Name: Joe Rogan Experience #500 - Doug Stanhope & Tom Rhodes
Uploaded: 2014-05-14T12:31:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #500 - Doug Stanhope & Tom Rhodes' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #500 - Doug Stanhope & Tom Rhodes' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-14. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #500 - Doug Stanhope & Tom Rhodes

this is episode 500 of the you know my name podcast 500 can't say my name
anymore 500 i've
decided that it's very douchey if you say your own name you know joe rogan as
much as you possibly
could avoid i'll say your own name this episode is brought to you by legal zoom
any legal troubles
tom roads not lately phew doug stanhope any not yet not yet well if you do have
legal troubles
like say if you want well here's the best use of it not troubles but issues
like incorporation you
can incorporate with legal zoom did you know that yes i know that did you know
you could do it cheap
you could form an llc for just under 99 bucks or just 99 bucks and up before i
fuck a girl on the
road i have paperwork that's printed off from legal zoom.com saying that she is
consenting to be here
you're gonna need that someday we're gonna need videotaped confessions it's
very important so
congratulations on taking that first step have this uh option maybe we can ask
them you know what
i think it's i think it's a project they're working on it why are you putting
mo cane in there what are
you doing because it just said what are you searching for and just what's mo
cane mushrooms and cocaine
oh do you think the legal zoom knows about that uh they say no don't put that
in the commercial
they're not actual legal representatives but they do provide a fantastic
service so you can be your
own legal representative exactly douglas stanhope such a good pitch man on top
of that you're probably
the best ever and uh on top of that they can connect you to an attorney if you
panic a third
party attorney so if the shit hits the fan you're filling out the legal zoom
paperwork and you're like
you know what i feel very jaily i feel like i'm going to jail i'm feeling kind
of you can call that uh
emergency number from legal zoom they'll look out the window read a billboard
and send you to some saul goodman breaking bad motherfucker no they won't do
that saul goodman
did a hell of a job in that good goddamn attorney uh anyway this month legal
this is the part i'm
supposed to read this month legal zoom celebrates innovation by helping you
launch your dream
how do you do that legal zoom paternity is my favorite what about you tom oh
paternity lawsuits
you ever been accused in a paternity suit no i haven't i was about 10 years ago
it was frightening boof that's rough do we have time for the story we still do
it after the commercial
i want to hear it i want to hear you unless you're gonna bum me out man no no
okay anyway uh go to
legalzoom.com please so i can stop and uh use the use the referral code rogan
at checkout to save
some money celebrate innovation with legal zoom through the end of june and get
a special price on
trademark copyright or provincial patent applications by using the referral
code rogan at checkout
do it do it doug stanhope you know you want to hey you know that collection of
fucking chewbacca's and
other star wars memorabilia that's your only valuables who's gonna get that if
you die who's
that guy who are you hanging out with we're also brought to the listeners yeah
they i don't think
there's a lot of dudes out there you don't want your stepmother getting those
collectibles
go to legal zoom get a will what if they're signed who's who is chewbacca
everybody knows who han solo
was you know everybody knows that's hair oh i have them in the death pool stand
up celebrity death
pool hey i get a plug yeah please chewbacca is a actually like seven foot dude
that's aging now and
i was gonna take him in my death pool and then joe be the guy who runs it said
i already got him
oh we did some insider trading you can't all have the same guys they're like
great dates seven foot
guys at 60 years old no no you're not around for long yes somebody asked that
to wilt chamberlain
he went up to wilt chamberlain and was having a conversation with him it's like
you know guys
that are this as tall as you they don't really live forever and apparently wilt
chamberlain was like
hey man fuck you was it stuttering john i don't know who it was but it was rude
and true apparently
it's hard pump all that blood up into that ticker yeah seven foot tall dude if
i was seven foot tall
i'd be in bed right now does it by my legs over my heart does the reverse work
if you're like a small
person do you live longer no no they die quick too i i i went a lot of guinness
book in my last death
pool picks what's what do you think midgets would make it to a hundred that
would be like what's like
the good like size to live long is like five four what's the world average
right the chinese
tend to live a long time i know brian my fucking filthy scotsman manager is chomping
at the bit
because he knows all these dumb facts but he said mediterranean people tend to
live the longest but i
would say that's a diet thing though right the asians and also like fish they
get around a lot of other
nice people they have these villages they all know each other's a lot of love
that apparently
actually extends lifespan less stress yeah a lot less stress very bisby like doug
stanhope a lot of
things that they don't account for when they just generalize people exactly
they say asians don't
get a lot of lung cancer but they have no dairy in their diet so they take
those two things and go
oh well i go well i won't drink milk and eat cheese and i'll just keep chain
smoking and i'll be
japanese forever i don't know what you're talking about but we're also brought
to you by ting and if
you go to rogan dot ting dot com you can save yourself some money and some
excellent cell phone
service doug stanhope these ting uses a sprint backbone which means it is these
sound so goofy
when you're doing them in the middle we should have when you have to look at
your friends when
you're doing them you know what tom and i'll just stare at you blankly and roll
our eyes
thumb wrestle while he does the commercials i'm not embarrassed to do a goddamn
commercial how dare
you hey the only way the only way you get paid is if someone does you do a
commercial they have
that new uh galaxy s5 on there though with the uh thumbprint scanner and uh all
the heart rate
monitor yeah you know you can do that on an iphone too i just found out that a
lot actually you do
that on almost any phone that has a camera really they have these applications
you read uh it reads the
flash jamie showed it to me it reads the flash from the phone apparently lights
up your thumb and
through that the camera can see the actual blood pumping in your finger jesus
and so that's how it
reads your your actual heartbeat from an application on a regular phone i just
want to stay alive to
see what shit is like in 20 years of technology is so incredible now what's it
going to be like in 20
years lighter my cigarettes i don't know i have a full package of cigarettes
somewhere um how accurate is
that you got it like is there super accurate super accurate yeah it's dead on i've
tried it with that
and a heart rate monitor at the same time it's dead on it's crazy you know what
i've heard about ting
is they're fantastic oh you haven't heard that i don't bullshit people doug
stanhope who is trending
on twitter what ting does is they rent time on the sprint backbone but they do
it in a way where you can
cancel anytime you want you own your phone it's on any bullshit where you have
to pay them back 300 bucks
because no contract financing no contract fucking scam biggest scam in the
world not only that no
early termination fees which is another big scam here's another scam the actual
minutes when they
charge you x minutes you get 50 minutes per month and you know this amount of
data the reality is a lot
of times you pay for way more than you're using you're not using a lot of your
minutes with ting you
only pay for what you use it really is a great way to do it like you don't have
to like you don't
have a you know 250 a month bill or whatever the fuck it is it's like if you
were out of the country
if you were only making a few calls in a week you say you know what i'm not
even fucking texting people
anymore your shit will drop down to nothing ting is like a good bookie it's 20
bucks just let it ride
go ahead well they know well everybody you need your phone doug stanhope you
can you could live out in
the middle of nowhere but you're gonna have a fucking phone on you and even you
switched over to a
smart phone yes i did you hung into that flip phone i get turned on to uber but
even my uber
doesn't work right so it's not me brian put uber on my phone and he goes no put
it on your phone because
he does it is a cheap fuck that's a good scottish accent but it doesn't wizard
with that accent i have a
perfect brian brian hennigan doesn't even have a proper scottish accent
what's it doing doug he talks like it doesn't tell it does it tells me i'm
somewhere else
yeah i told me i was in fucking north hollywood when i was in west hollywood i
could show you
fix that for you yeah it's probably something wrong with you you probably like
you're hiding
some shit from the government so it doesn't know exactly where you are that's
what it is like you
hide some of those location services because you're worried they're gonna
fucking close in on you
like the living off the grid department yeah living off the grid is as easy as
not knowing how to use
your fucking cell phone it really is let's go bus this guy he's in north hollywood
no i'm not
i just don't know how to use uber yeah go to rogan.ting.com save 25 bucks i
love ting rogan.ting.com
all right we don't need any more commercials it's the cell phone they used in
space
oh that's no they didn't that's tang sorry oh you funny
thing not to be confused with tang tang uh remember when we were kids that was
like a big thing
partnered up go ahead sir it'd be crazy ting tang you could sip the delicious
juice while you
no you use it your cup doubles as a phone your tang cup they sell you pimp
style tang cups with
rhinestones around them remember when we were kids tang was like the big thing
yeah it came from the
space program the big google oh like it made it good yeah tang was fucking
terrible dog shit fake
orange juice yeah maybe they'll sell mres as a great dinner that was one of the
first commercial that
was one of the first product placement things yeah the tang people told i mean
that wasn't good for
people it's ridiculous and they sold that as like the astronaut drink proper
nutrition you know
generations of americans drank that shit it was homemade gatorade yeah the
watered down shitty
gate without the electrolytes yeah tangs i'm gonna be an astronaut is tang
still around
is tang still around i'm sure it is let's find out if tang's still around yeah
it's still around
you know if people today somewhere drinking it people today are so unimpressed
if you know if tang was
like yeah it's astronaut program they're like bitch where's your astronauts now
right it's like
youtube comments like where's your astronauts who's going to the moon yeah the
last famous astronaut was
a stalker racing from florida to houston to stab a lover or something well i've
been doing a bit
wearing a diaper she's wearing a diaper so she didn't have to stop i wish bingo
could learn that trick
she drove the entire time and she shit herself she was an astronaut she was
crazy oh yeah bitch was
crazy tang the drink it seems like it's still around hmm most of that shit if
you look it up you can buy
it if you can't find it in the store you can find it online quisp cereal and
old candy oh they're
talking about marathon bars there's an original tang tang is sold in both
powdered and ready to drink
form oh new tang is where they jumped the shark did they you can get original
tang now yeah you could
actually buy like a sugar-free version of tang containing aspartame wow hmm oh
let's put more
cancer in your diabetes hey listen doug stanhope there's 10 percent of the rda
of vitamin a calcium
vitamin e and riboflavin 10 percent 10 percent so 10 glasse