Name: "A Drunken Bike Ride" with Bill Burr (from Joe Rogan Experience #343)
Uploaded: 2014-02-21T23:42:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '"A Drunken Bike Ride" with Bill Burr (from Joe Rogan Experience #343)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '"A Drunken Bike Ride" with Bill Burr (from Joe Rogan Experience #343)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-21. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan experience.
That's one of the things about being a comic in Boston
is that there was a lot of craft to...
I mean, you came along a little bit after me,
after my generation of open micers,
but there was a lot of emphasis put on the craft
of the use of the word fuck.
You could use the word fuck, but don't over-fuck.
Don't break the fuck meter.
That's what guys would say.
Don't break the fuck meter.
I remember that.
Try to keep it to three to five fucks.
Yeah.
Mike Donovan used to say.
Yes!
Donovan was a genius, man.
Donovan is one of those unhurled geniuses.
One of my favorite lines ever is he's talking about
being at work and your boss breaking your balls
about going on break.
And one of my favorite, one of those blue-collar details
that I never heard anybody bring up on stage,
he was imitating giving shit to his boss.
He said, I'll take a 20-minute shit on the clock if I want.
And I was just like, oh, my God.
I used to work with a guy who did that
every day, just dogging it, just hating his life.
He would grab the newspaper.
It was just like, we just had a break.
The Roach coach pulled up.
We just had the break.
And he used it to get, he was so fucking miserable
to get from the break, to get to lunch.
He had this routine where he would go and he's like,
I have to go to the bathroom.
And we would all break his balls.
It's like, Joe, you fucking went in there for like nine hours,
you know, and he would just laugh.
And he would just walk in, sit down, and just read the newspaper.
I don't even think he was taking a shit.
He would just sit on this bowl just to have this like,
I never forget that shit.
Like how lucky my life is to tell jokes.
Let's just like, that like your game plan is you hate your job so bad
that you pretend to take a shit for 20 minutes every day
just to get to lunch.
That's a lot of guys.
You can get fired for that.
Oh, nowadays with all the cameras and everything,
they can literally break down exactly when you,
because back in the day, ah, fuck, it was six minutes.
Yeah, they would bring it to you.
You have a hernia?
How quick am I supposed to take a shit?
They'd bring it to a diet counselor.
Try to get you.
We have to figure out some sort of a way to optimize your time better
here at Performance Inc.
You're upsetting the people in the cubicles that you're walking by
as you go to the, ah, as you go to the toilet.
They're there pulling your load while you're shitting.
That was one of the dumbest things we ever did.
We used to, we used to ship out like this computer software.
We were the middleman between like software companies
and people ordering software.
This is like the 80s, so there's no internet.
So people would come to our company,
I mean the company I worked for,
where they had all this software,
Lotus 1, 2, 3, D-Base 3, all this old school shit.
And one day we got into this stupid guy competitive thing,
like fucking morons.
We didn't realize it, like who was shipping out the most.
So we started saving them, competing with one another.
And this guy shipped out 100 packages.
So the next day I did 120 and then he did 160.
We were fighting and then the fucking management got room for it.
They're like, oh yeah, why don't you start keeping a number?
And then they figured out who was being the most efficient
and guys started losing their job.
So even back then I was like, dude, guys, stop fucking doing it.
Stop doing it.
Because we're literally cutting our own fucking...
Well, you put yourself in a race that's, there's no winner.
Yeah, but we didn't know any better.
Yeah.
We didn't know any better.
We were idiots.
We were like 19, 20.
Dude, we used to fucking go out and drink like a 12-pack of beer
and eat McDonald's at 1 in the morning.
And by like 8 o'clock we were unloading trucks, fine, laughing.
And then we would work.
We'd do all this shit.
And then during lunch hour we would go out and play basketball
in like just regular sneakers and like 501 blues.
Remember that?
The button fly.
And you'd be out there.
You'd come back in pouring sweat and then just keep unloading.
It's the greatest shape I was ever in in my life.
And then in the end of work I would then go lift and go ride a bike.
Dude, I remember one time I'm on a bike ride hammered.
I was so into working out.
Fucking bike ride.
I'm on like a 12-speed bike that I bought one.
I still have it, by the way, in my garage.
I refuse to throw shit out.
And I remember being hammered on the bike and I'm sweating
so I'm becoming more hammered.
And I was going to do this 11-mile loop.
Then it became 07 and then I just kind of came back.
And I was like on the bike laughing.
And I was like 20, 21 and was only beginning to understand
the fragility of life.
And I knew that what I was doing was stupid.
But I couldn't get – I just kept picturing my friends laughing at me.
And I was literally by myself riding this bike laughing drunk driving up the
street.
Dude, I've been here for two and a half hours.
I'm just taking snippets from fucking the 80s.
I got nothing left.
You used to be able to bounce back so well when you're young.
It's amazing when you're 20 years old.
You can get hammered and the next day you barely feel anything.
Dude, I used to go to McDonald's and tear down that place.
I would get two quarter pounds of cheese, a large fry, a six-piece McNugget.
And I never liked them.
I never liked them.
I never thought – and I used to try the different sauces.
I used to go with the mustard.
It never tastes good.
I just wanted something to fill the void.
And then I would get like a couple of cheeseburgers and I think just a giant
Coke and just throw that down and wake up the next day with a flat stomach.
And I already drank like, you know, eight, nine beers.
We got into a fight one time right under the Golden Archers and the next town
over.
I don't know what happened.
These guys came in drunk, classic Boston shit.
They just come walking in and they give everybody the finger.
Of course, we respond to it.
And next thing you know, we're out underneath the Golden Archers.
There's like five of us and two of them.
And my buddy who always fought, he starts swinging on the big one.
And then the little one, he sort of jumped in.
It just became this big – it looked like wrestling, you know, when they all
come running out of the dressing room to help each other.
We're on snow.
Everybody's drunk, just falling down.
We were so fucking drunk.
The cops were there like sort of misting mace for like – I don't know how
long.
Like we didn't even see him pull up.
It was just like being in the fucking fight.
And then all of a sudden, everybody's like eyes are like tearing up and shit.
And then what was hilarious was they just broke us up and they fucking – and
then like two seconds later, we're back in our car.
And the same two guys we were fighting were coming back up to the car.
It's like, where did the cops go?
I thought it was over.
And the guy's like, that was a bullshit punch.
I remember the little one goes – I said, I remember he goes.
We laugh at your shit.
It was fucking nuts.
I got to give it up to him.
It was, you know, fucking four on two or whatever.
And they didn't give a shit.
They laughed.
They definitely laughed at our shit.
They didn't care.
They ate that mace and they came right back.
They were ready.
Yeah, once you get maced.
Right up to our Ford Escort.
They did not give a fuck.
If you're still into the fight and you just got maced, you need a hobby.
If something happened, I don't – nobody got it full on.
Like, it was just like your – I thought – we thought it was the snow.
Like, they had thrown rock salt because we were on the ground.
I don't know what it was.
But it was just, like, unbelievably fucking – but we were hammered.
It sounds like a fucking police car pulled up and nobody noticed.
That's hilarious.
I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey, whatever was going on.
Yeah.