Name: Best of Tom Segura - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume 1
Uploaded: 2015-05-16T04:18:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Best of Tom Segura - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume 1' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Best of Tom Segura - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume 1' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-16. Transcript available.

Best of Tom Segura - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume  1

the joe rogan experience um her brother i hope she covers all that
up with a big gucci main ice cream cone
have you seen that yeah gucci main put an ice cream cone on his face yeah well
what's his name uh and it says burr have you seen it no
pull up the picture of gucci main ice cream cone how about how about baby
big baby burn man's uh oil oil drill on his oil drill oil drill going tattooed
on the side of his head he does he really yes man he's got giant stars all over
his head too right
insane do you know who just tattooed his head jason ellis he put a look at it
damn
look it's got lightning bolts man my eyes can be on fire gucci main is crazy
look at him he put an
ice cream cone on his face it says burr you see it you see it on the cone yeah
b r r r and the tattoo guy
okay cold as ice man could you could you um i want i'm gonna have to get you to
request this on video
and then i need you to get i need you to write this down come on man just
tattoo it i ain't gonna
change my mind put butter picard on my face man yo dog don't be giving me no
vanilla ice cream
i hate vanilla i want a cone a good one like a waffle type
cookie dough ice cream no spoon man no spoon i let that up them delicious cones
with the upper upper
level that is like styrofoam like yeah the craziest part of the lightning bolts
put lightning on my ice
cream but he's got other on his face too he's like he's got like writing on his
face too he's just like
using his face to draw can you see what it says under his eye can you read what
he's gonna get pissed
he has things on his eye under his eye yeah oh those are tattoos too oh my god
yeah it looks like it
under his eye says something what the what's up boopy or some what is that it
looks like i see
what does it say one thousand veg i don't know it's hard to see ten times ten
with the s on the end
yeah and on the other side he has looks like a dove or something from the honda's
back yeah that
that dude is probably irrational gucci huh i don't know anybody today i'm just
so i'm out of the loop
i'm pretty out of it i know stuff that like that because it's in the news and i
know um mostly the
music i grew up on i'm not aware of a lot of the new shit gucci main i know
because you know like a
son to me but that's it there's so much music that was been had been made when
you think about the
fact that from 1960 whatever to today you know you want to go crazy you want to
go robert johnson you
can listen to some recorded in the 30s and 40s right yeah yeah but think about
that to till today
what a gigantic pile of music that is i mean there's so much out there what a
body of work yeah all the
different musicians in the 60s the 70s the 50s oh my god there's so much music
it's like to come
up with new stuff it's like uh to really get me into it it has to be like the
black keys spent just
crazy lots of money like did he blow through nine cars and yeah like he blew
through a lot of it
he was on that broke um special that they aired and he was just like somebody
pulled up you know in
like a ferrari you're like yeah that's just hot i gotta top that shit so then
he would go like the
day that day i got lambo with the brains blown out man like just to top each
other guys would just buy
shit to show off you know to compete with each other on it they say that there's
some ungodly number of
people it's like 80 percent of all nfl players are broke and in bankruptcy
within two years of retiring
it's it's incredible i mean you know the older i get the more i understand the
younger guys
having no like zero sense or and also zero like financial yeah iq like they don't
know no 21 they're
like here's three million dollars and they're like what the fuck yo let's get
this party started 22.
yeah yeah i imagine it's crazy but it's crazier when they're like he played 10
12 16 years like
iverson and he's blown through like 200 million dollars and you're like iverson
broke now yes yes
and how old is he now he's 37 something like that his body's not working right
anymore oh he's out
of the nba yeah and he's and he's trying to play but he's run through well into
nine figures you know
wow i mean i you know and that's and that's you know you have to consider he
made a lot of endorsements
so nine figures nine figures dude yeah make seven figures yeah girls would be
like wow he makes
seven figures it's like can i make nine nine i blew to it all yeah that's crazy
man whoopsies
it's crazy the 300 million dollars it's so much they they interviewed one uh
defensive like a guy on the on
the the special on the the broke thing and he was like i don't know why man but
he's like everybody
had a car wash he's like we all had a car wash man that that did not last like
we all spent money
on a car we all bought a car wash yeah man you ain't got your own car wash and
bart scott had the
but he was like you buy shit that's unnecessary he's not broke at all he's
still playing and he's
like i'm smarter with my money but he's like you know everybody's a stupid
purchase i bought a coat
i think it was made of wolf and he's like i wore that shit once and it was like
thirty five thousand
dollars dude i gotta tell you diaz first of all he got stopped in three
different airports by like
eight different people this weekend oh by throngs of fans you're saying fans tsa
we're at the airport and they want to check under his balls for weed
he first of all my god his his tolerance his it's stunning dude i took a
quarter of a bite
of an edible you're brave quarter yeah i mean the very end of it and 30 minutes
later i was just
out of my mind i mean my eyes weren't even open okay and i could tell people
were looking at me like
they're like yeah and you're like i'm not hiding this at all like this is bad
and he ate of that he
ate an entire one like and then he's like saying ridiculous shit like that i i
feel like i get
arrested for thinking it like i don't i can't play it back in my head i was
like dude shut the fuck up
what was he saying i cannot i really can't say the main thing that he was i can't
why it would he would
be it was it's not okay to say why is it not okay it's just does it have to do
with ethnic groups a
lot of them yeah so many racial things that you can't say but this one in
particular is awful i'll
tell you it's so awful like i can't even spin it i can't spin a joke but you
know i have and this is
one of the things that i've been on about lately i have a real problem when
people get upset at people
that say that they don't really mean but that it's awful but hilarious yeah i
agree i agree because
like look how hard we're laughing i don't even know yeah look at the picture
you guys yeah i don't even
know what he said i don't even know what he said to you and i'm already
laughing it's just crazy thinking
about all the he said to me in the past of course of course well he he's going
off about this thing
i'm standing there i look like i'm gonna puke because i'm laughing so hard
because and we're
this is in the airport and he's around people like there's right he has no
sense he doesn't give a
fuck no he's like blah blah blah shut up dude he doesn't give a no and i have i
have tears people
looking about and then he's like tsa and uh this guy i look in the uniform
looks over and he's like
you got to look at this guy i'm like dude i'm all up like don't bring attention
to me right now
and then that guy he's like hey joe diaz i'm a big fan i'm like are you kidding
me right now
i turn around and walk away i was like i'm leaving it's too high for this yeah
i walk away
i leave him i'm like i don't want any part of this and i go i buy a magazine
that i leave at the
counter that's how high i am i'm like i want to get this magazine and then i
walk away from it and i
remember like 30 minutes later before we board and i go back and it's sitting
there and i go that's my
magazine and this lady's like okay and i go i paid for it already and she's
like okay like go ahead and
take that if you want like so out of my mind but then then we walk by we go and
a guy a pilot comes
by you know they have like their they always have that that double look luggage
thing right there one
bag on top of the other yes the pilot bag yeah he walks by us and he's like hey
joey diaz and i'm
like are you serious right now and he's like this is my airport everybody calls
me at this airport i'm
like really this is my airport yeah and then oregon no this was in burbank he's
like i run the burbank
airport dog okay we then get stopped in we land in sacramento and people stop
him for pictures then the
baggage handler uh stops him asks him like 100 questions i hate these questions
guys ask way too
many questions okay so we leave there well he's super high can i'm just having
conversations with
people then a family stops him a lady with kids stops him for a picture they
all take a picture
together like it was non-stop the best was that oh this is the best part so i
take the quarter bite
right and i'm completely out of my mind he eats an entire one we sit down on
the plane and he starts
talking to me i'm like shut up man shut the up i cannot listen to you right now
because i'm like
shaking like i'm like i'm like i got it so you told him to shut up because you're
laughing too hard
yes yes i'm like i can't hear you talk shut up and he's like he's like he like
looks around he's like
anyways and he opens up a second one eats the second and of the thing i have a
quarter bite of so he's on
eight doses of what i'm on and i'm like jesus christ so we go through this
flight and every time
he looks at me like i said he goes oh and i'm like dude shut up you ever heard
the duncan story no he
gives duncan a cookie and then he calls him an hour and a half later he goes
welcome to my world
motherfucker dude so oh oh we land we land and i and um as we're landing i was
like man
i go dude i was i was pretty up man and he goes and i look at him because all i'm
thinking is like
i can't believe how much more advanced you are than me you know it's like like
i cannot believe oh you
mean tolerance-wise yes like it's like i can't believe i ran a mile and you
just ran 40 miles
like that's crazy to me and we both finished at the same time and then i go so
i'm amazed that he's
not affected i go i can't believe how much that me and he goes i almost had
three panic attacks on that
flight i was like yes it made me so happy that that he was also up and he i was
like um he doesn't
care he still goes that's right back right back in i go i go i'm glad it's
starting to wear off he
goes not for me i'm fucked up right now yeah his idea of going deep is so much
deeper than your idea
yes he's breaking world records on a daily basis all the time he's at the
bottom of the marianas
trench with a shovel and he's like there's got to be a deeper spot this is
bullshit and the first thing
he did as we get off that was like let's smoke this joint i was like what are
you talking about
what are you talking about man we're not smoking a joint i can take a break he's
a maniac he's a
maniac yeah well he just goes through the whole day like that and that's where
you know people would
step in and say that boy's got a problem yeah i'll tell you what but he doesn't
yeah because for a
comedian yeah it might be the best way to live life yeah scared on a regular
basis and in between
laughing your dick off scared laughing your dick off scared laughing your dick
off yeah he um uh he's
the funny thing is like even his regular cadence it's so is out of the norm for
other people yeah that you
see people react to him it's more fun to even watch people like at the
restaurant next to us react to
him than it is almost to watch him like he's talking and i see them like they're
like jesus like
this is like a it's like you brought in a pit bull to have lunch here you know
i mean they've never
seen somebody so intense and animated and saying these crazy things it's like
you watch them react to joey
right right right yeah yeah i know what y