
she's like oh yeah yeah
yeah so I go in the room and I now just always take my all my clothes off I don't
even keep boxers on
all the time now just in case if you know the girl's really hot that's cool you
know but I just want
wanted a real massage and then she walks in wearing like a dress no underwear
nice and like cut really
short and just fat and old like like a grandma old like I'm and she was dressed
up like totally
changed clothes I heard somebody go to the bathroom so that means she went into
the bathroom washed
herself you know and stuff like that because she smelled like this perfume and
then she she gets on top
of me removes the towel gets on top of me and just kept on bouncing like I hurt
uh vagina was like on my
butthole like it was just like oh she's like on yeah on me just bouncing and
then she's just like not
really massage or anything uh I I don't think so I think I don't I was freaked
out and so I was just like
plate dead plate dead plate dead like don't even like don't make a noise I'm
thinking like uh
I hope she's like really gets off me if she just would start start massaging me
so suddenly she
starts rubbing her hands on my back and her she had calluses or something nice
because it just
scratched and it was it hurt though like it felt like she was like stabbing me
like hurry let's see
like like so I'm just like ah and then like she flips me over eventually and
stuff like that is there
any point where you're like I'm gonna just leave right now um no because I didn't
want to be rude
and I thought she would she was kind of trying and then she oh she started
playing with my like
butt and stuff like like a lot of places give you prostate massages and I'm
trying to like tighten
it up like that's one of the funniest statements anybody ever say a lot of
places give you prostate
no it's pretty popular compared to what I'm really good now at like what you
said like when
uncomfortable like shit like that I would be bad at leaving because yeah but
like now I walk out
of movies I walk out of massages you just get up I'm just like I'm not into
this anymore and I
just get up and I leave you know I should have done that yeah it ended really
bad and then when she
flipped me over she just kept on like touching my dick and I'm like like this
and stuff like that
and then she finally gave up and then left and then came in and watched me like
you didn't get hard
for her no I couldn't I shut up no I seriously I didn't I I was so grossed out
I was like freaked out
how many times have you been back uh I'll never go back that how many times
have you jerked off
thinking about it never she's not in my spank bag it was too gross my spank
bank there's a massage
place by my house which one that listen let's not name names no no i don't want
to get anybody in
trouble i live in koreatown oh cool and i i've been going to this place for
over 10 years you know they
have young girls no it's a it's not a sex place it's a complete legitimate
massage place and like joe
when i go to a place when it's like some white chick or something it's not a
good massage right you go to
the thai place or you go to the korean place where they look like your mother
they fucking rip your
shit up dude they go crazy like you know they give you they get in there they
stand on your back they
pound your shit and yeah afterwards you feel all svelte and nice and flowy
whatever geo's boxing gym in
burbank there's a massage parlor that's connected to it dude dude dude no no no
that's good legit
massage okay legit massage so this is a place i've been going to for 10 years
not that much but you
know every time i know that i just want a regular massage i know that some
chick that looks like my
mom or my aunt is going to give me a great massage and then i'm done you know
so i but i haven't been back
for a few i moved to new york whatever um and my way of dealing that that whole
thing with me puking
before going on shows is i started getting massages and i like hard ones i'm
like it has to be a hard
deep tissue and i was like i'm gonna go back to that place and uh so i already
told this story but i'll
tell it quick it it's the same story as yours all the it's 9 30 or 10 all the
the you know they're not
ugly but they're just older and it's just the mama son the she's like i'm like
oh i'll just come back
and she's like no no just come come in and i'm like okay never once even
thought that i was going to
get a hand job you know i get in there she comes in and then i'm like oh the
lady the receptionist is
giving me i'm like all right cool amazing massage cracks my neck cracking
sounds back just
fucking doing it and then uh you know she flips me over and starts jerking me
off and i'm like
oh that's what i thought when i came in it was always like a 40 massage place
like a cheap korean
massage and then it was 75 now or something like that i was like what a 30
increase and like what the
fuck is that that's a bargain and a half though you know if you're like what
could they be doing
different maybe it's an incense tax no maybe it's scented candles that they
have to pay she flips me
over and and and she goes like like she just does a couple ball flicks like do
you want this and i was
like i was like no but i was like yeah and you were like no but you were like
yeah yeah and you're like
12. yeah exactly and i'm like there's and i was like brian i was like there's
no way i'm gonna get hard but
because she's a professional yeah she's whatever she did lots of hot oil wow i'm
like whoa and then
i'm pretty sure this is a massage parlor faux pas the thing the bell from
someone else coming in hello
is someone in here she goes okay wait so mid jerk mid jerk she stops and i hear
you know it's like a
small place so i hear their whole conversation he's like hey is uh rachel or jenny
working tonight
she's like no everyone go home uh wait uh 10 minutes uh maybe five minutes and
i and i get
and the guys you could tell he's like no i think i'll come he's like no no stay
i give you a discount
i give you a ten dollar discount and he's like ah and i'm sitting there and my
boner's just going
and i'm like because you're seeing her actively be rejected it's bad on both
fronts and just and
just like i got a break i'm like i could cut out right now right right i'm like
i should leave
just leave the money and then the negotiation is like he's one foot out the
door he's like
i don't know he's like no no no come in i'll be done in five no for three
minutes i'll be finished
three minutes like i'm like i'm gonna get up okay i'm gonna i'm gonna like
count to ten in my head
right now ten nine when i get to one i'm gonna walk out the door so i start
sitting up and then she
the guy's like i'm gonna go and he left and she runs back in and she goes lay
down and i go okay
so i lay down and now i'm deflated i'm like i said it's it's okay i'm just
gonna go and she goes no
no no and she starts up again and now she's just playing with my wet noodle it's
not it's like there's
too much thought in and and i go stop right there is there a sadder moment in
life no it's tugging on
your dick and you don't want them yeah i'm like it's it's done it's it's cool
and she go this lady's
face and it's a dark room she doesn't give a she's a trained trained assassin
she wasn't even worried for a second she was okay okay she reaches up behind
her and tears a piece
of saran wrap and i go what's gonna happen now i don't know what this is right
now and she
like put some on my ass some lube and she's like puts the saran she she holds
my legs up like this and
taps my legs like like hold your legs and i'm like okay so i'm holding my legs
like this and i go i
don't know what's gonna happen right now but i'm going for it she puts the saran
wrap over my butthole
and i go she's gonna lick my ass right now like through the saran wrap
to this day besides the part where when i was a kid then i put a vacuum cleaner
on my butthole
i've never felt this before she didn't stick her tongue into my butthole she
sucked my butthole
she put her lips around my butthole and sucked and i was like never felt that
before whoa
dick gets hard immediately a few seconds just you shot a load without even jerking
off yeah no she
jerked me off but it was like how much time between her putting the saran wrap
over your butthole and
you shooting a load how much time 15 seconds to put the saran wrap five seconds
to shoot like she
was kind of hard immediately immediately like i was like i've heard of girls
putting their finger up
a guy's butt and licking it and right she sucked the butthole she sucked my butthole
so i i'm filled
with so much shame i'm like i'm like she's like and you know she just throws
the towel on me she's like
okay cool oh my god and i'm like you know does this lady when she goes to the
supermarket and she
buys the saran wrap does the lady know what she's gonna use it for when she
brings it home and the
kids are like grandma why you buy so much saran wrap every week like oh my god
i i i go in the car
and i go i can never talk about this day and then i told what yeah i mean it
was how dare you how do you
even lie to yourself like that well unlike brian i've been back like several
times now so and where is
this again so
you're a fucking human being