Name: Joe Rogan Experience #507 - Bert Kreischer
Uploaded: 2014-05-29T06:20:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #507 - Bert Kreischer' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #507 - Bert Kreischer' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-29. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #507 - Bert Kreischer

live already damn that was quick jesus louisus this episode of the joe rogan
experience is
brought to you i said my name fuck this episode of the podcast is brought to
you by ting ting
is a mobile cell phone company i shouldn't say mobile shouldn't say car phone
either don't say
that people know you're over 40 ting is a cell phone company i guess you call a
cell phone company
that does things differently and what they do is they they they use the sprint
backbone and they do
everything their way no contracts no early terminations fees they sell you the
phone
instead of this bullshit when you if you buy a phone from a regular provider
not a regular provider
but one of the big ones what you're doing is you're not really buying the phone
for the most part
what you're doing is you're paying for some of the phone up front like the
phone only costs 200
bucks with a you know with a contract the phone is really like 600 bucks but
they trick you into
getting in debt with them and then when you want to leave they go oh well you
can't leave unless you
you give us this early termination fee you they fuck you they they make you pay
god damn it they take
your money bird chrysher is that what they're doing with the cell phones yes do
you not understand this
i thought i've been so out of the cell phone game for so long how do you get
out my wife my wife does
it all that's nice she'll be like yeah you're available for an upgrade you can
get a new phone
you just pass it all off to her oh dude she's like a great lab partner that's
great i just cheat
off her homework i still she helps me on the tests but i but i'm the cool guy
on the table so all the
other lab partners like think our table must be fun don't you earn the money
though yeah that's what i
that's the part i do and i make us friends with people like my wife will meet
the people but i'm the
closer on the franchise player there you go um 98 of people would save money
with ting the way ting
handles it you don't pay like a certain set amount per month either and i think
in the future this
could be with all cell phone companies are going to be forced to do remember
back in the day when
cell phone companies they used to uh they used to charge you if you were
roaming and you could roam
by just driving your fucking friend's house do you i lived in lutes in tampa if
you went to my house
you were fucking roaming isn't that crazy and you would see the thing on the
top of your phone oh
shit i'm roaming god damn it and it wasn't far and you know it also used to be
that long distance
would cost you a fuckload of money if you would call someone in new york it
would cost you a fuckload
of money all that stuff is gone now it's gone long distance on your phone is
gone on your cell phone
it's all gone the reason why it's gone is because it's a good reason it's
because of competition
and competition is also causing a company like ting to show up and what ting
does is they sell you the
very best android phones available they have the samsung galaxy note 3 they
have the htc1 m8 which
is the newest htc1 that they they just got they got the samsung galaxy s5 the lg
flex all the cool
dope ass android phones they sell them to you at a very reasonable rate you own
it and you can cancel
at any moment 98 of people would save money with ting and if you go to rogan.ting.com
you will save 25
bucks off of any of your first delicious android phones that's rogan.ting.com
we're also brought
to you by on it that's o-n-n-i-t i haven't taken my on it today i might sound
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what on it is is a human optimization website what we do is we sell you
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really oh yes i i well i'll get into like little spirals sometimes so for you
it does that for me
100 if you take new mood and i'm not even fucking around i think it i think i
can mark a difference
when you get obsessive about something and you can't let it go that's weird so
you think that
your obsessive thing is like a mental like a chemical thing oh yeah oh
completely hmm i think i think what
i do is i steal all my dopamine at night from my body and then during the day
my body's going like
jonesing for it like and then and so what it does to get rid of it it just
makes me think about one
thought over and over and over again like like a bad thought do you ever try to
do something about
that other than take new mood uh yeah yeah it's hard to get out of man i'll
tell you a story when we
get done this ad about when i thought i had genital warts oh jesus let's get it
that was the first time i
dealt with this let's get done right now so we can get into that go to rogan go
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find where no one's trying to rip you off and if you don't like it you're some
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weirdo we don't want to do business with you anyway son all right cue the music
bird crushers
here let's make shit happen let's get real let's get freaky with it the first
beer has been great
the joe rogan experience train my day joe rogan podcast my night all day
powerful bird crusher it's just me and bert and jamie even though i told
motherfucking brian to be here
be there on time i call him at 11 o'clock waking him up my second alarm didn't
go off
fucking be there on time gotta do early tomorrow no problem no problem that
fuck
you know it's like having an employee like that
i only know what it's like to have him as a friend and that's fucking
fascinating it's fascinating yeah
imagine relying on him anyway we're here we're queer get used to it it's so
funny that you guys
like are still as close as you are and considering that you guys met via the
online and like him doing
videos because everyone's like that if you have a podcast everyone's like i
want to be a red band
i want to be a red band i'll come to your house man we'll hang out i can't
imagine how like it's
like that you guys are that that worked you know that you and brian worked that
that he wasn't a
lunatic and he just and you guys are well he's definitely a lunatic but he's he's
talented and
he's funny he's he's in his own weird ways you know he's a quirky little guy
yeah he's uh an odd
fella it's an interesting mix it's a dude being in uh like getting the trickle-down
effect of your
friends into my life has been fascinating like amber lion i had her on my
podcast i only had her on my
podcast because like i know you guys had a fascinating conversation then duncan
talked to
her someone was like you guys should podcast she comes over my house she's
fucking amazing
yeah she's very cool really insanely smart yeah it's like and like stanhope i
was telling you
stanhope stanhope and i just met the other night and like hung out we had known
each other through
stand-up he called he calls me he's like i'm coming in hot i'm about a burr's
house and you know
stanhope when he's like that shaky morning i'm gonna i'm gonna be there early
okay
so i told my wife i go i'm gonna go run and get beer for stanhope and you can
hang out with him
she's like i'm not hanging out with doug stanhope she's like no fucking way so
i go you go get beer
i'll wait for stanhope and they just happen to meet on the front porch and here's
the thing that no one
gets about stanhope he is a very real person like he's not like they think he's
this guy on stage
it's like abortion and aids and rape and but he's like a genuinely a real
person so we go back we drink
we do a podcast for like fucking four hours what time was this three in the
afternoon okay i thought
it was the morning no three in the afternoon we start and then my wife and this
is what blew me away
is my wife goes you know just hey we're i'm serving the girls dinner doug would
you like to
stay for dinner now we already everyone knows the answer you're expecting to
hear is no i'm not gonna
hang out with your family but doug is such a real fucking person he's like i'd
like that so he sat down
why do you find that so odd that's because so um maybe it's me because i but so
many people would
be like no no no no like that intimacy like to share a meal with a family that
intimacy that not
everyone has i don't know maybe it's i've known doug for so long you've known doug
for i think the
what people know of doug is different than what you know of doug well i think
it's one of those things
where whenever someone's a comedian it's like this rabble rousing drinking you
know uh abortion
proponent yeah like doug is you just assume that it's an act and then he's just
like this like
kineson guy like all day long but when doug talks about something on stage it's
because these are like
actual opinions that he's formulated yeah this one of the things that's a real
problem with that kind
of edgy comedy one of the reasons why edgy comedy a lot of times sucks the the
distastefulness a lot
of it what it comes from is a lot of these fucking guys that are faking it yeah
what they're doing is
they're trying to be edgy they're trying to find the edgy point of view i mean
how many times you've
gone to like either an open mic night or a showcase night and there's a comic
that goes up that's saying a
bunch of like really mean shit it's not funny but he thinks it's gonna be funny
if he just edgy you
know if he just says something inflammatory or rude or mean or you know yeah i
was i was that comic i
think to an extent like i didn't know what my voice was yeah i think a lot of
us were i i definitely was
you you become that because you're just trying to i always describe the two
stages of comedy the first
stage is just trying to figure out what works like you're terrified you don't
want to bomb you're just
trying to just it's almost like you have tools like well how do i cut this wood
can i use a saw
yes the saw works uh can i use a hammer no you can't cut with a hammer okay don't
try the hammer
and then there's a while we're like stay the fuck away from hammers yeah hammers
really hammers
shit and then people will give you advice dude i brought up a hammer in fort lauderdale
the audience
killed me yeah okay no more hammer or someone like otel will go dude i like the
way you use that hammer
and you're like even though i'm bummed i'm sticking with the fucking hammer
hammer back with the hammer
we're gonna rework the hammer attel likes the hammer it's so true if your
friend that becomes a real
problem with comics by the way shout out to the young comedians out there and
listening do not try
to make the back of the room laugh oh that becomes a real issue and it's ruined
guys careers where comics
will say obscure shit just to make their comedian friends go ha ha ha you are
only making someone laugh
who knows you're doing like anti-comedy yeah there's guys that have like that
were talented funny guys
that thought that like telling an actual funny joke was beneath them and what
they wanted to do was
only make the comics laugh because those are their peers and they fucked
themselves man yeah they
there's a lot o