Name: Joe Rogan Experience #448 - Tom Segura
Uploaded: 2014-02-04T01:07:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #448 - Tom Segura' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #448 - Tom Segura' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-04. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #448 - Tom Segura

hey you fuckers what are you doing uh got to meet the squarespace people this
weekend uh in
manhattan with the great tommy bones tommy bones in the house ladies and
gentlemen and uh they
couldn't be fucking cooler they were exactly what i thought they'd be a bunch
of is that me a bunch
of smart looking young cats and very cool guys it was really fun it was uh new
york was fucking
fantastic god damn that was fun it's a great time whoo it was fun in so many
ways that fucking show
was intense the show well we'll talk about that later but the squarespace guys
were cool as fuck
and it's always nice when you um you have a sponsor that not only you believe
in but you meet the
people that are behind the sponsorship the company whatever and they're really
cool uh and they were
super happy too you could tell that their product is actually awesome that so
many people uh use it
and enjoy it uh what squarespace is is a website that allows you to make your
own websites super
easy to do if you can do any of the normal functions on your computer drag and
drop and click and point
and all that shit you can make a website uh cara santa maria who's on the
podcast last week runs her
website through squarespace she was talking about how easy it is for her to
organize all of her media
if you got a store you can put an online store up super quick and easy with squarespace
they have
awesome support 24 7 if you're you're confused you can't figure out what to do
they can help you
through it and they they also have it so that if you're a musician you can sell
music on your site
you can it's there's so much cool shit about squarespace and the the most
beautiful thing is
i've never heard one person say that it's not awesome i love it i love squarespace
you guys use it
well i've um i've been to the site a lot and um i work with them too and i feel
like it's uh
the thing that i always think about is the fact that in today's day and age it
blows your mind
when someone still doesn't have a website yeah if you have this as a tool like
it just makes sense
like no matter what if you cut grass yeah it's like why wouldn't you have hey
go here and you see
me and contact me here and see what i do you have no excuse to not have a site
so easy yeah we gave
away four uh different one year memberships to squarespace and uh four new
higher primate t-shirts
which have all been restocked the higher primate t-shirts been restocked i'm
sorry i'm slow with
that shit um but uh i'm a busy little boy now uh for a free trial and 10 off
your first purchase
at squarespace go to squarespace.com and enter in the code joe that's it just
joe remember when there
was numbers behind it apparently not anymore they give up they realize that
shit is ridiculous joe one
joe two joe three joe stop it's only one joe i'm right there's plenty of joes
that's not true at all
it's a goddamn pile of them that is that is the most overused name in the world
probably right next
to juan and jose in the world of podcasts there's only one joe joe oh you're so
sweet that's why
you're here uh go to squarespace and uh they have also launched a logo creator
where you can create a
clean simple logo design yourself in minutes how fucking awesome is this
website and could it get
more awesome i say it can't so go there and enjoy code word joe we've also uh
been sponsored for
quite a while now by legal zoom another outstanding website that makes it so
easy to do shit that you
used to normally struggle to do like any sort of a legal issue incorporating
forming an llc or making
a will all those things you used to have to go to attorney probably more than
once you'd have to fill out
a bunch of paperwork pay a bunch of money way cheapier cheapier cheapier that's
a new word to do
on legal legal zoom legal zoom you can form an llc starting at 99 that's
outrageous if you think about
how much fucking time it takes to actually go to a lawyer's office drive there
park take the bus
whatever the fuck you do get out go in sit there go through all the bullshit
pay a stupid amount of
money and then go home that's all that can be eliminated simply and easily for
99 bucks on legal
zoom you can protect your family with a will for just 69 get a living trust
power of attorney they get
the job done right ladies and gentlemen nine out of ten customers would
recommend the service to their
friends and family and you know that i know that one out of every 10 people is
a fucking idiot for sure
at least well that accounts for that one out of 10 i don't know all this point
and click you can't even
do it for me oh this is clever marketing look it says here you get the personal
legal plan and like
that's for babies but a business legal plan that's for adults that is
interesting i would think that that's
actually for family that's how i would look at it you need a will though you
need a family if you're if
you don't have a will and you're an adult you know you're gonna die well the
government just says
we'll take it yeah snatch up most of your money didn't you gotta fucking scrap
for it and figure
out who who deserves it yeah that sucks right that they get to tell i wonder
what the actual laws are
as far as i'm saying the government scratches up all your money but i know they
definitely get a
little bit yeah i don't know how it works it's you know what's fucked man what's
really
fucked is uh inheritance tax which means that say if you tommy buns leave
behind uh a child
uh some money like say one day you're a wealthy man and you gotta put you work
your ass off and
you love the shit out of your kid your kid wants to be a surfer or whatever the
fuck and you're like
i'm gonna give my kid all my money well your kid doesn't get all your money
your kid gets the money
that is left over after he pays taxes on the money that you already paid taxes
on
right it's money that you earn is that estate tax is that what that is called
yeah it's creepy
it's just i would like a piece but you had your piece yeah this is all clean
money it's like if a
guy gives you a hundred dollars he says tommy i like you and i know you would
want a hundred dollars
i'm gonna give you a hundred dollars do you really have to report that for
earning and do you have to
pay taxes on that that's a gift like what are you doing you creepy cunts yeah
you know like you know
when someone's working for someone someone's not you know when someone's
actually getting a paycheck
where someone's getting a gift and you know that inheritance is money that
somebody already
fucking paid for man if you want to leave your kid ten thousand dollars and it
turns out to be
you know six thousand well why not why isn't it ten thousand why do you get
four you fucking creeps
it's changed hands so we gotta we get paid again they double they double taxed
that's why you need
to leave your uh kids money at in bitcoin no you need a little bit better if
you said that without
stumbling right but yeah or maybe cash in a mattress at least stuff it in there
yeah i mean i have a hole
in the ground with a fucking vault in it you know it's just it's it's bizarre
that people think it's
okay to pay taxes on something twice and every you know here's another issue
too when it comes to taxes
and and inheritance and shit people who are broke there's a lot of people that
are ambitious and
they're hard-working and they're struggling they're trying to put it together
but there's a lot of all
also people that are broke that are cunts and they want everybody else to be
broke too and they think
that somehow if you pay more taxes it's going to help the economy or help them
or no it's not it's
going to give money to some fucking people that are going to be incompetent
with it yeah let's be honest
about what the fuck's going on with your taxes it's not like gonna fix the
fucking homeless problem
it's not gonna fix the school system if you take 10 of this guy's money that
his dad left him
just stop you're stealing you're stealing and you're throwing it into an
incompetent system that
has nothing to do with legalzoom.com because legalzoom.com the past 12 years
has helped over
2 million americans and they've saved a ton of money their online process could
not be easier
and they will take care of you from start to finish and you get a special
discount from listening to
this podcast make sure you enter rogan in the referral box at checkout for more
savings
legalzoom is not a law firm but they can connect you with a third-party
attorney and provide you with
self-help services third-party attorneys is really important they're
independent attorneys that they
can connect you with so if you freak out and you're in the middle of filling
out this shit and you're
like god damn it i can't do this they will connect you to a lawyer which you
were going to have to do
in the first place before you found out about legalzoom but most likely you're
not going to need it
you're not one of those one out of ten are you you fuck wit anyway go to legalzoom.com
and see how
they can help you out today use the code word rogan we're also brought to you
by on it.com that's o-n-n-i-t
we are a human optimization site we sell you the best shit we can find whether
it's protein powder or
supplements like digest tech and a digestive enzyme supplement or the the
finest hemp protein powder we
can get we sell all shit that i think can be used to benefit your life to
optimize your health to
sharpen your focus to heighten your mood to make you feel a little groovier to
give your life what
it needs on at 180 is one of my favorite things that i take with me on the road
every time and it's a
nutrient-based rejuvenating energy drink mix i mean when i say energy i don't
mean like like a speed
it's like alpha brain it's got a bunch of different shit in it but it's got shroom
tech it's got 5htp
from new mood it's got the um neuro all the neurotransmitter support of alpha
brain with a bunch of
different shit into it as well that's great when i travel when i do um ufcs or
something and i have to
spend a lot of time on planes and uh also working out when i'm there and dehydrated
and you know and
god forbid if you're out drinking uh this will help it will help in a big way
give your body the
nutrients it deserves ladies and gentlemen it will change your life there's a
lot of fucking talk online
from a lot of salacious headlines about multivitamins don't work when you look
into those
multivitamins don't work claims what you find is that the test that they were
using in order to
determine that multivitamins don't work were really ridiculous what they're
doing is they're saying that
people who are over 65 who have had heart attacks don't benefit from multivitamins
synthetic
multivitamins that's essentially one of their main port uh points of their
study their study had three
parts to it it's a really bizarre study one of them was that they showed that
high dose multivitamins
had no effect on the progression of heart disease and heart attack survivors
the other one was the
male physicians over 65 showed no improvement in cognitive decline using
generic multivitamin
supplementation so what they're doing is they're taking people that are really
fucked up already and
dying old people they're giving them multivitamins that are synthetic generic
generic but they're and
they're not showing improvement in cognitive decline well let's be honest first
of all when someone's
having cognitive decline it's over you're not going to get younger you're going
to get older there's
almost nothing that improves cognitive decline in people who are old and that
are falling apart
almost nothing unless there's some new miracles that come out so what they're
saying is essentially
vitamins can't do miracles they can't do any of the miracles that modern
science and modern medicine
hasn't been able to do either there's no medicines that they can give you that
slow cognitive decline
in old people sure i mean you can maybe cut out a few things in your life that
you're do