Name: Joe Rogan Experience #788 - Brendan Schaub
Uploaded: 2016-04-22T00:08:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #788 - Brendan Schaub' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #788 - Brendan Schaub' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-22. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #788 - Brendan Schaub

He's double shooting me. That means we're live. With the Keto Kid.
The Keto Kid. I've been doing this for six days. He's the Keto Kid now.
That's your new nickname, the Keto Kid.
That's hilarious. The Keto Kid.
I'm just happy you're doing it, man. Before we get into the UFC stuff, Brendan
and I were talking before this about he started the No Sugar Diet.
He went straight Keto.
Which is crazy for me.
Yeah, for you, dude. I was like, there's no way he's ever going to do this. You're
so addicted to candy.
I was the straight candy, man. I had candy in my car, everything.
Ari Shaffir is probably the worst I've ever seen.
Really?
Yeah. He'll take a day off candy and he'll just eat like pasta and bread all
day, like giving his body candy in some other form.
God damn.
For me, I think it was just like I've tried all these diets and I've never got
the results I've wanted to.
It's hard.
And then as soon as I started doing this, everyone's like, be careful, man. The
cravings, you're going to have headaches. I haven't had shit.
Matter of fact, I work out more.
Was it hard at all over the first couple of days?
No.
That's interesting.
Not at all. Not at all.
Well, you know, if you talk to that Mark Sisson guy, he would probably say that
your body just adapts really well to it.
That's what I would probably imagine.
But I think to be sure you're even in a state of ketosis, you've got to measure
your blood.
But it's going to be annoying for you, just like it's annoying for me.
I kind of have to find out where's the right place to stab yourself because the
fingertips weren't working for me.
It's like the little insulin when you check your blood sugar.
Yeah, they weren't getting through my fingertips.
You have some thick-ass fingers.
Thick-ass fingers.
It's all those kettlebells.
Calluses.
I got some serious calluses up in here.
I hear you.
Over the last couple of years.
I think most guys are doing their pinky.
My dad's diabetic because I see him doing the pinky all the time.
He has some big old banana fingers.
Somebody sent me one, though, and they said there's a legit one now for your
breath.
The ones for the breath used to suck, but now they have one that's legit.
And it shows what level of ketogenic you're at?
Yeah, yeah.
Ketosis, really?
I have to look into that.
I don't even remember who sent it to me.
Dude, I don't give a fuck.
I just feel good.
You know what I'm saying?
I just feel good.
I'm just going to keep doing it.
Dude, you're going to feel—this is the crazy thing.
You're going to feel this way, and this is how you feel now.
Like, you know, this thing in the middle of the day where you get tired?
That's going to go away.
And I got that when I went to Mexico when I'm on vacation.
Had a great old time.
But I said, fuck it, man.
I'm in Mexico.
I'm on vacation.
I'm going to go off my diet.
I'm going to have some fucking burritos, you know?
Never mad at that.
I'm going to have some tortillas.
Why not?
I'm getting in there.
I had tacos.
I had the whole thing.
And then I said, fuck it.
While I'm doing that, I might as well get dessert.
Dude, I felt like diggity dog shit.
When you haven't done that in two months—
The next day you did?
No, then, right away.
I just crashed the sugar.
Yeah, right away I felt terrible after eating the cake.
And then later in the day, I mean, I was just—I could barely stay conscious.
You can't do that anymore.
Yeah, I think my thing was—is I've always wanted to do it, but I never really
had a strict reason to do it.
Like, something that just put me over to finally make the decision to do it.
And I was thinking about how much you do, because I have a lot of stuff going
on.
I'm like, dude, I'm getting tired, man.
I'm not doing that well.
Like, I could be doing better, just mentally, more clear, and I'm working out,
doing all this stuff.
And you and I have been talking about it for a while, and I was like, fuck, I
might as well try it, man.
Because coffee really does nothing to me anymore.
I could drink six cappuccinos before I go to bed and sleep just fine.
Just fine.
Just fine.
You should probably never get into REM sleep at all.
Nothing.
So I'm like, I've got to do something.
And, dude, it's been great.
Wow.
That's amazing.
Good for you.
It gets easy.
12-step program, son.
It gets easy, because after a while, you just look at food as like, oh, well,
this is what I'm supposed to be eating.
That other stuff isn't food.
You know?
Like, you don't look at a candy bar like, oh, that would be good right now.
That's what's crazy to me.
I'm not like, like you were talking about how you have those ketogenic, like,
greasy pieces or whatever.
I don't even want to try that bullshit.
Yeah, these are, I should give them a shout out.
Quest Labs sent us a bunch of stuff when they found out that we were doing this.
And Quest are great.
I know those guys.
They're great.
But, like, even, like, sweets or something that simulates sweets, I don't even
want that.
It's weird, man.
This stuff's good.
Like, they have crackers.
You can eat these crackers.
These are like keto crackers.
They're saltines.
I fucking hate crackers now.
Whoa.
I'm against carbs in any form.
Those aren't really carbs.
I know.
What the fuck they are.
I don't like the way they look anymore, Joe.
Yeah, son.
Look at you.
You're a new man.
I know, man.
I feel good.
Paying a week later, I'm just 300 pounds full of sugar.
This is some stuff I've been taking, too.
It's called Kigenics, and it's exogenous ketones.
These are, I don't know if that guy, Dom D'Agostino, had something to do with
this.
Somebody told me.
I need to research it further.
But these are exogenous ketones.
You take this, and you mix that with water, and it puts you in a state of ketosis
really rapidly, like within an hour.
12 carbs, though.
Yeah, but it's okay.
For the whole day?
Again, I don't need anything.
I have some nuts in my car covered in cinnamon.
I'll snack on those all day.
It'll be just fine.
Never hungry.
You're very dedicated.
Something's going on right now.
I got nuts in my car.
I have nuts in my car.
Like macadamia?
Almonds.
Ooh, almonds are good.
Almonds, man, with just cinnamon on top?
You know what I do?
I eat those pistachios that are already shelled.
Oh, so you got to crack the shell open?
No, they're already shelled.
Oh, you're saying, oh, they're not shelled.
No, well, the shell, shelled meaning the shells were removed.
Oh, word.
Yeah, that's shelled.
Is that the correct term?
Shelled?
Shelled.
Well, she, wouldn't, okay.
Yeah, like, I mean, what would be a good comparison?
It's not unshelled?
No, I don't believe so.
I think they say shelled, meaning that they've been removed from the shell.
If someone goes, hey, you want some shelled?
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe it is unshelled.
If you want some shelled nuts, I'd say, well, is there anyone who can unshelled
them?
Well, you're saying it makes total sense.
I know.
Well, whatever it is, I buy them in the bag with no shells.
Let me just put it that way.
I don't like that.
It's a big, giant-ass bag, and I just force feed them.
I like the work.
It's like with sunflower seeds.
I don't like just regular sunflower seeds.
I got to have the shell.
Yeah.
I like the work.
I know a lot of people do that, man.
Like, if you just got a plate of crab meat, fuck that noise.
I want the legs to crack open.
I see.
Is that weird?
No, no.
There's merit to that.
Yeah, I don't know.
I get it.
I had some regular pistachios the other day, and I had to work for them.
Rewarding.
Yeah, and they were kind of, like, flavorful on the outside.
I enjoyed it.
Yeah, I like sucking on the shells.
But sometimes, I just like to pour a coffee cup full of pistachios and just eat
that shit while I watch TV.
See, I'll do a mix.
A little macadamia nuts, cashews.
All unsalted.
I hate salt.
Dude, you're so healthy now.
What's going on?
I don't know what the fuck's going on.
I don't know.
I like this fucking new fucking keto.
It's weird, man.
I'm a keto kid.
That made me fucking laugh.
Are you getting a lot of vegetables in, too?
Yeah, tons of veggies.
You know what my big thing is?
I probably eat.
I've ate it every night for dinner since I've been on the diet.
Is I do, like, a shredded lettuce cabbage mix that I saute, and I put buffalo
meat in it.
And then I'll put, like, hot sauce on top of that.
Every night, that's what I have for dinner.
I know.
I look forward to it, too.
Wow.
It's so weird.
Yeah, weight is going to melt off your body, too.
The first few pounds that you lose, obviously I'm not a doctor, are supposed to
be just your body adjusting to this new lower inflammation diet.
You don't have as much inflammation, you don't have as much water storage in
your body.
Yeah.
And you just get rid of some of that.
And then your body, as it starts burning off fat, one of the coolest things is
you don't get those crazy hunger cravings, either.
It's a completely different kind of hunger.
Well, plus, it lasts longer, right?
Because you're eating these fats, so your body's not spiking insulin, right?
It's, like, more of a steady pace.
Exactly.
And the spike in insulin is fucking real, man.
Because, like I told you, I cheated in Mexico, and then I cheated one other
time.
I just said, fucking, I want a cheeseburger and a milkshake from this, like,
old-timey diner.
So American.
I was so dead afterwards.
It was like somebody poisoned me.
I mean, it was, it's so dramatic, man.
You're like, no, bitch.
No, I really did feel like I was having the hardest time getting up off the
couch.
I was like, God.
I can't, I just couldn't breathe.
It was like my body had just shut down to process all this bullshit.
That garbage.
Yeah, it's like, what the fuck is this?
I think the only thing that took me a while to get used to was so much MCT oil.
Yeah, you gotta be careful with that, though.
I texted you yesterday.
I was running, I took a bunch of this new MCT oil.
I swear to God, I was like, it's Venice.
I might as well just shit my pants right here.
Like, no one's going to give a fuck.
I will just shit everywhere.
Yeah, there's a tipping point with MCT oil where it just opens a floodgate to
your booty hole.
Yeah, there's no floodgate to your booty hole.
There's no, like, third gear.
It's like first or fucking sixth gear, man.
And where is it?
Is it like two tablespoons?
I'm trying to figure it out.
Is it like three tablespoons?
You're gone.
That shit is the perfect storm for explosive diarrhea.
Yeah, if you want to clean out the pipes, you don't need a colonic.
But it's not like, ah, I gotta take a shit.
It's like, it's coming.
You better fucking figure it out.
You're squeezing your butt up and you're tensing up your innards.
You're trying to, like, clamp it down from the inside.
I have to stop running.
I was like, I better think, I better come up with game plan here.
My mouth started watering.
I'm like, oh shit.
And there's that battle that you play.
It's very similar to the battle when you're trying not to come.
You know, the battle when you're trying not to come.
I'm just squeezing your dick in your fingers.
I'm just squeezing your dick in your fingers.
I'm just, Jesus, Jesus.
That shit is.
It's very similar to that.
I don't want to shit my pants.
You have willpower.
Because there's some weak people in the world that just shit their pants more
than they should.
You can't be my friend.
If you just give up and shit your pants, lose my number.
I just don't know what to do.
It hurts to keep my butt tight.
You just got no willpower, man.
Yeah, but then I've shit my pants before, too.
It's like, here's the deal.
It's okay to tap out.
Just don't tap out like a bitch.
No, at least put up a fight.
It's alright if you're going to lose the fight.
Be actually in a position where you have to tap.
Don't just tap because you're uncomfortable.
You're sweating and you have no other options.
Hey, didn't Calen lie to you one time and said he shit his pants and then
showed up with regular pants?
That's one lie you just can't do.
He said that he couldn't make it t