Name: Joe Rogan Experience #620 - Bert Kreischer
Uploaded: 2015-03-05T03:12:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #620 - Bert Kreischer' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-03-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #620 - Bert Kreischer' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-03-05. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #620 - Bert Kreischer

THE JOEL ROGAN EXPERIENCE.
TRAIN BY DAY, JOE ROGAN
PODCAST BY NIGHT, ALL DAY.
HIS NAME IS BURD CRYSCHER,
HE'S A MOTHERFUCKING WORLD
TRAVELER, UNLIKE ANY OTHER,
AND EVEN IF HE STOPS DOING
THIS TRAVEL CHANNEL GIG, HE
WILL BE MORE TRAVEL THAN ANY
OF YOU FUCKS.
ESSENTIALLY YOU'VE TRAVELED WAY
MORE THAN THE AVERAGE PERSON
EVER WILL IN THEIR LIFE JUST IN
THE LAST FEW YEARS.
YOU JUST TALK ABOUT THE STUFF
I'VE DONE ON A DAILY BASIS.
WE TALKED ABOUT THIS ONE DAY,
YOU CALLED ME AND YOU SAID,
"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
I SAID, "I'M DRIVING AN OLD
RUSSIAN MOTORCYCLE THROUGH
RICE PATTIES IN VIETNAM."
AND YOU WERE LIKE, "YOU GOTTA
TALK ABOUT THAT ON STAGE."
YEAH, YOU DO.
I'M ANNOYING AS FUCK AT A
PARTY. IF ANYONE'S LIKE,
"OH, WE WENT ZIP LINING."
I DID 120 ON FLIGHT LINES
OUTSIDE OF VEGAS.
I ALMOST BROKE MY FUCKING
KNEES.
AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OH."
YOU ALMOST BROKE YOUR KNEES?
YEAH.
HOW DID YOU ALMOST
BREAK YOUR KNEES?
SO, THESE FLIGHT LINES
ARE BASICALLY ZIP LINES
LIKE STEROIDS.
THEY'RE MASSIVE CABLES AND
THEN MASSIVE RIGS.
AND YOU HAVE TO CONTROL YOUR
BODY IN THE WIND SO THAT
YOU DON'T GO OVER 100 MILES
AN HOUR BECAUSE IT'S REALLY
HARD TO STOP YOU.
HOWEVER, IF THE WINDS ARE BAD,
THEY'LL CANCEL THEM.
WE WERE ALREADY UP INTO THE
HIKE SIX MILES.
YOU TAKE THE HIKE ALL THE
WAY THROUGH ZIP FLIGHT
LINE, THEN HIKE.
YOU HIKE FOR SIX MILES?
YOU HIKE ALL FUCKING DAY.
ALL DAY?
AND FLIGHT LINE A MILE
AND A HALF.
AND THEN HIKE TO THE NEXT
FLIGHT LINE.
THEN FLIGHT LINE TWO MILES.
THEY'RE LONG.
THEY'RE FUCKING GANGSTER.
THEY'RE IN BOOTLEG CANYON IN
VEGAS.
GO OUTSIDE AND DO THEM.
THEY'RE AMAZING.
HOW LONG IS THE RIDE?
UH, THE RIDE'S PROBABLY
A MINUTE AND A HALF?
MINUTE?
WOW.
I MEAN, YOU'RE FLYING.
YOU'RE FUCKING FLYING.
WHAT IF A BUG HITS YOUR FACE?
UH, IT HURTS.
IT HURTS.
DID YOU GET HIT IN THE FACE
BY A BUG?
OH, I'VE BEEN HITTING
FUCKING BUGS BY BUGS A LOT.
WHAT ABOUT A GEESE?
A GOOSE?
UH, I THINK ABOUT THAT
CONSTANTLY.
YOU KNOW, FABIO.
WHAT?
YEAH, YOU KNOW, FABIO WAS
RIDING ROLLER COASTERS IN
NEW JERSEY AND A FUCKING
SEAGUL HIT HIM IN THE FACE,
BROKE HIS NOSE.
NO.
JUST TYPE IN, JUST TYPE
IN FABIO GOOSE FUCKING
ROLLER COASTER.
THAT'S GOD.
GOD DOESN'T LIKE FABIO.
GOD'S TIRED OF SEEING ALL
OF HIS FAVORITE ROMANCE
NOVELS WITH FUCKING FABIO
ON THE COVER.
THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.
REMEMBER WHEN FABIO USED
TO POSE FOR ALL THOSE
ROMANCE COVERS?
YEAH.
THOSE ROMANCE BOOKS WERE SO
FACING STRANGE.
BECAUSE THEY WERE, LIKE,
MEN THAT DIDN'T TRULY EXIST
IN NATURE.
IT'S AMA-
LIKE, I THINK THAT'S
PROBABLY WHERE, LIKE,
MINOTAIRS CAME FROM.
THE IDEA OF A MAN THAT'S
LIKE, HALF HORSE.
THAT'S A MINOTAR, RIGHT?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
OR IS IT A HALF HORSE?
THAT'S FABIO.
SHIT.
OH, DAMN.
FABIO, YOU GOT CRUSHED SOME.
WOW.
SO YEAH, I THINK ABOUT
GETTING HIT BY BUGS
AND FUCKING PEACE ALL THE TIME.
SO YOU ONLY SEE IT,
THERE'S NO ACTUAL VIDEO
WITH A GOOSE HITTING HIM
IN THE FACE.
WHAT IF THE DUDE JUST,
IS TIRED OF NOT GETTING
ATTENTION SO HE JUST
WAILED ON HIS OWN NOSE.
RIGHT.
AND NO ONE FUCKING SAW IT.
AND SAID,
MISSION, WE ALL MAKE A DEAL.
HERE, THIS IS A GOOSE
THAT HIT MY FACE.
SMACKED!
EVERY FUCKING,
ANYWAY, EVERY ONE OF
THOSE ROMANCE NOVELS
WOULD BE THIS LONG HAIRED
GUY WHO WAS SUPER ROMANTIC.
IT WAS ESSENTIALLY LIKE
A MORPH BETWEEN A MAN
AND A WOMAN.
IT WAS LIKE A WOMAN'S
DESIRE FOR A MAN,
ONE, LIKE, BEAUTIFUL,
HANDSOME AND BLOND MAN
WITH THIS LONG LUXURIOUS
MANE OF HAIR.
AND HE WAS ALWAYS LIKE
HOLDING HER.
SHE WAS LIKE -- SHE WAS
JUST GOING LIMP AND HE WAS
HOLDING HER BODY WEIGHT.
AND THAT'S WHAT SOLD
THE BOOK.
YEAH.
OH FUCK YEAH.
BECAUSE HE DID OTHER
AUTHORS.
HE DIDN'T JUST DO ONE
AUTHOR AND THAT WOULD SELL
THE BOOK.
FABIO WOULD SELL THE
FUCKING BOOK.
AND IT WASN'T EVEN A
PICTURE OF HIM.
IT WAS JUST A DRAWING.
IT WAS A DRAWING OF
KARDASHIAN SUED BECAUSE
THERE WAS SOME CHARACTER IN
SOME COMMERCIAL THAT LOOKED
LIKE HER.
SO SHE SUED.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, I GUESS
THEY CONTACTED HER AND SHE
DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT.
IT WAS THAT --
VIDEO GAME.
I BET IT WAS THAT
WILLIAM SHATNER COMMERCIAL.
THERE WAS A WILLIAM SHATNER
COMMERCIAL WHERE KIM KARDASHIAN
COMES ROLLING IN LIKE A
KARATE MARSHAL AND HAS
LEAVERS ON.
BUT IT LOOK -- I THOUGHT IT
WAS KIM KARDASHIAN.
THERE WAS ALSO A KIM KARDASHIAN
VIDEO GAME THAT SHE HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH AT FIRST.
AND THEN SHE SUED HIM AND NOW
SHE'S MAKING SHITLOADS OF
MONEY OFF THAT GAME.
IT'S LIKE AN APP.
OH.
YEAH.
THAT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
I MEAN, THIS IS -- SHE SUED
LAST YEAR FOR $20 MILLION
BECAUSE THERE WAS A WOMAN IN A
COMMERCIAL -- THE CHICK'S
NAME IS -- IT'S AN OLD NAVY
COMMERCIAL.
THE WOMAN'S NAME IS MELISSA
MOLENARO.
AND SHE SUED BECAUSE THE CHICK
LOOKED LIKE HER.
I KNOW --
Aubrey knows -- is friends with
Melissa.
OKAY.
SHE'S THE MUSICIAN GIRL,
RIGHT?
NO.
THERE'S PROBABLY A LOT OF
GIRLS NAMED MELISSA.
OKAY.
I THINK THAT'S HER.
I DON'T KNOW.
WHY DON'T YOU GOOGLE IT?
YOU GOT A --
THERE'S ACTUALLY A DICKLOAD
INCLUDING THE SENATOR'S
ASSISTANT.
YEAH.
THERE'S PROBABLY QUITE A FEW
OF THOSE GIRLS WITH THAT
NAME.
DO YOU KNOW THAT GIRL?
SHE DOES LOOK LIKE KIM
KARDASHIAN.
YEAH.
A LITTLE BIT.
YEAH.
I MEAN, SHE LOOKS LIKE HER
A LITTLE BIT.
BUT HOW -- I MEAN, WHAT?
NO GIRLS WITH DARK HAIR
ALLOWED TO BE ON TV ANYMORE?
IS THAT WHAT'S GOING ON?
WE HAVE TO PRETEND THAT
EVERY GIRL WITH DARK HAIR
IS PRETENDING TO BE YOU?
HOW FUCKING EGOTISTICAL
IS THAT?
SHE'S STEALING HER ESSENCE
THOUGH.
SHE'S A LITTLE BIT.
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