Name: Joe Rogan Experience #699 - Donald Cerrone
Uploaded: 2015-09-23T05:30:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #699 - Donald Cerrone' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #699 - Donald Cerrone' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-23. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #699 - Donald Cerrone

all right we're live we've been talking about doing this for a while we have we
have glad we
finally pulled it off it's about time what are you doing in town i um well i
came here and did
a little surfing off the off the plane um then i had to do a ufc thing where i
did a trained um
blake griffin this morning this afternoon oh okay i saw that picture yeah so uh
we were doing
mixing it up mma he's showing me some how to dunk over a car and i was teaching
him how to whip some
ass when you we see a guy like that that's like a giant athlete like that don't
you want to go man
you have a great radio voice i've never heard the rate i mean the radio voice
still your stand up
you're fucking man now you're like and now you're my conversation this is like
this is like it well
if we were at dinner i'd have the same voice okay gotcha all right okay you're
like and next on the
stage destiny coming to the main stage 14 kamikazes nice and smooth when you
see like a dude like that
do you want to tell him man with that fucking body you could be heavyweight
champion in the world i was
telling him i was like you're huge your grips like everything about you was
just massive but
you know when we were like um doing some under overs and some like wrestling
and i think he was kind of
like letting me like i felt like he was like limping arm i mean i was like you
pussy like fucking man
give me you know what i mean like don't don't fucking big brother me right now
like don't give me the
the oh i'm just a little kid so then once i fucking gave him that talk then he
stepped it up a little
bit i was like yeah don't don't do that to me motherfucker i'm a grown ass man
i'm fucking
six foot tall i'll fuck you up so
don't limp arm me right now so i had to tell him so yeah it's funny because you
are six foot tall but
when you look stand next to him you're like jesus fucking christ bro yeah how
tall is that dude he's
six ten jesus christ ten man yeah it was uh it was funny you know i was telling
him like how you're so
coordinated on the court and then you put some fucking gloves on and you you
can't what the what
the fuck like one one two like we were just going like come on it's a whole
different thing man and
then um he had his management come up to me and tell me he doesn't want to knee
or kick and so of
course we fucking need a kick because you can't tell me what you can't do does
he have fucked up knees
or something well who knows i have no idea but he no he just and and he didn't
want to be embarrassed
like when you do something that you're not good at right you want to do it in
front of people
especially cameras and you know so he uh no we did it a lot of those guys have
fucked up knees right
yeah a lot of our guys have fucked up knees yeah everybody has fucked up no biggie
it's huge that's
a giant dude yeah if you could teach that guy how to kick jesus christ fucking
need i mean the dude
could dunk over a car so like jump so i jump knee it was fun yeah i can only
imagine
i can only imagine but those guys there's so much more money in the nba and you
don't have to get
your ass kicked that's what i told him i said hey man i need you to go to the nba
um and tell him
you guys need enforcers like hockey i'll be the number i'll be your man you
know what i'm saying so
you tell me you go out there's a yo cowboy fucking number 23 keeps hitting me
in the ribs you know i
don't i don't like that i'll go out there i'll just ice the fool right there on
the middle of the
court it's it is weird that hockey is the only sport where you're allowed to
beat people up in the
middle of the game yeah my buddy scott parker i mean he is the enforcer for the
car as well he's
retired now but i mean that was his job so you know he would tell me he was
like mentally had to
prepare like him and i talk a lot about just the preparation of fighting and
how he'd get game
ready because he knew he was fighting whoever was the other enforcers so he'd
be ready and it's cool
like interacting with him in that sense but yeah they like promote it like oh
you're messing with my
goalie or oh you're so they send out the enforcer like it's just it's because
it's canadian what a cool job
it's a great job fuck like on your joe get get him in here get him you know
what i mean it's just funny
that no other sport make any other sport if you fight you're not just ejected
for the game you're
subject to penalties you might get suspended in hockey it's a normal thing yeah
i mean if you're if you if
for instance if blake just hauled off and jumped need someone's whole face off
in the middle of the game
that would be huge and then they'd be in big trouble do you think it's because
hockey like they're not
that stable because you're on skates like it takes a lot of fucking skate
knowledge to be able to brawl
while you're on skates i can barely fucking stand on skates i don't know how to
ice skate
no i'm terrible at it i uh i i did it about two years ago and thought i was
cool tried to do the
hockey stop fucking caught the edge bam out on the fucking ice that was that
was the end of my uh
my hockey dream so yeah i'm not a skater fighting yeah i have no idea so i
would imagine if you could
teach a dude like a dude who's like a figure skater teach him some like real
good kicks yeah you could
somebody up but you're not allowed to do that right you can't just like figure
skate wheel kick someone's
head off juggler done yeah no no um i don't think they can raise either knee or
anything they can't
bring any the skates off your feet down yeah what about superman punch wouldn't
be effective they
wouldn't even know that you were throwing a kick i mean unless you came at him
like thought like you
know thor in the movie troy just gets good and just fucking iced him you know
what i mean
so like a trick like a trick yeah i don't know yeah it would have to be
something no one expected
you have to yeah it is just weird that they don't have that in basketball if
like basketball becomes
less and less popular maybe maybe they would have to bring it in so what did
you know in hockey
the enforcers can't wear a face mask oh really they can only wear a helmet with
no with no guard it's
like a a penalty if they do that's interesting so that they can't take
punishment that makes sense
yeah i mean it's like if one guy had it on and one guy didn't exactly so they
both not have it but
still they just grab and just throttle punch through the plastic and that's
insane right
yeah it is kind of insane insane yeah it's it's it's a up job
that's a weird gray area sport but i think a lot of it is also because it's canadian
canada they're just them there's more men up there all right i'll give you that
you know what i'm
saying sure sure it's like there's there's a lot of pussies in america i mean
there's a lot of men
in america a lot of pussies there's a lot of pussies yeah and in canada i think
fist fights are
more a normal thing like think about if we were back pre-biblical and we're in
a like pre-biblical
right okay i'm gonna throw my head you're you're you're wrapping around this
right pre-biblical okay
and all these pussies you think how many women us alpha mills would have we
would just go and
like i think i'm gonna take your girl and just beat his ass and and the problem
with that is you
could never fucking sleep those days man like the the mongol days and shit like
uh well you never
sleep you know you would hear footsteps you're like oh great you look out your
window there's a
thousand dudes yeah i wish i would i just but those wish i would days the mongols
they're just shooting arrows no one has a gun they're launching people on catapults
those kind
of fights take a long time you know we got we don't have maybe they just barely
came with arrows swords
definitely but uh why did they figure out arrows like all those like the arrows
are on the hieroglyphs
right so that's like 2000 bc at least because i think the pyramid is 2500 bc i
think they dated that
so i think if you're talking about when was the invention of the fucking arrow
i should probably
know this i bow hunt i should know this but i have no idea i have no idea it's
a long ass time ago yeah
they figured out a few things first right they figured out like spears and then
they figured out
catapults probably that was probably next bows and arrows trebuchet right what
is that isn't that
a catapult like a trebuchet that's what it's called a trebuchet can you google
it trebuchet
trebuchet i'm saying it wrong trebuchet that was a quick google that's not bad
trebuchet that's the original catapult you're telling me i just scored
damn son look at you that's amazing yeah even it's even spelled the way you
pronounced it
it's perfect all loose lip like trebuchet with a mouth full of skull what do
you got there what is
that stuff uh copenhagen long cut wintergreen is that stuff dangerous for you
is that bad for you
probably not any more dangerous than marijuana i don't know marijuana is not
dangerous for you at
all how dare you sir i don't feel like that is either i don't but that stuff
doesn't that like
chew people's faces off and this is one dude who uh shows up at a little kid's
schools to
warn them of the dangers of chewing tobacco and is missing half his face
i remember that dude on tv he like had bone cancer in his face i don't mean to
freak you out
you're not freaking me out i'm going out with my boots on baby so uh wow so if
it's face cancer from
skull you're good if face cancer for school i'm gonna call up red bull and tell
him hey i'm gonna be
the first guy to jump out of the astronaut thing you got there i don't need to
shoot i'm just going in
head first so bring it on jesus christ all right that's my mentality though joey
like if i got in
a car accident and lost a leg or an arm i'd just i'd tell him pull the plug
right there shoot me i'm
done one leg oh man you'd be tough you'd be tough they got some good prosthetics
now a lot of these
guys that come back from iraq and afghanistan they do marathons now poor little
it's incredible
it's incredible though isn't it it really is man but god damn it'd be yeah you
would you would be
you were real close there's a couple they sequenced the gene of the flatworm
recently and they're
looking to try to figure out because the flatworms can regenerate like you cut
them in half they become
two completely different flatworms i think they also have the same memories
like if one flatworm knows
where the food is and you cut them in half the the both halves know where the
food is so it's very
confusing to them because they're trying to figure out like what is that
memories or is that just
you know like years of it's good question i think specifically the what they
know and the way they
know it they believe that it's a memory some type of a memory obviously a crude
memory but uh they think
that they're going to be able to figure out within the next hundred years how
to replace limbs that you're
going to be able to regenerate it the way a frog does or an alligator does
think about that in the next
hundred years think about what think about this iphone 6 here in the next i
mean it's nothing
yeah it's a joke do you remember the flip phone and then in the in the t9
texting you were so happy
with it too you know back then speaking of that do you know i mean you have
kids so do you remember
when you were 15 16 you had to call like hey mr rogan um is is is sarah there
can i talk nine o'clock
phone off you know what i mean those days are gone you yeah our kids will never
have to unless you
take their phone you have to take their phone but do you even have a landline
at home yeah i got a
landline but it's useless never use it okay so i mean most people are like that
right i mean you
have a landline just like in case but uh you know i have a landline because i
live in the middle of
nowhere and that's the only way i can get internet there's like a hamster runs
on a wheel and every
fast he's running it powers up