Name: Joe Rogan Experience #449 - Justin Martindale
Uploaded: 2014-02-05T02:46:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #449 - Justin Martindale' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-05. Transcript available. Justin Martindale is a stand-up comedian.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #449 - Justin Martindale' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-05. Transcript available. Justin Martindale is a stand-up comedian.

Joe Rogan Experience #449 - Justin Martindale

hey everybody what the fuck it's valentine's day almost it's coming up soon it's
one of those
dangerous holidays we gotta do something can't just forget that one valentine's
is tricky
is it do uh do the gays give out the flowers do they give out the flowers the
same way do the
gays give out the flowers the straights must give out the flowers the gays as
well i don't know i
don't go on dates i say no the answer is no we've got confirmation i mean
either way they end up
dying you know flowers or the gays both jesus we all die flowers and gays this
is fucking jesus we're
just right off the bat i know we're trying to sell flowers here fella this is a
sponsor 1-800flowers.com
uh a really cool sponsor look going to the florist you don't want to get caught
in the florist
what happens you look like a bitch let's be honest if you're a man wandering
into a florist
you look like somebody done whooped you son take care of your shit online keep
your hands clean keep
it on the dl uh this year really wow her with a beautiful bouquet that she
would love from 1-800flowers.com
your rose authority um these are beautiful flowers if you look at some of these
uh bouquets that they sell
uh for valentine's day for whatever for birthdays for anything they're they're
really pretty i'm i
know it's not manly to love flowers but i do yeah flowers i think they're
beautiful they're nature's
artwork i don't know what it is about things that are beautiful that give you a
feeling like when
you see a i'm right here joe beautiful forest when you see a beautiful sunset
like i'm not exactly sure
what beauty is i don't know why it works i don't know what it is about looking
at flowers and make you
go wow hmm i don't know i don't know what it is i feel the same way when i look
at a nice instagrammed
sunset you know yeah what is that but when you see a sunset in real life it's
better way better but
really nice but what is about things that are beautiful i mean i don't know why
would it be
evolutionary advantageous for us to be attracted to the look of flowers why
would it give us such a good
feeling it doesn't really make sense i don't understand it i mean you can't eat
i guess you can eat them
you can eat some of them at least but that's not it i wouldn't i hate that i
don't want to eat a flower
they're supposed to be pretty good yeah they roses like in a salad yeah but i
mean it's just something
it's not right i have uh roses in my yard and deers eat them they're always
eating my flower i should
say deer deer but i'm unsophisticated um 1-800 flowers available through wednesday
february 5th
only that's tomorrow you fucks order 24 stunning multicolored roses for only 29.99
that's a really
awesome deal like a rose for less than a buck 24 of them bam multicolored plus
for just 10 bucks more
you can upgrade them to red roses i actually think i prefer the multicolored
yeah diversity yeah some
people just love this the classics the classic the classic flower the classic
red must be worth more
uh it's an amazing offer two dozen roses for 29.99 this deal ends wednesday february
5th and only while
supplies last so you need to order now before you're locked out son you go
wander around picking daisies
four and she's like what bitch daisies you ain't getting none this way pussy
got some daisies have
you ever done that have you ever gone on a date or gone over to somebody's
house and picked somebody
else's flowers from no no i never have no i don't um i mean i've definitely
bought flowers before i just
can't think of how many times it hasn't been a lot but i would you know i don't
know man people are
weird about that like people some people want people to buy them shit they
would rather you buy them
shit then pick up some flowers somewhere that you saw like i would think if i
was a chick and a guy
came over and he said i saw these flowers and they were you know in a field in
a wild field and they
were really beautiful so i thought i'd bring them over i would like that even
more than someone going
to a fucking store where someone's been raising these things they're not
special okay they're being
raised you want your flowers wild i want them wild yeah wild the problem is
wild flowers look like
shit yeah they're kind of want to get some good looking flowers it's got to go
to 1-800 stamps.com
and uh enter in the code word jre click on the radio microphone in the upper
right hand corner and
enter in the code jre and get yourself this sweet deal available as i said wednesday
february 5th is
when it ends through wednesday february 5th 24 stunning multi-color roses only
$29.99 and for 10 bucks
more you can upgrade them to red roses all right you fucks so go do that chicks
dig it i don't understand it
either but look you want to get laid right you want to keep her happy right i
don't know if you want to keep her happy
you might not want to don't listen to me just don't get that baby's breath
stuff that's weird
what is baby's breath is that that you know what i'm talking about it's like
that white little those little white
little things they put in the flowers you don't like those no and it has a
weird name it just creeps me out
like the baby's breath do not get us baby's breath i remember as a kid i
thought there was a connection
to babies i know i thought it was too i was like do they steal the breath from
babies what kind of
witchcraft is this on valentine's day we're also brought to you by squarespace
squarespace who uh
i got a chance to meet the squarespace guys this weekend in new york city and
uh very very cool guys
uh so it's nice to actually put a face to a company the company is excellent
the product what they sell
they have a website where you can make your own website and it's easy a dummy
like myself could do it
it's all about drag and drop and point and click just the regular functions of
using a computer if
you're you know how to open up microsoft word if you know how to you know fuck
around with your
iphoto or whatever you can figure out how to use squarespace it's not
complicated and it is excellent
and they let you try it before you even buy it you don't have to enter in your
credit card information
just sign up give it a run check it out and you'll go oh this is pretty fucking
badass and then i'll be
like i told you bitch and then once you do that you can uh get 10 off your
purchase um for free trial
and 10 off your purchase if you enter in the code word joe that's just j-o-e no
numbers anymore
squarespace wisen the fuck up and drop the stupid numbers after every joe one
and joe two
squarespace has beautiful designs for you to start with you can start not just
creating your own website
but putting on your own online store including musicians they have it set up
really easily
uh where you can really easily sell digital music from your website
it's uh it's uh it's very dopealicious and uh we are we are very uh very very
happy with this
company that's nice nothing but positive reviews from all of our fans and
friends that have uh have used
it including uh why i know i know cara santa maria organized her all of her
digital media using
squarespace and duncan uses squarespace it was funny because one of the guys
was there it's like we got
our support ticket for duncan trussell and we were like wait a minute what the
fuck is that the real
duncan trussell and duncan duncan trussell need to figure out how to do
something hey man uh 24 7 email support
squarespace.com use the code word joe and save 10% off you fucks we're also
brought to you by onnit.com
that's o-n-n-i-t um it's 2014 freaks did you blow off your new year's
resolution already is it already
over did you already start eating sugar and drinking liquor did you stop
working out already go to onnit.com
o-n-n-i-t and get your fucking life in order get a zombie bell that's kettlebells
that look like
zombies learn how to use them and prepare for the apocalypse because yellowstone
is going to blow
i'm going to talk about that on the podcast today massive volcanic activity
really need the caldera
volcano at yellowstone no so much that they ran out of red ink oh shit there's
so much volcanic
activity that the seismograph ran out of ink jesus fucking louises that's
terrifying we're gonna go
ladies gentlemen anyway get yourself a zombie kettlebell prepare for the
apocalypse you don't
want to be a skinny weak bitch when the apocalypse comes and you don't want to
smoke cigarettes either
so quit the cigarettes and get start off light don't get nutty man get yourself
like a goblin
the brain goblin one is only 18 pounds it seems like it would be too much for
for a weak bitch like
you but i have of confidence that will get you a few exercises with 18 pounds
and build you up to 35 but
most important is uh learn the functional movements of kettlebells before you
use any of these things
i've said it before i'll say it a thousand times because i don't want anybody
getting hurt start off
light learn how to do it either go to a trainer and pay someone to show you
correct movement or be very
careful and watch a dvd and in watch yourself and maybe even film yourself and
watch yourself to see
if you're doing the exact same movements as the dvd so you can really make sure
that you're not
putting any undue stress on any of your joints getting injured when you can
have could have avoided it by
being smart is one of the most frustrating things a person can ever experience
because you just feel
like such a fucking idiot for getting injured doing something that you could
have avoided um we sell all
sorts of fitness equipment that benefits functional movement and what
functional movement is is not just
bodybuilding exercises that make you look better but things that make you your
body work as one unit
like for the longest time people didn't understand lifting weights they would
do like
one body group this day another body group that day and that does make your
muscles grow bigger but what
it doesn't do is get your muscles used to communicating with each other while
doing something and developing
your balance and developing your core strength and there's a lot of things that
bodybuilding type
exercises just don't take care of that's where kettlebells come in it's the
most effective way to
condition your body with weights and you with a 72 pound kettlebell or two 72
pound kettlebells you
literally i don't care how big you are never have to get different kettlebells
72 pounds you can get
ruthless workouts with two 72 pound kettlebells no matter who you are you could
be a fucking heavyweight
you're still going to get a ruthless workout with two set and they'll last
forever these fucking things
are solid metal they will be here long after we're gone the aliens will find
them and they'll try to
fucking piece together our shattered civilization and they'll try to figure out
why we worship zombies and
monkeys but the primal bells and the zombie kettlebells all available at on it.com
as well as a host of the
most nutritious most beneficial supplements that we can find all shit that we
use ourself whether it's
hemp force protein powder or organic coconut oil or himalayan salt or superfoods
like this new supplement
that we have that is uh earth grown nutrients uh all in one daily greens mix
especially beneficial if you
just are too busy to get the perfect diet in which most people are uh balance
yourself out son go to on
all right my friends mad love justin martindale oh shit the joe rogan
experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day
what's up guys hey joe how are you good what's cracking dude you know living a
dream you are living a dream
are you living your dream justin martin live in my dream world yes yeah yeah
things good things are good until the world
ends which yeah tomorrow apparently jesus apparently yellowstone's volcano has
been active today by the way i read
one website about this didn't verify it at all um not only that uh i don't want
to verify it because
what if they're wro