Name: Joe Rogan Experience #745 - Ari Shaffir
Uploaded: 2016-01-11T23:44:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #745 - Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #745 - Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-11. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #745 - Ari Shaffir

it's always hard to stop a conversation and then restart it in a natural way
after you smoke pot
at 10 o'clock in the morning on a monday it's just one of those things right
that's a lot of
bips yeah it's just too much going on yeah we can't be asked to start and stop
a conversation
that was pretty smooth it was just like hey we're going okay go yeah this is
the pauses are weird
man yeah like and start the show da da da da da it's weird where you got to
listen to a whole theme song
and then you're like gonna wait and then like how long does this go that was
the wrong way to do it
we made a few mistakes the big one was um oh is that me i haven't done that in
a long time i thought i
had this closed i swear to god i did how come the apple thing when you hit your
apple tv it makes
presses play on your fucking itunes on your computer does it yeah all the time
you're like
no stop that one just that one oh no i didn't know oh no it's in both so if you
have apple tv and the
computer open at the same time so if you're watching on tv and you're you have
a computer or if you have a quick time file on the desktop
it starts playing oh wow how annoying yeah i had to put blockers for the sensor
sometimes even when it's closed it still starts it up dude my fucking phone
started making my computer ring the other day
remember that yeah we were in here and my computer was ringing i was like what
kind of dog shit yeah i'm sure they're not watching us i'm sure they're not
watching us i'm sure they're not watching us yeah i'm sure it's totally not air
connected they already look at everything we do come on come on come on
they're fucking up we don't even notice it i know it's pretty much making your
computer ring
computer ring dude my phone made my computer ring they're connected in some way
some new update yeah some new update made my fucking my phone made my computer
ring like what
what are we doing here those updates change your life we are just giving into
the borg why don't we just
admit it yeah why don't we admit it yeah who's gonna be the first one to get
their legs cut off for
some new bionic legs that make you jump over buildings yeah like bro you're
gonna get to keep your cock and balls
legs chopped off for what you're just gonna have uh fake legs bro these legs
never get tired man are you tired of walking all the time you get your cock and
balls though right you keep your cock and balls bro that's the important part
you want to keep these stupid meat vehicles or do you want to get the cyber
2000 cyber 2000 two-legged system it's amazing man it doesn't even feel if you
totally feel like your own legs but they never get tired dude you wouldn't even
you would
Legs chopped off for what? You just can have fake legs, bro. These legs never
get tired, man.
Are you tired of walking all the time? You get your cock and balls though,
right? You keep your cock and balls, bro. That's the important part.
Do you want to keep these stupid meat vehicles or do you want to get the Cyber
2000? Cyber 2000, two-legged system. It's amazing, man.
It doesn't even feel, you totally feel like your own legs, but they never get
tired, dude.
You wouldn't even, you would only need head and cock. Yeah. You can replace
everything else.
I wonder, here's the question. If you could live with everything else being
fake. Yes.
Maybe fingertips. Maybe one hand.
One hand and cock and face. Here's the thing. If people are smart enough to
start manipulating bodies like that, do you think they're going to keep the
same shape that we have now?
Oh, why not just go around like the R2-D2 from the new Star Wars?
I don't think that's beneficial. I was thinking like, would there be a better
design than this bipedal hominid form that we use?
Yeah.
Like, would we get to a point where like aesthetically, like we started
changing things on people, you know?
Yeah, like have like chainsaw hands?
Well, I was thinking like minotaur bodies.
Oh, right.
Like, you know, how much of you wants to be a person? How many legs you want?
Run a lot faster on four legs.
What if it was the first guy to have four legs and everybody's like, whoa, and
for no reason doesn't make any sense.
But girls are like, that's hot.
You have to get lucky.
That's just some fucking freak DNA thing that pops in a female's head when they
see a man with four legs and they just can't help themselves.
Like, oh my God.
He's so hot.
He's like, I just did this to get faster, but this is nice.
He has two asses, you know?
Dude, if I got a minotaur, I would hire all like the viral companies and the PR
firms.
I'm like, get it out there where it's an attractive thing.
Make it part of the zeitgeist that everyone says, oh yeah, yeah, that's hot.
More legs, it's hotter.
Hire like Leonardo DiCaprio to say it.
That could totally be done.
Yeah.
You know, there's going to, you've seen some of the crazy things that people
are doing with their bodies these days.
Someone would definitely want something different.
One wheel, one wheel.
Dude, there's so many like weird body modifications today, right?
I was jealous when those shoes, remember the wheels came out of the bottom of
the shoes for kids?
But they never made it for adult sizes and I was pissed about that.
Of course I could make feet with wheels on it.
You should start a company.
Adults, adult.
You should license the product.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a good idea actually.
There'd be so much.
Yeah, why is it no fun to do it as an adult?
I don't understand the problem.
Getting to work, you get along straight away, you can't fucking.
You're not supposed to be enjoying yourself, Ari.
You're a grown up.
You're supposed to act a little more mature.
Stop it.
You're not supposed to be wheeling around the mall like an asshole.
What is that wheeling thing, man?
I would love it.
But you've got to stand on your back feet.
It seems like an awkward way to stand.
It's probably bad for old people.
They pop in.
Backwise.
You look back.
A lot of strain.
On that?
Back like that.
Did you see Tyson wiping out on that?
Yeah.
That hard.
Dude, those things.
The first time I got on one, I can do one now, but the first time I got on one,
it was
at the comedy store.
Yeah.
And this dude who's a comic.
What is his name?
Jamie, you know that dude's name?
You know what I'm talking about, right?
Sir Ben Kingsley?
I don't know.
Might have been.
I forgot his name.
Okay.
Nice guy.
Anyway, he has a white one.
He was tooling around the parking lot with Tate.
And I go, how hard is it to do?
And he goes, try it.
I got on it.
I couldn't imagine doing it.
I got on it and I was like, there's no way I'll ever get good at this.
This is fucking insane.
What is it?
Just two wheels and a base on top of it?
It's essentially, it's some form of a gyroscope.
Yeah.
And it's like those scooter things that they have at the mall.
What are those things called again?
Segways?
Segways.
Oh.
Those Segway things.
Have you ever ridden one of those?
No.
Really fun.
Kevin James had one on the set of that Zookeeper movie.
Yeah.
He actually had a couple of them.
And he would zing around the parking them.
Dude, they are fucking fun.
They're really cool.
But when they run out of batteries, you go flying.
Really?
Another stopper?
Another uprider?
Dude, the battery just breaks.
If the battery runs out of juice, you go down hard, son.
Because the only reason why it's keeping you up, but you're not doing that
yourself.
It's a gyroscope.
It's counterbalancing you as you move.
Yeah, it allows you to be way stable.
Oh, you can definitely fall.
You definitely can fall.
But it's really easy to ride.
I hope I'm saying gyroscope properly or explaining the physics behind it.
I have no idea what a gyroscope is, to be honest.
Self-balancing scooters, as they call them.
Yeah, would you say that it's run like a gyroscope?
Am I making things up?
I think that's what it uses.
What's a gyroscope?
The thing that you get at the Air and Space Museum?
You pull the string and it just spins forever?
The thing that's keeping balance of how steady something is and how upright it
is.
Can you pull up the definition of gyroscope, just so I don't feel like an idiot?
I just want to know if that's what it is.
Because I've always been saying that.
But now that I'm thinking while I'm saying it, am I right that that's a gyroscope?
I have no idea what a gyroscope is.
Whatever it is, whatever this technology they've invented for segways.
Yeah, that's that thing.
You pull the string and it stays spinning forever?
Yeah.
The orientation of the axis is unaffected by tilting or rotation of the
mounting.
Okay, so that does make sense.
They're also in drones to keep them upright.
Oh, really?
They also use GPS to help them keep upright, too.
Good Lord.
So that drone almost smashed that skier?
Yeah, we've watched it.
What the fuck, man?
Do you know about that guy who died in the Segway?
A guy died?
He went off a cliff.
Oh, one of the guys that owned the company.
Yeah, the inventor of it.
Died on a Segway going off a cliff.
When he went to patent that thing, my friend worked at the patent office when
he came in.
He didn't submit any blueprints.
He just brought one in and had everybody ride it.
First of all, why is he near a cliff?
Why is he near a cliff?
Why did he do that?
He's off-road Segway.
If you just stayed on the road.
Oh, he went off the cliff in an off-road Segway?
Oh, what a terrible idea.
Do they have that?
I don't know, but if they do, that's a terrible idea.
Off-road Segway.
Because unless those things are way improved, I would think that the batteries,
if you're hitting rocks and shit.
Yeah, giant tires.
The idea of running over a rock and hitting your electrical system, me, as
someone with zero knowledge of even how electricity works, I'm just going to
comment on this, Ari.
I don't even know what the fuck electricity is.
I know you can't stick a fork in the hole or you die.
That's what I know.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
People are like, you can live if you hold on to the telephone wire because your
feet don't connect.
They're like, shut up.
You don't know any of that.
What is this, dude?
What are you showing me?
It's a TV shredder.
It looks like a four-wheel Segway.
Yeah, an off-road Segway.
Oh, my God.
Is this real?
Yeah, it looks like it.
Look, he's wearing a whole gas mask.
This looks like Halo.
Yeah.
This is like a fucking, oh, my God.
He's wearing a business suit.
This is insane.
It's got tires like a tank.
It's got tank tires and a Segway.
That is so crazy looking.
Is that dude in a suit?
Is there a video?
You've got to show me a video of this.
And he'd go side saddle like skateboards?
Yeah, I guess, right?
That guy in that position is.
That seems weird.
That seems like a weird way to stand.
Maybe it's just that one picture.
Look at this fucking thing.
It's a little mini tank that is badass.
Wow.
Like, fucking, why not, right?
Oh, he's going off the wall.
No way.
Is he...
Oh, I thought he was going to jump.
That's the dumbest fucking thing.
It was just a seesaw.
It's another seesaw.
So why is he going on the seesaw?
Why is he doing this?
It's one of the dumbest tricks.
Well, why...
Oh, that's pretty cool.
Well, I guess it's to show that he can go over obstacles.
Oh, whoa.
Oh, no way.
He can go over these logs.
Oh, my God.
Like, nothing.
Hell, yes.
Oh, this thing is actually really badass.
Dude, podcast over.
Let's go get one of those.
This thing is insane.
Oh.
Wow.
Okay, but you can hop off easy.
Dude, this is crazy.
What is it called?
This is a DTV shredder.
Oh, that one looks so good.
Here's the thing.
It's not even that heavy.
Like, when he falls down, you see when he just fell down?
Look, he just picks it up and moves it.
Like, it's not that big a deal.
It's right back on.
Yeah, look.
It's not like a motorcycle.
That's why they're showing it fucking up.
What are we doing, a fucking commercial for this?
It seems like we're doing a commercial for this.
I never even heard of this until seconds ago, I swear.
This is bullshit.
I see