Name: "5 Decisions Away" with Matt Paxton (from Joe Rogan Experience #196)
Uploaded: 2014-05-10T18:28:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '"5 Decisions Away" with Matt Paxton (from Joe Rogan Experience #196)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '"5 Decisions Away" with Matt Paxton (from Joe Rogan Experience #196)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-10. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan experience.
It's amazing that you're like, you're so entrenched in them.
Yeah, you seem like a pretty together dude.
I think so.
I mean, kids changed me.
I mean, I got a two-year-old and a five-month-old.
And my wife changed me.
I mean, I never thought I'd get married.
I mean, I was living, when I got on Hoarders, I was living on a buddy's couch.
I was cleaning up shit for $12 an hour.
Literally shoveling shit for $12 an hour.
And anybody would hire me.
Like a dog?
Like people's dogs?
No, people's houses.
I'd go into a Hoarders house and clean up their shit for $12 an hour.
So before the show, even?
Yeah, I've been cleaning houses for four years.
When I hit rock bottom, I mean, I literally lost everything.
I was living on a buddy's couch for $200 a month.
And I couldn't come up with $200.
The third month, he was like, dude, you know, we're 30, man.
Like, you got to do something, man.
I mean, I talked to some of my old podcast.
My 30th birthday, I was engaged to another girl.
And I realized, like, my life is a fucking joke.
Like, I can't pull her into this.
I got no business being married.
And so I called off the wedding, like, a month before I was getting married.
Wow.
And that was a hard decision.
And I was living on my buddy's couch.
And it was my 30th birthday, which, you know, is a milestone in your head.
And I said to my mom, I was like, well, what do you want?
It's been a hell of a year.
And I was like, I need a pair of running shoes.
And I couldn't afford.
I was trying to run a marathon that year.
And I couldn't afford a pair of shoes to run.
I didn't have enough money.
I owed, like, $100,000 in credit cards.
I mean, it was scary.
So I started cleaning up old ladies' houses.
Wow.
And how did you get that job?
Like, how did you?
My dad died.
The biggest thing, important thing in my life for me was my dad dying when I
was 24.
And that changed my life.
I mean, my dad, I was a fucking asshole.
I was just a piece of shit.
All I cared about was drinking, gambling, and nailing women.
All three great things.
Don't get me wrong.
I mean, my 20s were really fun.
Sounds like you had a good time.
Why'd you stop?
At a blast.
I really did.
When you're talking to a guy, I spent a good deal of my youth in pool halls.
Yeah.
I mean, a hustle.
I was a hustler, man.
Gambling addicts on a regular basis.
It's very, very common.
Yeah.
I mean, for me, I hadn't honed my hustle in the right place.
I'm still a hustler.
I'm just doing it on TV in a positive way.
I never changed who I am.
I've learned I'm able to make more money in a positive way than I am in a
negative way.
People don't talk like I talk.
They don't say the things I say.
And I've learned just being brutally honest is the best hustle there is.
Well, how did you get into this environment where you were around like gamblers?
And how did all this happen?
Well, oh, man.
I just, I love it.
The first time I went to a casino, I fell in love with it, man.
How old were you?
College.
This guy, George.
So that's when you became a gambling addict?
Yeah.
George, yeah.
This guy, George Roman.
He had Tourette's.
Really cool dude.
He was a very confident guy.
He had Tourette's, but he didn't give a shit.
It was like your problem that he had Tourette's, not his.
Wow, that's awesome.
He's a very confident guy.
And so I was like very attracted.
I was like, man, this is a cool fucking guy.
Right.
Like he put it on you.
He did not care that he had Tourette's.
And he would get the hottest chicks at school.
Wow.
He's a really awesome, confident guy.
And my dad always told me, he's like, you're never going to be the best looking
guy.
You'll never be the hardest working guy.
You got to be the most confident.
Because I think that's your only in.
Like you got no other valuable thing.
Dad just broke you off.
No, he just was honest.
He said, listen, son, you ain't George Clooney.
You're not going to be rich.
Yeah, you're not going to be rich.
You're not going to be any of that stuff.
Here's your dick.
Here's a ruler.
Yeah.
You ain't got a big dick.
It is what it is.
And my dad got mad, mad women.
I mean, he got, and he was so ugly.
But he just, women loved him.
He knew how to be a man.
He was honest.
He talked honest.
And he treated them like, he treated them with respect and as a woman.
And so I learned a lot from him.
But when my dad died, I went to this little place called Comfort Zone Camp.
It's a camp for kids that have lost their dads.
And so I was in L.A.
We helped to build the L.A. camp.
And my wife and I did.
But I met her there.
But we helped build these camps for these kids that all their dads had died in
drive-bys.
So you meet all these 12-year-old kids that are going in.
You know, they're getting recruited by gangs already.
Because their dads have already, their 23-year-old dads, you know, have been
killed.
25-year-old dads.
So we learned.
I mean, I just, grief was a huge part early on.
And so for me, like, when I got out of my early rock bottom and I realized it's
time to get going,
where I figured that out, the doing good versus doing bad was at this camp.
I got addicted to that camp.
I volunteered every single weekend.
And I would just, I mean, I'd go away for three nights and hang out with these
kids.
And that's when I got my new addiction was then.
Wow.
And it changed my life.
That place changed my life.
I met my wife there.
I came up with a new business, my business, Clutter Cleaner.
I came up with it there, helping these kids.
I met a lot of great women and met my wife there.
So, I mean, I wouldn't have what I have.
How did you pull yourself out of the gambling spiral?
You said you found yourself in a ditch.
I ran like a fucking chicken, man.
I mean, I got my ass kicked by a bookie.
Right.
You owed money.
I owed $40,000.
And the night before, I had $10 left to my name.
I knew I owed this bookie.
Well, I mean, I think it was $40,000.
And it was a lot.
I knew I only had $10 in my pocket.
My girlfriend was waiting for me.
I was in Lake Tahoe.
She was waiting for me at the top of the hill up at Heavenly.
And I was gambling all night.
I kind of had $10.
I had $5 in my mind.
I thought I had $5 at the end of the night.
And I was like, I better put this down.
I got to get a cab ride home.
So I was giving up.
I had $5 to my name.
And I owed $40 to the bookie.
$40,000.
Yeah.
Which, for a 24-year-old kid not making that, is a lot of money.
And so I put the chip down.
Lost.
Came out.
I had no money.
I lost my last dollar.
Came out.
I had nothing.
And it was like, I got a fucking problem.
And so I was looking at the cabbie.
And he's like the guy that drove me back every night.
And he was like, he looked at me.
And I was like, I got no money, man.
So I started walking uphill, five miles uphill to the ski resort.
Tahoe's a very awesome, isolating place.
So it was a five-mile incline road as we went up.
And I'm walking up this thing.
And he came up, picked me up.
And he was like, dude, you got to get your life together, man.
You got to quit gambling.
And I remember this.
And at that point, I was still judging people.
And I was like, looking at this.
I was like, this poor, stupid cab driver.
No God knows what happened to him.
And I was totally judging him.
Right.
Yet, he's saving me.
He's picking me up.
And so I'm still treating this guy, like, in my mind, like a piece of shit.
And he picks me up.
He drops me off.
And I'm like, can I give you anything?
Can I, can I, and he's like, dude, just stop gambling.
And he looked at me like, just fucking stop.
And that's what made you stop?
Well, and I called my mom the next morning.
And she's like, you're on your own.
So then I went, I called the bookie.
And I was like, I don't know what I'm going to do, man.
I don't have the money.
And I mean, this was like a movie.
He's like, no worries, man.
Everything's going to be fine.
We'll work it out.
What do you have?
And I was like, I might be able to scrounge up $1,000.
He goes, no worries.
Come on down.
I'll meet you down this afternoon.
So I was like, this isn't like movies at all.
This is great.
This, we're going to work it out.
And I went down.
He took the $1,000 and he beat the shit out of me.
Broke my nose.
I totally was just clueless.
And he just, he broke my nose and beat the shit out of me.
That was my rock bottom.
And I was like, what the fuck am I going to do?
So I called around.
I called an old boss.
And I told him what it, my mom had already said, you're on your own.
Find a legal way out.
And that was the night where I put a lot of dumb shit on the board.
And I was like, all right, I'll just be a prostitute or I'll do whatever.
Like, I was like, I'll, you know, I was like, I can be mentally strong.
I can figure this out.
And I was lying to myself saying, I can figure this out.
Wow.
And so ended up, an old boss got me a job in Chicago.
And he goes, when can you get, this was a Tuesday night.
And he goes, when can you get there?
And I was like, Friday.
He goes, you start Friday.
They're going to pay off the bookie, but you're going to have to work for a
year to pay.
They're going to take it out.
Peace out every night.
Wow.
And I was like, great.
Thank you.
And I literally, my buddy, I didn't have money to get home.
So I had to play poker that night.
I borrowed 50 bucks from a buddy and won enough money playing poker to get gas
money.
Oh, my God.
And that's how I drove home.
And I never gambled again.
Really?
You just quit?
I quit.
I ran away.
And I still run away.
I still run away today.
Wow.
I just don't.
I mean, like, this is the worst week for me, the first NCAA tournament.
Oh, you were a basketball person?
Killing me.
Oh, my God.
I love it.
So do you still watch it?
Oh, yeah.
Love it.
Oh, wow.
No.
I just don't do the sheets.
I delete all the emails.
Wow.
That's crazy.
So you're just battling it every day, huh?
You know, I don't.
Sort of.
But you have a handle on it.
Yeah.
I mean, I haven't gambled in eight years.
I don't really.
Eight years?
Yeah.
I mean, my kids are just wearing me out.
And I don't really have the effort for that kind of stuff anymore.
Does it still draw you, though?
Every once in a while, I get that itch.
Yeah.
Every once in a while, I get that.
Like, I had it this year.
I had a really bad itch.
And I had a flight to Vegas to do a Hoarders episode.
And it wasn't even in Vegas.
I just had a three-hour layover.
And I was like, fuck yeah, I'm going downtown.
And I got excited.
And I hadn't had that itch in a long time.
Like, I can drink.
I can smoke.
I can do whatever because I can walk away.
I can't walk away from a table.
That's my weakness.
I don't know how to walk away.
If I have a dollar or ten grand, I'm going to fucking blow it.
So is it your special brain chemistry?
Whatever it is in your mind?
For me, that's it.
When gambling comes up, you just bing.
I love it.
You just connect.
That's my ultimate way of shoving it to the man.
I'm like, I'm better than you.
I can do this.
Really?
That's what it is?
Yeah, it's a self-worth thing.
I was looking for self-worth.
So how do you get self-worth out of gambling?
For me, that's where it went, man.
I mean, for you, you might get...
I mean, where do you get your self-worth?
I don't know.
I get it.
I'm trying to think about it.
Yeah, my new thing now is like, I really know that I'm making a difference on
these podcasts.
So I dig that.
I'm starting to get it.
That's where I'm getting my rush.
What is your podcast called again?
It's called Five Decisions Away.
Five Decisions Away.
And what is essentially?
What is it?
Well, it's about...
It just recounts all my mistakes over the last 15 years.
I was doing a hoarders in New York City where this guy had an acre in Brooklyn,
a massive
property in Brooklyn.
This guy inherited it from his dad and it had about six feet of bicycles all
the way through
the yard.
So an acre at six feet high.
Think of the metal.
The value of that metal was probably a hundred grand in metal.
And he had a bum living in his yard.
So inside the hoard, there was a bum living there.
Oh my God.
And that was one of the things we had to clean up.
We had to get rid of the bum.
So I was literally...
I mean, this is two years ago.
I'm sitting here in Brooklyn hanging out with this bum.
His name is Gregory.
I'll never forget him.
And I was like...
And this is the cool thing about hoarders.
I get to meet all these dudes.
Right.
And I was like, all right, Gregory, how'd you end up here, man?
Because he had...
I mean, he had a bunch of like 40 ounces.
He had a bunch of these Magnum condoms.
And so I was like, fuck yeah, this guy's getting more ass than I am.
And he lives in a fucking shack, you know?
And he's being responsible.
It turns out he was huffing.
I didn't realize he was just huffing gasoline.
Huffing gasoline with the condoms?
Yeah.
They would fill up the condoms and then with the fumes.
And I thought he was getting ass.
I didn't realize he was just trying to get high.
He kicked me in the nuts, you know?
You want to talk about a job that must keep you grounded in like the
possibilities of reality.
Not necessarily your reality, but the possibilities.
And that's what we came with five decisions away.
Because back to when we finished it, that bum sitting in the yard, I asked him
how he got
there.
And he goes, oh, I was a stockbroker.
And I was like, get out of here.
Whoa.
And I'm like, either he's full of shit or this is real.
So I went with it, you know?
And I was like, what do you mean you were struck?
He goes, I was a stockbroker and a girl broke my heart.
And I go, you're telling me you're living in this guy's yard because a girl
broke your
heart?
He goes, well, I got addicted to crack too, but the girl broke my heart.
And I was like, yeah, the crack might have something to do with it.
But he lived in a fucking shack.
And so I looked at the camera and I go, I guess we are all really five
decisions away from
shit in the bucket.
Yeah.
Wow.
And that just stuck.
And when I said that, people ran with it.
And I'm clearly five, I've had many five decisions away from shit in the bucket.
And I mean, a couple of things different happened and my life could have been
totally different.
Yeah.
It might not even be five.
It could be one.
It's a bad one.
Yeah.

"5 Decisions Away" with Matt Paxton (from Joe Rogan Experience #196)

The Joe Rogan experience.
It's amazing that you're like, you're so entrenched in them.
Yeah, you seem like a pretty together dude.
I think so.
I mean, kids changed me.
I mean, I got a two-year-old and a five-month-old.
And my wife changed me.
I mean, I never thought I'd get married.
I mean, I was living, when I got on Hoarders, I was living on a buddy's couch.
I was cleaning up shit for $12 an hour.
Literally shoveling shit for $12 an hour.
And anybody would hire me.
Like a dog?
Like people's dogs?
No, people's houses.
I'd go into a Hoarders house and clean up their shit for $12 an hour.
So before the show, even?
Yeah, I've been cleaning houses for four years.
When I hit rock bottom, I mean, I literally lost everything.
I was living on a buddy's couch for $200 a month.
And I couldn't come up with $200.
The third month, he was like, dude, you know, we're 30, man.
Like, you got to do something, man.
I mean, I talked to some of my old podcast.
My 30th birthday, I was engaged to another girl.
And I realized, like, my life is a fucking joke.
Like, I can't pull her into this.
I got no business being married.
And so I called off the wedding, like, a month before I was getting married.
Wow.
And that was a hard decision.
And I was living on my buddy's couch.
And it was my 30th birthday, which, you know, is a milestone in your head.
And I said to my mom, I was like, well, what do you want?
It's been a hell of a year.
And I was like, I need a pair of running shoes.
And I couldn't afford.
I was trying to run a marathon that year.
And I couldn't afford a pair of shoes to run.
I didn't have enough money.
I owed, like, $100,000 in credit cards.
I mean, it was scary.
So I started cleaning up old ladies' houses.
Wow.
And how did you get that job?
Like, how did you?
My dad died.
The biggest thing, important thing in my life for me was my dad dying when I
was 24.
And that changed my life.
I mean, my dad, I was a fucking asshole.
I was just a piece of shit.
All I cared about was drinking, gambling, and nailing women.
All three great things.
Don't get me wrong.
I mean, my 20s were really fun.
Sounds like you had a good time.
Why'd you stop?
At a blast.
I really did.
When you're talking to a guy, I spent a good deal of my youth in pool halls.
Yeah.
I mean, a hustle.
I was a hustler, man.
Gambling addicts on a regular basis.
It's very, very common.
Yeah.
I mean, for me, I hadn't honed my hustle in the right place.
I'm still a hustler.
I'm just doing it on TV in a positive way.
I never changed who I am.
I've learned I'm able to make more money in a positive way than I am in a
negative way.
People don't talk like I talk.
They don't say the things I say.
And I've learned just being brutally honest is the best hustle there is.
Well, how did you get into this environment where you were around like gamblers?
And how did all this happen?
Well, oh, man.
I just, I love it.
The first time I went to a casino, I fell in love with it, man.
How old were you?
College.
This guy, George.
So that's when you became a gambling addict?
Yeah.
George, yeah.
This guy, George Roman.
He had Tourette's.
Really cool dude.
He was a very confident guy.
He had Tourette's, but he didn't give a shit.
It was like your problem that he had Tourette's, not his.
Wow, that's awesome.
He's a very confident guy.
And so I was like very attracted.
I was like, man, this is a cool fucking guy.
Right.
Like he put it on you.
He did not care that he had Tourette's.
And he would get the hottest chicks at school.
Wow.
He's a really awesome, confident guy.
And my dad always told me, he's like, you're never going to be the best looking
guy.
You'll never be the hardest working guy.
You got to be the most confident.
Because I think that's your only in.
Like you got no other valuable thing.
Dad just broke you off.
No, he just was honest.
He said, listen, son, you ain't George Clooney.
You're not going to be rich.
Yeah, you're not going to be rich.
You're not going to be any of that stuff.
Here's your dick.
Here's a ruler.
Yeah.
You ain't got a big dick.
It is what it is.
And my dad got mad, mad women.
I mean, he got, and he was so ugly.
But he just, women loved him.
He knew how to be a man.
He was honest.
He talked honest.
And he treated them like, he treated them with respect and as a woman.
And so I learned a lot from him.
But when my dad died, I went to this little place called Comfort Zone Camp.
It's a camp for kids that have lost their dads.
And so I was in L.A.
We helped to build the L.A. camp.
And my wife and I did.
But I met her there.
But we helped build these camps for these kids that all their dads had died in
drive-bys.
So you meet all these 12-year-old kids that are going in.
You know, they're getting recruited by gangs already.
Because their dads have already, their 23-year-old dads, you know, have been
killed.
25-year-old dads.
So we learned.
I mean, I just, grief was a huge part early on.
And so for me, like, when I got out of my early rock bottom and I realized it's
time to get going,
where I figured that out, the doing good versus doing bad was at this camp.
I got addicted to that camp.
I volunteered every single weekend.
And I would just, I mean, I'd go away for three nights and hang out with these
kids.
And that's when I got my new addiction was then.
Wow.
And it changed my life.
That place changed my life.
I met my wife there.
I came up with a new business, my business, Clutter Cleaner.
I came up with it there, helping these kids.
I met a lot of great women and met my wife there.
So, I mean, I wouldn't have what I have.
How did you pull yourself out of the gambling spiral?
You said you found yourself in a ditch.
I ran like a fucking chicken, man.
I mean, I got my ass kicked by a bookie.
Right.
You owed money.
I owed $40,000.
And the night before, I had $10 left to my name.
I knew I owed this bookie.
Well, I mean, I think it was $40,000.
And it was a lot.
I knew I only had $10 in my pocket.
My girlfriend was waiting for me.
I was in Lake Tahoe.
She was waiting for me at the top of the hill up at Heavenly.
And I was gambling all night.
I kind of had $10.
I had $5 in my mind.
I thought I had $5 at the end of the night.
And I was like, I better put this down.
I got to get a cab ride home.
So I was giving up.
I had $5 to my name.
And I owed $40 to the bookie.
$40,000.
Yeah.
Which, for a 24-year-old kid not making that, is a lot of money.
And so I put the chip down.
Lost.
Came out.
I had no money.
I lost my last dollar.
Came out.
I had nothing.
And it was like, I got a fucking problem.
And so I was looking at the cabbie.
And he's like the guy that drove me back every night.
And he was like, he looked at me.
And I was like, I got no money, man.
So I started walking uphill, five miles uphill to the ski resort.
Tahoe's a very awesome, isolating place.
So it was a five-mile incline road as we went up.
And I'm walking up this thing.
And he came up, picked me up.
And he was like, dude, you got to get your life together, man.
You got to quit gambling.
And I remember this.
And at that point, I was still judging people.
And I was like, looking at this.
I was like, this poor, stupid cab driver.
No God knows what happened to him.
And I was totally judging him.
Right.
Yet, he's saving me.
He's picking me up.
And so I'm still treating this guy, like, in my mind, like a piece of shit.
And he picks me up.
He drops me off.
And I'm like, can I give you anything?
Can I, can I, and he's like, dude, just stop gambling.
And he looked at me like, just fucking stop.
And that's what made you stop?
Well, and I called my mom the next morning.
And she's like, you're on your own.
So then I went, I called the bookie.
And I was like, I don't know what I'm going to do, man.
I don't have the money.
And I mean, this was like a movie.
He's like, no worries, man.
Everything's going to be fine.
We'll work it out.
What do you have?
And I was like, I might be able to scrounge up $1,000.
He goes, no worries.
Come on down.
I'll meet you down this afternoon.
So I was like, this isn't like movies at all.
This is great.
This, we're going to work it out.
And I went down.
He took the $1,000 and he beat the shit out of me.
Broke my nose.
I totally was just clueless.
And he just, he broke my nose and beat the shit out of me.
That was my rock bottom.
And I was like, what the fuck am I going to do?
So I called around.
I called an old boss.
And I told him what it, my mom had already said, you're on your own.
Find a legal way out.
And that was the night where I put a lot of dumb shit on the board.
And I was like, all right, I'll just be a prostitute or I'll do whatever.
Like, I was like, I'll, you know, I was like, I can be mentally strong.
I can figure this out.
And I was lying to myself saying, I can figure this out.
Wow.
And so ended up, an old boss got me a job in Chicago.
And he goes, when can you get, this was a Tuesday night.
And he goes, when can you get there?
And I was like, Friday.
He goes, you start Friday.
They're going to pay off the bookie, but you're going to have to work for a
year to pay.
They're going to take it out.
Peace out every night.
Wow.
And I was like, great.
Thank you.
And I literally, my buddy, I didn't have money to get home.
So I had to play poker that night.
I borrowed 50 bucks from a buddy and won enough money playing poker to get gas
money.
Oh, my God.
And that's how I drove home.
And I never gambled again.
Really?
You just quit?
I quit.
I ran away.
And I still run away.
I still run away today.
Wow.
I just don't.
I mean, like, this is the worst week for me, the first NCAA tournament.
Oh, you were a basketball person?
Killing me.
Oh, my God.
I love it.
So do you still watch it?
Oh, yeah.
Love it.
Oh, wow.
No.
I just don't do the sheets.
I delete all the emails.
Wow.
That's crazy.
So you're just battling it every day, huh?
You know, I don't.
Sort of.
But you have a handle on it.
Yeah.
I mean, I haven't gambled in eight years.
I don't really.
Eight years?
Yeah.
I mean, my kids are just wearing me out.
And I don't really have the effort for that kind of stuff anymore.
Does it still draw you, though?
Every once in a while, I get that itch.
Yeah.
Every once in a while, I get that.
Like, I had it this year.
I had a really bad itch.
And I had a flight to Vegas to do a Hoarders episode.
And it wasn't even in Vegas.
I just had a three-hour layover.
And I was like, fuck yeah, I'm going downtown.
And I got excited.
And I hadn't had that itch in a long time.
Like, I can drink.
I can smoke.
I can do whatever because I can walk away.
I can't walk away from a table.
That's my weakness.
I don't know how to walk away.
If I have a dollar or ten grand, I'm going to fucking blow it.
So is it your special brain chemistry?
Whatever it is in your mind?
For me, that's it.
When gambling comes up, you just bing.
I love it.
You just connect.
That's my ultimate way of shoving it to the man.
I'm like, I'm better than you.
I can do this.
Really?
That's what it is?
Yeah, it's a self-worth thing.
I was looking for self-worth.
So how do you get self-worth out of gambling?
For me, that's where it went, man.
I mean, for you, you might get...
I mean, where do you get your self-worth?
I don't know.
I get it.
I'm trying to think about it.
Yeah, my new thing now is like, I really know that I'm making a difference on
these podcasts.
So I dig that.
I'm starting to get it.
That's where I'm getting my rush.
What is your podcast called again?
It's called Five Decisions Away.
Five Decisions Away.
And what is essentially?
What is it?
Well, it's about...
It just recounts all my mistakes over the last 15 years.
I was doing a hoarders in New York City where this guy had an acre in Brooklyn,
a massive
property in Brooklyn.
This guy inherited it from his dad and it had about six feet of bicycles all
the way through
the yard.
So an acre at six feet high.
Think of the metal.
The value of that metal was probably a hundred grand in metal.
And he had a bum living in his yard.
So inside the hoard, there w