Name: Joe Rogan Experience #693 - Tom Segura
Uploaded: 2015-09-08T05:43:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #693 - Tom Segura' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #693 - Tom Segura' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-08. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #693 - Tom Segura

Worst.
You know that Tommy Bunz is here when you start getting tweets that say,
my jeans are high and tight and I'm ready.
If anybody ever started calling each other mommies or saying jeans are high and
tight,
we'd have to drive to their fucking house and beat their ass.
You want to talk about a niche that you guys have carved out.
Jeans high and tight.
I know.
It feels silly even saying it sometimes.
Like when I say it, I'm like, this sounds so crazy.
But that's your show, though.
Your show is fucking silly as shit, man.
Your mom's house.
If you haven't heard it, it's hilarious.
It's an awesome podcast.
And now you guys have a real studio now.
Yeah, we finally moved out of our house and got a proper studio and a proper
office building.
With real professionals who are like, who the fuck are you guys?
It's just like what's happening to podcasts, man.
Slowly but surely, podcasts are being forced to be more and more professional.
Yeah, it's crazy, right?
It's so weird.
We walk out of our studio door in this really nice building.
There's an accountant to the right, a lawyer across from me, and a shrink to
the left.
And they're like, what do you guys do?
I'm like, just farts and stuff.
Do you ever scream?
Horn clips?
Do you guys scream?
Yeah, but here's the thing.
They also are like, what kind of front is this?
Because we're there a couple times a week for a couple hours.
We're never there.
So when they do see us, they're like, oh yeah, you guys.
Yeah, we scream sometimes, and we don't go check on people, but we assume that
they're like, we don't even want to know.
Well, do you swear?
Like when you scream, do you swear?
Like, you fucking bitch!
Like, you must, right?
Yeah, sometimes.
When I was on your show, you get crazy.
It gets crazy, yeah.
Yeah, sometimes it gets pretty loud, and it's certainly offensive to them.
I mean, for like those regular nine-to-fivers, there's no way they think that's
normal stuff.
Those poor bastards.
Yeah.
A lot of them are listening right now.
People in those kind of offices are listening.
Oh, yeah.
That shit is soul-sucking.
It is.
I talk about it sometimes.
Do you remember, did you ever do an office office job?
No, no, I never did an office office job.
I had job jobs, but never in an office.
You know, I had a lot of, I just knew, I just knew from the time, I was,
whatever it
is, ADD or whatever the fuck it is, I knew there was something wrong with my
brain.
Yeah.
I was like, there's no way, or something right with it, I knew there's no way I'm
ever going
to be able to sit in an office.
I just can't do it.
Yeah.
I mean, I think back to when I did it.
I did it for a while, different places, and I realize now, looking back on that,
how
depressed I was.
It's horrible.
It was really depressing.
And then, and sometimes now when I'm, don't feel like doing something like for,
for my
career now, like I'm bummed out to go do something, you know, like, uh, I don't
know, press or
morning radio.
Yeah.
Morning radio or something.
Morning TV.
Oh.
Way worse than morning radio.
Way worse.
That shit's way worse.
It's the worst.
But when I think of that, sometimes I'll remind myself like, oh, remember the,
the real job
that you had to do, you know, and you, and sitting in that cubicle and how it
really was
misery for me.
Yeah.
And I imagine it is for a lot of people still.
I did labor.
I did a lot of construction gigs.
My stepdad's an architect.
And so I got a lot of gigs on construction, so I call them gigs, jobs on
construction sites.
But the worst one I ever got was my buddy, Jimmy.
He got me a job.
We were building a Knights of Columbus Hall and we had to build a wheelchair
ramp for it.
That's what we were doing.
And it was just the entire time I was working for them.
I only think I lasted two weeks.
I was carrying cement and pressure treated lumber.
So I was getting splinters in my fingers from pressure treated lumber and
carrying bags of
cement.
And then at the end of the day, I would try to go work out.
I'd go to the gym and try to work out.
Collapse.
I was so tired.
And plus I wasn't hydrating correctly.
Of course.
And I, you know, I was an idiot back then.
I was eating like fucking pastrami sandwiches for lunch.
Like I wasn't eating healthy foods.
Hey, I do that all the time.
Well, I do too.
But I mean, when you're working all day, like you should be eating.
You're killing yourself.
Throughout the day.
If you're doing that kind of labor, you should, if you're doing that kind of
labor, the amount
of calories that you're burning by carrying lumber and sandbags, cement bags.
It's terrible.
It's exhausting.
I remember my first, first ever job was construction where it was, I was a
freshman in high school.
It was the summer after freshman year.
So I'm 14.
That's not even legal.
You're not even supposed to be working.
Well, here's the job.
My friend's dad bought really, really shitty apartment complex and was renovating
it to
make it like decent.
So he hired us because we were like slave labor, like free, basically.
He's giving us, you know, whatever the regular rate is, it's half of that, but
you're 14, 15.
So you're like, yeah, that's a shitload of money, right?
And we were in Florida in the summertime in apartments with no AC laying tile.
So you're on your hands and knees, you know, putting the grout, laying the tile
and just
the heat was, it was just cooking you.
It was an oven, you know, like a hundred percent humidity, 96 degrees outside
on your hands
and knees, sweat, just pools of sweat.
And then some like actual construction, like stop sweating.
You're like, I can't like, they would tell you to stop.
Yeah, because you're like, you're clean, like they're, you're, you're getting
the sweat
in the, in the grout and shit.
So then they'd come by, throw you a towel to clean up your sweat as you're
laying tile
on the ground.
Oh, I had a summer job where I was putting insulation in, in walls and attics
in the summer.
And so you're sweating like a pig in Massachusetts, it's hot and muggy.
You're sweating like a fucking pig and that shit gets in your skin.
Yeah.
Like literally the fibers from insulation would get in your skin.
Like you just, you, it gets in your clothes.
It gets your, your neck for some reason, like attracts it.
Like it'd be always be like in here.
Like just, you're breathing it in.
You wear those little stupid masks, but those things don't do jack shit.
No.
Those little, I mean, they might keep like large particles from getting sucked
right into
your trap, but they come in the sides.
Yeah.
You're breathing in air.
It's like, I bet if you could look at it on like some sort of an infrared scan
and see
the particles coming in and out, like you're taking that stuff in your lungs.
Imagine the guy that does that for 40 years.
Oh, it does to him.
You know, what's really freaky, man, people that work in coal mines, have you
ever watched,
they, they had a reality show for a while about coal mines, but I think they
probably realized,
Hey, we better fucking not have this because someone's going to die while we're
filming.
Yeah.
And then people are going to, you know, be mad at us for making the show, but
they do live
shorter lives, right?
They all have.
A hundred percent.
Yeah.
They get black lung.
Yeah.
They literally get black lung.
I mean, you are a hundred percent going to breathe in coal dust all day.
You're in a mine.
You're in a hole in the ground where they're digging and they're pulling out
coal.
I mean, that's, it's, it's fucking nutty, man.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's, it's, it's, it's really, it's really depressing to think about that.
That's, that that's what you're doing every day.
And then like West Virginia and all these like really, really poor places where
they have
these mines.
They get pissed when city people want to come in and shut down the mines.
Yeah.
Um, Sturgill Simpson, do you know who he is?
Country music star?
I know the name.
Brilliant, brilliant singer, but awesome, awesome dude too.
Is he from there?
He's a, yeah.
And, um, he has a song about it.
You know, he has a song about, um, King.
It's all, I think it's called King Cole.
It's a, it's so depressing, but it's part of it is like the people from the
cities come
in and they want to shut the mines down.
Like, and he was describing it to me.
He was like, you, you never seen poverty like this.
He's like, it's just like, these people don't have nothing.
Like in the song, he talks about just welfare and pills, but that's, you ever
see the wild
and wonderful whites of West Virginia?
Yes.
Holy Jesus.
It's unbelievable.
That's what it's like.
If so, if you've never seen this, it's so worth seeing.
Might be the greatest white people documentary of all time.
It is, it is, it's, it's, it's, it, it goes toe to toe with any, and like, and
for any white
person that like talks trash about like other races and like, well, you know,
we're just
different.
Watch the wonderful whites of West Virginia.
Yeah.
Anybody who thinks that white people are different than anybody else.
This is what people are.
Yeah.
What people are is extremely malleable thinking organisms that adapt to their
environment.
And when your environment is all criminals and pills and welfare and scams, you
just like,
I think you just grow up in that environment.
That's who you are.
That's who you are.
And it shows that you really are a product of that.
Fuck yeah.
That whole family is just, it's unbelievable how they're all, they really are
the same,
the same organism.
You know, it's all these different people.
They're from the same family in the same area.
And there is no like one that's got it together.
It's like, it's, oh yeah.
My favorite is the girl.
My name is Sue Bob.
Yes.
My name is Sue Bob.
Sue Bob.
I'm the sexy one.
I've always been a sexy one in the family.
There's a, they're, they're kind of like running through the beats at the
beginning.
I love that one of them is like talking about pills and she's like, I think she's
got like
Xanax and she was like, pick these up for like two bucks.
And she's like, I'm going to run over here and sell them for six.
It's a little boot scoot and boogie right there.
It's like her profit margin is four bucks.
And she's thrilled about it.
Yeah.
The one chick, the way she talks.
She literally talks like this, like you can't believe that she's a real person.
That's her right there.
Yeah.
You're doing a toned down version of it.
I've always been the sexiest one in the family.
See if you can find her voice, Jamie, because like when you hear her talk, you're
like,
get the fuck out of here.
That's not a real person.
Yeah.
I've always been the sexiest one in the family.
She's so gross.
But, you know, I used to have a buddy that when I lived in New York.
It's going to be her.
Yeah.
I got to hear this.
She's.
This is her.
Well, I used to be a stripper back then when I was 17, 18, 19 years old.
I made the boo-coos of money.
I'd bring home at least $15,000 to $2,000 a night.
And I've always been a sexist one in the family.
I've always had comments from thousands of people.
Oh, this is such a good documentary.
It's really great.
I had this buddy who was, when I lived in New York, who's racist.
And he's a good dude, but he would say shit about black people.
I always get really mad at him.
We always had disagreements about race.
And he would go, look.
He goes, it's not racist if it's everywhere you look.
He goes, if you see.
He goes, it's just being honest about what you're saying.
I said, no, because if you grew up in that environment, you would be them, you
dumb motherfucker.
Like, you think you're something special just because you grew up in, you know,
Westchester County.
Yeah, yeah.
In some nice white neighborhood, you know.
Like, all your problems, you attribute all your problems, because he had
problems.
But he would attribute all his problems to his family and his fucked up
upbringing.
I'm like, well, think about your problems and how mild your fucked up-edness
was compared to these people that liv