Name: Joe Rogan Experience #733 - Judah Friedlander
Uploaded: 2015-12-10T01:01:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #733 - Judah Friedlander' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #733 - Judah Friedlander' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-10. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #733 - Judah Friedlander

There's no levels, Judah Freelander.
We don't give a fuck about levels.
We're here to learn how to beat up anybody.
That's right.
You're not wearing a World Champ hat, dude.
Oh, yeah, a World Champ shirt.
It says it in sign language.
Oh, you crafty bastard.
Yeah, these are actually the severed, shrunken fists of my deceased opponents
melted onto my hat.
Now, is that a real weathered hat, or did you prematurely weather it?
No, this is, I've been wearing this hat for years.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
My mom keeps saying you should retire it.
No, no, no.
But I keep wearing it.
No, it's vintage now.
It's classy.
Yeah, yeah.
It's been through battles.
It's been through wars.
You know what you could do, though, for sure, is you could sell those, like the
ones that you've worn for, like, a long time, and people would gobble it up.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah.
Let's see.
You know how, like, those, do you know what a humiliatrix is?
No.
There's a lot of gals out there that make a living selling their old socks.
Uh-huh.
And they'll sell, like, various bodily fluids and excretions to dudes who have
a thing for that.
Yeah.
We had this girl, Sierra Lynch, on recently, and she educated us on this world.
But, uh...
So, it's like vintage shopping, but with a more personal touch to it.
I like how you put a spin on it, man.
Yeah.
That's beautiful.
I like it.
So, you wrote this book, which is How to Beat Up Anybody.
Yeah, that was five years ago that came out now.
It's an instructional karate book.
Nice.
Yeah.
It's the most important...
How much karate have you actually studied?
Uh, well, no.
This book is basically a spoof of people who think they're great at it but are
horrendous at it.
It's basically...
You know, I teach you how to beat up ninjas and Bigfoots, but it's kind of like
the worst martial arts instruction possible.
And it's like a 208-page photo joke book, basically, that one.
And then, yeah, this is a new book that just came out called If the Raindrops
United, which is a book of drawings and cartoons that I did.
Mostly single-panel cartoons.
And most of them are comedy, but I'd say probably 40% of the ones that are
comedy are kind of like dark satire on big issues, whether it's like...
Like honest tits, lying tits?
Yeah, that's a big issue.
That's a big issue out there.
Well, and it has to do with the nipples?
Like, you went Pinocchio?
Yeah, yeah.
It's basically a Pinocchio story told through nipples.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, that's definitely not one of the more social commentary ones in there.
But I do like that one.
That's a good one.
And I do like lying nipples, also.
Nothing wrong with them.
Yeah.
I like all nipples.
Me, too.
I'm a fan.
I don't discriminate.
Yeah, I've heard people say something like, oh, man, I don't like it when they
have small nipples or like really pale areolas.
Like, just be happy you get to see them.
Just be happy someone shows you their tits.
I think we can call that white privilege.
Let's call that white privilege.
Fuck yeah, let's call that exactly what it is.
But it's like, you know, whenever I hear people complaining about, like,
especially like, you know, it's like you're already getting laid.
What are you complaining about?
Exactly.
You know, it's like you can't complain about breasts.
I know this dude knew this dude who was in a wheelchair.
He used to play wheelchair.
He used to play pool.
And he was like, you play in tournaments and stuff.
He was like, he had all these physical problems.
He was like really unhealthy.
Was his wheelchair-ness due to health reasons?
Yes.
Okay, gotcha.
Yeah, so he was, you know, as a physical specimen, he was a mess.
But he was addicted to prostitutes.
And he would only go for ones that had really well taken care of feet.
Okay.
And he had this huge issue.
Like, if someone's feet were too big.
Uh-huh.
Or if their feet, like, he would, like, freak out about feet.
Like, he would get, like, almost angry.
Like, and you want to go, dude, you should be happy that anybody wants to just
hug you.
Yeah.
Like, if you could pay a couple hundred bucks and a girl will get naked with
you, like, whoa.
And that's a score.
That's also a story where you really got to, like, give respect to the people
that work in the sex industry.
Because I have a lot of respect for them because people, I think a lot of
people don't understand, you know, what a difficult job that is.
And think about, like, the woman who goes to him.
Yeah.
And, you know, she's being paid to please him.
And what does he smell like?
Yeah.
And then her foot's, like, an inch too long.
And he's mad.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, that's more of a hassle than being a barista at some coffee place or
something like that.
Way more.
Way more.
The sex worker thing is a real, it's a real issue with our puritanical culture
that we have this prejudice against people that have sex with people for money.
Yeah.
We don't have it with any other thing that we enjoy.
Yeah.
We don't have it with people that cook for people for money or people that give
massages for money or cut people's hair.
Do a bunch of things that people don't necessarily want to do.
I have more respect for the sex worker because if you think about it, we're a
capitalist society.
They're more capitalists than the rest of us.
You know, they're, well, in a sense, you know, they're using their body for, to
make money.
You know, what's wrong with them?
In a sense, they're athletes.
Exactly.
Well, they definitely are.
They definitely.
No, they are.
They are.
It's kind of weird that it's still illegal, though.
It really is weird.
I mean, at a certain point in time, it becomes stupid.
If it's the thing that everybody wants the most, if you, if you, across the
board, what do people desire more than anything?
At a certain time in their life, it's going to be sex.
Obviously, it's food and rest and shelter and, you know, everyone wants to have
a comfortable life and good friends and all that stuff.
But everyone who's sexually active, whose body works, it's functional.
Yeah.
They want sex.
Even people whose bodies aren't functional, they still want that.
Yeah.
And if you look at all advertising, for no matter what product it is, it's
usually sex is the subtext of what they're selling.
Yeah.
So, here's someone that's openly and honestly selling it, and then, yet, they
get discriminated against.
They get locked up.
Yeah.
They get locked up.
I mean, there's task forces designed to capture them.
Yeah.
You know, there's my friend, Brian Callen, I think he's told the story in the
podcast before, he was talking to some girl in front of a club in New York.
You know, Brian, he's a silly goose.
And some girls were, he's like, hey, girls, and they're like, hey, you want a
date?
He's like, a date?
Well, how much would that cost?
And she's, and, you know, and she said, you know, how much do you, how much
would you be willing to pay?
He goes, $10,000.
He got, he got pulled in for that.
They, they, like, literally.
Were these women cops?
Yes.
Oh, wow.
Yes.
Like, he said $10,000.
So, was this recently?
No, years ago.
Okay, because I was going to say, because, like,
street hookers, you don't really see in New York anymore.
But I remember, like, 20 years ago, you know, you know, just going into, like,
the corner deli, and girl comes up to me, and she's like, hi, you want a date?
And I was like, you know, the first time it happened to me, and I was like, I'm
like, I'm like, first of all, what's going on?
And then you realize pretty quickly, you know, the woman's a hooker, and I'm
like, no, that's okay, but thanks.
How hot was she?
She was pretty hot.
So, if you, if she wasn't a hooker, if she was just a person and thought you
were attractive?
Yeah, I'd probably talk to her, yeah.
But I'm like a germaphobe, so I, I, I, I, really?
Yeah, yeah.
So, like, how, what level, like, Howie Mandel level?
He's the black belt, he's the gold standard.
His is different than mine.
Mine's kind of different.
I don't know how his mentally works, but there's different kinds of OCD, and
mine goes through various phases.
Like, some people will be a neat freak because, or they might lock their door
five times because they're afraid they, oh, maybe I forgot to lock it, and then
someone's going to break in.
But there's another kind where, if you don't lock it, like, doing it, like, the
exact, you know, physical motions that you're supposed to, then something bad's
going to happen to you that day.
Like, you might get, you might get cancer if you don't lock the door properly.
So, that's why, so that's why you might lock it ten times.
It's like, it's like you'll get some kind of a hex or a jinx on you.
That's the kind of thing that I have sporadically off and on.
I've had it for years, you know.
Sporadically?
In various, yeah, sometimes it comes and goes, you know.
So, when does it go, when you're feeling great about life and everything's
going well?
Sometimes, sometimes you think, okay, something bad's got to happen now because
things are going well.
Oh, you think about it that way.
I was thinking the other way, that, like, when things are going well, you think,
well, I don't have to worry about the hex right now.
No, no, usually it's when I'm not busy.
Like, you know, because then your mind, because my mind is kind of always
racing, you know.
So, if you're just, if you're unable to just sit back and relax, then your mind,
it just keeps racing.
And then if it gets on a negative thought, it just, you know, spirals and spirals
and spirals.
That's so common amongst comics that we were just talking about that yesterday
with Whitney Cummings.
She has, like, a kind of a similar thing where she has to constantly be active,
constantly be doing things.
And I'm kind of the same way.
I'm always doing something.
Yeah, right, right.
Is that a comedian thing?
Like, what the hell is that?
Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, like, sometimes when I'm exhausted and stressed out, I will go out to
the comedy clubs and do two or three shows in one night.
And people will say, why are you doing that?
I'm like, because it's actually the most relaxing thing I do.
It's like being up on stage, for whatever reason, that's where I'm most
comfortable.
Well, and also, it's really fun.
Yeah, yeah.
And that's the thing people forget.
It's a hell of a lot of fun.
I got a chance to see Tig Notaro, Natasha Leggero, and Jim Jeffries last night.
What a fucking show.
That's awesome.
Tig Notaro is hilarious.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's the first time I've seen her live.
She's really fucking funny.
Where was the show?
At the improv.
Oh, cool.
Jim Jeffries was fucking hilarious.
Yeah, yeah.
And oh my God, Natasha Leggero killed.
Awesome.
Oh, she's got this Oprah bit.
I was screaming.
So funny, man.
It's so funny.
But it's like, to do stand-up, it's like, it's, you know, it requires
concentration and you have to work at it and all that good stuff.
But when it's, when you've got the bits and when you're actually like, you know,
in the, you know, you're in the zone and everything's going well, it's so fun.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You're seeing people have a great time.
It's the most fun thing I do.
So it's what I would most like to do.
Yeah.
So it totally makes sense.
I've never, like, canceled a show because I was tired.
Ever.
Ever.
And the other thing is, like, you know, I'll feel tired when I'm leaving my
house.
Like, oh, I've got to fucking fire up.
I've got to be showing an hour.
But once I get there.
Forget it.
When you're on stage, it's like.
Everything's firing up, man.
It's like.
And then when you're off, you want to go up again.
It's such a beautiful exchange, too, you know, and particularly I feel that way
about, like, Hollywood clubs because you're not really getting any money, you
know.
Well, same with New York.
I mean, in New York City, you don't.
Those are the two cities kind of probably in the world, you know, that where in
general when you're working in those two cities on a nightly basis where there's
multiple comics per show, you're basically.
You'