Name: Best of Brendan Schaub - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume 1
Uploaded: 2016-03-10T10:31:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Best of Brendan Schaub - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume 1' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Best of Brendan Schaub - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume 1' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-10. Transcript available.

Best of Brendan Schaub - Joe Rogan Experience - Volume 1

The Joe Rogan Experience
Describe Brendan Schaub. Oh, the lips. He's got these big lips.
I describe him as Big Brown. That's his nickname.
Yeah, me and him got on it on Twitter.
I'm trying to get his nickname changed from hybrid to Big Brown.
Dude, this guy starts with Big Brown.
Why Big Brown?
He's Big Brown. He's just big and brown.
That's why everybody calls him Big Brown now.
It's weird when you see someone come home.
Your stepdad got sucker punched.
He's got a black eye.
I'm like, what?
Huh?
Erf.
If I was Brendan Schaub, I'd be like, for sure, keep your hands up next time.
For sure, don't let them get that close to you.
Bro, I saw my dad get in a fight when I was 12.
I'm not making this up.
Whatever, fucking cars, right?
My dad pulls in front of him.
He pulls in front of my dad.
He gets out.
My dad goes, you want to fucking go?
My dad's like this.
Oh, no, like an old school Irish boxer.
Oh, no.
I remember being like 10 or 11, being like, ah, fuck, man.
See, the problem with that is Nick Diaz can actually fight like that.
Oh, my dad beat the brakes off this dude, son.
Yeah, he was about to throw him off the side of the highway in a leather jacket.
Oh, no.
Yeah, did not fuck around.
When a guy stands out like that, starts doing the old school boxing, one of two
things can happen.
He's trying to scare you off, or he's so good with his hands, he just kind of
rolls at you like, what's up, dude?
You want some?
Yeah, man.
Yeah.
What you gonna do now?
It was weird, man.
You're in a bad situation.
I'll tell you what.
For reals, man.
I remember my dad getting out of the car, I'm like, god damn it.
And then my brother gets out, kicks a guy in the balls from behind.
My brother's probably 12 at the time.
Jesus Christ.
Your brother kicked a grown man in the balls?
Grown man in the balls.
That's when it gets really dangerous, because the kid gets involved, and then
the father becomes like super violent.
You know what Little Brown was doing?
What was Little Brown?
Crying in the backseat.
How old were you?
Probably like 10 or 11, crying in the backseat.
Ugh, I can't be trusted if shit goes down.
Oh, man.
Crying.
Because you got to remember, my daycare was Shane Carlin on top of me.
I wasn't getting a lot of takedowns.
I was on my back all the time.
That's a crazy way to start your training in MMA.
It was horrible.
Horrible, man.
So crazy.
What is it like a grudge?
Every day he just beat me up nonstop.
That Trevor Whitman seems like a crazy dude, man.
He's a good dude.
Seems like a very good dude.
Good guy.
I haven't been there in years.
But a maniac.
He had Shane Carlin.
They wanted to have Shane Carlin spar with GSP.
And GSP was like, what?
Yeah.
Why would I spar him?
Like, what are you talking about?
And I think back.
Like, Trevor's a genius when he comes to striking stuff like that.
But I think back on it.
And there was this thing where I felt like I had to prove to everyone I could
hang with Shane Carlin.
And no matter when we were sparring, that's how my footwork got so good.
Because I'm used to this giant water buffalo, mad water buffalo, chasing me
around the octagon.
So I was trying to get out of the way.
Because if he landed right hand, it was a short.
I mean, it was not good, man.
It was trouble.
He hit so hard.
He's got to.
So I got used to that, right?
And I'm moving nonstop.
And then when the bell would go ding, ding with 30 seconds left, literally no
matter what we were doing, me and Shane would stop, walk to the middle of the
cage, and just rock them, sock them robots.
Goddamn.
And then finally, a part of me was like, uh, how about no?
And I shot a double leg on him.
And we've never done that again.
Yeah.
He got super tired.
But I think back on my training, I'm like, God, that was stupid.
Even taking him down.
I mean, he's so strong.
He's a big guy.
He's a big fucking guy, man.
A lot stronger than you, and you're strong.
Shane is 100% stronger than me.
Not even close.
He's ridiculously strong.
His bone structure is immense.
His bone structure is just, he's bigger than Lesnar.
His legs are thick, thick ass, huge shoulders.
His hands, man.
His hands.
Before they redid the UFC glove to fit over his hands, Shane's the reason why
they changed the glove.
Shane had a 5XL glove.
They had to cut the glove just to get over his hand.
His hands are so ridiculous.
Yeah, when you shake them, it's like holding onto a ham.
So what was frustrating to me is, you know, I've always been in love with jiu-jitsu.
I would spend, Shane would get injured or he'd have to work at a regular job,
and I was just training full time.
And I would think I was being so good at jiu-jitsu.
And Shane would come in off a 9-to-5, you know, shift, walk in, like, jiu-jitsu,
huh?
Let's do it.
And I'm like, I'm going to roll this big dude up.
And you just shut it all down, man.
When I was training at a mall, he came by and trained one day, and I didn't get
to roll with him.
But I watched people roll with him, and it was like a child playing with his
daddy.
A bear with a dog.
It was like the daddy was just, like, rolling him over.
And I go with big guys all the time, but none like Shane, man.
Well, he doesn't even look real.
When he walked in the door, if I didn't know him, I was like, what's up, Shane?
But if I didn't know him, I would be like, look at this motherfucker.
Look at this guy.
He's got legs growing out of his shoulders.
This is how it happened.
I was like, oh, I want to be a fighter.
I knew Nate Markhart.
I looked him up online, found out where his academy was in Aurora in my
hometown.
I show up there.
Nate's a great guy, right?
He's like, yeah, man, we can do this.
We'll figure it out.
Come tomorrow.
There's another big guy.
He only has, like, one fight.
He just started fighting, and he played football, too.
I'm like, oh, cool.
I show up.
It's sparring, right?
I show up, and in walks Shane Carlin at the time is 315 pounds, fighting the WC.
Just jacked.
Looked like a silverback gorilla that just found the weight room and does
nothing else.
I remember when he was really that big.
There's a picture of him that doesn't even look real.
It's insane, and Nate goes, oh, hey, here's the guy I wanted to introduce you
to, and since
then, me and Shane sparred, and we just stood toe-to-toe, and neither one of us
knew what
we were doing, blasting each other in the face.
So you've rolled with guys.
I mean, you had the biggest and the baddest as a training partner forever.
The best, man.
He was like an older brother.
I couldn't afford private training with Trevor Whitman, and Shane believed in
me so much,
he paid for my training with Trevor for years.
A guy like Shane, having a guy like you around is invaluable, you know?
Yeah.
I'm trying to find a giant picture of him back when he was enormous.
Me and him, he only had, I think, one or two fights at the time, I had zero.
The Machida fight, he was, it was a close fight.
That was a close fight.
I thought Machida won.
What do you think it was about, was just Rumble just too...
He's a monster.
He's just too much of a monster.
He's a monster, and Rumble's a scary guy.
Yeah, he's too big, he's too strong.
Rumble fucked up Arlovsky at heavyweight.
God, that's so crazy.
He almost stopped him in the first round.
He broke his jaw in half in the first round.
Arlovsky fought the last two rounds with a jaw that was shifting up and down,
because it was shattered in the side.
Somebody's fighting Arlovsky.
Somebody's got some good stories.
When we talk about how guys are hyping fights, it came backfiring.
Like, with the Mitrione fight, me and Matt, you know, we're buddies.
We can both talk a little smack.
So it was good to hype the fight talking smack.
Right.
It was great.
When you fight legends like Mirko Krokop, Andrei Arlovsky, Big Nog,
with Arlovsky, fans are hitting me up on Twitter like,
oh, I can't wait to see what your smack talk is.
There's no smack talk.
I don't need to talk smack to Andrei Arlovsky to hype this fight.
He's a legend.
You're not going to win any fans over.
What are you going to say?
What are you going to say?
Oh, man, you fought the very best fighters in the world.
You're a heavyweight champ.
You know what I mean?
What are you going to do?
You got to be super respectful.
Yeah, man.
Otherwise, they fucking attack like wolves.
Like wolves.
The fight sells itself.
Tell the story about how you were training with Arlovsky after training
where he goes, come here.
Yeah, yeah.
So Andrei Arlovsky and I used to train together at Jackson's camp.
And when I was getting ready for a fight, this was over, shoot,
almost four years ago, the two fighters when I first got into the game
that I admired and loved were Mirko Krokop and Andrei Arlovsky.
My two very favorites.
That's who I wanted to be like.
So I walked in the gym, and it was Arlovsky's first day at Jackson's too.
And, you know, when you're seeing a guy on TV fighting all the time,
and then you run into him, you're like, damn.
All right.
So I see him like, oh, shit, there's Andrei Arlovsky.
So they're like, all right, Shabarlovsky, you're in the ring.
First day sparring, right?
Fresh off the plane, I'm sparring with him.
So me and him are going, and it's a close round.
He's a badass, right?
Me and him are going back and forth.
People would literally stop and watch us spar, just these dog rounds back and
forth,
five rounds in a row.
And then later that night, we grapple.
And then the next morning, I drink coffee every morning, right?
Drinking coffee, and I have this horrible coffee breath.
Breath smell like pure coffee shit breath, right?
And I go up to Andrei, and he's not a very warm person at all.
Not at all.
It's that very Belarus, Russian, where it's going to take a while to be his
friend, I can tell.
And I'm trying to break these barriers, man.
I go, hey, bro, I just want to let you know, man, I got that coffee breath.
And he didn't say a word to me the night before training.
He goes, it's okay, it's okay.
Much better than yesterday.
Yesterday, shit.
I go, what?
He goes, yesterday, breath smelled like shit.
I go, oh, cool, man.
Cool, and then just went about our business.
That was really the only words he ever said to me, man.
And we trained together for a while.
It wasn't even, like, friendly.
What about when you were kicking, when he had you kick his body?
Yeah, and then we get done training.
I've never done this.
He goes, I'm trying to do my best Russian accent.
You guys are probably much better.
It's a terrible Russian accent.
Horrible, right?
Well, sorry, I'm not from Russia.
So he goes, put your hands on top of your head like this.
I'm like, what are we doing, man?
We just got done sparring.
I'm exhausted.
I put my hands up, and he just goes, brace yourself, and starts wailing at my
body.
What?
With kicks, punches, wailing.
Does this make you tough?
I'm like, okay.
And I'm like, ow.
I'm trying to be tough, though, because he's my hero.
I'm like, oh, okay.
Ow, ow.
And then he goes, my turn.
You do it to me.
And I'm like, no, you hit, like, girl.
Hit.
And I'm fucking trying, man.
Trying to hurt this guy.
Nothing.
And that was my experience with Andrzej Olowski.
So a lot of that stuff made sense.
There's no cutting and baby dick sense.
I don't know anything about that.
Cutting, sucking, baby dick, all that doesn't work.
I know that comes from Moses when he cut his own penis to show his Suserbians
to God in
the Old Testament.
That's a very weird way to show your Suserbians.
Speaking of penises, you ever had a friend break a dick?
Jesus.
I heard of that before.
I've never had a friend.
Had a friend break a dick.
Had to rush him to the emergency room.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Rush him to the emergency room.
Does it ever get fixed totally, or is it always kind of hooked?
It kind of, yeah, curves to the left a little bit.
Wow.
His balls, literally, internal bleeding, filled up.
Oh, my God.
It looked like purple gecko skin.
That's why you got to be careful with crazy bitches.
You got to get double underhooks on