Name: Joe Rogan Experience #814 - Ari Shaffir
Uploaded: 2016-06-23T04:18:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #814 - Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #814 - Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-23. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #814 - Ari Shaffir

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
Yes, he said you were in Seattle last night. Yeah, what are you doing show?
Well stand-up comedy. Yeah, some place
Kurt Cobain and Nirvana played. Whoa. Yeah
I mean, he wasn't there
You know, I know but it's cool being in those
I've been saying that doing these like a lot of these theaters is like doing
like a like a functional museum
Yeah, yeah, some of them. Yeah, that Fillmore Fillmore for sure. Yeah with all
those pictures in there
Dude, I took a bunch of film of the we were in the dressing room
Apparently, that's like one of the first places that the Led Zeppelin the Led
Zeppelin, you know those
That Led Zeppelin played really when they first came to America. Yeah, that's
cool
I don't know if the first or one of the first
but uh, yeah, man, I mean that is like as
Museum like it's floor-to-ceiling too with the pictures all the way over
Yeah, it's a big-ass place, man. It's not like I mean
As far as like it's not that big. It's like 450 people
But I mean as far as like what it stands for. Yeah, like there's a few places
like that
The Chicago theater is definitely like that. I'm just walking around that place
like whoa
Yeah, the look of it. Yeah
There's a bunch of them that are like just so old
That it's it's kind of weird that they let people just fucking run around on
stage and tell dick jokes in them
It's close. This is their first tour. Oh the first tour
That makes sense
There you go. See everybody's the first place in Denver
Yeah, fuck. Yeah first they went straight to Denver. They knew not west not
east coast. They knew that's the spot
Yeah, why fuck around
How long do they went to New York?
That's a good question
Six years eve. Oh damn
1969
Do you know that their lawsuit is going on right now for stealing stairway to
heaven?
No, right way right against who who's who they steal from it was a band
Bill Burr was the one to turn me on to this shit
Bill Burr called me up because you're not gonna fucking believe it. They were
all fucking thieves
They stole they stole he calls me up and he sends me this YouTube video to
listen to and I go holy shit
Like dude, I couldn't be a bigger Led Zeppelin. Yeah, for sure. I'd love Led Zeppelin.
I mean, they're like
Like a whole lot of love is like my get high and sit back with headphones song,
you know
Old black people like it too. Oh, yeah, because before they played hip-hop on
the radio
That's right so they had I guess was what's that boy. That's all they had
Yeah, so I just had back bullshit white people music
They were hiding Robert Johnson stealing all his music that Zeppelin singer
claims foggy memory and stairway to heaven lawsuit
Well, I mean that's fair. It's 50 years ago. Yeah, I mean that's boy. I could
barely remember shit 10 years ago
How's this guy supposed to remember shit 50 years ago?
Yeah, but there's no way if I stole stairway to heaven. I bet I'd fucking
remember here. Let me hear the both
Can we hear both of them? We can't do it? Why can we play it super stealing for
us and not have it on the YouTube or what?
It'll get just get us pulled from the YouTube. I can keep it off YouTube. Yeah,
I can keep it off YouTube
Okay, okay, so we'll listen to it and we'll be able to talk to you and you want
first the original
Don't they have a side that side by side? I've already heard the stair
Everybody knows what stairway sounds like
What a good song though up and down and speed. Yeah, and these pan this band
opened for them, huh?
Yeah
It doesn't look good. What? Yeah, it doesn't look good at all
And this way is it because it possible this band was like stole it from Led Zeppelin
No, no, apparently it's not because they recorded it several years before they
toured Led Zeppelin
Well that sums it up. Yeah, I think they recorded it like two years before Zeppelin
did theirs if this is just like four chords
They play the middle song. Oh, wow
What hmm this is the original? Oh my god, let's hear it
It's goddamn so close
Well another argument that someone said they're called spirit. It's the name of
the song is Taurus
The best of spirits is a little bit better
Wow
Yeah, it's goddamn. It's really good, but someone said no, I don't know shit
about music and I know you don't either right?
This is the Led Zeppelin version
We know that. Yeah, we know that it sounds so similar, but someone yeah
You don't know any shit about music like you don't play musical instruments. I
don't either someone to Jamie you might know this
Someone said that the music is like a very common
Commonly used series of chord progression. Yeah, it's like is it I don't know
the exact there's only three chords as I say
There's only three chords and rock and roll, but I don't know what that means
But there's still a lot of different songs blues scale is probably what it is
It's a form of it or a scale
So they said that that has been used in many songs before is that true?
If it's why aren't they saying that I don't know cuz they're foggy they're old
Once you hit like 60 you just pretend you're old as fuck and you don't know
what's going on anymore
It's a regular dude. What happened? What I don't even know
Yeah, he had like legit Alzheimer's. Yeah, but looking back he really didn't
remember we should have been like oh, you didn't get pills, man
Yeah, they said not believing it was cover-up. I'm sure like oh, he's crying
for help. Yeah, he's telling the world
He can't remember things I wonder like
They're really close to curing that you know, really? Yeah, they're injecting
people's brains with stem cells and fixing all kinds of weird shit
That's going wrong. How is that stem cell? I've been thinking about you asked
me about I've been thinking about it. It's crazy
So you heal like Wolverine
It's very strange. So okay
Will it how far we're gonna grow your dick Ari not my dick my hair. What about
hair? Why not?
Why can't it stem cell that up? They'll probably have something for that soon.
I don't know man
I'll never go back to hair again. I like shit back up. I like having a shaved
head. It's so easy
So I got a good head for I look better the shaved head than I did around
especially with the hair that I had left
It's just all sad hair
Sick hair coughing
Dying people. It's like having a cancer patient living on your head
Yeah, it's over so I come on shorter. I like it, man. I like having it sure.
Yeah, it's it's bullshit
It's like it was a waste of my energy
You got a round enough head. Yeah, if you have a flat back, that's the bad the
worst kind of head
It's like a laptop head somebody hit you with a shovel head back here
The back of your head just looks like a laptop
It's just flat like a book. There's a lot of dudes that have whacked domes
I feel for them
But you know what man just doesn't look good with hair either
You know my hair heads weird heads or weird heads. What you need to do is get
it when I'm like a head like a fake butt
Just put it in your head
That's a girl's like touchy. I'm like, why is it all soft in the back?
That's probably totally a good idea
Probably most people aren't touching your head. Well, you can always say yeah,
I was in a motorcycle accident
Oh my god, that's scar. I love scars. You tear me on
Meanwhile, you just had a butt put in the back your head like a fake. It feels
like a it feels like a rotting apple
Consistency of it. We were laughing at this
Right, but they do that to chins put double chins in they put a fake chin in
people
It's super common. What do you mean they put a fake chin on people who does
that plastic surgeons?
I think they go in through the like the lip area or the teeth are and they
shove like an implant in your chin
Because some people have like very small chins like the chin is tucked up in
their neck and they feel like it's unattractive
I know chinless people. It's weird Brian Keith Efich. He's chinless. Does it
bother him? No, he makes jokes about it
That's good. Yeah, that's good. Some people don't like to joke around about it.
So they get a piece of plastic
Screwed into their chin people take it to the next level and then go too long
they do at the back of their head
That's what I'm saying dudes with a flat back of the head flat back around that
shit out, man
Look like a normal dude
That's that I guess I'm not against that if they can make it feel like a skull
back there
Instead of just some again. Imagine if it gets loose stretch Armstrong. Oh,
yeah
Starts leaking out. What if you're banging a girl and she grabs your head and
it she pops it loose and she thinks she broke your skull
Big good way to go to go leave
Crazy bitch
What happened to your head you did something which they got some fucking wall
board screws
Tighten that bitch down
That's wholesale like replacements. Yeah, it'll seem weird
Putting a fucking plastic plate on the back of your head is not I guarantee you
There's a plastic surgeon out there right now running to a notepad and writing
the shit down
And he's gonna offer it to dudes with flatheads. Are you a flat back?
Have to convince somebody they have a flathead. Did your parents never buy you
a pillow until you were old enough to complain?
Is the back of your head flat like a table? Well
flat back no more
Thanks to Dr. Krokenheimer Dr. Krokenheimer specializes in making your fucking
mutant alien
Rodent looking head. Did you think you're fine? You're not you're not fine. You're
not fine. You're not fine. No, no
How about those weird ancient cultures that used to flatten heads on purpose?
Mm-hmm. You ever seen those Peruvian
I think it's Peru I believe yeah, well they think the Egyptian thing was that
implants and they could have fucked with the shape of their head
But they also could have been like inbreeding because apparently like two-ton
common had a series of like well
We'll go to two-ton common next Jamie
No, go to these like we see that guy the baby up there where they're they're
stretching the baby's head out
See that the black and white one right next that Jamie. No, no the big the
photo the actual photo go up up the photo
Yeah, that one
That's like that's an actual baby where they're distorting this young baby's
head while it's soft with pressure
By these cords and they tighten it down and this is modern times because this
is from
Yeah
This is obviously from
Look how interesting that looks. Yeah, it's crazy. Wow. It's crazy. Wow. Yeah
So they can make them look like aliens. Oh when they take it off
Mm-hmm. Wow, it can totally like fuck the shape of your head up forever
And then that's what your head shaped like now because it's all done when you're
a baby and your head is really flexible. So your brain grows into that?
Yes, dude
You're fucked or you love it. You know, right might be your shit
But if you look at like the images of like ancient Egypt like right there
You just clicked on that one like this they think that that was maybe part of
the practice
That they were doing to differentiate them from the rest of the people
So there was that but Tutankhamen apparently had a series of issues
He had like some degenerative issues. They think that he might not have been
healthy
See if they like whatever to save them. No, not don't don't Google head shape
to just go with
Medical issues two-ton common medical issues. Dude, I met those long net ladies
in in Thailand. Oh, did you really? Yeah
Well, they grew it bigger and bigger and they can't take them off because they
get all wobbly. Yeah
See look is like he had a cane and shit. He was his body was all fucked up
Why does it say he has breasts?
Why'd they give him breasts?
Ooh, visit page, please
So we're looking at King Tut had feminine hips
Farrell suffered from several afflictions because his parents were brother and
sister
Whoa
Inbreeding
Look at leslie doing these ads
Whoa
That's some game of thrones type shit, son
Finally about the humid face
King Tut's list of ailments isn't the result of ancient Egyptian curse the
researchers were able to point out a more scientific culprit incest
Albert zinc scientific dir