Name: Best of Joey Diaz - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume 4
Uploaded: 2015-09-03T00:24:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Best of Joey Diaz - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume 4' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Best of Joey Diaz - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume 4' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-03. Transcript available.

Best of Joey Diaz - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume 4

- Good googly moogly?
- Good googly moogly.
- I'm sure someone must have, Joey.
People steal everything.
- Did you see this?
This is me in high school Duncan Trussell.
- Yeah, I saw that.
- Did you see that?
Un-fucking-believable.
- Joey's in the far right.
That's insane.
- Look at my shoulders.
- You were so cute.
- Check out those sexy legs.
- Lucky Seven.
- Yep.
- Can you get it so just his whole body fills the screen?
- No, I was 44.
I was 44.
There was no Lucky Seven concept.
- Yeah, like that.
Look at that.
Wow.
That's so crazy.
- Wow, look at you, dude.
So how old are you in this picture?
- 14.
- 14.
God damn, Joey, you're cute as a button.
- And look at David Ruiz.
- Turn around and talk into the microphones
so other people can hear this too.
- That kid right there--
- Joey, it's up on this screen too.
- That kid with the afro was a very interesting story.
- This guy right here?
- Because we were a horrible basketball team at McKinley.
- Can you go full screen?
- And he moved in to our neighborhood.
- Does it do that?
- He could jump.
He was five foot eight,
but this kid could fucking jump.
He called him Julius Erving.
So he was Dominican.
His name was Louis Hernandez.
I'm from Jersey.
They just planned it.
They just cut it short and called him Louis the nigger.
They said, fuck it.
We don't care if he's Dominican.
We're not going to even think about that.
We're just going to.
This is David Ruiz.
He's still around.
- They called him that to his face too.
Like Louis the nigger.
And when we were in the seventh.
- Did he get pissed?
- Fuck you, bitch.
Yeah, he was a tough kid.
- Did he get mad at you when you called him?
- Sometimes.
I think he bit slapped two or three people.
But the best thing he did was, we used to do acid.
When we first started smoking weed in the eighth grade, we'd go behind the
soccer field in
North Bergen and he let us blow smoke into his afro and see the smoke come out
of the air.
How cool was he?
- I remember that.
I remember you told me that.
- This was the crew.
So I knew all these motherfuckers.
Scroll down to the.
All right, this kid here.
No, up, up.
That kid there was David Black.
We graduated together and I knew him after the fact.
And one night he came into Joe and Matt.
He's like, look, you got a car.
You got to give me a ride.
If you give me a ride, I'll give you a rock.
All right, we gave him a ride.
He gets out of the car in West New York.
About three minutes later, he comes running back bleeding with his hair pulled.
I go, what happened?
He goes, I went and robbed my sister.
I mean, he was serious.
He had coke rocks for everybody.
A chunk of his fucking hair.
She caught him on the way out as he was pulling out of the window.
And she just took, he was bleeding and everything.
- His sister, he robbed his sister through the window.
- His sister, oh my God, hysterical.
- Oh my God, savages.
- This is when cocaine was king.
This is 83, dog, at three in the morning.
You asked me for a ride.
I got to do what I got to do.
- Think of how crazy that statement is.
- This is fucking crazy.
- Joey, I wish you could do your own stand by me.
My fucking God.
This is...
- Joey, who is this?
Why is his head so small?
- When I got this picture, I nearly...
Which one, the Filipino kid?
- No, this guy on the left.
- That kid's like a multi-gazillioner now.
His family owns a tow truck company in Northern New Jersey, New York City.
If you get towed, his family is the one that owns it.
I swear to God.
- I believe you.
- This is fucking crazy shit here.
- I believe you.
- It's fucking crazy, man.
- So 1978?
- Somebody sent me this yesterday while I was eating dinner.
- Wow.
- And I almost had a fucking heart attack.
- That's incredible.
- A friend goes, look what I found looking through yearbooks.
And that's when I was an innocent...
No, I was smoking dope then.
I was no innocent then.
I was smoking dope.
I was finger-banging people.
- You can still be innocent.
- You can still be innocent and finger-banging.
- It was just me and my mom at the house.
Yeah, yeah, I was okay.
I was okay.
I wasn't crazy then.
When I grew up in Jersey, the PAL was geared more towards boxing.
When I was in New York City, it was a place that they had like a boxing.
They had a pool table.
They had, you know, sodas and shit like that, activities.
You made like ceramics and shit, depending on your age.
In Jersey, it was more Mr. Gamio.
Mr. Gamio was a Cuban dude and he ran the boxing program.
And I just knew his two sons, Julio and Cesar.
They got me a job at Putnam Fuel.
And they were like, listen, when you get the job, you gotta rob.
Putnam Fuel is right by Sea Caucus off of Route 3.
It's dirty truck people going there.
Dirty Joe Rogan.
I lasted about three weeks before they fired me.
But I left there and after three weeks, the guy at night was a half a Momo.
His name was Freddy.
Remember I was telling you this?
So we robbed him one night.
We go, listen, we'll just go on there and beat Freddy up.
We were like sophomores in high school.
We'll put masks on, me and Didi Quintero.
And when he comes out, because in Jersey, you pay the gas guy.
You don't go into a store.
You know, they pump your gas.
So if you robbed a guy, you basically robbed a joint.
Do you follow me?
Only Oregon and New Jersey is where people pump your gas.
Everybody else, you walk in with a card.
So we were kids.
We were like, let's rob, fucked up Freddy.
You know, when I worked there, I got to know Freddy.
Freddy's wife looked like Honey Boo Boo's mother.
Freddy was a little guy, but Honey Boo, his wife was like 400 pounds.
And the only way she would let him fuck her is if he brought blow home.
And he was a skinny, tiny guy like Eddie Bravo.
She was like 390.
And she would actually put the bikini on.
And they were such white trash.
They lived in a studio apartment.
They would rent a jacuzzi and put it in the living room.
These people were fucking.
They lived on the third floor.
A studio apartment with a fucking jacuzzi.
And it was the worst building in the neighborhood.
And they had Black Marlowe.
She was the only black girl in the neighborhood, Black Marlowe.
I don't know what Black Marlowe is today, but she's the real Martin Luther King.
She was the only black girl in a white neighborhood in Jersey.
That girl took torture.
She got tortured.
I always loved Black Marlowe though.
Marlowe was tight with me.
Her mother was white.
Something had happened.
Her house was fucked up.
That building was fucked up.
So I used to go over to sell them blow.
And I remember Freddy opening up the door.
And they were like a robe on.
And here's this fat wife and women with heels with a bikini on.
And he's like, thank you for bringing it to me.
Like he really was like, when you brought him to blow,
he was fucking thankful that you fucking like,
Thank you, man.
I'm going to get some pussy tonight.
Like she would not give me my hand job if he didn't have blow.
So finally, so finally, one day, me and Didi Quintero, we decided,
let's go down and rob this motherfucker on a Saturday night.
Let's wait till about midnight when he's got a grand on him.
Because you don't drop till you get 2,000.
So every 2,000, you make a drop in the floor safe.
And you can't get back in there.
So me and Didi went behind the building by Seacock.
And it was right next to this hot dog place, Snappy Nappies.
The rumor was that's where the Iceman killed somebody and put him in the tank.
By Snappy Nappies.
No, this is a real fucking area, Jersey.
And across the street was one of the biggest strip clubs on the East Coast.
Not when I was there robbing Freddy a couple years after that, like the Army
base.
So you remember, if you lived in New York, they called us the Air Force base,
some base or some shit.
But when we were kids, we went there like at 12 and we took Freddy down, dog.
We just tackled him and started like kicking him.
Like they kicked whatever his name is in that De Niro movie in the bar.
And we took his little purse and we ran away.
And he guessed it, like it took him a week.
He's like, did you guys rob me last night?
Because we had masks on and shit.
We're like, Freddy, it wasn't us.
He's like, yes, it was.
I heard your voices.
Then he came back to us.
He's like, listen, I'll let you rob me once a month.
But you got to split the money with me so I could buy an eight ball to fuck my
wife.
So once a month, we go down there and give Steady Freddy a beating.
And we kicked the fuck out of him.
Just on principle.
And he let you do it?
Yeah, he wanted to.
That's the only way the cops, you know, that's the only way the cops.
And we did it like eight times.
So did you give him black eyes, bloody noses?
Kicked him in the stomach a couple of times.
That was it.
We kneed him, knee on belly.
I didn't even know what it was.
There was no video back then either.
No.
No.
So you had to leave marks on him.
Yeah, you had to like kick him a few times.
I couldn't do it.
I had too much of a heart.
So I always had to hire.
Like I had to bring like one of my crazy friends.
That was having like a bad week.
There's a kid in Miami today that every time, every time I play South Florida,
he shows up with his girlfriend and he gets fucked up and he tells a story when
I knocked on his door with a diagram on how we were going to rob Freddy.
And he goes, that's when I knew that you were fucking for real.
He goes, I was eating dinner with my family.
You knocked on the door and had a sketch like to deal how you were going to
kick him and run into the weeds and go right to the coke dealer's house.
Like I had it planned.
We had done it so many times, but I had to keep getting different partners
because I couldn't hit Freddy.
All I could do was tackle him.
I was good at tackling him.
And then once he'd go down, I had my friend kick him a few times.
It was fucking horrible.
When you're 16, Joe, what the fuck, though?
You got to have a good time, you know?
You got to have a good time.
You're not going to kick study Freddy.
Who are you going to kick?
Jesus Christ.
Bro, we would rob him once every six weeks.
And finally it ended.
I didn't bring him the eight ball.
When that I just did his eight ball.
He got pissed off at me and that was it.
Shame on people, though.
People are just silly.
Shame on people who take the time to fucking acknowledge that shit and to blow
it up.
But we are in the proportion.
Well, it's, you know, but also, no, shut up, Brian.
But it's also people on both ends.
Like, you're choosing to get upset about some really ridiculous shit.
You ever read a tweet and you go to that person's page and you go, I get it.
Person's page?
Once I read somebody's tweet and I go to their main page, I can put, I can add
up right in one minute, I go, I get it.
I get where he was coming from.
I understand why he said that.
He's a musician.
He's that.
He's a politician.
He sells this.
He likes, like, today somebody hit me.
And I ran, he's a Paul Reiser fan.
I get it.
You're a fucking mook.
You know what I'm saying?
I've never met a Paul Reiser fan.
So if you're a Paul Reiser fan, shoot yourself in the fucking mouth right now.
You know what I'm saying?
That's it.
Oh, my goodness.
Once somebody's, if I go to somebody's page and I see, like, music and I know
the music sucks, that's where it ends.
Because if his choice of music sucks, that's where, if I don't see fucking one
of my three on there, like, I remember going to people's, there's two things I
judge on people.
I don't judge people by money or nothing.
I judge people by their music collection.
If I look at your music collection and you don't have Sabbath Paranoid, if you
don't have the staples, Zeppelin II, those are the staples.
If you don't have Zeppelin II, why are we here?
I'm not smoking dope with you.
Why are you wasting my fucking time?
I'm over here.
You got, like, the best of Judy Grant.
You know what I'm saying?
That's, and number two, when you open up somebody's refrigerator.
There's certain, yeah, it's true.
You open, that te