Name: Joey Diaz & His Friend Bonehead (from Joe Rogan Experience #803)
Uploaded: 2016-06-04T20:20:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz & His Friend Bonehead (from Joe Rogan Experience #803)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz & His Friend Bonehead (from Joe Rogan Experience #803)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-04. Transcript available.

Hello, freak bitches.
You know, I think about that last year I did blow.
I was ready to call 60 Minutes.
Like, I think of this state of mind right now.
Like, I had already a pitch for 60 Minutes
to explain to them that I had found the cure for cocaine.
That if you do heroin on Mondays,
just a little bit, you will not snort the rest of the week.
Like, I was really going to pitch 60 Minutes.
I was going to get an agent and go to CBS and go listen.
I got a groundbreaking idea.
There's no reason for rehab.
We'll get that white powder you motherfuckers are going to war for.
And we'll get that little white poppy seed.
We'll make it into some pill.
And we'll get people high on Monday
because the rest of the week I didn't want to get high.
How crazy is that?
I was doing heroin on a Monday
and it wouldn't let me do coke the rest of the week.
I look forward to Monday as fuck. CSI Miami.
Why only Monday?
I don't know. I don't know.
I have no fucking idea.
You got to start the week off right.
And this is snorting it.
Yeah, snorting it.
Two little lines of heroin just to get me out.
And what does it do?
What's the feeling?
Tell me what it feels like when it hits you.
Oh, it takes a couple of minutes to hit you.
And you feel this weird thing.
And then you feel like your blood pressure going up.
And you feel like this euphoric warmth.
You feel like this fucking warmth.
I felt like my body.
You ever take a wet shit?
It's warm and you can see if you shit outside, steam's going to come out of it.
Right.
That's what your body feels like.
That warmth.
And then I would get an urge to puke.
For a couple of minutes I would gag and puke a little bit would come out of
yellow.
And then after I puked a little bit, I would just go into this state of fucking
momo-ness for four hours.
It was like smoking Indica's all day.
Momo-ness.
Like just sitting there smoking cigarettes, looking out a window.
And I'd make believe I was writing John Lennon type lyrics to jokes.
Until I looked at them the next day.
This brilliance about a refrigerator.
Like I remember writing a bit about a refrigerator once.
And looking at it the next day and saying thank God.
Thank God I never tried.
You know what I'm saying?
Like little things like just.
Well that was Hedberg's drug of choice.
And his jokes.
Man.
I mean.
I think he's probably the best non sequitur joke guy ever.
Because all his jokes are unrelated.
It's like here's a non sequitur.
Here's some other things I was thinking about.
Here's something I thought.
Here's something I saw.
And it was.
Like I was listening to it the other day.
Half of his jokes were only funny because he was saying them.
You know.
But they were hilarious.
Hilarious.
He had a.
He had a way of doing it that was kind of like heroin comedy.
You know.
Would you be messed up during the week?
Or no.
Who?
You.
Uh.
It take me a day to recover on Tuesdays.
I'd be out.
I didn't say nothing to nobody.
I was doing the heroin.
And I wasn't doing coke.
So I was really fucking happy.
And so you would be like sober Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
Yeah.
And then you'd look forward to the big bump on Monday.
Yeah.
That kid's dead.
He used to send it to me.
He used to send me seven dollar bags.
What kid?
His name was Bonehead.
He died from an OD.
How weird.
Yeah.
Figured that guy was going to live forever.
Bonehead?
I knew Bonehead from the time.
Fuck.
Rest in peace.
You lost Bonehead, bro.
Let me tell you something about Bonehead.
Bonehead was like your boy.
He was...
I could go into a room with 90 motherfuckers and Bonehead would liquidate ten
of them.
Bonehead was a bad motherfucker, dog.
I loved Bonehead.
Bonehead had three brothers.
I loved all of them.
But Bonehead was...
And two of the brothers were very successful.
And believe it or not, Bonehead was successful.
As a plumber.
He had his own company.
He only went crazy at night.
Bonehead.
Bonehead, when I was 17, would take me to McSally's Ale House in New York City.
No ID.
He called the bartender.
I would give him three mugs of beer.
Give him three mugs of beer.
And give him a bowl of chili.
And Mughead would take ten bucks from the both of us.
And he'd go to Washington Square Park.
And he'd come back and he'd give me eight Valiums.
And by the meantime, he would go buy his heroin.
And he'd buy these mixture of pills.
And he'd melt them too.
The black and whites.
Then he'd take us to a strip club in New Jersey or something.
Then he'd take us home.
And the next day, seven in the morning,
this strip had this bonehead in the fucking plumbing van up and dandy.
He was a functioning addict.
He wasn't like your regular.
There's a lot of those guys out there.
And he had a chick.
That was a 13.
Really?
She was half Asian, half Irish.
Good lord.
And they used to do heroin together.
And they'd pass out in the living room.
They'd fuck and they'd both go to sleep.
And then I'd be in the bedroom.
Because I just moved in with bonehead's family.
Okay.
They were Italian, bro.
They were real fucking Italians.
And the mother was the first person who ever made me an egg cream.
She was a little Irish chick.
And she used to say the word Earl.
She couldn't say oil.
And she was the bookkeeper for Union 52, whatever.
The Teamsters, the laborers union.
And I was over there one day when I was 16.
She goes, "You got a book?"
"Nah.
Walk me to work tomorrow.
I'll get you a book.
You can start fucking being a hottie."
So I had, you know, like a hot carrier.
Hot carrier?
Yeah.
They're for brick masons.
Okay.
So she goes, "I can get you with the Italians over by the brick mason."
Because she was from Hoboken.
So she got me a book.
I financed it.
She got a loan shark to finance it.
I love these people.
This is, if I'm thinking, I don't like doing documentaries.
But I need to do a documentary about this family.
Because it's the rise and fall of an American family that I saw before my eyes.
As a child, I went over there and ate with them.
You know, I hung out with all three brothers, by the way.
Like, I wasn't just friends with Bonehead.
I hung out with Chrissy Fish.
And I hung out with the little, whatever his name was.
But Bonehead was my nighttime guy.
Bonehead used to take me into the murky waters of the underworld.
He could get me guns and shit.
Now, the medium brother was a drug dealer in the 80s.
And he drugged, he sold big times coke.
And he used to buy jewelry.
And he used to put them in a tackle box.
So one night, me and the younger brother in the bed sleeping.
Bonehead comes in to borrow money from us.
Because he was going to the city to get heroin.
And he goes, and I go, Bonehead, I got to go to the bank.
I don't have any money on me.
He went into his brother's room.
And instead of, his brother was sleeping, the drug dealer.
Instead of just opening up the tackle box and taking $40 out.
He took the whole tackle box.
And it had $40,000 in cash and another $30 in jewelry.
He went to the Bronx.
These are the best times of my life.
If you want to talk about comrades, this is the best time of my life.
This is your war stories?
And you thought the house was haunted.
And that was scary.
No, no, no.
This was not a haunted house at all.
These people were decent Italian people.
The dad was a longshoreman.
And the mom was in charge of the Teamsters Union.
And they hung out with Westies.
They hung out with the fuck.
And the mother was friends with this dude that was a whatever for the Westies.
And he used to get me jobs.
He would get me jobs, casing joints.
You know when you have a summer job?
Nah, he would tell me, come here.
I want you to go in that warehouse.
I'm going to give you $200 and they're going to give you $180.
I want you to go in that warehouse and write down all the alarms.
And tell me where the safe is, who walks around the safe.
And he would pay me money.
This is a great house.
Old school Italian house.
But back to Bonehead.
Bonehead has the fishing tackle box.
He's about to go upstairs to buy heroin and shoot it.
He puts the tackle box in the garbage can in front of the building and puts a
lid on it.
When he's upstairs shooting heroin, the garbage men come.
And they take the $40 large with the $30,000 in fucking jewelry.
Do you understand me?
I mean, this was non-stop.
Another night, Bonehead came home high on heroin.
And he decided to make french fries.
So he put the pot out.
Remember in the '80s?
They had those pots.
You could bring it home with the hot oil.
And they would boil.
And you could throw french fries.
America went crazy over them.
I forgot what they were.
Crazy.
French fry machines.
Everybody was making onion rings and shit.
Well, he did heroin and knotted it up.
Left that thing around.
And the fucking thing went on fire.
Of course it did.
We're all in the fucking house.
Oh, Jesus.
All right.
I wake up.
That's oil.
I wake up to ba-boom.
And alarms.
And all of a sudden, Kurt's waking me up.
And we go out of the house.
And the father's outside.
And the grandmother.
And the fire department crawls on top of the roof, Joe.
And they're hitting the fucking roof.
To let the smoke out.
And fire trucks are coming from the side.
Laying water.
And they got the sirens.
In the middle of all of this, it's eight in the morning.
And we all look around and go, "Oh, my God.
Emil's still in the house.
Bonehead was still in the house on fire."
Bro, they turn the fire off.
They go in.
He's still with his feet up.
With his hands crossed.
Just heroin out of his mind.
Watching TV like that.
What happened?
He slept through the fire?
Oh, my God.
Everything.
When they woke him up, he goes, "Are my fries ready?"
This is how crazy this family was.
"Are my fries ready?"
"Are my fries ready?"
They're like Bonehead.
We have two fucking battalions out there.
We got half of 9/11 out there.
Oh, my God.
And you're still fucking sleeping.
Oh, my God.
They burned the house down.
Burned the fucking kitchen down and half the bedroom.
They had to move into a hotel for six months.
And they had a grandmother downstairs.
It was old school Italian, but she couldn't smell.
So every time we smoked pot, we'd just go down there and blow smoke in her face.
And grandma would pass out in the wheelchair.
And that was the end of it.
I mean, it didn't stop.
It didn't stop.
Jeez.
So this is why you get mad at people for binge watching stuff on Netflix.
And this is what you were talking about.
I get mad at everything, Lee.
What do you got to bother me for?
I get mad when people are like...
He used to hide the coke.
The medium brother used to hide the coke under his car.
And I'd be walking down the hill and I could see a little container in there.
He didn't even have a Maserati.
What's the other Italian car?
Fiat.
The Avanti.
Oh, okay.
I remember those.
Remember that piece of shit?
Yeah.
That was a piece of shit.
Those are pieces of shit.
Can you show me a piece of carbon?
I don't trust anything Italian.
Oh my God.
He tried to sell it to me once.
It was like, it's worth 20.
I'll give it to you for two grand.
Yeah.
Then I drive it down the corner, it blows up.