Name: Joe Rogan Experience #515 - Ari Shaffir
Uploaded: 2014-06-27T07:15:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #515 - Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #515 - Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-27. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #515 - Ari Shaffir

one oh boy hey everybody what the fuck's going on hey i've been away a while
but i missed you guys
how long you been away four days or something we took a week off i was uh i was
out of town
um this episode of the podcast is brought to you by squarespace uh there's
probably about
five or six websites out there dedicated to various parts of ari's body that
have been made
during the construction of this very podcast it's not easy to make websites squarespace
allows you
to make your own website um with just simple web tools drag and drop interface
very easy to do
it's nothing complex it's nothing that uh the average uh dimwit that knows a
little bit about
computers like myself can do it's just they've figured it out they figured out
how to streamline
it yeah it's pretty easy just drag and drop everything's drag and drop it says
what it puts
stuff yeah and you can make websites that look really good it used to be
portfolio it lets you
yeah want to make a different looking portfolio how about this online store set
up an online store
super easy beautiful designs for you to start with use your own images your
wife can sell her handbags
or she can sell pictures of your dick imagine that you guys made a living
selling pictures of your dick
wow your wife just takes pictures of your dick and sells them like just a
little bit of mouth
his dick's not bad but i'm an excellent photographer if it was real easy to buy
shit online if everything
was like amazon one click you know and i landed here like five cents to see
your dick i you know get
some for people yeah people would people would say i want to see ari's dick
there's a few people that
would right yeah like think about how much like let's get weird ellen degenerate
if ellen
degenerate took pictures of her butthole and you you needed it cost you five
cents to see it how many
fucking people would pay it was really easy i would definitely pay that for her
vagina i think it's
going to come to that if i didn't have to open my e-wallet yeah if you if it
was super easy to do
give her like it was just a back from a dollar it was just a word interface
like do you want to pay
five cents to see ellen's yeah i'll see i'll do it how much and the computer
knows and i'll have a bag
two for ten yeah and you you're allowed to not even take like a breathalyzer
test for anything
under a certain amount of money after a certain amount of money it should be
like the responsibility
of the manufacturer of the cell phone to make some sort of a breathalyzer thing
because otherwise it's
too fucking easy to just buy shit if you're really hammered and you buy
something yeah you would buy
everything yeah it's rude you can't have that people have been calling that for
a long time
breathalyzer for your for your phone it's a good move for your computer it's a
good move for text
messages anything that you send after two o'clock in the morning is most likely
a mistake
most likely yeah when i get too high late at night i buy so much things of
course everything's so
beautiful beautiful beautiful and awesome and you can make a website about
those things start your own
business you fuck resell your shitty purchases go to squarespace.com you can
make a logo creator you
can create a sleek and simple logo i just made one for ari and look while we
were doing that big juicy
hog ari shafira big juicy hog and it's a picture of a chicken it makes zero
sense and it's perfect
yeah and for a free trial and 10 off your first purchase go to squarespace.com
and enter in the
code word joe yeah they're all different look um oh that's it ari what is it
the t-shirt's a big
juicy hog big juicy hog it's a h-a-w-g yeah nice of course that's the way to
say it sounds more
delicious that rooster on top of it it sounds more slurpy these dudes online
that have been getting
mad at all these uh gay innuendos and jokes you know this fucking homophobic
shit and all this
fucking listen i like dick jokes i think they're funny yeah if you get you get
weirded out that's
your own shit son all right don't panic dick jokes are funny go to squarespace.com
make your own
dick joke website one cool thing about it one cool thing about it code word joe
is that um
you can actually build the site and then not pay for it yet and then decide
like all right i want to
get this thing yeah that is a good word that is a good uh idea rather they they're
so confident in
the ability to make a website so easily that they let you try it out register
and try it out without
entering your credit card information so at the end of that if you're like your
website's whack son
you can just bail you can just bail and uh you'll have learned about that
service anyway go to
squarespace.com use the code word joe and save 10 off and more importantly to
me i met the squarespace
people and they're very nice they're cool what you mean in new york met him in
new york yeah very
nice guys i went over to the offices super friendly everybody they came to the
show they're really
friendly and nice and fun they're working at internet company man yeah those
are the cool people
those are the cool people that's why i have faith in the future people always
go well you're so
you're always looking at the bright side of things man we're going down the
toilet i have faith in the
future because i think that technology and the technology creators are the ones
that are dictating
what's taking place everyone is scrambling to deal with the technology and
technology innovators yeah
before well instead of actual products solid items instead of solid items and
things that you weigh and put
on a scale instead you're dealing with things like a google i mean it's there's
a solid item somewhere
you know there's hard drives that keep all the information on and obviously
there's offices
but the reality is that google is not a real product like that you can pick up
and have in your hand you
can have a google phone but what the fuck is google well the number one thing
in that company is a
nothing it's an air it's an idea so this idea has picked up all these hard
drives and set up all
these web browsers and set up all these different google chrome and google
operating system based on
nothing but what is it really it's just ideas an idea is what google is and
they're a really ethical and
responsible company which is fascinating because one of the most powerful one
of the most is also very
progressive they're super progressive i have a friend who works at google
really there's a guy who works
in the office who's a guy outside the office but in the office he likes to be
referred to as a woman and he
dresses up as a woman so he goes to the office he dresses up as like like a man
just like a woman
he's a man until he gets to the office then he goes to the office just at work
yep yep like clinger
he did nope he's not trying to get a a thing from the government just what he
does and google's like
okay as long as you're nice like as long as you do your work yeah what do we
care what do we care
that's perfect see that didn't exist wow in older older why does he wear a
regular boy suit to work
that's a very good question but a better question is why does anybody why can
you identify someone's
sex by the clothing they wear that seems like the most ridiculous thing ever
push people into certain
ways of being yeah i used to when i was religious and worked at some law firm
for the summer and then
the next year i like lost my religion in that summer and then i worked there
again like a goddamn rem song
yeah and i didn't want to explain to them so i would just take my yamaka off as
soon as i left work i
would put it on to work and then take it off as soon as i left yeah man um i
have faith i have faith
because of that because these smart motherfuckers are the ones that are the
ones that are the most
innovative the ones that are the most on the cutting edge about what's changing
the world like google
searches are changing the goddamn world right banned in china can't get on
google look it's google's a
crazy thing yeah the ability to just get all the questions i mean not always
right a lot of contrary
information but just the sheer bulk of the information and then sources oh this
is a stanford university
study and you go okay you know all right you know what i mean oh yeah you start
reading things like
oh this uh this guy's a professor of uh astronomy from cambridge you're ability
to get knowledge
yeah you go okay well this guy's super legit he's a professor of astronomy at
cambridge
you know it's like that didn't we didn't have yeah all you had was a microfiche
for newspapers and all
these dudes that are in involved in these companies in my opinion it seems to
be they're moving there i
mean there's still corporations there's still going to be there's always going
to be weirdness when
money is involved but it seems like the ethic of the internet the ethic of
these electronic
corporations is one of social responsibility one that that didn't really exist
before i wonder i'm
trying to think if there's any bad one like bad of those companies not that i
can think of like
tesla they're supposed to be really cool elon musk has got a reputation of
being this really
fascinating innovative guy starbucks is cool starbucks is cool as fuck i love
having good coffee on the
they pay for people's um health insurance they offer to put you through phoenix
online college
really check out their new sodas like yeah 24 25 like we'll pay for it
that's beautiful that's beautiful i think that shit is possible man i think
people can build an
ethical company you know i can't really do i just think for so long people are
so goddamn ruthless
so people say oh you know yours fucking so up ben and jerry they've been doing
it for years yeah
ben and jerry been doing it like way back before it was interesting yeah yeah
like we're just gonna
do it because it's the right thing well they're from vermont dude yeah vermont
is have you ever been
up there burlington vermont uh yeah once my parents tried to send me to a
special camp there
it's a fucking beautiful beautiful town god vermont is awesome so it's a higher
ground i want to go to
that higher ground place what's higher ground some like small like rock theater
oh that like part is
cool maybe i work that because i definitely work something in burlington a long
time ago yeah i guess
we're doing a podcast let's just fucking go with it um i did uh something in
burlington we i mean
clearly we're done with commercials um nature's box yet yeah nature box go fuck
yourself oh
give me some yummy treats do you really want to stop because i was gonna say i
actually made a
squarespace uh store i'm working on one right now and it was so fucking easy
how you just put a
picture in of what you want to sell put how many there is like quantity there
is uh you sign up for
this thing that's like paypal and then if somebody buys it from you it uh in
two days it automatically
goes to your bank account the money and it sends you like a little shipping
thing where to ship it to
i mean it is that's incredible i was so blown away how easy a store was because
i knew blog kind of
websites and stuff i knew it couldn't be that hard because i i use wordpress
right this store thing i was
so amazed at how easy it was how much control you had and squarespace it was i'm
you can make a store
in less than five minutes it is really that crazy that's so weird yeah weird so
it's like paypal
store do you use paypal it uses it uses a another company that's just like paypal
and paypal you
could just use a credit card too you don't have to have a pay right right so if
someone has paypal
that's crazy it's just pretty much a credit card processor that charges i think
uh like 35 cents
per transaction so and that's actually cheaper than what paypal does because i
believe paypal
actually uses a percent yeah of how much money so if you have a hundred dollars
paypal takes like 11
you know it's like 11 where this uh actual co