Name: Joe Rogan Experience #731 - Bert Kreischer
Uploaded: 2015-12-04T09:12:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #731 - Bert Kreischer' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #731 - Bert Kreischer' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-04. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #731 - Bert Kreischer

EEE-HAH!
BERT'S ALREADY GOT THE TOP OFF THE VODKA.
I'M ON A CLEANSE.
YOU'RE ON A CLEANSE.
YEAH, DUDE.
I'M DOWN.
YOU READY FOR THIS?
YES.
IT'S A VODKA CLEANSE?
WELL, VODKA'S CLEAR.
OH, IT'S GOOD FOR YOU?
YEAH.
NO, IT'S CLEAR.
ANYTHING CLEAR.
LIKE TEQUILA?
YEAH, TEQUILA'S ON THE CLEANSE.
SO IS METH.
METH IS PRETTY CLEAR, RIGHT?
NO.
GOOD METH.
AND THAT'S HARD TO COME BY THESE DAYS.
EVERCLEAR?
THAT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU, RIGHT?
THAT'S CLEAR.
ACID.
MOONSHINE?
THAT'S CLEAR.
THIS IS -- IT'S A DIFFERENT APPROACH TO A CLEANSE.
NO, I TALKED TO YOU THE OTHER DAY.
I WAS 255.6.
THIS IS THE MOST HILARIOUS CONVERSATION.
BERT CALLS.
HE GOES, I'M CLEANING UP MY LIFE.
THAT'S IT.
HE GOES, I'M TOO HEAVY.
I GO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
HE GOES, NO MORE APPETIZERS.
AND HE WAS SERIOUS.
I WASN'T JOKING AT ALL.
SERIOUS.
APPETIZERS WERE WHAT'S DOING YOU IN.
DUDE, I MAKE IT RAIN APPETIZERS.
WHEN I SIT DOWN, I'M LIKE, I GO, FIRST OF ALL, EVERY TIME, WHAT ARE YOUR TWO BEST
APPETIZERS?
AND THEY'RE LIKE, YEP.
I GO, WE WANT THOSE.
WHY NOT?
RIGHT?
OKAY.
A LITTLE TASTER.
RIGHT.
AND HERE'S WHERE I REALLY GOT -- HERE'S WHERE THE WEIGHT GAME REALLY CAME ON.
ANYONE THAT'S BEEN WORKING WITH ME KNOWS THIS.
I ORDER TWO MEALS.
I ORDER TWO MEALS BECAUSE I LIKE TO EAT LIKE A KING.
I'M NOT PAYING FOR IT.
BUT --
YOU'RE NOT PAYING FOR IT?
YOU'RE ASSUMING, LIKE, ALL YOUR MEALS -- THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU WORK, MAN.
YOU WORK SO MUCH, MOST OF YOUR MEALS ARE PAID FOR --
I HAVEN'T HAD -- I HAVEN'T PAID FOR A MEAL IN 11 MONTHS.
THAT'S SO CRAZY.
I'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD STRAIGHT FOR 11 FUCKING MONTHS.
DUDE, NOBODY I KNOW TRAVELS AS MUCH AS YOU -- OTHER THAN BORDEIN, MAYBE HE'S PRETTY
CLOSE.
HE TRAVELS A FUCKING DICKLOAD.
HE GOES TO, LIKE --
ALL OVER THE WORLD.
HE GOES TO HORRIBLE PLACES THAT ARE, LIKE, REALLY SCARY.
I THINK THAT'S THE REASON HE LEFT THE TRAVEL CHANNEL.
IS THAT THEY WOULDN'T LET HIM GO TO THOSE PLACES.
I DON'T KNOW.
NO, NO, NO.
I'M ALMOST PRETTY CERTAIN.
REALLY?
YEAH, BECAUSE CNN HAS A DIFFERENT SET OF INSURANCE.
AND TRAVEL CHANNEL'S INSURANCE DOESN'T COVER, LIKE, THEY'RE, LIKE, DANGEROUS,
SKETCHY PLACES.
KIDNAPPING-TYPE SHIT.
IT DOESN'T COVER IT.
LIKE, YOU HAVE TO GET PRETTY MUCH YOUR OWN INSURANCE, ALMOST.
HIS LAST EPISODE, HE WAS IN THE KONGO.
I HAVEN'T WATCHED IT YET, BUT I SAW THE KONGO AND I WAS WAY TOO HIGH TO WATCH
IT.
I WAS LIKE, NO, DON'T -- CAN'T DO IT.
NO.
I DID A MONTANA EPISODE WITH HIM A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.
YEAH, WE CAMPED OUT, TOO.
WE DID THE FULL MONTANA EXPERIENCE.
WE WENT Pheasant hunting, AND THEN WE CAMPED OUT.
HUNG OUT BY THE FIRE.
GOT LIT UP.
IT WAS FUN.
SO, WAIT.
DOES HE DRINK CAMPING?
OH, YEAH.
REALLY?
OH, DUDE, WE WENT HARD.
WE WENT HARD BOOZING, WEED, EVERYTHING.
WE WENT HARD.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN DOES NOT FUCK AROUND.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY INCREDIBLE?
THAT GUY'S ADDICTED TO JUJITSU.
YEAH.
IT'S LIKE 90% OF WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT.
HE JUST WANTED TO TALK ABOUT JUJITSU.
HE STARTED WHEN HE WAS, LIKE, 58 OR 57 YEARS OLD.
NOW HE'S 59.
AND HE JUST -- EVERYDAY HE TRAINS.
HE TRAINS WHEN HE'S ON THE ROAD.
HE GOES TO THESE PLACES LIKE BOZEMAN MONTANA.
AND HE FINDS, LIKE, A LOCAL GROUP OF GUYS.
AND HE GOES AND ROLLS WITH THESE GUYS.
HE'S A MAD MAN.
DIDN'T HIS WIFE GET HIM INTO IT?
YEAH.
HIS WIFE IS SUPER INTO IT.
SUPER INTO IT.
SHE'S CONSTANTLY TRAINING.
I THINK SHE TRAINS, LIKE, TWICE A DAY, EVERY DAY.
WOW.
YEAH.
THAT'S GOOD FOR HIM, MAN.
HE LOOKS GOOD.
HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THE WAY HE SHOULD LOOK.
HE'S ONE OF THE CANARIES IN THE MINE.
YEAH.
HE LOOKS A LOT BETTER THAN HE LOOKED JUST A FEW YEARS AGO.
IS HE STILL SMOKING CIGARETTS?
NO, NO.
HE STOPPED WHEN HIS DAUGHTER WAS BORN.
WOW.
EXCEPT FOR THE OCCASIONAL ONE.
HE'LL CHEAT, YOU KNOW, I THINK.
YEAH.
BUT I DON'T THINK HE DOES THAT ANYMORE.
NOW THAT HE'S DOING JUJITSU.
I'M SURE HE DOES.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WITH THE JUJITSU WORLD, WITH THE LIFESTYLE,
IS YOU GET -- THOSE BECOME YOUR NEW FRIENDS.
LIKE, THOSE BECOME LIKE -- AND IT BECOMES LIKE A JUJITSU FAMILY.
AND, LIKE, THEY UNDERSTAND YOU MORE THAN OTHER PEOPLE UNDERSTAND YOU
BECAUSE THEY'VE CHOKED YOU.
YOU KNOW, AND YOU'VE GONE TO BATTLE TOGETHER.
THERE IS AN INTIMACY WHEN SOMEONE CHOKES YOU OUT.
LIKE A BIZARRE, LIKE, I HELD YOU IN MY HAND.
YEAH.
I COULD HAVE LET GO OF YOU AND I DECIDED TO KEEP YOU.
YEAH.
DEFINITELY.
THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING THERE.
AND THEN IT ALSO, LIKE, MAKES REGULAR LIFE SEEM KIND OF BORING.
YOU KNOW, SO THEY JUST GET ENGULFED INTO THAT WORLD.
AND SOME PEOPLE, THEY WIND UP DOING THAT TO THE POINT OF THAT
BECOMES THEIR JOB.
THEY WIND UP TEACHING IT.
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE LEFT LUCRATIVE CAREERS
BECAUSE THEY DECIDED THEY WANT TO START TEACHING JUJITSU.
YOU KNOW, THEY JUST GOT INTO IT A LOT.
THEY WERE DOING IT.
THEY WERE DOING IT.
THEY WERE DOING IT.
THEY WERE DOING IT.
THEY WERE DOING IT.
THEY WERE DOING IT.
THEY WERE DOING IT.
THEY WERE DOING PRIVATE LESSONS.
AND THEN THEY JUST DOWNSIZED AND STARTED DOING JUJITSU.
THEY WERE LIKE, THIS IS SO MUCH MORE FUN THAN BEING SOME GUY TRYING TO CLIMB
THE CORPORATE LADDER.
IS THERE -- I KNOW THAT, LIKE, MOST MARTIAL ARTS, THERE'S A SPIRITUAL MESSAGE.
IS THERE ANY, LIKE, KIND OF SPIRITUAL GUIDELINES THROUGH JUJITSU?
WELL, THERE ARE IN DIFFERENT SCHOOLS, YOU KNOW, DEPENDING ON WHO'S TEACHING YOU
AND HOW THEY APPROACH IT, BUT THERE'S -- OVERALL IN THE ART OF JUJITSU, AND I CALL
IT AN ART
BECAUSE IT REALLY IS AN ART.
IT'S, LIKE, THERE'S -- IT'S TECHNIQUES AND IT'S A MARTIAL ART.
IT'S THE MOST -- MOST MARTIAL OR THE MOST ART OF MARTIAL ARTS, IN MY OPINION,
BECAUSE IT'S THE MOST OPEN TO CREATIVITY.
LIKE, GUYS LIKE EDDIE BRAVO IS THE BEST EXAMPLE OF THAT BECAUSE HE'S SUCH A CREATIVE
GUY.
HE'S INVENTED SO MANY MOVES AND SO MANY TRANSITIONS AND PATHWAYS AND NAMED THEM.
AND THEY'RE REALLY UNIQUE.
SO IF, LIKE, YOU ROLL WITH HIM, YOU LITERALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.
IF YOU ROLL WITH A STANDARD JUJITSU GUY, EVEN IF YOU'RE REALLY GOOD, LIKE,
IF YOU -- THERE'S CERTAIN GUYS LIKE A HICKS AND GRACY, FOR EXAMPLE, WHO DOES
THE BASICS,
ALL OF THE BASICS OF JUJITSU, BUT DOES THEM TO A LEVEL OF MASTERY THAT YOU CANNOT
COMPREHEND
UNTIL YOU TRAIN WITH HIM.
AND WHEN YOU TRAIN WITH HIM, YOU WILL JUST GO, ALL THAT OTHER STUFF IS NONSENSE.
YOU JUST NEED STRAIGHT JUJITSU, YOU KNOW, FROM THE MOTHERSHIP, FROM ALEO GRACY
AND CARLOS GRACY.
THAT'S ALL YOU NEED.
JUST RAZOR SHARP THAT SHIT.
HODGER GRACY IS LIKE THAT.
HENZO IS LIKE THAT.
THEY MOSTLY JUST DO THE BASICS, BUT TO A LEVEL OF MASTERY THAT'S INCOMPREHENSIBLE
TO THE AVERAGE PERSON.
BUT THEN THERE'S A BUNCH OF GUYS THAT ARE SUPER CREATIVE, LIKE JEFF GLOVER, THE
GUY THAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER DAY.
HE'S ONE OF THEM.
EDDIE BRAVO IS ONE OF THEM, OF COURSE.
AND THERE'S A BUNCH OF OTHER GUYS OUT THERE, TOO.
EDDIE CUMMINS, WHO'S A STUDENT OF THIS GUY, JOHN DONNAHER, WHO'S PROBABLY THE MOST
CREATIVE OF ALL THE TEACHERS, OR ONE OF THE MOST CREATIVE, NEXT TO EDDIE.
AND HE'S, LIKE, GOT THIS CRAZY LEG-LOCK GAME THAT THEY'RE ALL LEARNING.
SO THEY'RE ALL LEARNING THIS, LIKE, SUPER COMPLICATED LEG-LOCK GAME FROM THIS
GUY WHO WAS, LIKE, A PHILOSOPHY PH.D. MAJOR.
THAT'S WHAT HE WAS DOING.
HE WAS, LIKE, STUDYING PHILOSOPHY AND WORKING AS A BOUNCER.
AND HE GOT INTO JUJITSU BECAUSE HE WANTED TO LEARN HOW TO DEFEND HIMSELF BECAUSE
ALL THESE FIGHTS WOULD HAPPEN WHEN PEOPLE WERE DRUNK.
AND THEN HE JUST BECAME OBSESSED WITH JUJITSU.
AND NOW HE'S, LIKE, ONE OF THE MOST SOUGHT-AFTER JUJITSU COACHES IN THE WORLD.
LIKE, GEORGE ST. PIERRE USED TO USE HIM AND HE TEACHES AT HENZO GRACY'S ACADEMY
IN NEW YORK.
SO IT'S, LIKE, THERE'S, LIKE, THIS REAL UNDERGROUND, LIKE, IT'S NOT WHAT EVERYBODY
THINKS IT IS.
PEOPLE THINK OF IT AS BEING, LIKE, MEATHEADS AND, LIKE, THESE, LIKE, REALLY MUSCLED-UP
DUDES WITH TATTOOS ON THEIR NECKS.
IT'S NOT.
THERE'S A LOT OF THOSE GUYS IN THERE, TOO.
BUT WHAT IT REALLY IS IS THIS CRAZY PROBLEM-SOLVING GAME THAT'S GOING ON THAT
EVERYBODY'S PLAYING WITH THEIR BODY.
THIS IS GOING TO SOUND LIKE A REALLY SILLY QUESTION, BUT IF -- LIKE, IF YOU --
IF, SAY, EDDIE BRAVO --
SAY YOU PICKED A FIGHT WITH EDDIE BRAVO AND HE WAS FORCED TO KICK YOUR ASS.
WOULD THERE BE AT SOME POINT WHEN YOU WOKE UP THE NEXT DAY THAT YOU'D REMEMBER
SOMETHING HE DID TO YOU ARTISTICALLY
AND BE, LIKE, "DAM, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL."
WELL, YEAH.
IF WE SPAR, IF WE WOULD SPAR, EDDIE WOULD DO SHIT TO ME AND I WOULD GO, "HOW
DID YOU SET THAT UP?
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?"
AND, LIKE, HE'S ALWAYS TEACHING.
LIKE, HE DOESN'T HIDE ANYTHING FROM HIS STUDENTS.
HE'S ALWAYS TRYING TO GET THEM SO THAT THEY TAP HIM.
LIKE, HE GETS TAPPED BY STUDENTS, BUT HE CONSIDERS IT A GOOD THING.
IT'S LIKE, "I TAUGHT THIS GUY SO WELL THAT HE CAN GET ME."
YEAH.
BUT YOU NEED THAT IF YOU DON'T HAVE THAT.
IT'S LIKE, DON'T YOU AGREE THAT, AS STAND-UP COMEDIANS, WE NEED TO BE AROUND KILLERS?
LIKE, YOU NEED TO BE AROUND DIAZ, YOU NEED TO BE AROUND GUYS LIKE BURR.
LIKE, WHEN YOU'RE AROUND ALL THESE KILLERS, IT MAKES YOU UP YOUR GAME.
I TOLD YOU THAT THE DAY AFTER WE WERE ALL AT THE COMEDY STORE, AND YOU HAD THE
JOKE ABOUT BRUCE JENNER, THE GARGOYLE.
AND I WAS FUCKING HOWLING IN THE BACK.
AND I'M -- I DON'T KNOW IF I TOLD YOU THIS PART, BUT I WILL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.
AND THEN I WENT UP IN BETWEEN YOU AND BURR, AND BURR WENT UP AFTER ME AND JUST
SEAMLESSLY DESTROYED.
AND THEN YOU WENT UP AND JUST SEAMLESSLY DESTROYED AFTER HIM.
AND I GOT -- I WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING, I TOLD LEAN, I SAID, "I'M FUCKING BUMMED.
I'M NOT -- I'M NOT -- LIKE, I'M NOT WRITING THE WAY THESE GUYS ARE WRITING.
LIKE, I FEEL LIKE I'M -- I'M SLOW.
I'M NOT -- I -- I FEEL CLUMZY ON STAGE.
I FEEL LIKE -- I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD -- I -- AND THEN LEAN WAS LIKE, "HOLD ON, HOLD
ON.
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT JOE AND BILL, TWO OF THE BEST COMEDIANS IN THE WORLD."
SO DON'T HOLD YOURSELF TO THAT STANDARD, BUT USE THAT -- USE THAT INSPIRATION
BY WATCHING THE BEST
TO SAY TO YOURSELF, "WELL, FUCK, I CAN BE BETTER."
LIKE, THAT'S -- IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
YEAH, WELL, I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THAT.
YOU ALWAYS GOT TO FEEL LIKE YOU COULD BE BETTER, RIGHT?
I MEAN, I KIND OF ALWAYS DO.
ARE THOSE LOW-LEVEL CUNTS WHO COME OUT OF A CLUB AND THEY'RE LIKE, "BILL, JUST
LIT THAT ROOM ON FUCKING FIRE."
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT FIGHT YOU SAW, BUT I SAW YOU GET KIND OF
FUCKING UP AGAINST THE ROPES."
LIKE, THAT WAS -- NEW YORK WAS, WHEN I WAS THERE, WAS FILLED WITH THAT.
GUYS THAT WALK OUT, FUCKING DESTROY THAT SHIT.
IN THE BEGINNING, I THINK THAT'S LIKE A DEFENSE MECHANISM THAT GUYS PUT ON.
IF YOU TALK TO MOST COMICS, MOST COMICS ARE NOT HAPPY WITH THEIR ACT.
DO YOU THINK?
YEAH.
SERIOUSLY.
PEOPLE THAT ARE GOOD.
PEOPLE THAT ARE GOOD, YEAH.
THERE'S ALWAYS, LIKE, THESE MOMENTS WHERE YOU'RE LIKE, "Gah, I GOTTA FIX THIS.
I GOTTA TIGHTEN THAT UP."
IT'S THE GUYS THAT ARE, LIKE, SUPER CONFIDENT ABOUT, "OH, MY ACT'S PERFECT
RIGHT NOW.
YOUR ACT'S DOGSHIT."
YOU KNOW, THAT'S LIKE -- IT'S JUST A -- THERE'S, LIKE, A HIGH LEVEL OF SCRUTINY
THAT YOU HAVE
TO GIVE YOURSELF AND GIVE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S -- LIKE, THERE'S A LOT OF BITS THAT JUST DON'T EVER WORK.
THEY JUST -- YOU GOTTA -- EVENTUALLY GOTTA THROW THEM IN THE GARBAGE.
THEY JUST DON'T -- LIKE, YOU'RE LIKE, "GOD DAMN IT, THERE'S SOMETHING IN HERE."
AND YOU'D JUST HAMMER AT IT AND TRY TO TURN IT INTO A SWORD.
BUT, NOPE.
IT'S JUST A LADLE.
IT'S A LADLE.
IT'S GOING TO STAY A LADLE.
IT JUST NEVER WORKS.
IT'S JUST A STUPID THING THAT YOU VERY RARELY USE.
AND IT JUST, LIKE, MIGHT HAVE WORKED A COUPLE OF TIMES ON STAGE IN CERTAIN PLACES,
BUT IT'S JUST -- YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT THE TRANSITION.
AND THEN THERE'S OTHER BITS THAT YOU, LIKE, YOU PILFER.
YOU TAKE CHUNKS OF THEM AND YOU CREATE OTHER BITS WITH THEM,
AND IT TURNS OUT THAT THEY'RE A BETTER MINE THAN THEY ARE, LIKE, AN ENTITY.
THEY'RE BETTER FOR, LIKE, MINING IDEAS.
THAT'S HOW THAT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
WE HAVE A BIT AND YOU'RE INTO THE BIT.
BUT IT TURNS OUT THE BEST PART ABOUT IT IS, LIKE, A SIDE THING.
YOU KNOW?
LIKE A LITTLE SIDE PATH THAT YOU TAKE WHILE YOU'RE CREATING IT.
YEAH.
I LIKE IT MORE THAN I'VE EVER LIKED IT.
STAND UP.
MORE THAN EVER