Name: "Fear" with Joey Diaz (from Joe Rogan Experience #180)
Uploaded: 2014-07-10T20:24:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '"Fear" with Joey Diaz (from Joe Rogan Experience #180)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-07-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '"Fear" with Joey Diaz (from Joe Rogan Experience #180)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-07-10. Transcript available.

- The Joe Rogan Experience.
- Eddie Bravo, what's happening, cocksucker?
- What's up?
- You're a month away from having a kid,
you're sitting there like fucking Buddha
with no fucking food.
Talk to me, cocksucker.
I love it.
- You ready for this, man?
- Are you ready?
You gotta be fucking ready.
Don't tell me this shit, hell yeah.
You gotta be ready.
- Have you picked a name yet?
- Don't tell me that you looked at a TV show on Discovery.
I want you to tell me you went to your uncle's house
and changed some diapers and you're fucking legit.
- I've been wanting to have a kid for a while.
And we tried to, you know, this was planned.
This was not an accident.
I wanted a kid, you know?
- I'm proud of you, I'm happy.
- It's gonna be a fascinating experience, man.
- I see what it did for you.
I see what it did for you, you're a different fucking man.
- For sure, changed me as a human being.
- First it was the reefer.
When you came to me, you said you had the best ice cream
sundae in your life the other night with Eddie Bravo.
The way you gave it to me, that was beautiful.
And then next thing you know, Mrs. Rogan came on the scene.
I seen the whole evolution.
- Dude, I will never forget the day Eddie Bravo got me high.
We went and had ice cream sundae
and I had the most massive revelation of my life.
I couldn't believe how goddamn good that ice cream sundae tasted.
- Between me and you, that was the first time
you ever straightened up.
Before then, you were a fucking ape.
You were still bent over.
If I threw you a banana, you'd eat the fucking peel.
Seriously, that day after you ate that banana,
Dairy Queen, you were back.
You were back, your chest was up and shit.
- Well, you guys know me.
I don't know me as well as you guys know me.
- Oh, please, that was it.
You were walking on all floors until that fucking day.
I know I'm a different person.
I'm a lot more relaxed and everything,
but it must've been interesting, much more for you to watch someone change
their personality.
- It's a fucking beautiful thing.
It's a fucking beautiful thing, man.
I love to see evolution.
I'm a people watcher.
I love to watch people shut your fucking mouth.
Don't say, shh!
Don't say nothing to him.
Let him walk into that hole.
Don't say nothing.
- I think coming from my background, doing martial arts competitions my whole
life,
and then just transitioning right into comedy, I had never relaxed.
I never settled down.
I never learned how to just be calm.
My whole body and my brain, my personality all developed under duress.
It all developed under physical combat all the time on a regular basis.
It was constant training, constant fights, constant tournaments.
That was my life from the time I was 15 until I was 22.
All my formative years was all spent in stress.
And I remember when I first decided that I wasn't going to fight anymore,
it was the first time ever in my life when I was 22, my last kickboxing fights,
the first time ever where I could relax.
I would always be nervous, like when is the next tournament?
When's the next fight?
When's the next thing?
I got to get in shape.
I can't be drinking this.
I can't be doing this.
I couldn't live my life because I was always worried about getting my ass
kicked.
I was always worried about like I have to make sure that I do everything right.
I got to be prepared.
I don't want to get fucked up.
You know, so it's like it's it wasn't the best mindset to go into stand up
comedy for.
That's for sure.
It's like a constant battle to stand up comedy.
You got it.
It's totally the opposite.
You got to not give a fuck.
You know, you got to you got to be relaxed.
You got to have fun instead of be tense and ready to go at any moment's notice.
You know, you sent me, by the way, whatever you sent me doesn't work.
One of them doesn't work.
The other two do.
Check your emails.
Yeah, I just you sent me two things and both of them are like movies that are
one second
long.
What?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's amazing.
Check it again, dude.
I know it.
I know it's good.
I'll resend it.
Okay, my fucking 15 to 22.
My mind wasn't fighting them.
I was in a fighter, but I was in a different type of hell.
I was in my own hell.
I was putting myself into, you know, and it's so weird that I became a comic.
Like what, six, seven, eight years later or something like that.
And how I took that wildness into the fucking comic and nobody understood what
I was saying
until I met you guys at the store.
I found the fucking home.
I was always, I used to travel on the road with Tribble and do all these little
road things.
I remember when I first met you at the store, everybody was fucking terrified
of you.
Yeah, I was crazy.
You and I, I remember being like the only guy like when I first met you that
was like,
he's great.
What are you talking about?
I love that guy.
And I was like, oh, here comes Joey Diaz.
Like, where is he at?
I like would gravitate towards you.
Oh, that was great.
Because you didn't scare me.
You were nice to me.
You know, you weren't a scary guy to me.
You were a regular dude.
You were like one of the only guys there that I could relate to.
There was like a lot of guys that I couldn't relate to.
I knew dudes like you, you know?
I mean, not you, but you and my friend Johnny B, the pool hustler.
Very similar characters, man.
Very, very similar characters.
You're both way out there.
You're both like not give a fuck guys.
And you're both guys that were like polarizing.
Some people would love you to death.
And then everybody, you know, there was a large group of people that for
whatever reason,
they'd be upset at you.
Like, I remember having to defend you.
Even the Dom Herrera.
Even Dom Herrera was hating on you for a while.
Oh, everybody.
And I loved it.
I fucking loved it.
Because that's why, you know, it's so weird that this whole surgery thing
really taught me
about fear.
My fear has fucking done wonders for me.
Because that's why when I wake up in the morning, that's the first thing I
fucking do is grab
my fucking cock.
Because for years I was scared.
I'm always insecure.
That immigrant fucking thing shizzled into my fucking mind since the streets of
New York City with the white kid.
The immigrant thing?
The immigrant thing.
Not knowing the language.
Not feeling good enough like everybody else.
Not being a fucking American.
And it sits inside my fucking soul.
So for me, everything has been riveted on fear.
Every time I get on stage, like the other night, fear was real in Chicago.
I got on stage in between the reefer and whatever was going on and the lights.
I got fearful, man.
But you know what?
That's normal to be scared.
That's a great emotion, especially when you're a stand-up comic.
Because the more scared you are, the better you're going to fucking do.
Especially in my case.
The more riled up I am two minutes before I go on stage,
the more energy I'm going to give that fucking audience.
But I've looked at my life and I've seen how much fear.
I was petrified to go get that fucking needle.
Even though I fucking knew nothing was going to happen, I was going to walk out
of there.
But I went in, I took the needle, and after I walked out of that needle,
I could have fucking killed ten fucking people with my bare hands.
Because you overcome one of your biggest fucking fears.
Till this day, I get little emails and people are like,
"You know, I suffer from a social disorder and I don't know what to do."
Well, the answer ain't taking a fucking pill.
It's checking your fucking confidence and grabbing your balls
and walking into a circle and saying, "Fuck it, I'm here."
You know, my mentality was always go into the mouth of the lion and put a chair
down
and sit the fuck down and let the pieces fall where they may.
And if you're not going to live like that, fuck them all.
I'm at the store two fucking nights, Joe Rogan.
The first fucking night, Eddie Griffin bumps me.
You know how embarrassing that is?
You become a regular on a Sunday.
The first fucking night, you bring 11 people to come see you.
Your landlord comes and you get bumped by Eddie Griffin.
And the second night I go up there and Steve Greenstein says to me, "Hey,
last weekend you fucking auditioned here for Mitzi and you said one of my jokes."
I said, "It's February fucking 11th.
I just come off a plane, January 29th.
And you're already accusing me of being a fucking thief."
And remember, he had his violin case.
Steve Greenstein was a creepy guy, older guy that hung out at the Comedy Store
and he had a violin case.
So this is a Tuesday night.
It's Black Night at the Comedy Store.
It's 8 o'clock.
The main room is packed but the original room would be empty
because people were scared to go up there on Black Night because they thought
they were going to get
fucking mugged.
So the original room was always empty.
So Steve Greenstein was up before me.
This is my second night at the Comedy Store, dog.
I just got to L.A.
I'm a fucking criminal.
I've been in prison.
I got all these problems.
But for the first time in my life, I got a little fucking daylight at the
Comedy Store.
This lady made me a regular.
All my life, people were like, "Has Mitzi sure seen you?
Has Mitzi sure seen you?
She's going to make you a fucking regular."
I get down there, I'm a regular.
This is the first time since my mother died I had any luck.
I had been in prison.
I had been divorced.
Shot, the whole fucking deal.
And the next thing you know, I become a regular.
It's Tuesday night and I get off stage and I'm waiting to hang out for a little
while.
And Steve Greenstein comes up to me and he says to me, "Dawg, one of your jokes
is like my joke."
I said, "Which one?"
He says, "Something about O.J. Simpson is made."
I go, "Dawg, I didn't steal the joke from you.
I just fucking got here two weeks ago."
Wheels comes out and he goes, "This guy didn't steal the joke from you."
The only problem was the guy put the violin case behind his fucking legs and I
spotted it.
So he starts threatening me.
He's like, "Dawg, the next time you do that joke,
we're going to have a problem."
I just pushed him, Joe Rogan.
He fell over the violin case.
Well, as he's falling down, Mitzi's limo pulls up.
That's it.
I'm like, "I'm done.
This is my life.
I'm fucking gone out of here.
I'm never going to get another fucking spot again.
I'm going to go back to sell and fucking blow."
And Wheels got between us.
Scott Day got between us.
And Mitzi came on and go, "Oh, what happened here?"
And he started saying, he goes, "No, this kid's Cuban."
But Mitzi seen the kid on the floor and fell in love with me after that,
because I pushed that motherfucker.
Because I stuck up for myself.
Sure.
Yeah, you got lucky.
She was crazy.
Sure.
She liked all kinds of conflict.
If that happened at the fucking improv, I would have been out on the fucking
street.
How often did you perform at the improv?
Not for a while.
In those days?
In those days, every week, because the guy, Richard Cooper, loved me, the
talent coordinator.
Bro, I got to LA January 29th.
I was a regular at the store February 19th on my birthday.
I didn't fuck around this town when I got here.
But you couldn't do the improv when Mitzi found out.
But I went to Scott Day and said, "Dog, Richard Cooper gives me spots."
So I would go over there and I had a couple problems over there right off the
fucking bat.
People thought they were cute over there.
You know, you leave your fucking girlfriend in a seat, you go to the bathroom,
you come back,
they're talking to them like they know.
That is an issue.
You know, it's a fucking issue.
You got to stop them like I told you, like Hitler in Munich.
If not, you're going to have a fucking problem, dog.
So I would say things to people and all of a sudden, you're a bad fucking
person.
So what the fuck?
I don't give a fuck.
And we're here 12 years later and we're still rocking and rolling.
They can still suck my dick and call me shorty.
you