Name: Joe Rogan Experience #732 - Whitney Cummings
Uploaded: 2015-12-09T05:03:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #732 - Whitney Cummings' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #732 - Whitney Cummings' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-09. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #732 - Whitney Cummings

IT'S GOING TO BE A LITTLE
HARD TO READ.
DO I LOOK CUTE?
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
REALLY?
YOU LOOK GREAT.
THANK YOU.
IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE.
GOT JOE TO THINK I'M PRETTY.
YOU'RE ALIVE.
HI.
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M GOOD.
I'M INSECURE.
I'M VERY INSECURE.
I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME.
YOU KNOW I LIKE YOU.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
I'M HIGH.
WHEN I'M HIGH, I'M HARD TO READ?
NO.
WHEN I'M SOBER, I'M EASY TO READ.
WHEN I'M HIGH.
WHEN I'M HIGH, I'M HARD TO READ?
NO.
WHEN I'M SOBER, I'M EASY TO READ.
WHEN I'M HIGH.
WHEN I'M HIGH.
OR AT LEAST YOU JUST LIKE PEOPLE
MORE.
I LIKE EVERYBODY.
HERE'S THE THING ABOUT YOU THAT
YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT WITH OUR
RELATIONSHIP.
WHEN I -- EASY.
WHEN I -- I KNOW YOU DID JUST
ARCH YOUR BACK THERE FOR A
SECOND.
WHEN I STARTED DOING STANDUP,
YOU WERE ABLE TO READ.
I WAS A BIG HERO AT THE COMEDY
STORE.
I CAME INTO THE COMEDY STORE WHEN
YOU AND CARLOS HAD YOUR BIG SAGA.
OH.
SO YOU HAD JUST LIKE YOUR EXODUS,
YOUR VERY CEREMONIOUS OR UNCEREMONIOUS,
RATHER, EXODUS WHEN THE COMEDY STORE WAS HAPPENING.
YOU WERE JUST LIKE THIS DEITY AT THE COMEDY STORE.
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW.
DO YOU WANT TO WEIGH IN ON THAT?
I WASN'T THERE.
YOU WERE THERE.
GOOD POINT.
I WASN'T THERE FOR THAT.
SO I NEVER REALLY KNEW YOU.
LIKE, I FEEL LIKE SO MANY OTHER COMEDIANS THAT I ADMIRE AND AT LEAST HAVE HAD SOME
FACETIME WITH AND YOU I ONLY SORT OF STARTED KNOWING IN THE LAST YEAR.
YEAH, WELL, WE MET MATT AT THE LAUGH FACTORY.
TRUE.
BUT I HAD SEEN YOU A BUNCH OF TIMES AND I LIKED YOU.
YOU HUSTLE.
YEAH, BUT WE HAD NEVER VIBED.
WE NEVER TALKED.
BUT WE HAVE SINCE THEN.
THAT'S TRUE, BUT I'M JUST SAYING.
SO HOW COULD YOU STILL BE INSECURATE?
BECAUSE I HAVE NINE YEARS OF YOU BEING THIS SORT OF VERY ELUSIVE, YOU KNOW, BIG
FOOT.
LIKE, I NEVER QUITE KNEW IF YOU REALLY EXISTED.
IT'S WEIRD WHEN PEOPLE HAVE PERCEPTIONS OF YOU OUTSIDE OF YOU AND YOU'RE LIKE
--
YEP, YEP, YEP.
IT'S WEIRD WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE AND YOU HAVE PERCEPTION OF THEM AND YOU'RE
LIKE, OH, I LIKE THEM.
YEAH, I DIDN'T THINK I DID.
YEAH, THAT HAPPENS.
I THINK A LOT OF IT IS IT BECOMES A WORSHOCK TEST, RIGHT?
IT BECOMES, LIKE, MY PROJECTIONS ON TO YOU AND MY INSECURITIES.
LIKE, IF I SEE YOU AND YOU DON'T GIVE ME WHAT I NEED TO FEEL SECURE, I'M LIKE,
HE HATES -- HE DOESN'T LIKE ME.
I HAD A FRIEND TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT A CELEBRITY THAT THEY MET.
AND THEY WERE LIKE, YEAH, I MET HIM AND I SAID HI TO HIM, BUT HE'S A FUCKING DICK.
YOU KNOW, HE DIDN'T EVEN TALK BACK TO ME.
I GO, OKAY.
YOU JUST SAID HI TO HIM?
YEAH.
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN HE'S A DICK?
IT'S LIKE YOU HAVE THIS IDEA OF WHAT SOMEONE IS, AND THEN BASED ON A LIMITED
INTERACTION, YOU CREATE A NARRATIVE.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW?
I KNOW THAT WHEN PEOPLE -- THIS IS GOING TO SOUND LIKE A FUCKING PERSON BLOVIATING
ABOUT PEOPLE THAT RECOGNIZE THEM.
AS LONG AS YOU GET TO USE THAT WORD.
BLOVIATING?
IT'S A GOOD WORD.
I'VE NEVER USED THAT IN MY LIFE.
IT'S A GOOD WORD BECAUSE IT DOES FIT.
SOMETIMES I RAMBLE AND I WANT YOU TO RAIN ME IN IF I START GETTING BORING.
YOU'RE NOT BORING.
OR BEING REDUNDANT.
STOP IT.
AND BLOVIATING.
BUT WHEN SOMEONE COMES UP TO ME, LIKE, AT THE AIRPORT AND IS LIKE, HI, WHITNEY,
LIKE, I INSTANTLY, SOMETIMES I HAVE TO SAY THAT I'M LIKE, I JUST FEEL LIKE I
CANNOT GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED RIGHT NOW.
LIKE, WHAT YOU NEED FROM ME, I CAN'T GIVE YOU.
RIGHT.
I CAN'T GIVE YOU.
LIKE, I CAN TAKE A PICTURE WITH YOU, BUT I CAN'T --
HAVE A CONVERSANCE WITH YOU ABOUT YOUR LIFE.
THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE GOING TO WALK AWAY FROM THIS EXCHANGE FEELING GOOD ABOUT
THIS.
RIGHT.
SHE WAS THIS.
SHE WAS THIS.
YOU KNOW, I GET VERY INSECURE THAT I CAN'T DELIVER WHAT SOMEONE NEEDS FROM A
PERSON THEY KNOW.
I HAD A CONVERSATION WITH A GUY WHERE -- I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS BECAUSE I DIDN'T
KNOW THIS GUY AT ALL.
AND IT WAS AFTER A SHOW.
YOU KNOW, I SAY HI TO PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE THING, TAKE PICTURES.
AND THEN HE GOES, HEY, MAN, I'M DATING THIS GIRL AND SHE'S ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO?
LIKE, WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I GO, I DON'T -- WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU?
HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE THE STAIRCASE?
NO.
WHAT'S THAT?
OR THE JINX.
THE STAIRCASE.
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE STAIRCASE, THE DOCUMENTARY?
IS THAT WHEN HE THROWS IT DOWN THE STAIRCASE?
WELL, NO.
TWO WOMEN ARE FOUND AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRCASE.
TWO?
IT'S WHAT PEOPLE THINK THE JINX IS.
IT WAS A SUNDAY ONCE CHANNEL DOCUMENTARY.
IT WAS LIKE 12-PART DOCUMENTARY SERIES.
IT'S PHENOMENAL.
I DON'T WANT TO GIVE AWAY TOO MUCH.
IF YOU GUYS HAVE SEEN IT, TWEET JOE WHAT YOUR THOUGHTS ARE ON IT.
AND LET'S ALL CONVINCE HIM TO DEDICATE 12 HOURS OF HIS LIFE.
I'M FASCINATED WHETHER YOU THINK HE'S GUILTY OR NOT.
USUALLY IT IS ALL -- WHETHER SOMEONE THINKS IT'S GUILTY OR NOT SAYS MORE ABOUT
THEM THAN IT DOES ABOUT THE CASE.
REALLY?
BECAUSE AGAIN WE PROJECT OUR OWN.
GOD DAMN, THOUGH, 12 PARTS?
THAT'S A LOT OF COMMITMENT.
I KNOW.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
I MADE THE MISTAKE OF ONLY DOWNLOADING ONE AT A TIME.
I WATCHED SIX IN MY FIRST SITTING.
IT'S THAT ADDICTIVE.
HALF HOUR OR HOUR?
HOUR.
I PROMISE YOU --
12 HOURS?
I PROMISE YOU.
I WILL BET YOU -- YOU HAVE A LOT MORE MONEY THAN ME.
SO MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T DO THIS.
I WILL BET YOU ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY THAT YOU'LL WATCH IT IN TWO DAYS.
DAMN.
THAT'S NOT -- THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
IT MADE ME WANT TO QUIT WRITING BECAUSE I WAS LIKE I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO WRITE
SOMETHING AS COMPELLING AS THIS TRUE LIFE THING.
WOW.
IT'S PHENOMENAL.
THE STAIRCASE.
WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST BE INSPIRED TO WRITE?
BECAUSE --
THE FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND YOU JUST REARED IT'S UGLY HEAD.
I'M A QUITTER AND YOU'RE NOT.
BUT YOU'RE NOT A QUITTER.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
THAT'S TRUE.
YOU'RE A HUSTLER.
I DON'T KNOW HOW -- YES.
PEOPLE SAY THAT A LOT.
YOU ARE.
I NEVER KNOW IF IT'S AN INSULT.
IT'S NOT AN INSULT AT ALL.
IN MY ESTIMATION OR THE WAY I'M DEFINING IT IS YOU'RE ALWAYS WORKING.
YOU'RE ALWAYS DOING THINGS.
MAYBE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN -- THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN ME AND YOU, I GREW UP
PLAYING SPORTS.
AND YOU LEARN -- I THINK A LOT OF COMEDIANS DON'T.
YOU LEARN THE HARDER YOU WORK THE BETTER YOU GET.
AND YOU GET THAT SORT OF MENTALITY THAT LIKE --
WHAT SPORT?
I PLAYED BASKETBALL REALLY SERIOUSLY.
OH, OKAY.
A LOT OF SPRINTING, A LOT OF RUNNING AROUND.
YEAH.
AND JUST LIKE --
THAT'S WHERE YOU GET THAT ASS.
YEAH.
THIS ASS IS PRETTY NEW, ACTUALLY.
I DIDN'T HAVE --
FOR REAL?
YOU DIDN'T KNOW ME SIX YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS ANOREXIC.
YOU WERE ANOREXIC SIX YEARS AGO?
I WAS PRETTY ANOREXIC, YEAH.
OH, SHIT.
YEAH.
I DON'T WANT TO CLINICALLY THROW THAT TERM AROUND, BUT I WAS LIKE -- I WAS LIKE
100 POUNDS.
WOW.
WHEN I WAS DOING THE SHOW WITH YOUR BUDDY CHRIS ON NBC, I WAS LIKE A ZERO.
YEAH.
AND I HAD A LOT OF EATING DISORDERS IN COLLEGE.
IS THAT BECAUSE --
WHICH IS WHY I HAD TO STOP PLAYING SPORTS.
WAS THAT -- REALLY?
YEAH.
EATING DISORDERS MADE YOU STOP PLAYING SPORTS?
I HAD TO CHOOSE.
SO I WAS REALLY SERIOUS BASKETBALL.
I PLAYED AAU.
I PLAYED IN EUROPE.
LIKE SUPER PSYCHO ABOUT IT.
AND THEN I STARTED MODELING JUST FOR MONEY.
NOT REALLY FANCY MODELING.
DON'T BELIEVE WIKIPEDIA.
AND I WAS SORT OF STARVING MYSELF FOR MODELING AND STARVING YOURSELF AND
PLAYING BASKETBALL
FOUR HOURS A DAY.
DON'T GO WELL TOGETHER.
SO I HAD TO SORT OF GIVE UP BASKETBALL.
WOW.
SO YOU WENT WITH THAT OVER FOOD?
YES.
HUH.
YES.
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
WAS IT MORE REWARDING?
MODELING WAS PAYING MY BILLS.
IT WAS -- THE WAY I WAS RAISED WAS, YOU KNOW, YOUR APPEARANCE WAS VERY VALUED.
MY MOM, I NOW REALIZED AS AN ADULT, IN RETROSPECT, HAD AN EATING DISORDER.
AND BEING THIN WAS VERY VALUED IN OUR HOME.
THE MESSAGES I HEARD WERE MY MOM, WHO WAS VERY, YOU KNOW, SKINNY, WAS I HAVE TO
LOSE FIVE POUNDS.
ANY TIME SOMEONE WOULD COMPLIMENT HER, SHE'D BE LIKE, NO, I'M SO FAT RIGHT NOW.
THAT'S HOW I WAS -- WE DON'T REALIZE, YOU KNOW, THE IMPACT THAT THOSE MESSAGES
HAVE ON KIDS.
SOMETHING WE JUST THINK IS A FLIPPANT COMMENT, I NEED TO LOSE FIVE POUNDS.
FOR ME, LIKE, I WAS LIKE, OH, SHE'S A SIZE ZERO, BUT SHE STILL NEEDS TO LOSE FIVE
POUNDS.
THAT'S WHAT WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE AND HOW THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO -- YOU
KNOW,
THAT DYSMORPHIA WAS INGRAINED IN ME VERY YOUNG.
AND THERE WAS A SORT OF CULTURE OF PERFECTIONISM WHERE I GREW UP IN MY HOUSEHOLD,
BECAUSE I HAD -- WAS NOT -- I WAS NEGLECTED QUITE A BIT.
AND IT'S A NATURAL SORT OF REACTION FOR KIDS TO HAVE PERFECTIONISM AS A RESULT
OF THAT.
SO -- REALLY?
YEAH, BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T --
CHILDREN CAN'T UNDERSTAND THAT THEIR PARENTS HAVE FLAWS
BECAUSE IT WOULD BE, YOU KNOW, JUST TOO TRAUMATIC TO THEIR PSYCHE.
SO WE THINK PARENTS ARE PERFECT.
IF I'M NOT GETTING ATTENTION, THAT MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.
SO I NEED TO WORK HARDER, BE PRETTIER, THINNER, MORE SUCCESSFUL, ACHIEVE MORE,
YOU KNOW, WHICH I THINK IS WHERE A LOT OF MY ACHIEVEMENTS --
AND YOU DID IT TO TRY TO GET YOUR PARENTS TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU?
I THINK AS A KID, THAT'S WHEN IT STARTED, IS IF I'M JUST PERFECT,
I'LL GET THIS ATTENTION FROM THESE PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T CAPABLE OF
GIVING IT TO ME.
AND THEN IT SORT OF STARTED MANIFESTING IN OTHER WAYS AS AN ADULT.
I THINK I HAD A VERY SIMILAR THING.
YEAH?
YEAH, I WAS DEFINITELY NEGLECTED AS A CHILD,
BUT I THINK THAT I SOUGHT IT OUT FROM OTHER PEOPLE,
NOT NECESSARILY FROM MY PARENTS.
YEAH.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT -- YOU KNOW, AND SIMILARLY, WHICH IS, I THINK,
WHY I HAD -- AND I'M IN AL-ANON, SO I'M IN RECOVERY FOR THIS,
BUT PEOPLE-PLEASING.
WHAT'S AL-ANON?
AL-ANON IS LIKE, IF YOU HAD ANY KIND OF ALCOHOLISM IN YOUR HOME GROWING UP,
WHICH IS NOT NECESSARILY LIKE -- I DID HAVE AN ALCOHOLIC PARENT,
AND I HAVE A DRUG ADDICT SIBLING, BUT ALCOHOLISM -- YOU KNOW,
FOR ALCOHOLISM TO BE PRESENT, ALCOHOL DOESN'T NECESSARILY NEED TO BE PRESENT,
SO IT CAN STILL BE SIGNIFIED BY COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR, WORKAHOLISM,
A CO-DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP, AN ADDICT RELATIONSHIP AMONG YOUR PARENTS,
GAMBLING, SEX, FOOD, ALL THAT SORT OF STUFF.
ANYTHING THAT'S ADDICTIVE.
ANYTHING THAT'S ADDICTIVE.
WHAT DOES AL-ANON STAND FOR?
AL-ANON IS -- THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD QUESTION.
I DO ACA, WHICH IS ADULT CHILD OF ALCOHOLICS.
JESUS CHRIST.
AL-ANON IS MORE FOR, LIKE, IF YOU'RE MARRIED TO AN ALCOHOLIC,
IF YOU HAVE A KID WHO'S AN ALCOHOLIC, LIKE, BECAUSE ADDICTION IS A FAMILY DISEASE,
AND IT AFFECTS EVERYBODY.
SO I --
HOW CONVENIENT.
I KNOW, ISN'T IT?
ADDICTS ARE SUCH A FUCKING PAIN IN THE ASS IN THAT REGARD.
IT'S A VERY SORT OF PERNICIOUS DISEASE BECAUSE --
ANOTHER GOOD WORD.
PERNICIOUS IS A GOOD ONE.
VERY NICE.
BECAUSE IT'S --
DAMM.
WE'RE LIVE.
I GOTTA PULL OUT ALL THE STOPS.
WE CAN'T FIX THIS IN POST.
IS THAT IT -- SOMETIMES ALCOHOLISM AFFECTS THE PEOPLE NOT DRINKING THE MOST.
SO I WASN'T DRINKING GROWING UP.
BUT I -- BECAUSE OF -- HERE'S ANOTHER ONE -- HOW INSIDIOUS ALCOHOLISM IS.
I WAS ACTING LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC.
I JUST WASN'T DRINKING.
SO I WAS, LIKE, ARROGANT AND DEVELOPED AN EGO.
LIKE, I'M THE ANGEL IN THE HOUSE.
EVERYONE ELSE IS AN ASSHOLE.
I'M AWESOME.
BUT I WAS STILL MANIPULATING, LYING, MANAGING, CONTROLLING.
YOU KNOW, AND CO-DEPENDENTS.
ALCOHOLICS ARE ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL.
CO-DEPENDENTS ARE ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL.
SO AS A RESULT, I'M DATING ALCOHOLICS.
I'M DATING GUYS WHO ARE ILITERATE, PEOPLE WHO NEED TO GET RESCUED, SAVED.
YOU DATED GUYS WHO ARE ILITERATE?
I DATED ONE GUY WHO --
YOU COULDN'T READ?
COULDN'T REALLY SPELL.
WHAT KIND OF TEXT MESSAGES DO YOU GUYS HAVE?
LOTS OF AUTO-CORRECTING.
YEAH.
HEY, ARE YOU A BASKETBALL LATER?
WHAT?
SO, YES, I DID GO THROUGH THAT.
I DATED A LOT OF LIKE ALCOHOLICS, NEEDY PEOPLE, TROUBLED PEOPLE.
I HAVE A FRIEND WHO WOULD ALWAYS DATE GIRLS THAT WERE REALLY, REALLY FUCKED UP.
BRIAN KALLEN.
YEAH.
THERE YOU GO.
HOW DID YOU KNOW?
TRUST ME.
HOW DID YOU KNOW?
YEAH.
#FIONAAPPLE.
THAT'S THE BEST ONE HE EVER DATED.
I KNOW.
BUT I DID THE SAME THING.
HE CALLS THEM VAMPIRES.
HE HAD SOME BAD ONES.
SO, IT'S RECREATING YOUR CHILDHOOD CIRCUMSTANCES.
SO, I WAS THE CARETAKER AS A CHILD.
RIGHT.
I WOULD PUT MY MOM TO BAD.
I WOULD COOK DINNER.
I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE FIXING THINGS AND TRYING TO STOP FIGHTS.
I WAS, YOU KNOW, MY MOM BASICALLY TOLD M