Name: Joe Rogan Experience #822 - Chael Sonnen
Uploaded: 2016-07-12T01:02:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #822 - Chael Sonnen' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #822 - Chael Sonnen' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-12. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #822 - Chael Sonnen

Chael Sonnen, non-coffee enthusiast. Coffee non-enthusiast?
Well, I drink it every day, and I like coffee, but I've got to doctorate a
little bit.
You know, I've got the coffee mates and the hazelnuts, and I've got to do all
that stuff.
Do you use this, Jazz? Stevia?
No, but may I?
Stevia's good, yeah, please. It's stronger than sugar, so don't put it in like
you would do sugar,
but it's completely natural, available everywhere, all sorts of health food
stores and Whole Foods carries it.
It's just a plant-based sweetener, not sugar, not bad for you, doesn't give you
the diabetes,
doesn't fuck with you like aspartame does. Some people don't like the taste of
it, but I like it,
and the fact that I can get away with it, or I can drink it, and I know there's
no sugar at all, I like it a lot.
Are they a sponsor? Are we doing a plug right now?
No, it's just a plant.
So if I don't like it, I can say, hey, I don't know about this stuff.
Yeah, it sucks. Say it sucks. We don't even sell it.
I'm a fan of it.
So here's my theory on coffee, and I think this is true.
If coffee wasn't around, and I discovered it, and I sat you and Jamie down,
and I slid a cup across the table and go, try this, guys.
I want $50,000 from Bolte, I'm going to build this coffee empire, taste this.
You go, you're out of your mind. You want to give me a dollar.
And I go, no, no, no, not only, not only am I going to sell this for a profit,
I'm going to put sprinkles in it. I'm going to put it in a fancy cup.
I'm going to mix whipped cream on top and sell it at 300% profit you could
shave.
Just get out. Get out.
I'll tell you, well, maybe, I mean, a very small niche market, maybe.
I mean, it's not like it's going to be everywhere.
It's not bad, right?
Yeah.
Stevia's good.
It's not bad.
It's got like a little bit of a bitterness to it.
It doesn't taste as good as sugar, but for me, it's a good compromise knowing
that there's nothing negative about it.
So we're going. This is how you start your show. I like this. No big
introduction. You just turn it on.
It's not necessary.
You're the man. No one else could pull that off.
They really couldn't.
Everybody could. They just needed to do it.
If you just didn't worry, if everybody just didn't worry, they would just do it
this way.
I suppose you're right.
So whatever will we talk about today? I mean, is there anything going on?
No, I mean, it just seems like it's just nothing happening.
It's just an average Monday with a couple of coffee drinkers here.
We're all trying to figure out if they're going to sell or not.
Yeah.
Right. And I'm on the other side of the fence from a lot of the reports.
I'm going, God, I hope so. What a cool thing.
I mean, they can sell all the work they put in, the risk, they built this
industry.
Isn't that the ultimate thing you want to do with a business?
Day one, when you sit down to start a business, you want to create something so
cool,
somebody else wants to buy it.
Right.
So I'm on the other side of the fence.
All these reports were coming out like this was going to be earth-shattering
news.
I'm going, this is going to be great.
This is, you know, if you like them, if they've done something for you and you're
cheering for them,
then cheer that this goes through, particularly if you retain Dana.
And that was the other part of the report, was that Dana was going to stay on.
Well, that's relevant.
There's not another guy alive that can run that.
And that's not some nice statement to Dana.
Dana, it's just the truth.
Like, you can't go to a library and check out a book on fight promotion.
You can't go to any college and major in fight promotion.
You either know it or you don't.
Yeah, it's difficult.
And it requires all day.
Like, Dana's working all day.
Like, for people who don't, I'll call him at like 1 o'clock in the morning and
he just got off the phone and he's doing deals and he's making things happen
and he's trying to, and he's obsessed with it.
I mean, that guy really does love the business of putting together fights.
We'll talk randomly, just in the middle of nowhere, about fights for hours.
He just loves to talk fights.
He really is a big fan and obsessed and not burnt out yet, which is amazing.
Because the amount of hours that guy puts in, and obviously he's making a shitload
of fucking money, but it's still the amount of hours that he puts in.
You would think he would be cooked by now.
Yeah, you would.
And I know what you mean.
1 a.m. is a good time to get a hold of him.
I was in Brazil.
He called and woke me up.
I was doing the Ultimate Fighter.
He woke me up.
It was 4 a.m.
And I grabbed the phone and he was talking business right away.
And I just said, Dana, I'm not here right now.
Whatever I agree to right now, I get a pass.
Because if you give him your word, that's it, right?
Whatever I agree to does not count.
I'm out of it.
It's 4 a.m.
And he goes, oh, man, it's 4 a.m.?
And I said, yeah.
And he goes, dude, I thought it was only two.
I'm really sorry for calling.
But he was serious, you know.
He was serious.
And so it's like, okay, I get it, man.
If you're working, I'm working.
And it was the office line.
It wasn't his cell line.
He was at the office.
And I'm going, okay, well, look, if you're going to work, then I got to.
What's 4 a.m. in Brazil?
What time is that in America?
That's got to be 10.
They're not that far ahead.
They're four or six hours.
I was in Sao Paulo.
Yeah.
So it was still, you know, he's in there grinding.
That was a ballsy move of you to do the Ultimate Fighter in Brazil after you
had talked mad
shit about virtually every legend that ever came out of Brazil.
Yeah.
And to understand, thank you for saying that, but it's also relevant, Joe, to
understand
how big MMA is over there.
You get away with that here, and there's going to be some pockets that know
exactly who you
are.
But it's going to be just that.
Pockets.
In Brazil, it's the number two sport behind soccer.
Everybody knows.
And I had armed security.
We went everywhere in bulletproof cars.
And one night, the guns came out.
And whatever bravado you think you have, or you think you will have, when the
guns come
out, you find out it's not true.
You're scared.
What happened?
This is an actual move.
There's a name for this, and it's very common in Brazil.
But we were going in traffic, and a guy cut in front of us.
And then what they like to do is cut in front of you, slow down, and then you
get boxed in,
and they jump out and rob you.
So when the guy swerved over, we were in three lanes traffic.
There was nobody else on the road.
So when the guy cut in front of us, security knew right what was going on.
They pulled their gun out.
My wife was in the back, and she was sleeping.
She was laying down.
She had her feet across me.
And I woke her up, and I said, he got his gun.
And there was an exit right up, and the guy swerved over as quick as he cut in
front of us,
took the exit, and was gone.
Nothing happened at all.
But in that moment, you find out when the guns come out, whatever macho-ness
you think
you're going to have in that situation, you don't have.
Were you thinking, like, why did I talk all that shit?
I'm just saying, yeah.
And I don't think it had, they had no way to know I was in the car.
I mean, I think they were just getting ready, or at least the security thought
they were
just getting ready to rob us, you know.
But yeah, yeah, I did.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
You know, that's true.
It's like, hey, can nobody here take a joke?
Am I the only one that can take a joke?
But it ended up being a great time.
It ended up being a really great time.
The ultimate fighter just is in general.
I had the opportunity to do two of them.
But you build lifelong relationships.
You know, you stay friends with those guys.
You watch them being vulnerable.
You watch them putting their whole life, everything into it.
These guys leaving their families.
The first ultimate fighter I did, we had two holidays.
I'm counting Halloween as one.
I realize that isn't a holiday.
But if you have kids, that's a big day.
These guys leave their kids.
They don't get to see them dress up.
And then we had Thanksgiving.
They don't even get to call home.
One guy had the birth of his first child.
He did not get to call and check on his wife.
I mean, it's a big deal what goes on.
And they're very strict.
I don't know why they are, Joe.
I realize that for reality TV, that turmoil is to build something.
But I'm kind of looking at going, you know what?
Let's do this little 9 to 5 deal.
Send them home.
Give them their cell phones.
Let these guys just be regular guys.
It's hard enough.
Because people talk too much.
They tell too many secrets.
They explain what's going on.
They talk to press.
They give inside scoops that will only be revealed.
You know, I promise you this won't be revealed until the show goes to air.
There's a lot of fuckery that goes on with people that are on reality shows.
That's what they're trying to avoid.
That's a funny word.
Fuckery is one of my favorite words.
It's a great word.
Yeah, there's truth to that.
But your appearance on The Ultimate Fighter in Brazil with Vandele, too, it
sort of changed.
Like, Vandele's public opinion right now is very high.
Like, people like him again.
And one of the reasons why they like him is because he got fucked over by the
Nevada State Athletic Commission.
Hardcore.
They banned him for life from missing a drug test, which I just think is
fucking tyranny.
I think that's straight bullshit.
I think that that is a fucking horrible miscarriage of justice.
If you think the guy was doing something, then you fine him and you ban him for
the amount of time that you need to based on if he was guilty.
That's it.
You don't get to do life.
That's fucking crazy.
To be so callous, to show that you are a governing body and that you are taking
care of the future of these athletes
and supposedly protecting them from other athletes that are cheating or from
whatever other nonsense,
whatever other illegal activity might be going on.
And to take that position of power and to flagrantly abuse it in that way where
you're openly showing them that you don't give a fuck about them.
You don't care about their career.
You don't care that it's the only way they have to make a living.
You're just going to ban them for life because they missed a drug test.
So let me give you another side to this, too.
Vandele never told his side.
Vandele got pissed and he yelled and he did all of these things, but he never
just sat down and told his side calmly.
So here's Vandele's side, and when you hear this, you're going to side with Vandele.
Here's what happened.
I was the first guy ever tested in this random out-of-competition testing.
So none of us knew what it was.
And you have to take that time into perspective because now guys understand,
look, you get a knock on the door, you must comply.
But I was the first one ever tested.
We'd never heard of this.
The guy shows up, Vandele was to be the second one tested, but didn't test.
In hindsight, I shouldn't have tested.
I'm not even sure they were within their rights.
And this is relevant.
They show up, the guy has no ID, absolutely no identification of who he is.
I think that's a problem to start with.
That's a huge problem.
That's a huge problem.
He then wants to take me into a back room, which ended up being a janitor's
closet, not sanitary, a back room at the MGM Grand.
He takes me in there where I must de-robe and present to him my penis because
he watches.
Now, that's a very private thing.
No ID.
He wants to see your dick.
Yeah.
Look, I understand now, and I think a lot more of us do too, that you have to
get naked and do this.
You've got whizzing.
You've got all these weird things going on.
At that time, though, that's a weird thing.
Now, we're in the back of the MGM Grand in a dirty closet, and I'm presenting
to a stranger who refuses, not only doesn't offer ID, refused to give ID.
And I tried to take a picture of the son o