Name: "Origins of a Party Animal" with Bert Kreischer (from Joe Rogan Experience #507)
Uploaded: 2014-06-13T18:19:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '"Origins of a Party Animal" with Bert Kreischer (from Joe Rogan Experience #507)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '"Origins of a Party Animal" with Bert Kreischer (from Joe Rogan Experience #507)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-13. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan experience.
Fucking 16 hours to read my own audio book.
I was like, fucking I cannot read out loud to save my life.
16 hours?
How many hours is the actual audio book?
Three.
Whoa.
That's crazy.
I am the worst out loud reader.
And for like the first two chapters.
Did they get mad if you fuck it up?
Yeah.
The guy asked me like on the first chapter, he's like, hey man, do you need
glasses?
I was like, no, I'm just not that good of it.
And I was like, I'll do it drunk.
Everyone wants to hear me do it drunk.
You can't fucking read drunk.
So then I described that day.
That day is all useless.
We had to go back and redo it.
And then I was also like, I'd read a passage and then I'd go on and be like,
and then I'd
expound on what I just read and kind of was like, I was like a podcast.
And that was fucking horrible because that took like forever.
And so then finally the guy's like, just fucking read it.
So I just read it towards the end.
But it gets better.
I would think it would be better if you just read it.
And if you fucked up, just comment on the fact that you fucked that word up and
just
keep going on.
Like that way people would, they would get, they'd get the book, the whole book,
but
they'd also get the experience of you reading the book, like you separating
yourself from
the book while you read it.
Oh yeah.
I mean, oh, they, I, I don't know what it's going to sound like, but cause I, I
did acknowledge
it.
I did when I did fuck up cause I'm a comic.
So I would work the piece as I was like, if I was on stage.
Okay.
So did they keep that in or do they edit that stuff?
They kept, I think they kept some of it in, but they couldn't have kept all of
it in.
That's so weird though.
That they decide what gets left in and what comes out.
This whole, dude, this whole book writing process has been vulnerable as fuck
because you, you
really let go of it because it's an entirely different industry.
Yeah, I didn't, I passed.
I had a book deal.
I was writing the book and they were still giving me these wacky fucking notes,
just advice
on like how I should talk about things, what I should describe and how I, I was
like, we're
not, this is not happening.
You know, you're not involved in the creative process.
Yeah.
And I gave them their money back.
I was like, this is crazy.
Like they wanted me to essentially write my act down on, on paper and sell it
as a book.
And they're like, well, George Carlin did it and Jerry Seinfeld did it.
I was like, that's nice.
I don't give a, I'm not doing that.
Like that's, I, I write different than I do standup.
It's two different things.
Like you can write when you're writing, like just writing, there's a way that
you can express
yourself that's unavailable if you're talking.
Right.
You know?
It's, it's why you, the Dragon Dictate didn't work for me because you'd talk it
into this
Dragon Dictate and it would put it right into the computer.
Yeah.
Like print it.
But it didn't work for me because it sounded spoken.
Like it sounded like, and, and, and a couple like, and, and one of the hard
things for
me was I, I did that same thing where they wanted all the stories I had told on
stage
or on podcasts.
I was like, I can't, I can't do that.
I can't just fill it up with that.
Yeah.
They want the stuff that they think they're going to sell.
It's not a, an artistic thing.
It's like, guess what, dummy?
The same person that told those funny stories, I can tell you other funny
stories.
Like we're not running out of funny stories here.
It's really fascinating.
And like there's stories I had to put in the book.
I had to put the machine in.
I can't not write that in there.
And there's a lot of, there's like the Will Smith story.
I had to put it in.
But then I wanted to do the cerebral palsy one.
I wanted to do one where I met Ralph Sampson.
And when I was a kid, I was, I got.
Who's Ralph Sampson?
He was a basketball player.
And I was, I went to school at, I went to, I was like in eighth grade.
I decided I really want to be a basketball player.
And so I went to Villanova basketball camp and Ralph Sampson came to speak.
And like the first night I got a concussion and the two best basketball players
got pulled
out for drinking.
So the next day I had to sit out with the two best basketball players and
everyone thought
we drank together.
So now all of a sudden I'm 15, 14, and everyone thinks I'm cool because I'm
partying with the
18 year olds.
So Ralph Sampson comes.
I thought this defined me.
Ralph Sampson comes up to give a speech.
He's like, I'm here to talk to you about two things.
There's 5,000 kids on the gym floor.
He's like, we're going to talk about basketball and we're talking about
discipline.
First, let's talk about discipline.
Who in here parties?
And I was under the impression we were all going to put our hands up, but I was
the only
fucking person.
I just went, and he was like, oh, one person, 5,000 kids.
No one raised their fucking hand.
He's like, how do you party?
I was fucking 13.
I didn't know how to, I didn't, I never partied in my life.
So all I said was hardy and he fucking lost it.
And 5,000 kids are slapping the gym floor.
Like, oh shit, we're going to make an example out of you.
Party animal.
He's lost the room.
So he brings me up front to the, in front of all the kids and he makes me stand
up and
he puts a basketball behind my legs like this and then one on my arms like this.
And he's like, we party hardy.
Well, we're going to party hardy today.
So I'm standing like this for his whole fucking hour speech with a basketball
here and there.
And he's like, and he keeps coming back to me.
And by the way, I'm so in my head that I'm, I have social anxiety disorder, but
I'm in front
of everyone.
And I'm like being made fun.
I'm being mocked that I wasn't listening to his questions.
Somebody's like, you think you'll ever party again?
I just said, yeah.
And the fucking place went bananas.
They're like, oh.
And he's like, how do you party hardy?
I was like, and I didn't know the answer.
I just was like with two hands.
Fucking people are losing.
You think you do marijuana?
And now I'm killing it.
I'm like, I'll get to it in college.
And these kids, I left that gym and everyone wanted to talk to me.
Everyone's like, party animal.
What are you doing?
And that you're still holding the basketball between your legs?
The whole fucking time.
So while you're cracking jokes.
While I'm cracking jokes.
How long did you hold the basketball?
An hour.
That's a long time.
My cousin Abe, I almost brought him here today.
I should have.
I didn't even think about it.
My cousin Abe was there at the camp because he's from Philly.
I didn't know anyone.
My cousin Abe's like, I didn't know you partied.
I go, I don't.
I just thought we'd all put our fucking hands up.
And he's like, yeah, why would you put your hands up if you don't party?
I was like, I wanted to be cool.
So yeah, so now everyone would come up and they'd be like, party animal, you
partying
hardy tonight?
I'd be like, yeah.
But then I became cool at that camp and then I have friends.
And so I wrote that story.
It was a little longer and I gave it to them.
I go, this is the best story.
This defines me.
And they're like, not really.
That's hilarious.
So it's all partying stories, but it's like.
That's a hilarious story.
Oh, thanks.
That's so nutty that this could have possibly sent you on a path when you were
that young.
Yeah.
You know?
13 years old.
I just, and it's all just wanting to be accepted.
I don't know.
Did you ever have one of those moments where you'd go somewhere and you didn't
know anybody?
Sure.
But you felt like everyone fucking grew up together?
Yeah.
That's a weird feeling.
I felt like that a lot as a kid.
Yeah.
But I thought that that defined me because then I became the party animal.
I kind of lived up to whatever.
By the way, I went to high school the very next year.
Didn't know anyone.
So I'm sure that kind of, I was like, well, it worked in Villanova.
So.
Yeah.
There's definitely a different personality that develops when kids have to move
too.
Right?
If they move from one spot to another spot, they move more than once.
Yeah.
They develop this like, it's this weird newcomer personality, you know?
In every romantic kids movie, the rebel that moved into town, the new kid.
That you don't know of and you think he smokes cigarettes.
Some fucking Twilight style movie or even like Karate Kid.
Didn't he like move into some new town?
Dude.
Karate Kid.
Fucking the day Karate Kid came out, it was my first day of tennis camp.
And so, so I go, I gotta fucking, can't believe I didn't write about this.
This fuck, I didn't know anyone.
I didn't know anyone.
So then the, these, all the last, very end of camp, I started meeting the cool
kids and
they're like, hey man, what are you doing today?
I was like, nothing.
And they're like, you want to go see Karate Kid?
And I didn't know anything about it.
And I was like, oh yeah, yeah, that'd be cool.
So like, cool, meet us at Mission Bell.
That's where this place was.
My mom's late picking me up.
We're late doing everything.
She drops me off to the movie late and I go in and the movie's already started.
I can't find any of the kids, but I already bought the ticket.
And I already have popcorn in his drink and I'm like, fuck.
So I just go down and I sit down.
Now I've never seen a movie by myself at that time.
And I just sit down and I keep looking for him, but I can't fucking find him.
But then the movie starts and it's a great fucking movie.
And it's a movie about a loner kid like myself that doesn't know anyone.
And he's trying to break into the new group, just like I was doing a tennis
camp.
And I really get involved in it.
I get so involved in the movie that when he does the fucking crane kick and
kicks the
guy, I start bawling fucking crying, thinking I'm Daniel's son.
In my head, I'm like, I feel like Daniel's son.
The house lights come up and the fucking kids that had wanted me to meet were
sitting directly
like two rows in front of me.
And they heard you weeping?
They heard me crying and I'm sobbing, sobbing, like a fucking 10 year old cry.
Like if you were 10.
How'd that work out?
They turned around and they saw me crying and they were about to make fun of me
and they're
like, oh, you got us.
You got, we thought you were crying.
You fucking with us.
You were sitting behind us the whole time.
And I was like, yeah, yeah, that's it.
That's it.
And I fucking walked out.
That movie, I still to this day.
So you, you had a fake that you weren't crying.
I had a fake that I wasn't crying and then we all hung out and they're like,
you can
just do that.
Make yourself cry.
I was like.