Name: Joe Rogan Experience #861 - Bryan Callen
Uploaded: 2016-10-19T02:05:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #861 - Bryan Callen' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-10-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #861 - Bryan Callen' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-10-19. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #861 - Bryan Callen

2, 1
Yee-haw!
Just, uh, less than a month before Armageddon.
And, uh, we're here in the bunker in lovely Woodland Hills, California.
That's right.
Brian motherfuckin' Callan is here.
Here he is, ladies and gentlemen.
He's voting for Jill Stein because she, like Brian, wants 16-year-olds to be
able to vote.
We both think it's super rational and a great idea.
Because no one, no one better to decide the future of the world than a hormonally
flooded baby.
Yeah.
Well, what do you think about 18-year-olds?
A baby with a boner.
What do you think about 18-year-olds drinking instead of 21?
I don't think, um, there's anything wrong with someone who is supervised, who
is 18,
who is sort of mentored into, uh, having a couple of drinks with an intelligent
and, um, very, uh, disciplined parental figure.
Like someone who's a smart dad or a smart mom who says, "Listen, I don't want
you to be, I don't want this to be something that's so out of reach that you
wind up doing it and getting obsessed with it because it's the forbidden thing
and it becomes a big deal."
Yep.
Have a drink or two.
Right.
You know, but they have to be like a really conscientious parent.
They should be there with the kid, make sure that no one's driving.
Right.
No stupid shit.
But we all had beers before we were 21.
All of us.
Everybody did.
All of us.
I think that if you're going to give people the responsibility to vote and they
can carry, they can join the army and go and fight and die.
And kill.
You give them a license to kill.
Yes.
It seems very strange to me that you're not also allowed to vote.
Yeah.
And, I mean, I'm sorry, drink.
Yeah.
Because it used to be in, I think, 1984 is when the law changed, you were able
to drink.
Yeah, man.
It was like, I missed it by just a few years.
Fuckers.
Yeah.
I didn't, I don't think that I did.
Yeah, you did.
Because 85, I was 17.
So, that was when I graduated high school.
I think I was 18 and 85.
Either way, I was drinking in college.
Were you?
Yeah.
Yeah, of course you were.
I drank in high school.
No, but I could drink in bars in Washington, D.C., I remember.
Oh, really?
They had different laws?
Yeah, I was 18.
I was an early 18.
January 26th.
Oh.
Which is why I'm so mature now.
You are mature.
Thank you.
I say that about you all the time.
That's what I like to hear.
I say, for a grown up baby.
That's the attitude I'm looking for out of you, sir.
All my friends are grown up babies.
And I are at the comedy store.
And we run down to this other part of the comedy store.
And there's a mirror.
And both of us stop, look in the mirror, and we pull our shirts up and start
flexing.
We start going, "Aw, look at my stomach.
Look at my, aw, my obliques."
And then just as quickly, we threw our shirts down and ran away.
And I just barked, "We're losers!
We're fucking losers!"
We're babies.
Yeah.
We're growing up babies.
Mm-hmm.
But everybody is until you have so much responsibility that you're beaten down
and it's no fun anymore.
I think I have figured out the delineation there.
It's fun to be a mature, and we are, and to be silly geese, but I think the
difference is you become a real adult and you become mature when you have other
people that rely on you and where other people's happiness to some degree is
more important than your own.
Yeah.
So, you know what I mean?
And their development causes you concern, angst, and requires your time and
sacrifice.
And if I could throw something in there, the only way that silly goose stuff
works at all is if you've got your bases covered.
That's right.
Right?
Like, it's really tough to be a silly goose if you're behind your taxes, or if
you have massive credit card debt that you're ignoring, or there's these
stacking stress things.
Yeah.
These events, these factors in your life that can really get involved in your
happiness and your silliness.
So, as long as, you know, your ducks are in a row, then you can kind of laugh a
little bit.
Well, we've taken for granted the fact that we have figured out a way to
preserve our biology in most countries in terms of, like, we have life-saving
medications or sort of preventions for keeping us from things like malaria and
diphtheria and all those things that used to really...
Because they always talk about when you go into a country and you want to get
that country on its feet and you want to help develop that country.
The first thing you have to make sure of is that people aren't suffering from
chronic illnesses, parasites, diseases that just make them feel shitty.
They've got the right nutrition.
So, the first thing to do is take care of your biology.
Take care of that, you know, that sort of thing that you live in, that machine.
Because otherwise, if you don't feel good, there's a lot of little rudimentary
things.
If you don't feel good, like, hookworm in the South, but when, after World War,
I mean, I'm sorry, Civil War, was so endemic.
It would get in your feet and...
Hookworm, is that like a ringworm type thing?
No.
Hookworm gets in your, enters through your feet.
Because kids, people would always use the...
They wouldn't use outhouses.
They'd use the great outdoors.
And then you'd walk around on your bare feet.
So, what hookworm does is it gets into your...
I guess it goes through your feet.
And then it causes you to become anemic.
Ooh.
Because it latches on to, I don't know, it has some mechanism where it latches
on to the intestine or something.
Either way, huge portions of the South, after Civil War, after the Civil War,
were anemic.
I mean, huge towns.
And in fact, it was so bad that they started running campaigns saying, use an
outhouse or die.
Right.
Use an outhouse or die.
And they solved the problem, but it was a major issue in Reconstruction after
the war.
Major issue in this country in the South.
When I lived in Florida, people used to always talk about worms.
Now that I'm thinking about it, like this is like one of the first times I'm
remembering this.
I think one of my aunts got it.
I think she used to walk around barefoot and Florida is so tropical.
Yeah.
You know, there's so much.
When we lived there, we used to see alligators all the time.
Oh, yeah.
Like, and this was when they were protected.
You ever have worms?
No.
I never got like, I've gotten ringworm before though.
Oh yeah, me too.
But this guy right here that you're looking at has had worms come out of his
ass.
Oh, you told me this.
Uh-huh.
One of my most vivid memories was my sister screaming and crying.
And I run in and there's a giant pink worm coming right out of her four-year-old
ass or whatever it was.
Oh my God.
She didn't know what the fuck was happening.
And I was like, I was, I was like, it's a worm.
You just have worms.
How old were you?
Mom.
I was, uh, six.
You were worried about worms coming out of your sister's butt?
Yeah, I was a kid.
I'd had them.
And I was like into snakes and stuff.
I was like, me, my mother made it like, look at that.
You have worms.
Now take this medicine.
Now what happens if you don't have those worms?
Or if you, if you don't take the medication for those worms?
So worms are a parasite, right?
Yeah.
How bad can they fuck you up?
Badly.
Look at tapeworm and the, the worms, parasites like worms were a major issue.
And if you remember New Guinea worms, which cause, I think elephantiasis, um,
but, but they're awful.
Like New Guinea worms, look up New Guinea worms.
They would, they would, I guess.
If you want to look up something, look up this video that Red Band was showing
me the other night at the comedy store about some guy who had an insane amount
of worms removed from his gut.
He went to the doctor and the, you know, he was complaining of like stomach
pain and all these issues.
That was a reality.
Yeah.
Oh dude.
So there's a video.
Sanitation is such a huge factor in our comfort.
Whoa, whoa.
The fuck, Jamie?
Jamie, how dare you?
How dare you when I'm talking about sanitation?
Son of a bitch.
Just put it on for us so that the, uh, video, so we don't get pulled.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We can get a look out of here.
25 year old bodybuilder.
That thing.
Is that it?
Yeah.
Worms are a real thing, but they, they can be deadly.
So this guy.
They can be deadly.
Check this out.
They, they literally had to, it says parasitic worms need a high pro.
Okay.
This might be like one of those vegan propaganda videos.
Probably.
Um, look at all these worms though.
Holy fucking shit coming out of this guy's body.
I mean, it, it is insane.
His, his gut is just stuffed with these squirming worms as he's pulling them
out.
Looks like spaghetti.
It looks like moving spaghetti.
If your spaghetti looks like that.
Isn't that crazy that worms can live in you like that?
Oh my God, it's insane.
Look how much it is.
Yeah.
That's disgusting.
You're looking literally at a large bowl of spaghetti, right?
Yeah.
Like I would, I would be wondering if I could eat that whole bowl.
That was the reality for a lot of people all the time.
Jesus.
Look at all of that.
Mm-hmm.
That was all inside that dude's body.
Take a look at tapeworms.
Tapeworms.
That might be a tapeworm.
That looks like a long tapeworm.
But, um, do they need animal protein to stay alive?
Is that true?
Or could they eat anything to stay alive?
See, there you go.
I, I.
Vegan.
Oh, it's a vegan thing.
I, I.
I don't know if that's true.
Like, uh, let's find out if that's true.
Cause if that is true.
Well, first of all, if you got fucking worms, you got a problem.
Period.
You're supposed to get worms.
And just because you get sick because you, you get worms and then the worms
have food
to eat cause you eat a certain diet.
Yeah.
Doesn't mean you shouldn't eat that certain diet.
You still have a fucking worm living in you, buddy.
You still got a worm living in you.
Yeah.
You gotta kill that thing, figure out.
How about those worms that break out of your skin?
That would be a tapeworm.
Massive tapeworm discovered inside a man who complained of a stomach ache.
It's 20 feet long.
20 feet long.
That's an even different kind of worm.
That other guy had small, I guess there's a gang of different parasites you can
get.
You can get them from raw meat.
Look at that.
But that is something to know.
Find out if that's true because if they can only survive in a person that's
eating a protein
diet or a high animal protein diet, I don't know if that's true.
That's not true because people got plenty of worms in southern India where they
were vegetarians.
That's nonsense.
Worms were a fact of life for any human being.
They're just parasitic.
They eat whatever they can get.
Right.
But that said, if you're consuming animal protein, it's probably another
delivery mechanism, right?
Yes.
I think so.
Like food, food-borne, food-borne worms.
However, there's also the fact that you grew your, you irrigated and grew your
vegetables
in human shit and animal shit and, you know, it's part of the fertilizer.
Mm-hmm.
When that fertilizer got on a piece of lettuce or something that was raw or got
on your hands
and you ingested, that's how you get things like hepatitis A.
That's how you get other, uh, parasites.
Yeah.
That's the, apparently the biggest form of E. coli poisoning is from salads.
That's right.
Isn't that crazy?
Yeah.
It's like, or was it broccoli or salads?
But it was a vegetable.
It's a type of E. coli, right?
So it's not, it's not.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's just runoff, you know?
Yeah.
You know, that was who ruined the salt and sea.
Have you, do you know about the salt and sea?
Mm-mm.
Oh, yes, of course I do.
Oh, dude.
You mean the one in, uh, in Russia?
No.
No.
No.
The salt and sea is in California.
They, they were calling it the Inland Riviera.
California's Inland Riviera.
Wow.
In the 1950s, they opened up the Colorado River.
Mm-mm.
And they flooded this valley in California.
It's about, it's outside of Palm Beach.
I'm not sure how far, maybe a couple hours or something.
I'm not sure.
The desert though, right?
But it's in the desert.
And for a long time, meaning, you know, a couple of decades, it was awesome