Name: Joe Rogan Experience #747 - Tony Hinchcliffe
Uploaded: 2016-01-14T03:24:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #747 - Tony Hinchcliffe' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #747 - Tony Hinchcliffe' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-14. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #747 - Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh
Fuck yeah, here we go
Tony Hinchcliffe is in the house Brian Redman is in the house
And we've been talking about turning your come off with a light switch. How's
that work?
It's like a little switch that's in your inner leg or something like that
And if you want to make a baby it turns on your cum or your sperm
So it's like a sperm switch, but they made it look like a light switch instead
of having it
You know like some weird button put it up on the screen again, please
It's it's um, so it's in between your legs. Like what if you're jogging does it
just go on and off and on and off?
Yeah, oh my god. It is a light switch. Come on. This isn't real
How dare you why am I seeing that guy's dick?
Huge why is he semi big he semi
Okay, look at this
Alright, so what they're showing us is can we hear this?
Is it okay we hear it?
It's like Andy Richter
Hold on hold on. I love this guy's accent. Please start him from the beginning
because it makes it even better
He speaks in a slightly broken English
Andy Richter and his brother
The human male's testicles produce millions of sperm cells every day
These cells flow through the spermatic ducts and then combine with seminal flutes
Look at this texture of the ball skin
I feel like thomas edison would be so disappointed if he saw what his
technology was being used for now
Thomas Edison invented dick switches. Well like switches
I guess
Did he?
Power on and off
It's why is it more humorous because this gentleman has an accent
Why would they spend so much time making the texture of the balls in the dick
that realistic like because they want you to know they're not playing games
So this isn't saying you can feel the switch and you can flip it back and forth
that is so fucking crazy and what are the odds that a girl who wants a baby is
not going to reach back and click that switch right while you were while she's
rubbing your balls
And wouldn't they're just a perfect time to hit the switch if you really wanted
to make a baby like you let them release the hounds
And whenever there be it comes still in the tube, you know, like the end of the
tube like hmm good question
Yeah, I think that is a that's an issue, right? Doesn't it like stay inside
your dick hole?
Yeah, like doesn't all come out one blast and sometimes it can come out in the
next blast
Yeah, but what do I know that's fake that's craziness
I mean, I don't understand if you got an operation to get all that stuff put in
just get a vasectomy make a
Decision stand by it. Yeah, it seems like in America
This this these type of things are becoming more and more attractive to us like
an instant
Solution to like anything that we got going wrong. Oh, we're gonna come up with
new retinas and these retinas
They're artificial retinas. So you put them in your eyes. Do you can see 2200
like or 20?
What is what's that's not good like 2200 would be terrible. Yeah, 24. Yeah
2020 is like normal, right? Right 40 20. No, that's worse too, right?
No, that's isn't that better. That's twice. I don't think it is. I'm not sure I
Don't think I think it's always been like low numbers are really good like
pilots would say of 2015 vision
See an eagle attacking a salmon from a mile away, you know, like people are
always like super proud of their vision. I have really good vision
like whoa
Amazing you see clearly so lower would be better like for 20 would be the best
for 20
No, it's too high on one side. I
Don't know what's perfect on one side, right? 20 is 20 2020 right. What the
fuck does it even stand for? Maybe we should know that
It's what you see at 20 feet. Mm-hmm
The first 20 is what normal person sees at 20 feet and then what you see at 20
feet
So you see if you have 2200 do you see what a normal person sees at 200 feet at
20 feet because your vision sucks
Okay, that makes sense
That actually totally makes sense. What a drag. Yeah
Yeah, do you have good perfect vision Tony? My vision is
Unbelievable. I can I can read anything from like it's like insane. That's cool.
It's a lot of fun
Have you always had that? Yeah, you should probably be really good at like
something like darts or something like that
Maybe yeah, I got something like I would think that something along those lines
where you it'd be like super precise
Like when you're throwing the you're like I don't play darts
But I would imagine that it's probably pretty fun with all that pressure to get
a bullseye
It seems kind of silly. He's throwing a metal stick at a thing, but those dudes
seem to be having a good time
I'm a hell of a shot. I was a natural
With a dartboard with with an actual gun with like oh, really? Yeah 22
I shot like discus one time. Is that what it is?
What do they call that? Pigeons? Pigeons clay pigeons and I was like
13 or 14 and I was clipping them and I remember this group of old guys
Standing behind my mom's boyfriend that took me just like holy shit. I'm
terrible with the shotgun. I
Did Burt Kreischer show we had one of those clay shoot off things I hit like
one
How do you get good at a shotgun now you just practice you just you have to
understand how you're orientating the
Sight on it. It's a little more tricky than I like a hunting rifle where the
site is magnified
With a shotgun for the most part unless it has a scope on it most of the times
They don't you're you're using the barrel of the gun to line up where the
bullets are gonna go
But any variation up or down by the slightest amount
Results in a big deviation of the intended path of the weapon
So like if you're trying to shoot straight and your your thing is just it looks
kind of at him
But not really it'll go over his head
So you have to line up this little thing in the front which is like a little
tiny like a nub
I get you and then the thing in the back the thing in the back is the the you
and you're looking you're trying to line the two of them up
So there's like this little V and you're trying to put this pin in between the
little V and hold it there as you squeeze the trigger and don't flinch
So it's there's a lot involved in it in takes practice
But once you get it's like anything else like archery or bowling, you know
Once you understand the technique behind it, then it's just a matter of
drilling it over and over again
Like you ever see a really good bowler like Ari's friend Tommy
What is that guy's name Tommy dear Mattolo? What the fuck is it? He gave me a
he gave me a
Alright, you'll find it right right. You don't know he gave me a really good
dude. Whoever that guy Hallerino, right? No
Jamie will figure it out
Let him figure it out. We'll we'll we'll talk but um if he taught you how to
bowl
Like if you watch him bowl like those guys they throw like that curve ball
where it comes spinning
And it smashes into everything like kind of an angle and they can do it
consistently
over and over and over and over and over again and to the point where they'll
Bowl like pretty close to perfect games a lot where they'll get like real close
to like making eight nine strikes in a row and you're like what the
Fuck when a guy like you or I I don't know how you ball. I bullet shit. I just
shit
It's just one of the whole that fucking thing. I hate tell me dilutes tell me
dilutes great guy by the way super fucking nice guy
He's hung out with us a couple of times and he's a pro bowler
So if that guy taught you how to bowl like he could teach you the technique
then it would just be a matter of you
Wanting to keep working at it
Whether it's whether it's archery or that's darts or anything, man
It's just a matter of someone showing you how to do it you figure out what's
best for you and then numbers
That's what that's why people don't like to get good at shit the numbers
involved. They're nuts
If you want to be a professional golfer, do you know what kind of numbers you
have to put in good Lord?
Yeah, all the practice and all the fucking knocking and then like man, this isn't
gonna work out and okay
If you say it's not gonna work out, but I guess it's not gonna work out because
it fucking worked out for Tiger Woods
Fucking worked out for Jack Nicklaus. How come it fucking worked out for them?
Because they got nutty because someone taught them the the technique they
started to compete and then they got nutty. Yeah
You just got to decide whether or not you want to get nutty and get nutty is
not the best idea in the world either
Yeah, a lot of those guys wind up fucking hitting the rocks. They never stop at
the beach. Just fucking keep that cast going
It's like stand-up
In a lot of ways. Yeah, I think it's like everything
Everything that represents you, you know, you focus on it and the more you
focus on it the better it gets at it
And if you don't focus on it, it doesn't get better
And if you do it does and it's a matter of how much do you want to focus on it
where you can enjoy the rest of your life
What what percentage of your life does it become it always amazes me that
people to get like so great at video games?
Yeah, you know
Do you never did you ever meet Robert the dude who was the old manager at the
Comedy Store?
What was his job there?
Do you remember he was like talent was he booking talent?
I don't know if he was doing that for a while. Maybe he was doing that for a
while
Anyway, really good magic. I write magic the gathering. He was addicted to that.
He was addicted to EverQuest
I believe the first maybe it was magic the guy magic the gathering is a card
game though, isn't it? It's also a video game. It's video game, too
I'm pretty sure he was an EverQuest junkie bad
man like bad and he would come to the Comedy Store and he'd be depressed like
he would get out of his house when he could and
When he could he would come out and hang out with us in the real world
I'll never forget this we were in the back bar
and it was just me and him and
You know so you know the back bar here. Well, just we a lot of times comedians
gather there and talk and he just goes
It's just so weird that I could be so good at making money in my online life
and so bad at it in my real life
He goes I'm so good at being successful in this
Artificial life, but I can't get it together in my real life and he was tired
and he looked pale and I'm like
This is a great guy. It's like a really nice guy. I'm like fuck man
Like this game is like a vampire he was making money on it
No, you make money in the game like you make like gold coins. You can buy magic.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so that works
Am I saying that right? Yeah, sure. Yeah, you level up the more you play so he
was like king of them kings
You know he had like a crazy player and everything like king of cake
Well when you get really good right in EverQuest like the higher you get the
more you can fuck people up
You can do whatever you want, right?
You just become like invincible you can become a god if you're on that shit 24
hours a day for 10 years no one would fuck with you
They just can't fuck with you. Isn't that how World of Warcraft is?
They're encouraging addiction. It's so obvious. It's so obvious. They're they're
they're it's very clever, but this is a money vampire
Oh, yeah, they figured out a really entertaining money vampire. Yeah, sucks it
out of you
South Park did one on it and it's just like unbelievably hilarious
You know what's interesting the concept that you can get
Better at it the more time you put in it because you get more stuff like that's
a really weird concept
Because that's not how it is in any other game and now the other in any other
game
What's cool about playing Quake, right? I hate to harp on Quake all the time,
but I used to love playing it
Was that you both start out like you guys were gonna have a deathmatch
You'd both start out with a hundred and fifty life points the same amount of
access to weapons
You know you have like a little pistol like you have a little blaster and then
you run around the map to try to find
Where the other weapons are and so you have to know the map you have to know
where the weapons are and w