Name: Joe Rogan Experience #673 - Nick DiPaolo & Adam Lowery
Uploaded: 2015-07-23T02:15:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #673 - Nick DiPaolo & Adam Lowery' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-07-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #673 - Nick DiPaolo & Adam Lowery' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-07-23. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #673 - Nick DiPaolo & Adam Lowery

Alright, we're live. We're going in. I'm here with Nick DiPaolo, Brian Redband,
hello ladies and gentlemen, and we're looking at the tunnel that they dug under,
I believe his name is El Chapo, yes, El Chapo Guzman. Respect. Respect for, you
know, forget about all the terrible shit I'm sure that guy has done. Listen,
you gotta give props when they're due. This guy, I mean, he's got a fucking
plan. He executed it like a goddamn Clint Eastwood movie.
I know. This is a movie. I've hired contractors who don't do work that good.
That tunnel was perfect for Christ's sake. And he was in jail for a year, so I
wonder if it took a year for them to do this. Oh Christ. I wonder how they did
it. Probably got a crew of six and they did it in three hours. They dug a
fucking mile tunnel. There's a video of him going into the hole, too. See if
you can find the video, because you actually see him go, well, see ya. He just
fucking, he just goes over to buy where his toilet is and just steps down into
the,
I'm not kidding, man. It's crazy. It's crazy to watch. Yeah, there was a
staircase. It's like a movie and it's going to end with Trump, you know? Oh my
God. And the movie's going to be Trumped.
Do you know his, um, his son said something, he texted something, or tweeted
something to Trump. Jesus Christ, how terrified must Trump be right now? Can
you imagine this fucking guy who can dig a tunnel a mile under the ground?
It comes up behind Trump's house. It's trying to kick your ass. Isn't it weird
that history is tweeted now? Like, in the past, it used to be, like, by horse
and message carrier, and now it's tweeted.
Yeah, so strange. So strange. People on the run have, you know, access to
Twitter.
When you find out something happened, like somebody died, what do you do
immediately? I go to Twitter.
Yeah. Immediately. I just go and look in the timeline. Depends. Depends who it
is. Depends who it is that died. Might check my space on a couple of those guys.
Yeah, like, you would see, like, R.I.P., like, Leonard Nimoy was a big one for
me. I was like, oh, fuck. Spock? Fucking Spock died?
And immediately I went to Twitter, and bam, it was right there. I had a, look
at this. He's got a motorcycle. Sorry, while we're watching this. The hunt for
El Chapo.
El Chapo was a fucking motorcycle. I had a jug of whiskey. Like, what is that
jug on the front seat?
It's tequila. He's gonna fucking party as soon as he gets on that thing. Look,
I want a, I want a motorbike and a gallon of cider.
This is like El Machete. I mean, it really is. Like, he gets down through the
hole. There's a motorcycle with fucking liquor.
On rails. And it was on rails. Like a ride at fucking Disney. And he's, and he's
gone.
Look at that. Tunnel cost five million. Took a year to build. Holy shit.
Boy, the authorities are really fucking on top of it, huh?
How funny is that, though? That they, they take a wild guess at five million.
Bitch, you don't know how much you pay.
Yeah, where'd they, I was, where'd you get that price?
I was just guessing.
Well, we called Home Depot, and they said the, uh, the two by fours are at
least 60.
Well, the amount of 30 out of this place, you know, you think you gotta factor
in trucking and union costs?
This is where, this is his toilet. So, what he did was, they built it right
behind the stall.
So, I guess he has, like, a little bit of privacy there, and that's where they
fucked up.
They gave him, like, a little bit of shitter privacy.
Yeah, which, which, you know, why would he do that?
Well, now they know. You can't give the guy shitter privacy if you catch him
again.
Now you have to shit in the front of your cell?
I mean, come on. This is crazy. This is like...
It's a colonoscopy. Look, Joe.
My butthole looks that good. I'd be very happy.
It's that wide and clean. It's ready to go.
It's getting licked out.
That's all protein powder stuck to the side.
Fucking green energy drinks and Joe Coffee and all that other shit.
Killshakes and moose.
That's my prostate with a wire hanging out of it.
Electronic prostate.
Did you see they're going to be able to make artificial penises?
They said within the next five years, they're going to have lab-created penises.
I'm already on the list.
You didn't hear about this like a year ago?
Can you imagine having the first generation of them?
Well, I was in Miami the other day and I saw this woman that had an artificial
butt.
Like the most obvious artificial butt I've ever seen.
Yeah, those look bad now.
It was so bizarre.
It was so strange.
But what happened was she just went crazy.
You know, she didn't say, well, I'm going to get a little butt lift, add a
little...
No, she went nuts.
Here's El Chapo. Watch this. Watch him walk through this.
This is hilarious.
He's just hanging out.
Yeah, you know, just in my cell.
Another day, no big deal.
And then they give him like a knock, knock, knock.
He goes, all right, let's fucking do this.
Goes back there, steps down, and boom, it's over.
How the fuck?
How the fuck do you not respect that?
And for him, five million.
Like, what a bargain.
You know?
It looked like he was doing that trick that people do when they walk behind a
wall at a party.
They go like...
You know when your friends do that when you're drunk?
The fake staircase trick.
Yeah, the fake staircase trick.
That's exactly what it looked like.
That's hilarious.
And he's gone.
And he's gone.
For now.
There had to be some cooperation.
That was a little too easy.
I don't know why you would assume that.
You know, you always think the worst of people.
And I think that's one of your faults, buddy.
Which is one of my fucking strong points.
When you look at that, it's like...
I mean...
That's about as clear an example of an inside job as you're ever going to
fucking get.
Nobody heard digging?
Nobody heard nothing?
Nothing?
A motorcycle starting up?
Yeah.
Do you guys even notice that there's one lone house that was just built a mile
away?
You didn't notice?
Yeah, no, exactly.
Yeah, where was the output?
Was it a house?
It was a house.
I thought I heard a dirt bike starting up in El Chapo.
No, no, no, no.
Nothing, my friend.
I smell whiskey.
They had a jug for him.
The guy out there, he gets a fucking jug of whiskey or whatever was in that jug.
Definitely had to be tequila.
I'm assuming it was booze.
Maybe a little Waterfellas.
I mean, it was a ton.
That's true.
Well, he had a regular cell, so it wasn't like Goodfellas style.
Right.
Remember those guys?
The lobsters and the steaks coming in.
They're slicing the garlic with the razor blade.
You always knew how to make the sauce.
Yeah.
That fucking sauce.
I tried that after that.
I tried slicing the garlic with the razor blade.
It's very annoying.
Yeah, it's too much work.
It's not worth it.
No.
It's so not worth it.
My grandmother wouldn't even do that shit.
That's the kind of shit you do when you're in jail.
Exactly.
There's no pussy.
You're lost and trapped in this horrible environment where people tell you what
to do every day.
Just decide to find out new ways to chop garlic.
But some people did live like that, right?
Yeah.
That's real shit.
You really did have cordoned off areas in jails.
How the fuck did they ever pull that off?
Same way El Chapo.
But that's even kind of crazier, because at least El Chapo you could kind of
say you didn't know until the end.
If there's a whole section of your jail that has carpets over the fucking bars
so you can't see in, and you smell cooking, and the guards are getting mad
because they don't have fans, so they're frying steaks in there, and smoke's
getting everywhere.
Those two guys that broke out of upstate New York, in that prison you were
allowed to put sheets up to block the view of the, you could put sheets in the
front of your cell, yes, that was allowed.
So it became like a really shitty apartment.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
I mean, how is that allowed in a prison?
That doesn't seem like prison-ish.
Up in Hillbillyville, I mean, what the fuck?
That's got to be one of the weirdest things about being in a prison, is that
you don't, no one sees, you see everybody.
Like, no one has any privacy.
You're like constantly exposed to each other.
That's very unnatural.
Just that alone.
I mean, you've got to, but obviously, you see something like this, where all
you had was like a little, little tiny wall over the shitter, like next to the
shitter.
I don't even like shitting at Fenway, you know?
I can't imagine being in a cell with another guy three feet away.
There's those decisions you have to make, though, right?
Like airport shits?
You've got to go, we're just going to do this, regardless of how disgusting it
smells in there, and what was in the toilet already.
Sometimes you've just got to get rid of a package.
Those are the worst, the airport, especially international terminals.
You've got 11 different odors coming out of 11 different stuff.
Yeah, you've got curry next to you, fucking coffee from Columbia.
It's like food court.
I was in Miami the other day, and I had to go through immigration, and when I
was going through the immigration thing, there's this giant fucking line of
people, and everywhere you look, there's the Ebola signs.
There's these signs, like, if you have an elevated temperature, don't do this,
don't do that, and they have all these, there's like four or five Ebola signs
right in front of me.
Warning, have you been to Liberia?
Have you been to, we were in Costa Rica.
It's Liberia, but it's spelled Liberia.
So, you know, my wife is like, are we going to get Ebola?
Like, is there Ebola in this fucking, no, it's Africa, Liberia.
Thus, the need for borders, Joe.
But what about those poor people that have Ebola?
What are we, all the fucking, everybody in the world that fucking...
I just don't think that we deserve it.
I know you don't, you've been taught to hate this country.
No, I love this country, how dare you?
But why don't you think we deserve it?
Nicholas, will you hate this America country?
I don't know, I'm about to say that.
I love this country.
I just think that other people, they're fucked, we need to help them.
They're in trouble.
We are.
They're in trouble.
What kind of taxes are you paying?
There's not enough, there's no way.
We'd be paying way more if we were actually helping Africa.
Oh, that's true.
Imagine the, well, rebuilding, you know, if we rebuild Iraq, imagine if we just
decided
to do that, just start rebuilding infrastructures of cities, just without war.
Just go in there, big time government contracts, just rebuild, like, Liberia.
Like, Liberia, if you've never seen it, there's a Vice documentary on it.
They have a summer home over there.
Inside or outside the shit way, because there's like an area where people just
shit on the street.
You've got to make sure, you want to make sure you're not downwind of that.
Yeah.
Real estate price is very, it's like being north or south of the boulevard.
Just the smells knock on your property value?
It's, well, Shane Smith from Vice went down there years ago, and they did this
documentary
on how crazy Liberia was.
You'll love this.
One of the things that happened in Liberia is, I believe, it was a place where
they put
a lot of slaves once they were set free.
Once, like, American slaves that went back to Africa, I think that was also a
big part of Liberia.
And the government collapsed there.
Like, if you're really interested in the story, don't listen to it from me,
because I'm going
to butcher it.
But Shane's Vice piece kind of details where that country went wrong.
And, you know, it's fucking chaos there now.
Like, they're serving, like, on these little carts where they serve food on the
side of the
road.
They were serving human meat.
And you know how this guy recognized it?
You can get that on La Cienega.
The guy recognizes it because he had eaten human meat, so he knew what it
tasted like, so
he turned the guy in.
It is...
What part of that story was I supposed to love?
You go, you'll love this.
Then you go into