Name: Joe Rogan Experience #778 - Ari Shaffir
Uploaded: 2016-03-28T23:46:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #778 - Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #778 - Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-28. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #778 - Ari Shaffir

by yourself in a house like you should seriously think about buying a house jamie
or me you oh
barry shaffir in the yeah fucking house put the headphones on so we feel like
we're doing something
there we go where are they this these headphones make a difference it's so much
easier without my
glasses they used to pinch me oh that's right crush my ears but you went and
got your eyes
cut on yeah they put a fucking laser right to your eyeball and they go don't
look at it
like it's my eyeball oh wow because you're looking at him like i know i'm
looking at it it's right in my
eyeball so what do you have to do look straight ahead and so they come in like
this but then it's
like as it gets right next to your eyes slightly to the left like it goes to
like the outside of the
black part you know how do they keep your eyeballs open from blinking uh um
what's it called style
like a speculum yeah but what's that movie clockwork orange yeah they do that
to you oh no really hitting
you with drops to like wet it oh my god but they peel back the layer like a
grape you know like the
shell of a grape how does that feel nothing doesn't feel like anything you can't
really feel it whoa
later it feels like because it's like a slight scar that has to heal but you're
not used to having a
scar between your eyelid and your eyeball so it feels like a piece of sand is
in there and they're like
do not rub it there's no sand in there just don't rub it eyeballs are some
serious it's
one of the most disturbing things to me about mma is eye pokes when guys get
eye poked yeah oh it's
almost like i'd rather see a guy get hit real hard than get eye poked that was
the worst thing i'm
on uh game of thrones oh god dude yeah crushed him with two eyeballs spoiler
alert whatever spoiler
alert you can't spoiler alert stuff that's five years old it's not how many
years is that that
show that season was like three or four years old that dude who got smooshed
was badass badass i
wanted to win so bad he had so much going for him so much and he was gonna get
revenge finally yeah
he had flair he had technique he was uh bisexual should bisexual yeah but they
all were back then man
people just fucked everybody back then yeah i think there's like there's so
much of a different world
if we think about like what the romans did and what all these different
cultures did they were like
fucking each other fucking young boys like young boys it was normal for guys to
young boys yeah like what the hell yeah better world right
but it's it's fucking strange when you go back and you listen to like it was plato
right plato was
one of the big ones one of the big boy fuckers wasn't he wasn't plato a boy i
think plato was
a soldier he uh he was a like a warrior like an accomplished warrior and then
became a philosopher
yeah if i'm remembering this story correctly which we're pretty fucking high
right which is probably
wrong yeah pretty high right now and it's a wake and bake day has his pederasty
have you heard that
turn yeah pederast i've heard of pederast what is that when i googled him and
boys that's what comes
up so what is a pederast it means someone who likes to fuck young boys all
right it's bizarre that that
was like really commonplace amongst very respected intellectuals at one point
in human history oh yeah
plato didn't lose his fucking subway campaign you know he could go on being one
of the most respected
philosophers in history yeah you don't take it away if they're dead
and it's a long time ago we accept well i mean we should right because they had
a lot to contribute
we should we should accept aberrant behavior but we should also maybe look at
it as a sign of
there's some massive times thing yeah well there's massive advancement in
understanding yeah
about human beings about the consequences of sexual abuse like all those things
like i don't think they
really had enough time to live to figure things out enough everyone was dead at
30 right yeah they're like
they're gonna fuck them up as adults like wait what think of how fucking stupid
this country is
right think of how ridiculous we are if we look at each other as a collective
when you find out
things that people get upset with like something i tweeted today about uh this
was it chase whatever
whatever bank it was they they wouldn't allow a guy's check they cancelled his
check because he wrote
dash on it which is his fucking dog's name dash and they thought dash was too
close to an islamic word
which is like d-a-e-s-a where did he write it on it he wrote it on a check like
to his
fucking dog like where's his money going note to sell dog like maybe his dog
got on the memo part
some some part of it like pull it up jamie because they thought it was an islamic
name that was the
reason why can't you send something to a guy named ahmed exactly what if the
guy's name is muhammad
are we fucked now how does muhammad ali get his checks how does muhammad ali
what happens look at this
bank freezes online payment over doug's terrorist sounding name put can you
scroll it so we can see
what the words are because it's hurting my brain i have a picture of it right
here i was trying to
find the picture and here's the young the oh he's wheelchaired up yeah he's got
he's got i think he's
got um that makes him get more sympathy for sure would it scroll up what was
his disease jamie
i want to see yeah multiple sclerosis he was transferring money from his chase
account to his dog walker
so he put the nine-year-old pitbull's moniker dash in the memo line because it's
to pay for his
fucking dog walker yeah and it's too much like d-a-e-s-h the arabic term for
self-described
islamic state that's their word for isis yes i guess but it's not the same word
you fucks
that's like you you can't write nagger explain what someone's a nagger you can't
write that oh is it
because they don't want to donate any money to isis and he's like oh hold on
yes exactly they they
thought for some reason that that was a red flag are you not allowed to give
money to isis
uh i don't think you're allowed look at it says it says it flagged a payment
which placed a note on
francis's account asking him to explain what dash explain yourself son god damn
it soldiers died but
it's the it's not the same word like think of how many words day die i mean is
that what i mean what
are we gonna d-a-e-s-h is not the same as d-a-s-h right is that what it is d-a-e-s-h
yeah
it's just not the same word like we have combinations of words that are vastly
different
so dash is one extra letter yes it is a word yeah and it means to go fast
everybody knows it
it's so stupid i mean you think there's so many different combinations that you
could say are close
flagged reviewed and eventually released
out an hour what about that are they the same thing is that the same word
should we flag it
is it the same what do you mean did you mean out or our i wrote out i wrote out
you
fuck well yes but we would like to know if you meant our well i would have
wrote our
okay i wrote out you fucks okay that's cleared up but i don't think you have to
call us
fucks why are you contacting me this is not what you're supposed to do what you're
supposed to do is
pay my goddamn dog walker so i don't look like a dickhead and she's got to pay
her
fucking rent and you ruined everything sir i understand you're upset but if you
just
calm down we're trying to stop terrorism it's fucking the rothschilds or some
shit chemtrails sir if you could watch your vaccines and 9-11 all together with
the
fucking moon landing and area 51. i want my fucking money
dash is a great dog you ever lose it on a customer service person like that
just
fucking go nuts no i'm not like that i try to be i hate those jobs i wouldn't
want that job
they don't want that job yeah i try to be i know it's not never their fault
i try to be as nice as possible some people are just so it's not even their
fault some people
people that you talk to like customer service people are so like if if it's for
something shitty
like something that happens all the time yeah like they're dealing with so many
people that are
complaining all the time oh right non-stop yeah i remember when apple's uh
start with the iphone oh
yeah and you know how at&t only had it drops calls are getting dropped left and
right remember because
everybody got on there and i was like what's the part i was like hey you must
deal with a lot of
calls about drop calls and it was like it's a lot it's a lot of angry people i
remember i had a guy
talk me through some issue on my phone once i had a call a dude i don't
remember what the exact issue
was but like all my contacts went away i was like what is going on here with
and he had to talk me
through it and figure out how to get it back to the way it used to be and
update things it was it was a
nightmare but i remember the guy well i was like dude okay how much does this
job suck i go i'm not
completely retarded and you're trying to help me through this and i've built
computers i mean i've
taken a motherboard i put it in i put the seat i put the heat sink in and i've
done all that added video
cards i know a little bit about computers just to i mean i'm not like a
computer wizard but more than the
average retard right and i was barely figuring it out i was like okay i gotta
go back i gotta delete
what do i do i start fresh okay i go to my backup i have a backup i was back
with the key log yeah i'm
like how but where did they go where's all my contacts go why'd they get chewed
up like there's some i
don't know anybody's i don't know your number yeah you're the same number
forever i don't know what the
it is i just look at my phone i find your number and i call you and um but i
remember talking to the
guy going like what is this like man he's like dude i can't even describe it he's
like people call
up you're like have you ever even seen if you have a phone is there or are you
just crazy they say he
says to them he wants to say to them like do you know how to work because then
he's got to be like
okay um did you turn it on i turned it on but the phone's black i saw somebody
at an airport doing
that on the call i was like i don't understand how do you get the thing to send
and i want to be like
hey lady that send button at the bottom is what you're looking for sometimes it
talks to me
that's that's siri ma'am what is what what is siri what is siri is it important
what they're saying
did you say hey siri what the fuck are you i don't know what i said the phone
is talking to me
there's a bigger issue you're when you say hey siri if you have hey siri on
like me saying this right
now over and over again people right now all across the world are yelling at me
they get mad
they get mad really because it start your phone starts talking to you like it
happened to me when
i was in my car listening to a podcast of us talking about hey siri my phone
went off because
the podcast said hey siri so my phone started asking me what can i do for you i
was like wow oh my god
this is ridiculous and sometimes it starts transcribing things sometimes like
hey siri will activate and
then it'll transcribe a whole list of shit that you're saying wow yeah and like
what do you do
that's not my question like hey siri thinks you have like a four paragraph long
question for it so
you're just like hey siri look up hardcore black on white pornography not while
i'm at work
at work i'm a different person at work at work i don't even care about those
things
not while i'm at work
at work i wear a suit and i have very special behavior
i'm a different person here i'm a different person i used to uh i used to uh
wear my yamaka
at my law firm i worked at as a it's like a 17 18 year old and um and then i
would take it off what
would i do oh a lot of guys lawyers would come in and like take the yamaka off
as soon as i got in
because i wanted to blend in right but i would keep mine on whatever but the
next year i lost my religion
and then i didn't want 