Name: "I Hope This Doesn't Become A Thing" with Jim Jefferies (from Joe Rogan Experience #473)
Uploaded: 2014-09-14T04:26:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '"I Hope This Doesn't Become A Thing" with Jim Jefferies (from Joe Rogan Experience #473)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-09-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '"I Hope This Doesn't Become A Thing" with Jim Jefferies (from Joe Rogan Experience #473)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-09-14. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan experience.
My son now is at the stage where Love's holding his cock.
Just holding it.
Of course.
Found out about it.
And he sort of pinches it at the end.
Because it's only...
He's got...
I don't know...
I haven't got a lot of baby cocks to reference it against.
I think my son has a small cock.
But it's...
I think it grows all right.
I think he has a nice erection.
But I don't...
I think he has a very...
He has erections at 16 months?
They have erections from day one.
Wow.
Like sometimes you wake him up in the morning.
He'll take his nappy off because he's got a shit in there.
And it'll be a shit-covered erection.
Uh-oh.
That's a weird connection.
And a good name for a band.
It's probably already taken.
It's probably a website.
But it's...
It is...
Yeah, he gets like a little tiny Woody.
And I always think...
What is going on in his head where he is wanted or needed an erection?
What was the dream that he had last night?
I know the dreams that I'm having when I wake up with an erection.
What are the ones that are...
Like is that, you know, that cat saying suggestive things off the iPad?
What is...
It's probably just blood in his dick.
It's probably just blood in his dick or it's longing for something that he...
You know, I don't know.
You ever get boners when you're driving for no apparent reason?
You're not even horny?
I have.
Yes, I have.
Those are weird.
Those are like blood pools up in your dick boners.
Sometimes you go to have sex and you've got to fucking work it a bit to get it
going.
And then like other times...
You ever done that one where you masturbate in the car while you're driving?
Oh, yeah.
Because you've been stuck in traffic.
And then...
I was all right with it in Britain.
But too many people in this town drive SUVs.
Mm-hmm.
I drive a Challenger.
I'm lower down.
I get seen by a lot of people.
You've got to get the tinted windows.
You've got to get tinted windows.
Yeah.
It's important.
Or I could just stop wanking in my car.
Or just get one of those things that women use when they breastfeed in public
and just
jerk off under that.
Yeah.
Get a quilt.
Yeah.
I found out the best thing to do is to plug my phone into the iPod connection
and then
play porn on it because then I'll get with subwoofer and everything surround
sound
porn in my car.
That's a good move.
So do you hold it with one hand and steer with the last three fingers?
I normally have to be in traffic.
So I'm not doing that much steering.
How often have you beaten off in your car?
Since I've lived in LA the last five years.
Yeah.
I know of three times this has happened.
It's not like...
I'm not going to do it right now.
It's like a hobby.
This is like I've just been somewhere.
Some girl's got me going.
I'm in a bit of a frenzy.
Or I've just had a fight with my girlfriend.
I'm in a bit of a bad mood.
I need to cheer myself up.
I only beat off once in my car ever.
And it was when I was driving limos.
I was driving home from a gig.
I had to drop some lady off in New Hampshire, drive way the fuck up to New
Hampshire.
It was a long ride back, like an hour and a half back.
I got bored.
So I beat off.
And I remember the fucking massive feeling of disappointment in myself that I
jerked off
because I'm jerking off underneath my shirt.
As soon as I came, I was like, God damn it.
This is going to be a thing I do all the time now.
And I never did it again.
I was shocked.
Good for you.
Good for the restraint.
But it never came up.
I never wanted to do it again.
But I'm shocked because I figured I'm such a fucking idiot.
Once I do something embarrassing like that, I'm like, well, this is something I
do now.
This is not going to be...
I'm not going to like...
I remember once having sex with a girl and she was just yelling out, fuck me,
daddy.
Fuck me.
Right?
And I kind of went, hey, what are you calling me like this for?
And then I slightly enjoyed her saying it.
And I went, don't...
I don't need that to be a thing.
Yeah.
Don't make that a thing for me because then I'm fucked up.
But I got to ask other people to do it.
And then we're in a real fucking predicament.
When I was in Boston, I used to bang this really crazy Portuguese chick.
She used to call her pussy a cunt.
It was the first girl I'd ever heard say that.
She's like, fuck that cunt.
Fuck that.
She was like angry about it.
I was like, I hope I don't start liking this.
Yeah.
Because that's going to be hard to get someone else to agree to.
A lot of gals.
Yeah.
It's hard when you've got a thing.
And you've got to ask your girl to do that thing.
I, for a while there, I loved choking girls while I was fucking them for a
while.
I'm not as choky as I used to be.
But I used to be, I used to be, I used to be very fucking hand around the neck,
pin you
down while I was fucking you, right?
And some girls, and because I was dating a girl who got off and doing that,
right?
And that was, that's what got me into it was, this is how I made this.
Then you meet the girls who don't want you to do that.
But then I met one girl who I was choking her.
And then, you know, I'm not choking the whole time, right?
And then I've stopped and she's sort of thought, oh, this is what we're doing.
And she starts choking me and I'm like, don't do that.
That feels horrible.
I don't know how bad it feels for you women, but it really hurts my male neck.
The choking thing is, it's weird.
It's just like one of those other things where some people love it and some
people hate it.
And you never fucking know until it comes up.
You know, you could date a girl and have no idea she likes to be choked.
Like the first girl that I ever dated that liked to be choked was so girly.
She was like so like, you would never, she wasn't loud.
She always wore dresses.
She wasn't like boisterous or, you know, provocative or slutty.
She's a regular girl and she fucking loved it.
She asked me to choke her.
And I was like, what do you mean choke you?
Like, how do you mean choke you?
She goes, just grab my neck while you're fucking me.
I'm like, okay, hard.
You want me to hurt you?
Like, what's going on here?
Like, and then if you thought about doing it to another girl, they would freak
out.
Like, it's weird what like one person, what's their big turn on and another
person.
It's sometimes bad when you, when you bring the choke into a girl who doesn't
want it.
It's always bad.
You're like, ah.
I was with a girl that had an iron deficiency and every time she would want me
to choke her,
the next day she would just have like these horrible bruises around her neck.
And she just would have to like wear like turtlenecks and stuff.
But it looked like if I ever got in trouble, oh, I'm fucked.
Some girls do bruise up.