Name: The Joe Rogan Experience - 2013 Year in Review
Uploaded: 2013-12-31T16:49:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Joe Rogan Experience - 2013 Year in Review' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-12-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Joe Rogan Experience - 2013 Year in Review' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-12-31. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan Experience - 2013 Year in Review

Hey, fuckers, what are you doing?
I'm excited just talking about it.
This is the only better idea I've heard from you is our compound.
I want that fucking compound.
That's happening.
Aubrey's in.
Aubrey's dead.
I'm in.
I have a more realistic idea.
What are you more realistic idea?
How can you say it's more realistic?
Because we're not all going to move our families to a fucking event.
No, no, no.
You don't understand.
This is the latest idea.
The latest idea is we get a setup.
Condos.
Stop it.
Why did you make condos gay?
It was at one point in time.
Condo used to be a manly word.
It was an intermediate point of success.
Well, I've got a condo.
I can take her back to the condo.
At least a BMW 3 series.
Enjoy it.
You just, you sexualized that word forever.
Condos.
Condos.
We've got, do you realize that if you fall into a black hole, you will see the
entire future
of the universe unfold in front of you in a matter of moments, and you will
emerge into
another space-time created by the singularity of the black hole you just fell
into?
He just broke the internet.
He just broke the whole internet right there.
Can you imagine someone giving your son to someone to hack his balls off so he
could sing
in a weird way?
I think people were so poor back then.
It's like, this is the only way out.
Oh my God.
Like, opera was like white people's basketball like that.
It's like, you have a chance to be a castrati?
If you have any marijuana in your blood in Japan, you're not going to be able
to fight.
What did you get arrested for?
Marijuana.
So, what is it like?
Is it like being caught with cocaine or heroin in America?
Yeah, it's like a drug's a drug in Japan.
I was facing some bad time, you know, because I was a famous figure and they
wanted to make
an example of me, so.
It was then the interrogation came to finding out where I got my stuff.
In Japan, if you throw everything to a foreign person, they'll drop.
They won't want to go find someone in America.
I told them I was a student from Guam.
Oh.
And just, they asked me for a name and I said, Tony.
I knew like three Tonys in Guam, so I just went to keep it real.
We had like two days of questioning and late, like the third day, they said, so
happened,
caught me off guard, man.
And they asked me, what's Tony's last name?
And this freaking ridiculous, the first name that popped in my head was Montana.
And right when I said, Montana.
So right when I said Montana, I was like, oh, fuck, if these guys watch Scarface,
man.
I was like, I'm screwed, you know, I'm screwed.
Because it'll start the interrogation all over if I get caught in a lie.
Right, right, right.
So he just, I saw him write it down in Japanese, Montana, and then he just jotted
it down and
I was like, fuck.
He said Scarface?
It's not that popular?
I don't think it's that popular there, yeah.
How long was your...
That story is worth the trip in.
I'll tell you.
You know, I hug all my friends.
Right.
This is the most awkward guy ever.
I hug Yoshi all the time.
I know, but he's like, he doesn't...
Here, hug the shit out of this guy.
I don't show.
All right.
All right.
Stop.
Jesus.
That, ladies and gentlemen, was the gayest moment ever on our podcast.
My belief is all of us have, all of us create what we need to work through to
create and learn
what we need to in this world.
And so I can't look at anyone as a victim.
I can't, even a child, I don't blame them.
I don't say this is your fault.
I say, you made an agreement in this place to do this, and I'm sending you all
my love,
and I believe in you, and I believe that you will, you can be a miracle.
I mean, like, who's to say how you should live this life?
It's fucking temporary.
It's temporary, Ari, right?
Oh, you should be the one that's...
Yeah, if you were wondering.
I'm totally down.
We should start with you.
I love that.
We should start with you and examine your behavior at the TSA.
I say, I can't do it.
Medical condition.
Okay, go this way.
Okay.
If they say, are you opting out?
I was like, I don't know what that means.
And I say, do you not want that?
Or do you want to pat down?
I go, no, I don't want to pat down, but I'm not doing that thing.
So what are my options?
Are you just trying to be Larry David?
No, I'm just trying to not let them take away these freedoms from me without
going down with a little bit of a fight.
But you had Kimbo in fucking side control.
You worked to get it.
You got it.
You were in a dominant position.
He was tired.
And they stood you back up.
Gary Shaw said, we did a radio interview, you know, where everyone's on the
other line.
And I've just finished training.
So I'm on the phone.
And no one was asking me fucking any questions.
And I thought, yeah, I'm just the guy for Kimbo to beat.
So then someone asked Gary Shaw a question.
They said, what would you do if James Thompson won?
And he said, I'd hang myself.
And I thought, wow.
What's the most money you've ever gambled?
The most I've ever lost in one night?
$8, $10.
How much?
Okay.
What's the most you've ever lost in one night?
A million bucks.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my.
How much is it?
What's the most you've ever won?
Six million.
Oh, Jesus.
Is it true that the reason why we don't go back to the Palms is because they
cut back your gambling budget because you were killing them?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
That seems ridiculous.
I got into it, but that's the way Vegas is now.
Creepy.
I mean, I guess the one film I recommend to everyone is Killer Season.
All the Dipset dudes are in it.
It's like the worst made film that's the best made film.
Oh, you don't listen to the Dipset?
Oh, shit.
Am I alone in knowing what the Dipset is?
Yo, y'all don't know the Dipset?
Y'all don't know the Dipset.
My grandfather's rolling over his grave.
Oh, man.
I told you, I told you these fucking kids today.
I told you these fucking kids today.
That little thing freaked me out.
Gucci Mane is crazy.
Look at him.
He put an ice cream cone on his face.
It says Burr.
You see it?
You see it on the cone?
Yeah.
B-R-R-R.
And the tattoo guy was like, okay.
Cold as ice, man.
Could you, could you, I want, I'm going to have to get you to request this on
video.
And then I need you to get, I need you to write this down.
Come on, man.
Just tattoo it.
I ain't going to change my mind.
Put butter picard on my face, man.
I want a cone.
A good one.
Like a waffle type motherfucker.
Cookie dough ice cream.
No spoon, man.
No spoon.
I licked that shit up.
The craziest part of it are the lightning bolts.
I put lightning on my ice cream.
Looks like it says.
Under his eye says something?
What the fuck?
What's up, boopy?
I'm from the Honda's back.
Yeah, that dude is probably irrational.
Gucci?
Kiyoshi no Tande no Hoto.
Nice try.
What did you just look up there?
Hot for a teacher.
What is that?
It's from gangster movies.
It means who do you think you're talking about.
You, uh...
Matt Ruskin, I didn't do this to be mean.
I just did this because that's my nature.
I am the scorpion.
You are the frog.
This is how shit goes down.
Matt?
Yeah?
Just tell him you love him.
Matt?
Have you ever watched a rodeo and felt sorry for the bulls?
What, that?
Nothing.
One of the stories he tells is about this Eskimo guy, old guy, and the family
sort of
took the keys to the car away from him, like, you can't go anymore.
They were afraid he would go out and die the traditional way.
When Eskimo people got old, they would just, like, wander off into the ice and
die so as
not to be a burden to the family.
And so that night, he goes out, gets out of the house, takes a shit in his hand,
forms
shit into a knife blade, spits on it, and the spit is freezing along the edge,
and he hones
that down so he gets a nice sharp edge with his spit, takes his shit knife,
kills a dog
and takes their ribs and makes a sled out of it, and with the sinews and
whatever other pieces of the dogs, hooks up a couple other dogs to the sled,
and he takes off into the snow on his, you know, sled with his shit knife.
What?
Oh my god, that might be the most insane story I've ever heard.
I had an incident on the airplane going to Indianapolis.
Oh yeah.
Where this guy, like, I don't know, this guy just started, like, interrogating
me.
He thought I was some sort of flight risk.
We're just sitting there, and he just says, he goes, hey, are you afraid to fly?
And he goes, oh cool, he goes, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?
I'm like, yeah, I don't have to answer your questions.
He goes, you don't answer my questions right now, I'm going to hit that call
button.
I will stop this plane, and you will be fucking arrested, like, saying all this
stuff.
And I'm just sitting there, and he's yapping in my ear.
He goes, you think this is fucking over?
And I'm sitting there with a blindfold on, laughing at him.
It was driving him fucking nuts.
It was great.
Right as I'm starting to nod off, I just hear, why are you going to Indianapolis,
Bill?
And I just laugh.
I never come in here.
Aren't there certain people that they have music laying around just because it's
cool?
Tons of them.
The worst being the Tom Waits era.
Those motherfuckers are the ones I want to punch them right in the fucking face.
Because they're the ones, you're having a good time, listening to something,
you're bobbing,
and they want to, like, really impress, like, some fucking dumb chick with freckles
or something.
You know, that everybody's fucked already.
You know what I'm saying?
Everybody's fucked, though.
You need this tequila and a gram of blow, and she'll be sucking your dick in
the fucking bathroom.
But you want to be cool.
And listen to Tom Waits.
Have you listened to Tom Waits?
You want to fucking shoot yourself.
Yeah, I don't like it.
If that's good singing, you want that, you're fucking an idiot.
But the only reason that people would put that shit on is to try to overpower
you with their fucking Star Wars.
What do you call that?
The fucking thing with the Mind Jenny.
The Mind Jenny fucking trick.
That's it.
Oh, he's so, oh my God, he likes Tom Waits.
Listen to that shit.
Right, they're trying to make themselves.
Let me sit you down with a gun next to your head.
You tell me if that's true.
That's good singing.
That's good fucking singing.
That's the Beatles.
I'll fucking shoot you.
I'll fucking put a gun to your fucking head, all right?
Telling me that's good music.
You're fucking 20 years old.
Knock it off.
Like, when somebody says they like the Dave Matthews band, I will pistol whip
you.
I will pistol whip you.
He's beautiful.
He defined my yard.
I swear he used to look at me.
He was my friend.
I know that sounds retarded.
But you are afraid of aliens, though, right?
Yeah, I'm afraid of a lot of things.
Does it turn you have, like, a path mapped out in your house?
How to get out if the aliens show up?
No.
No?
That's the rumor, man.
That's what I heard.
I heard you have a plan.
Because I know you like to use game plans.
So I figured you had an alien.
I know karate and I know jiu-jitsu.
So the aliens show up, I put a triangle choke on him.
And I also have a katana, a Japanese katana.
So if they come, I can slice them apart.
You've kicked the green bitch.
Yes, yes.
After a 24-year intense relationship with the green goddess or the green bitch,
depending on what mood she's in, I had to stop.
And I've come in for some criticism for this.
And I feel it's important to say that I hugely value and love cannabis.
I think it's a wonderful herbal ally.
And I don't think that I would ever have written my books of historical mystery
if I had not encountered cannabis.
But, like, you guys are both in better shape than I am.
But I work out 45 minutes a month.
I do my whole body vibration thing.
45 minutes a month?
Yeah.
I'm not kidding.
I do high intensity.
Not a minute less.
That shit's ridiculous.
That's five times more than me.
I'm serious.
But that's ridiculous.
I'm too busy, man.
Really?
You're too busy?
I have some theories about that.
I was doing – I invented bulletproof intermittent fasting during that 