Name: Joe Rogan Experience #624 - Tom Segura
Uploaded: 2015-03-11T08:41:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #624 - Tom Segura' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-03-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #624 - Tom Segura' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-03-11. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #624 - Tom Segura

So, I got that book in the mail.
You got it?
I got that book.
The Real Man.
Have you been getting better?
I've been working on my Real Man skills.
Tommy Bunz, this is Tom Segura, ladies and gentlemen, aka Tommy Bunz from Your
Mom's
House Podcast and many other things, but he introduced me to a great man, a man
who wrote
a book that every man should read.
What is his name again?
Julian Ray?
You nailed it.
Julian Ray.
Yes.
And he wrote a book called The Real Man, which might be the worst book that
anybody ever wrote.
You know, it's epic on a lot of levels.
Do you know what I was thinking about after you left?
What it is that, like every dude, it really is his, it's his game for getting
laid, was
making that book.
He's the guy that goes like, ignore these guys that are, they're whistling at
you and saying
things about the way, I respect you.
But, you know what I mean?
Like, it's that play to get laid and writing that book is just his play to get
pussy, is
what I'm saying.
Right, it's his play to separate himself from the pack by showing his wisdom.
Exactly.
And showing, and being like, I'm not a pig.
Right.
Like these other guys.
Like everyone else.
Yeah, I'm a different.
We're over at, what is that, connected to TriCaster thing?
So we're at Tommy's house.
You see those yellow tabs?
If you don't see this live, what he has is this thing, this book where he has
these yellow
tabs at virtually everything interesting in the book.
So they're overflowing with yellow tabs.
And Tommy just goes to them and just laughing as he's going to each tab, just
like that.
Every time you go to the table, look at your face, you're so happy.
I started doing that because I saw Oprah do it with books when she had guests.
She was like, let me read you a passage from your book.
And so I was like, I got to start marking my favorite passages from this book.
With post-it notes, that's a very clever way of doing it.
There are three separate chapters in this book that address just smelling good.
He has a chapter called smell.
He has a chapter called body odor.
And a chapter called sanitation.
Why is that so ridiculous?
It's crazy.
It's all basically don't smell bad.
Oh, that is so funny.
Yeah.
And that dude gave me that book in person, you know?
Yeah, he ran up to you in Hong Kong, right?
Yep.
That's hilarious.
And then we found his dating profile online.
Did you get that too?
No.
What?
Yeah, he has a dating profile?
We don't need to mock this gentleman anymore than we already have.
It's already heavy.
It feels cruel.
And I read it in full on my podcast, his dating profile.
So he's been mocked plenty.
He's probably like, every time he hears about it, he's like, that one fucking
book.
Yep.
If I just didn't go up to him and gave him that one fucking book.
That one asshole.
Yeah.
See, he says he dabbles in stand-up too.
I bet he's hilarious.
Oh.
He should be on the Ding Dong Show.
Yeah, no.
He would crush it there.
Yeah, he would crush the Ding Dong Show.
There's a lot of weird dudes out there, man.
There is.
And you know, that's the thing is I actually was like, you know, he...
I really think that every dude's personality to a degree is developed as their
play to get laid.
You know what I mean?
Like, everyone takes their angle.
Some are more genuine than others.
But I think he really got into this because he thought this will be the way
that I do it.
You know, this is my way to get girls.
By writing a book telling everybody how to be.
I think so.
I think in his mind, it'll show these other ladies that, like, I'm so
respectful of women that you should give me a chance.
That's how I see it.
So respectful that I'm published.
Is there, like, misspellings in this book and everything?
Because I'm looking at all the reviews, which are all your fans, I can tell.
But it looks like he spelled breath wrong, or what's the breath thing?
Well, is there an E at the end?
It's B-U-R-E-T-H.
Your breathe should be delicious and refreshing.
Bad breathe.
Yeah, I mean, there's nine word chapters, so...
Oh.
Not paragraphs.
Yeah, chapters.
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Poor guy.
Well, you know what, man?
Maybe he enjoys it.
Everybody's got a different frequency.
Maybe to him, he's like, I don't know what the fuck these guys are talking
about.
I nailed it.
Yeah.
I go over that book with a fine-tooth comb.
I don't find any flaws.
Matter of fact, I think it might be the greatest piece of literature ever
created.
Yeah.
And then, you know, people started, I think you said it, and then I got a bunch
of emails
from people being like, we have to make this a New York Times bestseller.
I bought it immediately.
I bought it.
Amazon one-clicked it while I was on your show.
You know he's been getting emails, like, notifying him of either reviews or
sales, where he's
like, this shit's finally taken off.
I've been waiting for this to take off, and it just picked up this week.
It's like, I've told you that story about Joey Diaz hiding behind the curtains
of the
comedy store while this woman was on stage.
This woman used to bomb every week.
She was an open-miker.
But she was one of those open-mikers that was, like, always there.
She was always there.
She was there on a Friday night, Saturday night.
Like, I think they kicked her out of the store.
I don't think she's allowed to go to the store anymore.
She was crazy.
Anyway, she's on stage and doing her usual jokes.
But Joey Diaz had snuck behind the stage, and he was back behind the curtain.
He drops his pants, and every time she says a punchline, he opens the curtains,
and people
see his belly, his ball bag, his dick, and then he closes the curtains.
And it's like, it was the ultimate, like, punchline machine.
Hilarious.
And she crushed, dude.
She crushed.
She was strutting on stage with confidence.
She was like, all of a sudden, people get it.
Yeah.
They finally get me.
That's so great.
It's so great that she, and then she, did she find out right away or no?
She never found out.
She never, that's the best.
To this day, I don't say her name when I talk about it because I don't want
people to know.
Maybe I said it once.
But most of the time, I don't say her name.
Yeah.
And you know, though, that when she tells people about Stamps, she's like,
should have been
there, man.
June 7th, 2003.
Well, I was there the next time she got on stage, or one of the next times she
got on stage.
And she's like, God, this audience sucks.
She's like, all of a sudden, it was like the audience.
It's his fault.
That's so funny.
There's such a funny thing about, like, some of the, I remember, like, some
open micers,
their unwavering, like, dedication to sticking to, and, like, I'm saying not
like somebody
who's developing, like, who's horrific, and they're just like, nope, every
fucking time.
I've only been doing it 19 years.
And you're like, Jesus Christ.
Well, you know what it becomes, man?
It becomes, like, their culture.
Like, that's their hangout.
Yeah, that's true.
They're, they're, that is, like, amateur bowling night.
Like, should you only bowl if you're going to be a professional bowler?
Right.
You know, I mean, to someone who's, like, a serious bowler, and they watch some
fuckheads
like you and I, go there and gutter ball it.
You guys are taking up lanes, man.
Rolling in as hard as you can.
Yeah, totally.
That's what I do.
That's what I do, too.
I'm fucking terrible at bowling.
But I'm going to shot put this shit down there.
Think about it, man.
I mean, we don't respect that at all out of comedians.
Right.
Like, if you're a terrible bowler, and you go to the bowling alley, the other
bowler's like,
look at this fucking loser.
But if you're a terrible comedian, a lot of people will look down upon you.
Definitely.
With just great judgment.
Yeah.
Disgust.
Ugh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What if that happens?
I don't, I think that happens with bowlers?
I think so.
This gutter ball rolling bitch.
I think, I think it's probably, like, you know, some comedians would ignore
somebody really
bad.
They'll just be like, yeah, that's just terrible.
Well, sometimes you can't, you got to ignore them.
Right.
Because then they'll just corner you.
True.
They'll corner you, and they'll ask you what the secret is.
Like, you got to tell them where the leprechaun lives.
Yeah.
How often do you get asked where the secret is?
I bet it's quite a bit, right?
Not really.
No?
No.
The secret?
No.
No?
Like, not even, like, emails?
Dude, I'm starting out.
Yeah, I get those occasionally.
But my email is not very obvious.
And the other thing is that even if I do get those, like, if I don't know, like,
I can't
tell you anything.
So what am I going to do?
There's not, very few things you could tell someone who's, like, just starting
out or
someone who's not doing well or.
Yeah.
Very few things you could tell them.
Well, I used to.
Especially without knowing them.
I used to say a lot more, and now I got it down to, like, a sentence.
I mean, and I'm honest with it.
I'm just, like, write a lot, get on stage a lot.
Yeah.
What else am I going to tell you?
Write a lot, get on stage a lot.
Not only that, there's some people that even if they write a lot and get on
stage a lot,
for whatever reason, they're never going to figure it out.
No matter what it is, whether it's being a musician or being good at fucking
bowling.
There's people that I played pool with back when I played pool.
I played pool for years.
And there's people that never got any better than they were the first time I
met them.
That is crazy.
I mean, and I know it's not, I'm not saying it about just those people, but
that is kind
of a fascinating thing where, like, you don't, you have no progression.
There's a lot of people like that in martial arts.
Really?
There's a lot of people like that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's a lot of people that would hit this, like, really low-level proficiency
where they certainly got better than the first day.
Right.
They weren't like they were on the first day, but they only got to, like, a
certain level.
And then they just stopped.
They stopped figuring out.
I don't think it's an athletic talent thing.
I think it's, like, a focus thing or a desire thing or...
That's something you realize as you get older is that some people do not have
the ability
to hone in and, like, zone, focus on something really hard.
Some people have an unbelievable, like, the best athletes have this amazing
ability to focus
on their goal, on their training, on what they're doing.
And then, you know, artists, too, like, they focus on their music, on their
writing.
And I've noticed that there's just people, friends in life who, they can't
focus on
anything.
Like, they can't make their job that they might like or not like a big part of,
like,
their, you know, wanting to get...
They want to progress, but they don't know how to focus on getting better at it.
They're like, I wish I was further along.
But they're just so scrambled all the time.
That's a really common thing with comedians, and they pretend that they're not
scrambled.
Right.
They always want to tell you how organized they are now.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah, man, I got notes now and everything.
Look at this book.
It's fucking...
Yeah.
They do the same goddamn material every goddamn week for years on end.
I got a guy a fucking guest spot at a club, and I shouldn't have.
And, like, you know, I was like, give...
Like, get...
I was working the club, and I had worked with him before, and this lady was
like, oh, shit.
Well, she goes, so he's good?
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, watch him.
And so he does this set on the first show.
It was like a Saturday night.
He does a guest spot.
And it doesn't go well.
And he was like, fuck, you know, what I'm going to do is on the second...
Because there's a second show.
He's like, I'll do a whole other set.
And I was like, all right.
And I go, well, just watch him on the second show.
He's going to do a completely different set.
Because he, you know, and he was like, that was this material.
I'll do all this other material.
I go, okay.
And he